Well, if I can't figure this out, no one else even has a chance.
It's sad, but true. I always want someone to figure me out, but I am a mystery to myself for the most part.

     I have a theory though about why I picked Nicholas, and no, it isn't as lofty as the other reasons that I have used, and explained so often that I start to believe them. I married him because it was my window and i was not going to suffer for my pride. I have thought highly of him it is true, I still do, but I never have thought that he was handsome. I do not even find anything about him or his habit attractive. But, there is a line in the movie "Amadeus" where a lady says that "Only talent interests a person of taste." ya da ya da, you get the point. I figured that I fell in love before and it blinded me to other traits that Nick did posess and I appreciated. But, ultimately, things fell apart because I made a big mistake. I figured that because he was so fat and ugly, that he would think that I was skinny and pretty. I didn't want to find someone who was so attractive because I didn't want those traits to be appreciated solely in me, as it was so much was already lost and I felt like a hollow shell of the beautiful gil I once was or was once expected to become. I honestly thought that I would not be self concious of myself because he would know all of the secrets of dealing with being ugly, It had not seemed to effect him though he had been that way all of his life. i only recently became that way, untimely, and unexpectedly. But, instead, I found myself fishing fo compliments and he never ever said that he loved me so I said it for him, and made up reasons for every thing he did for me, but eventually that ended, too. I started making myself flowers and imagining great love affairs, because he pretty much ignored me and only tolerated me and seemed to be angry at my disabilities, like it was all an act to get sympathy or help or something and I was fine.

      I learned eventually that it doesn't matter if someone else tells you that you are attractive, it must be self-realized. gradually, I reaized that it was all a ploy in the first place, I was not fat or ugly, Brandall just said that, and I put that opinion in other's comments and thoughts. I finally realized that I was pretty, but it matter most to be a beautiful person in who I am which could not be altered in this life in anyway. there is a part of me that will not need to wait until I'm resurrected to exsist in it's most pure and lovely state. I also think that in molding our sirits it will effect how we physically appear.

     Though I still put so much blame on Nick for not being who I needed. I do blame myself more for ending up inn this situation, and I ought to learn to enjoy mortal life and not just see it as something I must endure.