Providencial hand, for the lack of a better name

I just realized that I am constant in my apparent nonconsistency. It is the same "thing" nomatter where it seems to be coming from. It makes me wonder if I have the strength to pass the time in a similar way (Wuthering Heights). It would be like going to a costume party and falling in love with the one dressed up like a clown, when you hate "clowns" but really it is your husband in disguise. Even behind a costume, I would love the same, costumes don't conceal what I love. There are ways; however, to trick me without manipulating my brain physically. . I have been thinking alot lately about being the hunter instead of the hunted. Maybe it is changing my frame of mind that will sort of awaken a new muse inside of me that is dormant for now. "Without change something sleeps within us and seldom awakens... The sleeper must awaken." -Dune . Time is the measurement of change. Change must be created here and immediately.

may 27, 2012

I want to remember how I felt as a contrast, right now I feel like my life is far worse than a prison. It is a Hello, of my own doing. I believe that there is a way out and I still have hope, but like a little Hobbit, I really don't have much of a chance, but that won't deter me. I don't like any of my options, and the reason I don't like them is,because they will only lead to different consequences not better ones. So, at this point I am a bit like Frodo taking the ring to Mordor, while being told that it is impossible and expecting Gandalf to tell me the right way even.

It (not the Clown living in the drain)

It has been on my mind. It is the cause of terrible injustice, and misunderstanding. What is it? The propogated idea, where ever it started, I know not, yet. In one word it is called happiness. on the other hand is suicide. It is frustrated and has been allowed to fester until the only obvious solution is escape.

People who actually try to understand, and actually do something are perplexed by the notion that someone so successful would kill themselves. The truth is that they, themselves, are on that same figurative ledge. Society has accepted that success in one unmodified word, means that you obtain things. It is believed that this is the ultimate goal of everyone. But, success actually refers to achieving our goals, not in the achieving some ultimate goal. I feel like I am just rehashing what songwritters have been trying to say in music for ages, maybe they didn't realize it though. I want to let you hear it from the source.



But, on second thought, I see the real conclusion was never reached. She suggests that Love can buy it (happiness) maybe. Ofcourse, most of us don't figure that out until it is too late. But, as the median age keeps drifting out older and older, the immediateness of choices might drift to the age where maturity starts molding the choice of companion, instead of attraction, sex, etc. right now, teens are finding themselves burdened with the weight of finding the right one for them, but divorce rates show that people believe they were wrong. I am not convinced that love really will provide what we lack, though, by definition, it might. If I define love as being the power to overcome. What on earth do I mean by that? I mean, the thing that we find that helps us overcome or endure every trial is love. So place them in an equation Love=Force needed to reach our goals and we say Love = Success. And so it does seem reasonable, but if that is correct then, finding it would be the most important thing (This was actually one of my best friend's favorite saying in high school "It is the Single most important thing...", and all sorts of other "sins" would become forgivable in lieu of obtaining love, rather than another truth Whitney Houston suggested:

Learning to love yourself > All other love. That makes alot of sense, but what is the point of money or beauty then if anyone can have love? It is used to trade, wouldn't it be cool if we only traded for the sake of interacting? But, among other things, I wonder how service fits in this whole paradigm. Or the commandment to love God with your entire being ( heart, mind, etc.). How can the goal be to find love and we find it in ourselves, and yet we must love others and God entirely? I think another song explains that question/answer well:



For the first time ever, I got a joke in the lyric "You're a God and I thought you would know." I usually take it so cerebrally and fit it in with all of the other things that the first person is realizing, because I always feel like I just don't realize the things everyone else holds as "self-evident" or common sense. But, this time I was listening from the point of view that maybe there is no contradiction in loving oneself and loving God entirely. And if everyone was God then yeah, nothing would be cumulitively impossible and everything would be known. I thought it was a good joke about you are God and I just asumed that makes you omnicient. Ok. I need to take a break from thinking any more tonight, Enjoy the music! that is not really a command, but a hopeful, suggestion.

I have been thinking alot about the conference talk on how we find sacrament meeting how we approach it. I always love it, I almost feel as strongly about it that I dare say that I love to go to Sacrament meeting, maybe like sugar, I think the Love is a type of addiction, but at the time my children were very bored and I thought how it is like mustard for me. I hated it when I was a child, but I am quite fond of it now, so much that I cannot have a hoagie sandwich witout it. nick is watching the Matrix and I am just blown away by it now, and I think it is like the emperor's new clothes I knew others saw things in it, so they claimed to love it, but I had seen it and it uneffected me. One of my dearest internet friends with whom I am having a bit of reality trouble right now said something a while back about how our perspective changes and things around us don't change, but how we see them does, Yeah, nothing profound about that, it was true, but not noteworthy, until tonight. I think the movies I had seen so many times and not grasped what others loved about them need to be revisited. Things that held no value to an immature me, like this movie, may hold the secrets I long for. I think that the more like those who create a thing we are the more we will appreciate and understand the profound things they say. Conference talks amaze me how they apply to everyone all of the time. I had explained that in many other ways before, but ultimately it is the power of God that marks their words as his. They are truly instruments of His own, and the better I know God, the more I love their words, and as Ann Dibbs said last Saturday quoting John the beloved "If ye love me Keep my commandments." There was another passage that tugged at my understanding. somehow I marked it in my thoughts as being significant in that I was not ready for it yet, but it opened up to me. We are given commandments to love God with All of our heart mind and soul. It bothered me how we are also commanded to love out husbands with all of out heart. The only way I could understand that was to think that we needed to love a husband who emulates God and love and encourage that part of him. But, instantly, I thought of another scripture that had caused alot of debate and I never actually understood what it meant but had to banish it from my thoughts knowing that I was a babe and could not yet understand such things. Paul said that it was better to remain single, which didn't seem to agree at all with me "It isn't good to be alone." Anyway, I could talk in circles about that, but I thought, "Oh! we have to multiply and replenish the earth which could not be done if we never married. But, I understood that it is a matter of levels. People are on different levels in their life, and different options are appropriate for them. Perhaps it is better to not marry if you cannot love God entirely and love a spouse, but it ought to be possible.

