So, you think you know me fairly well? You only know what I care to make known.I'm aware of my public image and chances are you don't know me at all. I just make up a lot of thoughts and feelings for public display, you want sincerity? Go watch Lifetime, you're not gonna' get it here.

I need an umbrella

All of my words came raining on me in a torrential downpour it seems, I decided to use my own advice, and althouh it terrifies me, it also delights me. I suppose I am well enough now to see things more clearly, and a clear vision was the thing I lacked and it made me so dependant on others, I am ready to stand, and I do not have a clear path, yeah, I probably got that phrase in my head from playing final fantasy, it has been an obsession of mine for a long time and whenever I step far enough out in front of my life to see it in hindsight, I start remembering my love of the game and it successfully sucks in my time. uurrrgh!

Todays main thought was thatI have not been the coward that I feared that I was. When I was expecting Joseph, I was 2 things 1) confused and frced to make a decision and 2)completely without options as far as healthcare or insurance, but I just prayed and figured that God would work things out, and he did. I wanted to see my children so badly, it is nearly impossible to explain in words how I longed to see them. So, instead of freaking out because my mother said that I ought not come back home, because it wouldn't set the right example for them. I had only one option left pray for them to somehow be with me again, and everything worked out! They are with me twice each month and I have two more children. My hardest lesson has been to learn patience. It is true that I am overly anxious. the word relax means to loosen upto allow more perspective and as my perspective is enlarged things are less complicated, and hardships fade away. Commonly, this -- I cannot concentrate until this song is over...

I have been wisely encouraged to keep eternal perspective, right now that word "keep" stands out. being aware of things on an eternal scale is not hard, but when they conflict with immediate things or desires, keeping that perspective becomes a real chore. getting isn't the trouble. I can see just as so many "mortals" love to say things like "carpe diem" or make bucket lists, as they supposedly would do differently when faced with eternal consequences sooner. I wrote a story in college about people coming to anothe world to see how they would behave differently if their actions had suspended consequences.

One character thought it would be to his advantage because he loved this woman and believed that he would have a chance of somehow wining her affection if he could bend the rules a little, which could be done without immediate consequences.

Oh! I just got another story idea, of how the internet and social media is being used in desperation to sort through folk and find a particular someone. It could be kinda like the Screwtape letters continued. But the idea in that Book of Mormon video about Martin Harris and how no man can thwart the plan of God because his scheme was already accounted for. In my story, things will be accounted for in a way that is not understood presently by the heroine/hero who is not at all what they were and love, making them seem unrecognizeable to those who might search, but, what hardship is suffered temporarily for a better purpose long term. I have been thinking this thought a lot lately, all of our trials and misfortunes only seem such. Hence, eternal perpective must be achieved to really gain Peace of mind.

So much is unfolding to me today! it is the dawning of a new life, one that is so much more understanding and hopeful.

I feel like that girl who prayed in the movie 17 miracles. I do not know how things will work out and I really have some serious needs right now, but I also think of what Adele Joseph said about moving here, If God wanted her here, he would prepare a situation for her when she can't do anything more. I really can't do anything more except believe and know that things will work out. Haven't I seen enough of that to know it?

Ok, that was enough of my little outpour of words. Time to go sleep/dream.

the big secret

this one has taken a long time comming, but I have not ever stopped thinking on it. The big secret that I'm referring to is the one that others who find it value it and those who don't have it eith ought to or do seek it. I am referring to the thing that makes unity possible between individuals. It is not love or sex or money, but a purpose that causes the feeling of being needed. Yesterday was my anniversary, which went totally unnoticced by my husband, combined with other things I would say, that's just the way he is. But, I also realized that is not going to cut it. It dawneed on me that I do feel appreciated, which many people would mistake for love. Let me share a clip that brought that notion home for me: What I don't have the time to say, but it plagues my thoughts is a notion that I'm a truly grateful for the things that Nicholas has done to help me, but that I amnot at all important to him, he has made it obvious time and again,and I need that in my life. I remember Brandall saying to Maria in an e-mail (he told me about) where he asked how things were going with her husband. He thought it strange that two latter-day saints could be together and if they really needed each other then they would want to be sealed. I do not love Nick, and to make things easier he does nothing to try to win any affection in fact he does the opposit, it is no suprise that I have been so full of hate towards him, that has been no secret. I even had the children in a futal attempt to make him care for me. I feellike it was a game of chess and none of my moves worked, I am doomed to failure, but keep insisting on some sort of last minute luck. urrrrg! Mary needs my attention.

failure

A paradox solved!

I was telling my daughter several fables on the way home this morning. first was the one about a fox who wanted a piecde of cheese that the early bird already had in it's beak, but she had to know how it ended. So i told her that the fox got the cheese. that is what mattered most to her. interesting that our bedtime story asked what was more imortant cheese or   . And Brooksie explain that it would depend on the situation because really neither really mattered much, unless you were a greedy fox. ha ha ha! but, then I told her the paradox that was presented in Geometery class in highschool.. Alot of peoplee fascinate themselves similarly with Escher Sketches, but It impressed me and became significant because I just knew it wasn't true, but I didn't know how to say how I knew until I was explaining it in terms digestible by a child. I physically demonstrated it in person, how to get to one point you had to reach half way, etc. ultimately though you got closer, reaching your goal was impossible. because, it could always be divided in half which would need to be reached.

