morning thoughts

So, just as I began typing another thought jumped into focus pushing all I had planned to type out of my mind completely. Wait. I remember I was going to talk about the first day back to school, and how I am more nervous for the kids than they are. Makes me think of great and terrible being the same from different view points.

I am going to severely miss having Joseph around. Both he and Brooksie feel like they are so much of me... the notion I have is that they were born so that I might have true friends. I still think ever so highly of Lena. She is a rarest for of perfection, almost incomprehensible a bit like Mary in that they seem to perfect for this world. Turns out I am not going to make a post this morning, but consider long and hard the new notion that just entered my thoughts.

But, I did want to mention how idiotic my fitness journey was. My latest data proved that I may exercise if I want to, but it has no effect upon the scale, whereas peeing of wearing jeans does... also, the last advice I was given (proving how unintelligent the advice is) was to stop smoking and drinking alcohol entirely if I really want to lose weight. Duh! I neither smoke or drink alcohol anyway, never have, and my scale says I need to lose weight. I feel healthy and doubt losing weight of any k8nd would help my health in any way.

morning conclusion

I am going to need to gain weight to get my prayers answered of being healthy. I have been given a gift, a tremendous one that I really ought to be wiser than to fritter it a way in chasing the fleeting standard of beauty tatted by the world. If I truly trust in God that means that I believe that he hears, truly hears and understands, my pleadings. I have been warned that I will be heard and answered but that those answers will not seem correct. But, with eternal perspective I understand what to do for my body and it involves giving up on chasing the notion planted by my peers. That never was or will be the true beauty that I hold the potential for. Though, Physical health is significant, it is not the measure of a successful body. 

Life is going to be good today!

morning thought

Losing weight is out of the question for me. Perhaps it is the BMI thingy was designed for little people because my readings were all above average or excellent, except for my body weight it is calculated to be high, but, just mu muscle weight is over my desired weight, and the more I work out the lower my fat weight goes and the higher my muscle weight. But, according to  typical calculations, my body fat is dangerously low and so is my subcutaneous fat, still my BMI is "Overweight" though, I do not look or feel overweight. And my calculated age is 53, well, I am still 51 (for about 2 months). But I look much younger than absolutely everyone my age. In fact, just this past week, it was debated when I was declared the oldest person present. Even my siblings have gray hair, but I'm the 2nd oldest. Anyhow, should I stop the strength training? My BMR was estimated to be 1725 calories, so, basically, if I ate that many calories per day ( which I don't) and did not exercise at all I would use every calorie, and I do. I only gain weight when I eat more, out of curiosity not craving or anything. But, consistantly not getting enough energy but forcing my body to work raised my level of cortisol sky high, couple that with not being able to get good sleep (more than about 4 hours) for over 20 years, it is amazing that my body has been able to survive and still be healthy. 

In the hospital, the doctors would tell me that a healthy body gains weight. So, as I increased my health, and did truly feel better, I gained weight. To the point where now, I am overweight... and I don't know what to do. 

Maybe my scale is completely wrong, and it is not muscle but fat and water, but, I do tests on myself and find rules and principles that if adhered to produced exact output. 

1) though I have been told that a brain uses keytones,  I even took exogenous keytones and saw no discernible result.

2) I believed that fasting would force my body to use fat stores for energy, but after 5 days of no food, none of the mentioned results followed and I watched tons of videos. I only have noticed with my new scale that my weight fluctuates between 5lb s of water weight throughout the day, so fasting depleted my water surplus weight, but eventually I gain it back, I thought I was loosing fat or muscle, but currently, I am over 50% water weight, so it makes sense that fasting would cause weight loss.

