How unhappy!

I am so scared by the thought that i just had, I want to let it out here, so that I can forget it. I thought:" I'll do anything if it is necessary." and, I cannot renig. Alot of thoughts converged to lead me to the idea that I got a do over, it isn't an oppoertunity many people get. But, I didn't do things right yet, so I realized that I just might be so blessed again. It is as terrifying as giving birth, I do not want to have to endure anything like that again, but the reward seems worth it and we forget the pain because of the chance at lasting happiness. I think of others who suffered also and it is terrible. It seems like I'm the only one who doesn't get it. I am not stupid, just I am cautious. I suppose that things must not happen in my desired time frame and, if writting musicreally is my goal and passion, then loss or want, really, produces the best loved songs. people write a few good songs about life after marriage, but face it, then they loose interest, like Mormon mothers, they have lots of great thoughts, but no time to develop them into art. Plus, when they have time, they die, that used to be the case at least. So, I am actually being blessed to hve all of the enlightenment and opportunity that can be gotten from this life in prolonging the purposeor end of my own life.