I stumped her, but then screamed EUREKA as I finally figured out how a point could be reached al though as I explained things it could not be. Thanks to Yo Gabba Gabba, I have learned to focus on not giving up. This was the secret. there really was noreason to stop half way. even though the distance could be infinitely disected, it could be traveled entrely. I perplexed her, She like so many others wondered how something so basic and obvious escaped me before and seemed to come as a great revelation. Well, that is exactly, how I feel about so many hidden truths and mysteries or revelations of such. I suppose it is a bit like childhood development Some learn to do certain things in a different order, focusing on other traits, like my baby, Mary, She still isn't walking at 17 months. But, in other areas she is so advanced, but will probably be considered wierd if her "common" traits don't meet the specifications society places on them. there are lots of constants I tune ut daily as insignificant until I recognize otherwise, but I am no better or worse, only different.

perspective

I don't really have much to expound on this topic, but I wanted to see the marvel in my own life, and make a little note to myself letting me know that I was actually aware of this way back when.

I have noticed in other people's lives how they sorta seem to doom themselves by praying for a thing, and then failing to have a more perfect perspective, like the one objective time gives me because I was not living their life. People, instead curse God or give up all together when they have asked for a thing and then "suffer" in not getting things they think that they want all the while they are being blessed to get what they want and the struggle is only percieved.

Often, I have felt terrible that I prayed for things, knowing that I did get what I sought, but that it caused a whole lot of hardship for othes, but again, it might be a matter of pespective. Maybe we really only do get things granted us that are worthy and good, and just maybe the hardship to get that thing is worth it. Interesting....Worthy, Worth it. hmmmmm...

It is my current perspective that I am extremely little and insignifucant, but eternally, I may not be so, and those desires that I cannot understand yet, are going to click at some future point when I realize more, and my current failure at success in the thing I want is intended because ultimately it is somehow counterproductive.

"I've seen this happen in other people's lives, and now, it's happening in mine." -S. P. Morrissey
"as you are I once was and as I am, you will become." -From some scripture constantly quoted by my oh so wise father, only it was intended to remind us not to be careless of what we enjoy temporrily. likewise, do not fret for too long, for "This too shall pass."

Well, if I can't figure this out, no one else even has a chance.
It's sad, but true. I always want someone to figure me out, but I am a mystery to myself for the most part.

     I have a theory though about why I picked Nicholas, and no, it isn't as lofty as the other reasons that I have used, and explained so often that I start to believe them. I married him because it was my window and i was not going to suffer for my pride. I have thought highly of him it is true, I still do, but I never have thought that he was handsome. I do not even find anything about him or his habit attractive. But, there is a line in the movie "Amadeus" where a lady says that "Only talent interests a person of taste." ya da ya da, you get the point. I figured that I fell in love before and it blinded me to other traits that Nick did posess and I appreciated. But, ultimately, things fell apart because I made a big mistake. I figured that because he was so fat and ugly, that he would think that I was skinny and pretty. I didn't want to find someone who was so attractive because I didn't want those traits to be appreciated solely in me, as it was so much was already lost and I felt like a hollow shell of the beautiful gil I once was or was once expected to become. I honestly thought that I would not be self concious of myself because he would know all of the secrets of dealing with being ugly, It had not seemed to effect him though he had been that way all of his life. i only recently became that way, untimely, and unexpectedly. But, instead, I found myself fishing fo compliments and he never ever said that he loved me so I said it for him, and made up reasons for every thing he did for me, but eventually that ended, too. I started making myself flowers and imagining great love affairs, because he pretty much ignored me and only tolerated me and seemed to be angry at my disabilities, like it was all an act to get sympathy or help or something and I was fine.

      I learned eventually that it doesn't matter if someone else tells you that you are attractive, it must be self-realized. gradually, I reaized that it was all a ploy in the first place, I was not fat or ugly, Brandall just said that, and I put that opinion in other's comments and thoughts. I finally realized that I was pretty, but it matter most to be a beautiful person in who I am which could not be altered in this life in anyway. there is a part of me that will not need to wait until I'm resurrected to exsist in it's most pure and lovely state. I also think that in molding our sirits it will effect how we physically appear.

     Though I still put so much blame on Nick for not being who I needed. I do blame myself more for ending up inn this situation, and I ought to learn to enjoy mortal life and not just see it as something I must endure.

How unhappy!

I am so scared by the thought that i just had, I want to let it out here, so that I can forget it. I thought:" I'll do anything if it is necessary." and, I cannot renig. Alot of thoughts converged to lead me to the idea that I got a do over, it isn't an oppoertunity many people get. But, I didn't do things right yet, so I realized that I just might be so blessed again. It is as terrifying as giving birth, I do not want to have to endure anything like that again, but the reward seems worth it and we forget the pain because of the chance at lasting happiness. I think of others who suffered also and it is terrible. It seems like I'm the only one who doesn't get it. I am not stupid, just I am cautious. I suppose that things must not happen in my desired time frame and, if writting musicreally is my goal and passion, then loss or want, really, produces the best loved songs. people write a few good songs about life after marriage, but face it, then they loose interest, like Mormon mothers, they have lots of great thoughts, but no time to develop them into art. Plus, when they have time, they die, that used to be the case at least. So, I am actually being blessed to hve all of the enlightenment and opportunity that can be gotten from this life in prolonging the purposeor end of my own life.