3) I have been made to believe that people are vastly unhealthy and they need to loose weight to achieve health. I suspect that a I already am healthy and loosing weight would only be the result of me trying to fit a societal standard of appearance because I do not look like an average physically fit person.

morning thought

All along, I have been quantifying my success wrong. I have been waiting to be smaller, and lose weight. But, it has taken me a great deal of time to realize that to more I exercise is directly related to the weight I gain. However, through comparitive unbaised measurements, I realized that (after my huge realization that I was flooded with cortisol) although my body is overweight, it is healthy, and the only factor that are high are water weight and muscle tone making my calcuted (incorrectly, I suspect) bmr is extremely high and my report recommends i gain some fat and try to at least meet my body's metabolic needs.

I have been going by the fact that our health is more driven by what we eat than what stress we put our bodies through. And frankly, it has become nearly impossible to stress out my muscles. They keep growing and adapting. I have significantly more muscle body weight than my husband. And this morning the only thing that gained (causing cumulative weight gain) weight was my fat free body weight which reads well above my desired weight. Thos is what is causing me to ponder this morning. In college, when I was much slimmer, I still weighed over 140lbs. That was about 40 years ago. I needto keep moving, but must stop listening to what others are or do. My weight does not matter, I am healthy by all accounts only I want to be smaller. Honestly, I ought to be a better example to others that despite what the world teaches beauty is, true beauty does not come from external measurements but inner peace.

morning thought

There is so much said regarding temple symbolism. Well, isn't language symbolism, so all the symbols in the temples are messages (that was a random side thought). Our bodies are temples, that is quite well accepted and understood. I was telling my daughter that she believed something, and she was saying it was preposterous because she doesn't even know what she believes yet. But, I was trying to show her, like Sherlock Holmes, or all geometry actually, we can know the unknown through the known, and by what I know, I can extrapolate other things. It was spoken by a church authority once about how we do not get to pick and choose programs and doctrines that they ascribe to. It is like dominoes, because she had just born her testimony about prophets, I knew what she believed about identity because she is not a hypocrite and in the proclamation on the family (Signed by and created by prophets), I digress... my thought was that our bodies are temples and they are full of symbolism. I just saw a video where a person was listing symbols found in our bodies and then with a few assertions explained that that alone was a testimony of creation over evolution, and I liked that thought, so I let it flourish in my thoughts.

brain dump

relationships are only established when there is trust, so we build a relationship with Heavenly father by practicing trust in our Heavenly Father. without trust there is no relationship. 

Our Heavenly Father trusted us by letting us go, that is soooo difficult to do with our children.

God gave us ways to return, like the atonement, so that we could be forgiven. likewise, we need to record or journal so that our children will know, if needed, how the proper way was established to handled the situation. salvation is personal, not congregational. 

God understands us individually, and will do all he can to help us return, we just need to learn to believe that and accept and live by that knowledge. 

A covenant is more than a promise.

God is bound to keep any of his covenants he makes (d&c 82:10)and he made some with us.

I think of Abraham's covenant and how Sarah demonstrated and it is recorded for every generation how she lacked faith or trust that God would be able to keep his promise without her help, so she gave Abraham her handmaiden, and to this day so much blood shed and strife is a result of that choice.

When we break covenants we suffer the consequences... the only exception is the atonement. (pause to think)

Everything in nature functions through laws or in other words - by way covenant we can depend that the sun will raise each morning.

new schedule

From all of my research, which has been scientific and thorough, I am going to start a new routine, aimed at health and ultimately happiness ( which is what I was indirectly aiming for with the weight loss crap). My new plan will avoid snake oil or other stumbling blocks or detours that money can cause by being free....cause if someone is selling it, you cannot trust them.

1) wake up and do radio taiso, followed by stretch routine. Taichi for balance while my glucose spikes, then study the Book of Mormon until the kids go to school. Then do my mile walk while doing Icelandic vocabulary.

2) at noon, eat  followed by AB workout.

3) composition time until kids get home.

4) dinner, then walk as a family.

5) no food or electronics after 8pm.

6) CFM scripture at 8pm.

7) Take a bath, do stretch routine, and fall asleep by 10pm

are you really strong enough?

