Original

Well, I now know that blinders were given to me, but like a horse, I felt pentalized, when it was actuallyh an attempt to focus me.

Music, It's been done.

Words, covered

Homemaking, not a chance.

Teaching, Lack the skills to be truly great. You must first master a thing to teach it and I'm a jack of all trades.

So, if I am going to leave my mark on anything, it will be in focusing myself on being a great mother, that will solve my guilt for not finding my original thought or deed, or in being selfish about my life. I'll have my time in the sun, but I only have now to really influence. Plus, even God said through his prophets that theworld is changed by giving a woman an idea and allowing her to plkant it in the hearts of her childen. If I want to have any profound effect on the world, which I don't, it would be through my work as a mother.

Amadeus has been replaced...

2 funny coincidence will be mentioned before I disclose my new favorite, the genre different enough to have not moved Dune or The Mission.

1) A good friend, Ben Wilkinson, had a blanket about Beethoven, Mozart and Bach. and each had his place in representing God's voice to humanity. I thought alot more about that blanket than I did the movie we had watched "Mary Shelly's Frankenstein". I pondered more on how much more a discernable voice Shakespeare was.

2) Brooksie was playing a game on my computer that I thought was pandora or youtube it played a silly song over and over, so I asked her to play another. She protested and explained that she really liked this particular song by Taylor Swift, but I warned her that it would appear that she was showing favor if she kept playing it. She kept playing it. Then, this movie's soundtrack had a song from Amadeus in it, the very one I was thinking of, so I thought, I love it so deeply because I feel it echoing the things in my mind.

My new favorite movie is "Anonymous".

A few reasons

I've been going over and over all of the happenings in my head and I just think there is a conclusion to draw but I've not drawn it yet, I will share some peliminaries as they draw my current focus.

Nick does not treat me like a woman ought to be treated, that's that. I do not think I am the first one to notice that, I just put up with it while he prides himself in being such a good judge and such, excusing himself from any family obligations because he changes a few diapers and acts like he's always as considerate in private as he is in public. I go aong with his preteses because I have quite a few of my own. It is true that I never was sealed to him, and I really figure that is for the best as I do not want to be sealed to him, if he hasn't set that as a priority by now then, I will not feel wanted when the time does come, but shouldn't I tell him this? I do want to be sealed to the children, but I think they will be sealed to me anyway.

I'm too set in my ways, and they are not matching his ways. Reason tells me that I ought to change then, and I have tried, but I just have a solid gut feeling that I ought not to change because it would be like unraveling a perfectly knitted pieece of work, nearly impossible to recreate. I just ought to continue on in that manner and doubt not it's correctness again. I must stand firm. There are so many things that I value that I toss to the garbage because of imaginary troubles or silly reasons that Nick comes up with. For instance, it is very important to me to go to certain events, but Nick refuses to take me when, as a spouse we ought to both want them. I went to Stake conference by myself because it was important to me, and if I could I would. He stayed home and played video games. I try not to make a mountain out of this ant hill,but Maybe it is a mountain, because I feel so, oh I can't even think of an english word for it, but I do not like to feel that way and I know that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to feel that way. I have prayed for assistance and though it is tiny, God could do any number of things to rescue me from this feeling and he has shown in the past that he is mindful of my needs, like I joked to Nick today, "Maybe I need alot of Money." but, I don't and likely never will.

I'm on a diet not really aimed at loosing weight, but limiting my food intake and increasing my craftiness. I call it the Alphabet diet. I'm on the "C" day today. I could have cookies, cake, candy, corn, a can of soup. Pretty much anything I see. I found a recipe for an urban legend cookie and made it with Peanutbutter/Chocolate chips! It was quite good. I think I will not eat tomorrow. but I've been debating on the cookiedough Ice cream tonight. I could wait and have it on the "I" day. guess, I'll go have it now, and so ends my thoughts in typed words tonight.

spooky

Now, it is one thing to talk to oneself, but when you start getting answers, that's spooky!

I have noticed alot of things that I like and thought I bet others like them, too. though I, after several scenarios and attempts to fit in, realized that I am fringe. But, even fringe is not alone, being different would make others cling more tightly to something similar.