Scandalous

I just could not post this thought to my actual facebook page because of the nature of what I'm going to say, they are my words, and represent my thoughts, but they do not paint an adequate or useful picture of who I am. Like facebook statuses usually do? But, I could be less restrained. I was noticing how people acted differently on a game show after it was publically noted that they would be sort of immortalized this way.... anyway...

It is my opinion that the consumers are the ones holding the leadership positions. I said a whole lot more but lost it, so I'll just abridge it. I have always abhored how cultures spent money on things that are meant to be accessories, but they do not have the essentials. And because of this, I have been called racist. It is alot like callingsomeone who doesn't like terrorists a racist. Yes, there is a greater chance that the person is a terrorist if they are Arab just as there is a greater chance if you are black that you are a gang member, but I have never limited my ability to be offended because of skin color.

A more dangerous terrorist would be the unexpected recently converted all-American boy. likewise I noted that it was not ever noticed or expected that my husband would share that same prioritty or mind set that i consider lazy and just wrong, but since he has lost his job again, I get to see what he really values, and it really suprises me.

Now to tie that back in with pop culture and government. I feel like a complete outsider, because the only people spending money on frivilous things are the ones who are turning to the government to "rescue" them because they don't have money for their basic needs. once, at a picnicat my in-laws someone commented on the imigration problem as it being like birds or ther pets, Feed them, and they will never leave. And it attracts them.

All of these government programs are well meaning, but for every good use, there are a million and one bad uses. I recall people commenting on a goverment grant program for musicians, and a concern was that it would be cut, but it was argued that what had it really produced anyway. reality demonstrates many similar occurances whe it comes to government aide.

A friend just explained tome how things could be another way. I liked his thoughts, but my humor crept in, and the thought blared out, "Really? I though you were either a communist and saved the world or a fascist and tried to rule it." Really, I think that all of the government programs are just satan's way to creep in and steal our agency. Calling it openly "communisim" didn't work. Even though it actually is based on a lot of good principles and such. No one would be fooled by obvious evil, that is the conclusion. But, slowly, the economic shift is driving our government to a change alright, but it just feels wrong.

Have you noticed how even the radio (which pours out sugary goodness addicting listeners) plays mostly Urban music now, it is what sells. My mom said that our world was becoming less and less civilized. I think she was right,but don't know what to do about it.

The best part

I wanted to write this yesterday, but I never got the chance, so even though I'd rather be sleeping, I'll tell this information now. My phone broke so, I couldn't read the kids their typical story, so they askedthat I read from Lena's novel some way side school book. I was going to read from where i left off last time, but Lena said "No, No! Here, let me find it, you need to read the best part." Brooksie wanted to know which part she thought was the best part and kept nagging until I started "Chapter 8: The best part" then she got it. But it was really quite funny, as the whole book is gauranteed to be. The story was about a boy who brought his puppy to class. Everyone thought it was so cute, and as most women, the teacher was under it's spell, so she forgave this boy alot because of his adorable, plastic puppy. But one girl in particular wasn't impressed and was determined to steal it. The title's name comes from the best thing that this puppy did which the boy seemed never to fully show, though he did get it to transform into a "maneating wolve" by pulling on it. It started by pulling on it's tail and I thought "Oh Great Scott" this is a child's book, I would expect childish humor, and what do kids love best but poop, I was delightfully suprised, as was the girl who was trying to steal the "cute puppy" from the boy's desk, instead began screaming as her finger got stuck on one of it's sharp fangs as she was trying to remove it from his desk. But, when asked to help the boy just said the final words, "Oh, thiss is the best part."

6:25 still no Nick, and no message...

And today was extremely pivotal,
His choices are making mine obvious and easy.

There are many ways that he could let me know what's up, but he doesn't.

Not anything unusual, but definately not the way I plan to spend eternity. I spent all of the time juggling 2 babies trying to make a meal that would be satisfactory for him, all the while I am sorta being prompted by a little don't know which is the devil or which is a little angle, but it whispers, you really shouldn't put up with that, no reward is worth it. or, get out now, or you will really regret it! So, no I didn't do other things that I wanted to or ought to, just in order to make a meal that will be cold an crappy and unappreciated. Probably, because while our fridge breaks andI struggle to feed the babies, he goes to resturants or spends his precious moneyon fast food, and then just liters his car with the empty bags and such. I really should'veknown better than to absob the blame after seeing his car and the state of things that he supposedly takes care of. Even his family members have bragged that he was so god at cleaning things and he considers himself such a fine cook, but NEVER has he offered to cook a meal for me or anything but accuse meof rediculos things like burning food or not organizing things or losing things because of ADD, whatever. I honestly am having another day where I question how much I can take Almost 7 and nothing. How discourteous. That's it, I'm going out and not leaving a note. We've already eatten and I'm tired of waiting so that I can leave he house for a second. It would be nicer if I knew what I was dealing with.