Darn it!

Ok, so I am not the brightest crayon in the box, but I am determined to figure out a solution.

Right now, I feel like I am getting closer, it was a huge breakthrough, but my mind will flip flop again, probably.

I feel strongly that I am in the right place. Something Rachel used to quote in Seminary just popped into my mind. The single most important thing in any Latter-day Saints life is being in the right place at the right time, with the right person.

My timing is atrocious, and I am married, but only "technically" what I have is not a family, it is a reluctant guy and some bully kids. But I do have the place right. Today, a visitor from the primary presidency explained that the success of her family was dependant on finding a spouse and laying a solid foundation.

So, if my goal is to have all of my family together I cannot achieve that unless either Nick shapes up or I find another husband who will love and cherish me. That is our main struggle and it has always been. Nick talks a good talk, but his actions say otherwise. This is not at all the integrity that I believed that he posessed. He does not nor ever has appreciated me. He would say, "Oh, yes, I do." But, he is full of words but does nothing unless it is for his appearance. He basically tells,me that I am a lousy housekeeper and mother every single day and that is hard to deal with when you are already hard on yourself and trying to recover from a huge massive setback. Oh, blah, blah,blah,blah, blah! That doesn't matter, the point is that something must change. I tried Changing me, and that did not work, and he obviously is not happy with "me"still, he persists for the sake of the kids, but I honestly think it is teaching them the wrong thing. Husbands need to love their wives. That is the kind of foundation they need. And a kiss on the cheek before worl just doesn't demonstrate that you care at all. My kids beat me up and are mean because they see that sort of disrespect as an example. It is much more solidly taught than any words.

Previously, I foolishly compared Nick to Brandall as if it was really one or the other. Every school kid knows not to compare apple's to oranges. They are completely different. Brandall did cherish me and the kids saw it. But, then I got sick and needed him most and he abandoned me. Nick would never do that, at least I know that much. He is dependable.

I read that you should never expect to change someone. But, that is exactly the whole pretense of Marrying Nick, it was provided that he regularly attend church etc. He couldn't even bless our children. He likely will not be able to baptize them either. It really teaches the wrong thing. But, he puts everything they learn on my shoulders. True a woman is supposed to nurture, but that does,not mean that the only one who teaches and nurtures is the mother.

Finally, I am getting sleepy!