I have always been bombarded by tons of ideas and some of them are dying for an outlet, so I put some on facebook, some on twitter, and so forth. But, I was thinking out loud when my answer was "put it in a song", so what if you can't sing, you still do it all the time. I figure it is like praying always, though it cannot actually be done. Prayer is a constant out pouring of our heart it helps us realize much about ourselves. My "voice" says I ought to put the ideas into a song, the matter of making the words lyrical is work, but I've got the time to work them out.
Someone came to visit me yesterday and told me that when we feel dispondent we ought to talk to someone. Here's my song:

Hey, Crazy Lady on Facebook, this song's for us.
we may have friends and family, but that's just not enough.

That came to me sort of sing songy as I was comparing the need for religion to the use of social media online.

not for children

If you hae a child lurking over your shoulder, close this window. I am about to say things terrifying to them, to children who believe in Santa Claus.

So, I managed to deal with the falsehood of Santa pretty much unscathed, but since it is not true, what I am about to do will not help children or their parents, more to the point, with issues of being deserving but I have decided to give Christmas presents all year, usually when least expected.

Everyone talks about wanting to have the Christmas Spirit all year-round. So, why don't we? Ad why invent a little fat man who lives in a snowy world with little elves? I do not know what he was supposed to do to me by believing in him, but I don't and there was no scar even under that bandaide. I have to go.... brb, maybe. I think I said it all.

My thought today

Ok, there were actually more, but this is the one I chose to persue and never came to any conclusion, perhaps you will by reading, and care to share it yourself, na, probably not, huh?

Agency is so key to who we are. Everything about our lives is about making a choice and I really want to study about what causes people to make their choices. I have been dwelling on the thought that people especially around here, like others to decide for them. Where I come from it's called hypocrisy. I'll explain: "With their lips they do honor me, but their hearts are far from me." People want to do what is right, but they do not want to have to choose for themselves. They choose to give up a part of their freedom in choosing to be compelled only they call it being obedient.

One time in RS in MS a sister said that she was thankful for the church because it told her what to do. Here they talked about the gospel being like a track on a rollercoaster. I'm sure there are alot of metaphors for it, but I was so disgusted as a teen because others who chose to be "good" Used excuses like "It's against my religion" or such, it made me loose faith in ever finding a kindred spirit among the "goody goodies" as my sister referred to me and my lifestyle. I have always respected my sisers regardless of their path becausse at least they knew why thety behaved such and didn't blame or reward their successes on a religion. I do feel indebted to my parents, but, something about people publically making statements about who they are as being attributed to their parents upsets me. I see alot of truth in it, but then, as I think of Satan, I think there has always been alot of truth in his lies.

Recently, I heard a great talk where it was commented that we need to choose things because of our desire, our desires need to change if we do not find happiness in our life, not our choices. basically, being compelled to do things is not nearly as good as doing them because you want to.

I see this trouble as being monumental in my own life, as I try to make a good life and family. I feel much like a single mother alot of the times. I also see how it is the norm around here for the women to be demanding and the culture works that way. Womenwho tell men what to do are happy and men who do as they are told are happy. I bet culture is that way in Hollywood that is why men are always portrayed as stupid in comparison to the women who is also portrayed as being domineering! Crud, the kids need me! got to go.

I figured it out

I thought the best solution would be to get a divorce, but once again that won't happen unless i force it to happen. reason says just go say, "I am miserable because... " but, this doesn't work with Nick. I thought of mny other ways, but much thought is still required to keep all of my children around me.

One thing I decided that would work is that I will play his game and only do as he forces me to do them.

I'm still making money online slowly, evetually, I'll be able to take care of things myself years of being neglected, one drawer hardly makes up for it. I nearly died downstairs and Nick just slept through it and only took me to the hospital because I demanded it, otherwise I wouldn't have endured suchdrastic measures. I've gone years without any kind of care except for when my parents come or I get unexpected gifts from real friends, from Nick, nothing. I'm not sure I care if he wouldbe lolial if I was given death expectancy. I do not see it as a benefit. True, he was my intended means to get out here, and I really wanted him to be so much more, if he would have even tried a little, but alas, I quit.

My first step is to tell Brandall so he is not left out of it. or abandonedwith the kids.