Hello world

Yes, I acknowedge the world may exsist in a way to read or understand this, but at this point, I cannot claim to understand Why I believe the folowing, and it really isn't a part of why I believe anyway. Though I enjoy organizing words to be reasonable. Being reasonabe is not an objective of this farwell.

Good bye world.

I do not believe that there will be generation of people for whom I am responsibe to for leaving a legacy. I beieve that Jesus Christ will return to earth during my lifetime. It sounds fantastical, but to me it really is not so much. I do fuly believe that Jesus Christ came and did rise again, and he lives in much the same form that you do reading this. so much has spoken directly to my heart in various ways teling me surely that these are the last days, and so my ultimate conclusion does not change.

My duty for now is now. I am a mother and My childsren are my top priority, all of them. I still write "Journals" for their benefit, but realize that nothing I might say will be new to them. I do not believe that someday these words will be seen as an ancient way of life and communication, but I record them in the present so that they may be true and of no decit or attempt to fool you into thinking that I suppose something marvelous will happen that you may know it first here.
;thus, glorifying myself! Hail the great me for seeing the obvious!

You say "Hello." I say "goodbye."
Hello hello, I don't know why... I say goodbye.





Addendum: I add this because I wanted it to be somewhere it would not be read. I really am through. I concluded that the same things do not matter to me as matter to you anyway. I realized the the fact that I clling on when there is really no real reason goes against what mother's have taught their sons for centuries, and it can be used against me. I thought, if peope can do the worst and I am not suffiently offended, then why do anything to please me? I only come here to escape the reality that I created. I ought to get offine and change it if I don't like it.



here and now is the time to do all the right things and become the mover and shaker I ought to have been all aong and be the winning horse not just the dark one.

I just had a thought that will be of great interest to me when it is no longer current. I must do something that will make me seem so evil and wrong, but I would glady endure that for a while so that I do not live forever a certain way, just to "save face".

the email

What's up?   I am contemplating the email that, at this point, has not been sent or even composed, but it must surely be done. I chose electronic media because it can be done without interruption, but like speech it cannot be "recalled". I put that in quotes because I said it in reference to a speech that I loved given by Captain Moroni to Zerahemna a the waters of Mormon when he lays down the law stating that this is howthings must be, but when he was done he could not recall his words. I have wondered about that for a very long time.oes he mean he cannot remember or cannor take back, or is it a translation thing? My feeling is that it is a feeling that came to his mind, much like a lot of the things that I try to translate into words, I'm doing it right now, if I didn't write t down, I'd never remember. Here's the video: (videos say everything best)

Just thinking about people

I was thinking about how so many people seem to share an enthusiasim (sp?) for the things I am passionate about. I almost undoubtably find comeradery in the circles I had always felt shunned me. It seems there are a lot of closet thinkers out there. What does that mean? Well, I was verbal about the thoughts and feelings that they dared not utter. You know the whole "Sit down you're rockin' the boat" thing. It seems that I was actually encouraged to make a fool of myself to say things that others thought but in seeing the reaction to me, they cathartically knew how to better act.

I have also thought about how many like-minded people are sort of drawn to music, Why is that? I am forming a theory. Musicians, bards, actors and artists have always sought outward recognition for the shared sensibility. I mean, really don't all kids want to be praised when they do "good" and our thinkers got side-tracked on figuring out what good is. I spend more time thinking about why everyone seceretly loves the same things but they only verbalize it because of social technology. I think it is that same character trait that prompts us to bear our hearts in a song that makes us need to tweet about our trip to the market last night. We like to share things. WE? but, we have always felt alone. It is by expressing ourselves in song or some art form that we hope to make a sort of contact.

Not to get too side-tracked, though it's what I do, I loved what a documentary about Carl Sagan's theories was talking about how rediculous it was that we would even expect other life forms to be "listening". In the movie August Rush, The old musician guy says, "Only some of us are listening." Jesus taught in parables. I think it was a need to share things in a way that would not make his meanings apparent to everyone, but only those who had eyes to see, or ears to hear.

I was so in love with the idea of art being objective. It is my conclusion that each general conference talk is a piece of art, It is understood as it applies to the individual, not necessarily how it was meant by the speaker of the words. I further wrote a paper stating that so much of the success of Shakespeare's works remaining classic and eternally applicable was how he dealt with relationships not specifics like people in particular. Every good story is one which we tend to allign ourselves with. I tend to do it with music.

I am tired, and I need a bath. Hopefully something I blabbered on about will find meaning or a home in your heart or mind. Yes, you.

How to deal with unreal expectations

There is only one way to deal with an unreal expectation, do not have it in the first place.


Now on to the improper, uncertified way to deal with such an expectation, based on experience.



I loved this movie because My best friend and I had determined that we would end up dying old maids, So we decided to do something about it, by making a list of impossible charachteristics. It made us feel better because we knew what we wanted, it just so happened that such a person did not exsist. Though, I took it a bit more seriously and came close before figuring out that such a man would be considered Gay and I had my share of that mess. I only learned that my preferences were found on earth somewhere, I just needed to make some exceptions and take some risks or I'd never get the reward. I met my first husband and realized that he didn't fit a few key point on my list, but I thought maybe it wa those points that were causing trouble, oh heck, realistically, I fell smack dab in love and didn't care. I admire my freind for sticking to her list regardless.

When I ended up divorced I figured tha it was time to make a new list and stick to it, but my heart sank into a deep depression when I realized that again my list must go. One thing I do know though is that to find what I was looking for I had to be in the right places. Sort of like if you put on your list "Plays piano well." then you have to at least go to concerts or recitals or be a pianist yourself, or you would have just created an impossible list because it was impossible.

I saw a great video once about how you need to be careful who you attract. but this provides a whole lot of information:


Even hidden dangers might be lurking so it is better to not attract them, or in my case, the wrong husnband. But, as I stated, I do not have a way to pull happiness out of a hat but I have learned that it is better to remain true to your expectation, no matter how unrealistic it seems, if happiness is your goal, that is.

Getting to be it's own trend

I have enitire blogs devoted to ideas that will be "fleshed out."at a latter date.

Once again, I have a thing to say, and I fully intend to say it here, but this is just a marker, or a sort of flirt with the notion. I want to make a cooment about how different my perceptions/expectations change with regards to what I watch, I really feel like that is how popular opinionsare molded,mine are formed by media. I suspect that is the same for everyone. Sometimes I feel just likeeveryoneeslse in that I followalot of those unspoken rules, then othertimes, I think I must have fallen "out of the box"or broke some unspoken rule again, And feelthat I could be just like everyoneelse if I just didit all over and made an effort to follow rules. I like to think that same thing whenever I die on a mario game. i only lost because I wasn't giving it my all. I Could do it if I really tried, and so I try again.

Joke

I heard this joke in my class, today:

"Well, Nick, you're just a good carpenter."

I was intrigued. A new way he was Christ-like?

"You see a good carpenter knows it is best to build a protection for his tools."