I was thinking about how I am so concious of taking advantage of others but it is the one thing that I want them to do to me, but don't sometimes, strange. No, it isn't that strange, you love everyone, and yet, you only hug or kiss certain people, it is a bit like that.
Here it is: Marriage is the place where we get to practice being unselfish. It really seems like being taken advantage of, and it would be if it was under different circumstances. I think it is like punishing children for breaking the rules, it might seem mean, when misunderstood.
Ok, new thought just interuppted me, heard this, "There is no point writting songs that no one will ever sing." I disagree. but, it is again a matter of purpose, if you are writting them as a job which is to earn you money, I suppose then he is right, but in my case I have written songs to express things, like these words, I love the scene from Anonymous where Edward Devere tells his wife about how he must let things out, and until he does they give him no peace. And finally Elizabeth tells him that None of his plays or poems will bear his name. Again, that doesn't have anything to do with why he wrote them in the first place, but if we all had motives of recognition, it would feel bad. His salvation is that he has influenced one playright in particular, who makes a huge difference in the world. And the fact that he has influenced so many by being "heard" the name or method does not matter so much. uh, now if I can remember what I was intending to say.... I got nothing.
I had to reread and it jarred my memory. A reason for my hospitalization is comming clear to me now. One I was oblivious to before because I was not ready or wanting to understand. I am deeply driven by the desire to be pretty, though I do not like to be esteemed because of it. I know that doesn't make much sense to you, but it is clear to me. Like when I was a computer technichian and people would ask, where is the guy? sort of as a girl couldn't do it. There are several times when being attractive was determental. I was accused of sleeping my way to the top when others were turned down for promotions, but they were ugly nd cited that as the reason. Ofcourse I did my darndest to help and prove that it was not my looks at all, it was just a matter of intellect, but how do you do that tactfully? Anyway, I really want my husband to be so attracted to me, and prize me more than he can stand so that I am constantly on his mind, but I do not really want anyone else to think I'm pretty, unless that makes him jealous, what? just being honest.
Anyway, that is what made me unhappy in my last marriage. I was not valued at all, I did not realize that was my motivation for doing things that made him angry, and I wanted to just be with him forever, but I look at the things that happened, and it was commented about how healthy I was and it attributed to the fact that I could endure and survive my illness. So, while I was being mad about my whole life falling apart, it was just falling or refalling into place so that I could be blessed as I am now, unexpectedly.
My thoughts were, but I wouldn't need help if I hadn't gotten so sick and been hospitalized. I wouldn't get this help in somewhere else, so being in Utah is exactly the right place and it is pretty much the only thing I know and must cling to. Very influential initially was a talk given at a broadcasted Stake conference where a story was given about how someone moved here and they bore a testimony about how peole were being gathered in preparation for the second coming, ur, wait a sec. I cannot say that is what was spoken or heard by others, but it solidified the idea in my mind that this was the place that I was wanted to be. Then, recently we studied another talk where we learned that it is important to focus on what we do know if we want to know more. I see that with things I want. I really do not want to be here, but I want to be in the right place and i know that I am so I will not move.
Stand in Holy Places, strange but that was in my mind. I don't get it, but it was that I ought to just type that on a single sentence and leave it at that.
Stand ye in Holy Places.
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