Nick rented Les Mis for me and it was a wonderful gesture! I had been thinking of the time in college I was making a virtual library, cataloging everything I owned. This was the early days of Website design when HTML was relatively unknown .Asp, Flash, or ajax was unthought of yet, with that the standardizing of webdesign had not occurred so we did not have the standard "About me" "Contact" "Photos" you get the idea for links. I put things that I supposed would be the best way to learn about me, "My Library" "Original Music" "Poetry" etc. well, I was growing tired of recording each book so I started just copying and pasting "Victor Hugo" as the author of each book. I recalled this when I was watching Cars 2 with my son and there was a car named Victor, Victor Hugo, no less. The car was a Hugo. Cute, very Disneyish!
But, I was verclempt several times while watching it, though good it made me think several thoughts, the most paramount and unavoided one surfaced and so, I do not want to run from it anymore, but instead will record it and stare at it face on.
I want to start over, but everything taught is that you cannot really get a clean slate, though I did actually get one, after doing time in a hospital bed and trading my talents for it. But, I never appreciated it then.
When Fontine (sp?) was singing about her child I actually had that experience to draw from and I prayed so hard that my daughter will be cared for and I loved all of my children so much, it nearly even pains me now to think of it. Then that triggered my second thought how all of the carachter's and the movie itself was so dark and desperate. And Jean Valjean decides that the only way to do over or redeem is to start over with a new alias, and he sings about how the old self died. that reminded me of a theme from Brigham city. That method of recreating oneself worked so well, It shocked me to discover the man was not who I believed he was, then I struggled with the fact that if a person isn't his name... or is he? my dad liked to talk about ancestors asking "What have you done with my name?" then, I thought about how it was like we all must do with our sins, bury them and never return to them.
so much self-inspection lead me to the natural outpouring of things I kept too long inside, and I still do not have the skill to document them faithfully, but there are overarching themes that shape who I am...
I am a good person, but I feel like I am eternally trapped. mortality is an easy thing to escape, but death would not be an escape of much. What my big struggle is, is that I am not in love, really in love the way I believe one needs to be. But, here I am unable to do anything about it. I am not talking about needing the Atonement or forgiveness. I have not committed any unpardonable sin, yet I am stuck. My only escape (Where can I turn for peace) is in thinking that it is just a matter of time. But, as I was trying to think of a solution, no matter how crazy, it could be as silly to ask God to touch some rocks to make them glow. I thought, do not limit my imagnation but come up with a solution.
I wanted all of my children to be with their fathers but with me, too. I really do not want to be with those fathers. I think the older kids are well cared for, no big concern there. Eventually my little kids will grow up and I want to be sealed to them, but I do not want to be sealed to their father.
My solution, is out there, though more complex than it was, but the solution would be for me to be sealed to someone I loved with my children, all of them. We could be a big happy eternal family afterall. So, instead of being sad I will start focusing on this goal. I was happy with Brandall, but that has been destroyed, by him, I simply will not do that to anyone else, if I do get married it will be eternal and no excuse will deter me. Hang on. Woah Nelly! Stop the presses, Didn't say that right. I am married!
Because, what is utterly important is living forever with this man whom I love. The easiest solution is to fall in love with Nick have him transform who he is and what he does, and somehow adopt those children. That was my initial plan. Well, ok I got everything, but the falling in love part. I knew that I wanted a family, I only saw that as my goal but then I lost sight of that, and saw too late that I was building the family minus some key points, normally, I say, you try and fail that is how you learn what to aim for, but I fear it is too late. I see what I want now, but see that I missed the opportunity.
No comments:
Post a Comment