perspective

I don't really have much to expound on this topic, but I wanted to see the marvel in my own life, and make a little note to myself letting me know that I was actually aware of this way back when.

I have noticed in other people's lives how they sorta seem to doom themselves by praying for a thing, and then failing to have a more perfect perspective, like the one objective time gives me because I was not living their life. People, instead curse God or give up all together when they have asked for a thing and then "suffer" in not getting things they think that they want all the while they are being blessed to get what they want and the struggle is only percieved.

Often, I have felt terrible that I prayed for things, knowing that I did get what I sought, but that it caused a whole lot of hardship for othes, but again, it might be a matter of pespective. Maybe we really only do get things granted us that are worthy and good, and just maybe the hardship to get that thing is worth it. Interesting....Worthy, Worth it. hmmmmm...

It is my current perspective that I am extremely little and insignifucant, but eternally, I may not be so, and those desires that I cannot understand yet, are going to click at some future point when I realize more, and my current failure at success in the thing I want is intended because ultimately it is somehow counterproductive.

"I've seen this happen in other people's lives, and now, it's happening in mine." -S. P. Morrissey
"as you are I once was and as I am, you will become." -From some scripture constantly quoted by my oh so wise father, only it was intended to remind us not to be careless of what we enjoy temporrily. likewise, do not fret for too long, for "This too shall pass."

Well, if I can't figure this out, no one else even has a chance.
It's sad, but true. I always want someone to figure me out, but I am a mystery to myself for the most part.

     I have a theory though about why I picked Nicholas, and no, it isn't as lofty as the other reasons that I have used, and explained so often that I start to believe them. I married him because it was my window and i was not going to suffer for my pride. I have thought highly of him it is true, I still do, but I never have thought that he was handsome. I do not even find anything about him or his habit attractive. But, there is a line in the movie "Amadeus" where a lady says that "Only talent interests a person of taste." ya da ya da, you get the point. I figured that I fell in love before and it blinded me to other traits that Nick did posess and I appreciated. But, ultimately, things fell apart because I made a big mistake. I figured that because he was so fat and ugly, that he would think that I was skinny and pretty. I didn't want to find someone who was so attractive because I didn't want those traits to be appreciated solely in me, as it was so much was already lost and I felt like a hollow shell of the beautiful gil I once was or was once expected to become. I honestly thought that I would not be self concious of myself because he would know all of the secrets of dealing with being ugly, It had not seemed to effect him though he had been that way all of his life. i only recently became that way, untimely, and unexpectedly. But, instead, I found myself fishing fo compliments and he never ever said that he loved me so I said it for him, and made up reasons for every thing he did for me, but eventually that ended, too. I started making myself flowers and imagining great love affairs, because he pretty much ignored me and only tolerated me and seemed to be angry at my disabilities, like it was all an act to get sympathy or help or something and I was fine.

      I learned eventually that it doesn't matter if someone else tells you that you are attractive, it must be self-realized. gradually, I reaized that it was all a ploy in the first place, I was not fat or ugly, Brandall just said that, and I put that opinion in other's comments and thoughts. I finally realized that I was pretty, but it matter most to be a beautiful person in who I am which could not be altered in this life in anyway. there is a part of me that will not need to wait until I'm resurrected to exsist in it's most pure and lovely state. I also think that in molding our sirits it will effect how we physically appear.

     Though I still put so much blame on Nick for not being who I needed. I do blame myself more for ending up inn this situation, and I ought to learn to enjoy mortal life and not just see it as something I must endure.

How unhappy!

I am so scared by the thought that i just had, I want to let it out here, so that I can forget it. I thought:" I'll do anything if it is necessary." and, I cannot renig. Alot of thoughts converged to lead me to the idea that I got a do over, it isn't an oppoertunity many people get. But, I didn't do things right yet, so I realized that I just might be so blessed again. It is as terrifying as giving birth, I do not want to have to endure anything like that again, but the reward seems worth it and we forget the pain because of the chance at lasting happiness. I think of others who suffered also and it is terrible. It seems like I'm the only one who doesn't get it. I am not stupid, just I am cautious. I suppose that things must not happen in my desired time frame and, if writting musicreally is my goal and passion, then loss or want, really, produces the best loved songs. people write a few good songs about life after marriage, but face it, then they loose interest, like Mormon mothers, they have lots of great thoughts, but no time to develop them into art. Plus, when they have time, they die, that used to be the case at least. So, I am actually being blessed to hve all of the enlightenment and opportunity that can be gotten from this life in prolonging the purposeor end of my own life.

Providencial hand, for the lack of a better name

I just realized that I am constant in my apparent nonconsistency. It is the same "thing" nomatter where it seems to be coming from. It makes me wonder if I have the strength to pass the time in a similar way (Wuthering Heights). It would be like going to a costume party and falling in love with the one dressed up like a clown, when you hate "clowns" but really it is your husband in disguise. Even behind a costume, I would love the same, costumes don't conceal what I love. There are ways; however, to trick me without manipulating my brain physically. . I have been thinking alot lately about being the hunter instead of the hunted. Maybe it is changing my frame of mind that will sort of awaken a new muse inside of me that is dormant for now. "Without change something sleeps within us and seldom awakens... The sleeper must awaken." -Dune . Time is the measurement of change. Change must be created here and immediately.

may 27, 2012

I want to remember how I felt as a contrast, right now I feel like my life is far worse than a prison. It is a Hello, of my own doing. I believe that there is a way out and I still have hope, but like a little Hobbit, I really don't have much of a chance, but that won't deter me. I don't like any of my options, and the reason I don't like them is,because they will only lead to different consequences not better ones. So, at this point I am a bit like Frodo taking the ring to Mordor, while being told that it is impossible and expecting Gandalf to tell me the right way even.

