the big secret

this one has taken a long time comming, but I have not ever stopped thinking on it. The big secret that I'm referring to is the one that others who find it value it and those who don't have it eith ought to or do seek it. I am referring to the thing that makes unity possible between individuals. It is not love or sex or money, but a purpose that causes the feeling of being needed. Yesterday was my anniversary, which went totally unnoticced by my husband, combined with other things I would say, that's just the way he is. But, I also realized that is not going to cut it. It dawneed on me that I do feel appreciated, which many people would mistake for love. Let me share a clip that brought that notion home for me: What I don't have the time to say, but it plagues my thoughts is a notion that I'm a truly grateful for the things that Nicholas has done to help me, but that I amnot at all important to him, he has made it obvious time and again,and I need that in my life. I remember Brandall saying to Maria in an e-mail (he told me about) where he asked how things were going with her husband. He thought it strange that two latter-day saints could be together and if they really needed each other then they would want to be sealed. I do not love Nick, and to make things easier he does nothing to try to win any affection in fact he does the opposit, it is no suprise that I have been so full of hate towards him, that has been no secret. I even had the children in a futal attempt to make him care for me. I feellike it was a game of chess and none of my moves worked, I am doomed to failure, but keep insisting on some sort of last minute luck. urrrrg! Mary needs my attention.