I felt inspired to record the impression I just had during my morning study of The Book of Mormon. I am trying to wrap my head around every concept and story in a broad stroke of firstly, 1 Nephi, and Someone me toned something I never  considered implications of before. It was in the dream that Lehi had of the tree of life, and he portook of tge fruit and it was incredibly desirous...yeah, and then he instantly looks for his family to share it with. And when he sees them he calls out and beckons to them. Isn't that noteworthy?

He does not leave the tree once he finds it, though he wants to share it, no doubt about it. It reminded me of a scene in the video about Gordon B. Hinckley where his wife says that she always knew that he would place God first in his life. And it is clear how if you place God first, your relationship with eachother will be strengthened, I digress... The realization to share was that one ought not ever considered themselves sufficient to a task, or in otherworldly, strong enough. 

We often feel mighty and strong and sure when we are being helped but if we wander off to help others that confidence will fade fast.

long story made short

I have made the resolution to study the book of Mormon for at least an hour per day. Because I am following, though late, Ezra Taft Benson's admonition to start from the inside out. And though I made huge progress in health beauty alludes me physically, and I realized that appearance does not even matter... there was a line from the movie Amadeus where a opera singer says, "only talent concerns a woman of taste." When told that Mozart was not at all attractive.

Is it Lymphatic?

I suppose mostly this will be a proof of trusting science to provide the unknown truth.

I just knew my problem was dehydration, although I proved undeniably, to myself several times that it was not an issue. Still, I could not leave well enough alone and day after day found myself pondering and searching for the answer to what ailed me. I mean, wasn't I unhealthy? Even common sense and most others expressed the opinion that it was a total waste of my time in trying to fix something that was not broken. As the new year came, I decided to adopt a new resolution to accept myself as I was and channel my money, time, and effort in new directions. Still, I found myself like a dog returning to it's own vomit.

Then, this morning everything clicked! All of the angles would add up to make a perfect triangle with this one angle! So, I have adopted it and my outlook has already improved significantly. Now, it is merely a matter of seeing if it hands on produces the desired result.

I started calculating and realized that I had been dehydrated, which is what all of my symptoms suggest, only if I drank more, I instantly peed it out. I always sort of gut reaction, sought out lymphatic  exercises not really even knowing what they were and several times I suspected I had liver or kidney issues, but then Boom! All at once I would loose weight, like over night whenever I drank alot of certain teas.

I realized what it was. I had a lymphatic blockage, and so mu body adapted so I would not retain too much water. But, I found a simple daily lymphatic routine which I fully believe with resolve each and every issue I ever had as long as I drink enough.

Bottom line: it is never a good thing to align your problems with problems that merely share symptoms.

story about forgiveness

If you suffer from worry, from grief or shame or jealousy or disappointment or envy, from self-recrimination or self-justification, consider this lesson taught to me many years ago by a patriarch. He was as saintly a man as I have ever known. ...

He grew up in a little community with a desire to make something of himself. He struggled to get an education.

He married his sweetheart, and presently everything was just right. He was well employed, with a bright future. They were deeply in love, and she was expecting their first child.

The night the baby was to be born, there were complications. The only doctor was somewhere in the countryside tending to the sick. ...

Finally the doctor was located. In the emergency, he acted quickly and soon had things in order. The baby was born and the crisis, it appeared, was over.

Some days later, the young mother died from the very infection that the doctor had been treating at another home that night.

John’s world was shattered. Everything was not right now; everything was all wrong. He had lost his wife. He had no way to tend both the baby and his work.

As the weeks wore on, his grief festered. “That doctor should not be allowed to practice,” he would say. “He brought that infection to my wife. If he had been careful, she would be alive today.”

He thought of little else, and in his bitterness, he became threatening. ...

One night a knock came at his door. A little girl said simply, “Daddy wants you to come over. He wants to talk to you.”

“Daddy” was the stake president. ...

This spiritual shepherd had been watching his flock and had something to say to him.

The counsel from that wise servant was simply, “John, leave it alone. Nothing you do about it will bring her back. Anything you do will make it worse. John, leave it alone.” ...

He struggled in agony to get hold of himself. And finally, he determined that whatever else the issues were, he should be obedient.