It (not the Clown living in the drain)

It has been on my mind. It is the cause of terrible injustice, and misunderstanding. What is it? The propogated idea, where ever it started, I know not, yet. In one word it is called happiness. on the other hand is suicide. It is frustrated and has been allowed to fester until the only obvious solution is escape.

People who actually try to understand, and actually do something are perplexed by the notion that someone so successful would kill themselves. The truth is that they, themselves, are on that same figurative ledge. Society has accepted that success in one unmodified word, means that you obtain things. It is believed that this is the ultimate goal of everyone. But, success actually refers to achieving our goals, not in the achieving some ultimate goal. I feel like I am just rehashing what songwritters have been trying to say in music for ages, maybe they didn't realize it though. I want to let you hear it from the source.



But, on second thought, I see the real conclusion was never reached. She suggests that Love can buy it (happiness) maybe. Ofcourse, most of us don't figure that out until it is too late. But, as the median age keeps drifting out older and older, the immediateness of choices might drift to the age where maturity starts molding the choice of companion, instead of attraction, sex, etc. right now, teens are finding themselves burdened with the weight of finding the right one for them, but divorce rates show that people believe they were wrong. I am not convinced that love really will provide what we lack, though, by definition, it might. If I define love as being the power to overcome. What on earth do I mean by that? I mean, the thing that we find that helps us overcome or endure every trial is love. So place them in an equation Love=Force needed to reach our goals and we say Love = Success. And so it does seem reasonable, but if that is correct then, finding it would be the most important thing (This was actually one of my best friend's favorite saying in high school "It is the Single most important thing...", and all sorts of other "sins" would become forgivable in lieu of obtaining love, rather than another truth Whitney Houston suggested:

Learning to love yourself > All other love. That makes alot of sense, but what is the point of money or beauty then if anyone can have love? It is used to trade, wouldn't it be cool if we only traded for the sake of interacting? But, among other things, I wonder how service fits in this whole paradigm. Or the commandment to love God with your entire being ( heart, mind, etc.). How can the goal be to find love and we find it in ourselves, and yet we must love others and God entirely? I think another song explains that question/answer well:



For the first time ever, I got a joke in the lyric "You're a God and I thought you would know." I usually take it so cerebrally and fit it in with all of the other things that the first person is realizing, because I always feel like I just don't realize the things everyone else holds as "self-evident" or common sense. But, this time I was listening from the point of view that maybe there is no contradiction in loving oneself and loving God entirely. And if everyone was God then yeah, nothing would be cumulitively impossible and everything would be known. I thought it was a good joke about you are God and I just asumed that makes you omnicient. Ok. I need to take a break from thinking any more tonight, Enjoy the music! that is not really a command, but a hopeful, suggestion.

I have been thinking alot about the conference talk on how we find sacrament meeting how we approach it. I always love it, I almost feel as strongly about it that I dare say that I love to go to Sacrament meeting, maybe like sugar, I think the Love is a type of addiction, but at the time my children were very bored and I thought how it is like mustard for me. I hated it when I was a child, but I am quite fond of it now, so much that I cannot have a hoagie sandwich witout it. nick is watching the Matrix and I am just blown away by it now, and I think it is like the emperor's new clothes I knew others saw things in it, so they claimed to love it, but I had seen it and it uneffected me. One of my dearest internet friends with whom I am having a bit of reality trouble right now said something a while back about how our perspective changes and things around us don't change, but how we see them does, Yeah, nothing profound about that, it was true, but not noteworthy, until tonight. I think the movies I had seen so many times and not grasped what others loved about them need to be revisited. Things that held no value to an immature me, like this movie, may hold the secrets I long for. I think that the more like those who create a thing we are the more we will appreciate and understand the profound things they say. Conference talks amaze me how they apply to everyone all of the time. I had explained that in many other ways before, but ultimately it is the power of God that marks their words as his. They are truly instruments of His own, and the better I know God, the more I love their words, and as Ann Dibbs said last Saturday quoting John the beloved "If ye love me Keep my commandments." There was another passage that tugged at my understanding. somehow I marked it in my thoughts as being significant in that I was not ready for it yet, but it opened up to me. We are given commandments to love God with All of our heart mind and soul. It bothered me how we are also commanded to love out husbands with all of out heart. The only way I could understand that was to think that we needed to love a husband who emulates God and love and encourage that part of him. But, instantly, I thought of another scripture that had caused alot of debate and I never actually understood what it meant but had to banish it from my thoughts knowing that I was a babe and could not yet understand such things. Paul said that it was better to remain single, which didn't seem to agree at all with me "It isn't good to be alone." Anyway, I could talk in circles about that, but I thought, "Oh! we have to multiply and replenish the earth which could not be done if we never married. But, I understood that it is a matter of levels. People are on different levels in their life, and different options are appropriate for them. Perhaps it is better to not marry if you cannot love God entirely and love a spouse, but it ought to be possible.