Enough.

I am done. I am not going to be meek about it anymore. I pittied,myself too long always hiding behind a pretense of an optimistic view, but I'll have to toss that southern belle facade aside.

I am far less prettier than I wanted to be, and have achieved much less than my potential indicated, but Nothing that makes me desirable has been lost.

I do not need to cower behind what could have been to the point that I do not become. I will be as beautiful and talented as I ever was, and the fact that I was ought not be denied. I am a bit ugly, but that doesn't matter to my kids, nor does it to anyone else who matters.

Being completely honest about it will be the only thing that saves me. I did feel like I Married well below myself, but I thought it was only temporary, I would find someone and they would raise with me. They say the definition of crazy is to do the same thing over and over and expect something to change. I have been running full steam into a wall. It hurts, but I regroup and try again. But, nothing changes no matter how much I believe it can or will, smash!

Another concept is that you never should marry someone with the intent to change them. But, he wanted to.change and our vision for him was the same.

The real point is that I was not thinking brilliant thoughts when I,married him and so many things which ought to have occurred to me didn't, and I was completely alone trying to figure out what to do.

When doing legal things I had to have others sign for me because I didn't know what I was doing. And now, I have children who rely on me, and I put them first, but right now, I honestly do not even like my husband infact he is repugnant to me. It is not because he isn't attractive physically. That doesn't matter, it is who he is and what he does that troubles,me so much.

But, it is not as an example, it is for my children, for now I keep their life intact, though the feeling is building up in me that it is a bad example to pretend to be in love when I am not. I like to hope that I will love him, for their sake. Or else I make a continual error. First, I should not have ever had those children. But, I do have them and I must keep my responsibility regarding them. Even if it means I loose all hope of happiness.

By happiness, I am referring to the way C.S.Lewis described feeling in shadowlands. At one point he said, "I do not want to be anywhere else." Happiness is leaving the Shadowlands and basking in the sun, though experience is teaching, I do not always pay attention. And I will not cause pain and eternal suffering because I wanted to be happy. I Love my children entirely!