Obedience is powerful spiritual medicine. It comes close to being a cure-all.

He determined to follow the counsel of that wise spiritual leader. He would leave it alone.

Then he told me, “... It was not until I was an old man that I could finally see a poor country doctor—overworked, underpaid, run ragged from patient to patient, with little medicine, no hospital, few instruments, struggling to save lives, and succeeding for the most part.

He had come in a moment of crisis, when two lives hung in the balance, and had acted without delay.

“I was an old man,” he repeated, “before I finally understood! I would have ruined my life,” he said, “and the lives of others.”

Many times he had thanked the Lord on his knees for a wise spiritual leader who counseled simply, “John, leave it alone.”

today is a big day

I came to this conclusion in lesser degrees line upon line it is more or less a commulation of hundreds of small thoughts that together led to this big conclusion.

I was praying about what on earth I should do about my health, I was perplexed with my latest review of my statistics, at the time each made sense, but when stepping back and looking for trends and such I couldn't make sense of it. My logical conclusion was that my blood sugar spiked because I needed it to so that I would be able to exercise. And whenever I did not exercise because of low blood-sugar the result is that my body always performs ideally. One might even call it a miracle.

So, I was praying and almost complaining/crying about how it just makes no sense... back up... the reason I was praying in the first place was because of some quote from a lesson in institute about if we had faulty hardware we would contact the manufacturer, and God is the creator of all so, I 100% knew that he could easily see what was going on here. And my undeniable answer was that when I actually start doing the things I have already been told, it will all work out. At this point I jolted up and decided to make a chart for the things I had the idea to do but at first bit of resistance I gave up. I will try harder. I will not be the good seed that never took root.

Then, as I was washing some dishes I thought about how many times I had prayed that I be healthy and strong. Well, duh! I meant it didn't I? Why be confused that I had health and strength regardless what the other gurus said should happen.

Ultimately, my dad was right. I really get tired of realizing that. Ofcourse he was right. That's why I chose him to be my dad! By the number of kids you can tell he was popular, no? I digress.

My conclusion is that if I pray for health and strength I will have it. I honestly should stop thinking Heavenly Father would have the same ideal in mind as does the rest of the world.

It is going to be hard,  to stop exercising so much and eat when I get hungry and pray, but I believe it will make me truly beautiful, regardless if that seems so. Honestly,  most of the people I think are truly beautiful would not win even runner up in a beauty pageant, so theres that.

I need to focus my time and energy elsewhere, this self-help, health crap is a perfectly designed stumbling block! It actually reminds me of the leaders who tried to get people to do something other than what was needful at a youth conference. I thought I was so clever because I knew what was going on there, and yet, I failed to see this while it was wasting my precious time away.

I conclude that beauty is not going to look the same on every person.

memory

I can nearly remember this, but, something told me to write it down to recall later, so I will try to recall what I can.

It was 2000 and I had flew to Seattle to buy maternity clothes. It was cheaper to buy a flight and shop and thrift stores than to buy things at maternity stores. I wore a red outfit someone had given me in Nashville. It was from a lady who decided that she was not yet done with her maternity clothes and ask for them back  I can recall that her husband was on the high council and he was from Gallatin or Hendersonville. Anyway. My memory is from visiting the Temple. I used to absolutely love the temple grounds and garden at the temple in Renton, so as I was outside and confiscating on family and such as a pregnant woman does, I saw a family sort of playing together. Nothing else struck my mind, but that the children idolized their father and it made me miss Brandall and think of how I hoped our children would someday look at their dad that way. And that is it. I used to remember more, but fear that if I do not write this down I will not even remember that it even happened at all. I have no visual recollection anymore of it. But, I know that it happened.. wait, it was in tge summertime, so it had to be 2001. I did not get married in 2000, just engaged... so, that is what I could recall 🤔 and it was important for some reason, so I am writing it down... a FHE lesson is in my thoughts of an object lesson where I relate a candles by applying a foam to the lingering smoke trail. It was a lesson taught by Thomas S. Monson called "Holy Smokes" to teach your children the value of keeping a journal.

great story idea

It is a historical psychological drama thriller type thing, about a fictional figure head and a mysterious death and the person least expected is guilty though the killer had not premeditated their role is assisting a death.

I had the idea as I researched about fat trapping away toxins like pesticides, I thought maybe a monarch would be genetically predisposed to with stand attempts to poison them, and it would be long forgotten anyhow, until they begin to become overweight and look to loose weight, thereby releasing toxins that  overcome the body and cause death, all because someone suggested a way to loose weight successfully....murderer?

It would make a good story!

this must end.

No more. I finally decided to step back and realize the big picture of what is going on here. I loose a LOT of weight, and get excited, but feel fatter, so I exercise probably to an extreme, I am trying to make up for the loss of locomotion. And I drop a bunch of sizes, and like the way I look, but I weigh myself to find that I have gained all of the weight back, plus, exercise makes me so hungry! Repeat. I decide that all the eating is why I gained weight so I diet pretty rigidly,  until I start to feel fat again, so I weigh myself and find that I actually lost a significant amount of weight. But, I feel so fat and I have gained my larger size figure back, so I exercise which leads to eating, uh oh!

I thought I figured it all out, so, I did modern exercise combined with fasting, and it works, truly, but, my body wants to be a certain size that I do not like, ahhrg!

So, this morning, I figured, in my figuring mindset that I would rather not feel large and loose weight. So, I am going to terraform, so to speak, my body with food and exercise, and I am not going to like it, and may even certain aspects of my duties painful, but that is what I have decided from a distance needs to be done, and additionally, I have read about how a group of people were trapped in a difficult cycle and discovered that the only possibility of deliverance was divine aid. I think it is the most necessary part of my health that I have been omitting because I deemed it one of those matters that were of no consequence to my Heavenly Father. But, it does matter to me and as a preschool teacher I learned that if a need like food or some creature comfort is causing stress it will effect the possibility of improvement in other areas.... so like, to improve test scores, bring a snack for your class....meaning, sure weight is insignificant, but in my case it has become a stumbling block for other more significant matters. I ought to include my Heavenly Father if I hope for success of any kind. Especially at certain mile makers, I will need to be strengthened.

Fasting is a true tool, causing change, but only one of many tools and but a part in the desired goal in this case.

brain dump

Notes from my morning study.

turn strengths into weakness.

wife said, "they got the right man for the job."

jesus doesn't fill up the difference jesus makes all the difference grace isn't about filling gaps it is about filling us.

Heaven will not be Heavenly for those who have not chosen to be in Heaven (and practiced such)...this last quote is pretty much exactly the point I tried to make when explaining to Brian Whisenant our high standards (by "our" I was referring to latter-day Saints opposed to other Christian denominations) I used the metaphor of playing Golf or hitting  a target. though the goal may be quite a long way off if we say the reward is the distance, hole in one is not so likely, but, practice makes a huge difference and though we might have chosen a easier destination or target, we see each stroke that doesn't end in perfection or successful completion as one try, but not a reason to give up but think of how much closer we have become, and try again.

I also think a lot of the Book, the Great Divorce, by C.S.Lewis.

awesome quote alert!

"If God relates to a diverse number of people 

in diverse ways then 

there must be diverse ways to relate to him". 

This thought helps me understand Norse Paganism... and all religions actually. Even Judaism and many hard to understand laws.

life happens in circles

I was pondering life and all the places I have been and things I had done that were even common place to me at the time. But, now they are foreign and I cannot even recall. Like touring Europe playing my trombone, I know that I did it because I have records of such and have repeatedly told a few stories, but I do not remember things like visiting Neuschweinstien or shopping in Switzerland, but I did. I was around 13 years old, the age of my children. I do recall one thing that has been extremely significant in my life and it happened not far from where I currently live. I doubt that is much of a significance. Also, I teach a primary class in the very place used as the Celestial Kingdom. I still have those memories. I was 17 and was alone in the room for a long while with billows sheer white curtains and a song "Alleluia" by Kenneth Cope. Everything about that youth conference effected my life and choices so much! I am going to listen to that song now.

https://youtu.be/ntjGknj7gxU?si=Eneo9goHDFsRU_R0

LOTR N BOM

I was just thinking about a song by Janice Kapp Perry and started singing " ...a book that gave a nation life". In the book of Mormon a prophet Enos recalls the words of his father while he was out hunting, well, I wasn't hunting, but in a similar way, the words came from a place within me and I started thinking about how a book could give a nation light and so, isn't that what Tolkein was doing for England with the Lord of the Rings? He was trying to create a sudden history or myth for England, but even my kids were having fun trying to assess factions like dwarves and Elves concluding that it ended up being a mock history of all of Europe. 

But, it doesn't end there, what about "The Odessey". Literature has always used story telling to convey wisdom and truth. I just watched a video yesterday where a group was quite upset about white/Europeans appropriating The Bible/Christianity, anyhow, my original thought, let me jump back, was how we will study the Oddessy and LOTR forever as great literature but, not the Bible or the BOM (Book of Mormon) and I had many friends and rolemodels leave the church decrying it as pure fiction.

The Book of Mormon is proven false in their eyes because the native Americans are not genetically Middle Eastern. But, honestly, the book ends with most of the people being killed off, so the native Americans are not necessarily the BOM people, much as very few even believe that a race of Elves exist, or minotaur for that matter, still something can be gained from studying records of them. I guess my gripe this morning is that if a book gave a nation light, wouldn't it be worth reading and studying? They made the book of Mormon into videos to watch and I think it should be as exciting and popular as the Hobbit, and seen as such : someone's idea of how things were, so go back and read what actually was written.

Lastly, I do not recall where, but I heard that originally Homer's Odyssey was used much as our Bible is today, and ideals and morals of those stories were taught. Generations were raised learning to be like so and so, many things change, but truth never does.

you can be patient

"Jesus is the God of miracles, nothing is at all impossible to him. Yet, this I know the most incredible of all his miracles is the one that rescues you and me."

From song, "The Miracle" by Shawna Edward's.

I was thinking about all of the miracles performed by Jesus that are amazing and contrary to "the way things are", I was amazed to consider that it was considered a greater miracle to be saved from sin, this, just was, to me.

I thought of how oblivious I had been to so very many miracles, and it was because they were not note worthy to me. In that thought, I was grateful that I valiantly stuck around when brain learning conflicted with things I had been instructed. I blindly clung to things that merely felt true, asking myself why was I being so foolish. Then, thus morning as I was watching, "The Chosen" season 3 episode 4 when Little James asks why he wasn't healed I understood...sure all of those physics defying tricks made for good stories, and serve as evidence to support the premise that nothing is impossible for our father in Heaven a.k.a God, but my testimony was understood as being a better story because the miracle is that I still waited and believed things I not only could not know, but had learned so much to contradict.

Often, I wished that I could be one of those believers, who feel so intently, like the people who believe the world is flat when every single thing denotes otherwise, and because I wanted to believe, I continued to do as one who did believe.... much like the scripture that explained that a witness comes after the trial of our faith... like that part I was actually looking for to watch when asked about healing the response was, " Yes, I believe. Help thou my unbelief."

Now, let it be said and known that I have never been a hypocrite. I did not feel like I was going through the motions or as a popular song states,  "praying to a God that I don't believe in". A church is like a hospital where one goes to be made whole. I did benefit and grew a lot along the way, but this morning I was thinking, "man, I have been so blind. I had eyes but didn't see. I am so glad I just stuck around for so long, but why did I?" The words spoken by Jesus on the show were, " Because, I trust you." Yeah, I bet that it was known beforehand that I would have this long struggle unaware of it, but ultimately I would be able to focus on the truths that matter and patiently just keep learning and growing until I was miraculously able to know spiritual truths that I had only hoped for.