That has been proven false

I used to think that I was completely insignificant, and I didn't feel important. So, I assumed I was correct, and so far I am still correct in that I AM insignificant, but it is the unaware that amuses us. We buy and consume media because we relate to it. The majority can not relate to exceptional people. The most popular is the insignificant.

In a sense that makes us all significant but I assure you I do nothing particularly great, just like you. We must stop giving the credit due society to the movers and opinion makers. Each, perfectly insignificant one of us matter.

My mom really liked the Wonder Pets who sing, "We're not too big and we're not so tough but when we work together we've got the right stuff." And though it floated around in my head for years, it finally landed and I get it now. "Teamwork". It is teams working together that truly accomplish anything. Sure the Pharoah comissioned great monuments, but it was all of the common unimportant slaves who actually accomplished such lasting landmarks! So yeah, I am nothing and glad.

Private censor

I was thinking about how much harder it is to do things I easily did before. I decided that the biggest difference is that little reminder in your brain that tells you what is appropriate and what is not.
Hold on, the kids just emptied my drawers and tried to use them as boats in the bathtub.

Ok,  where was I? Got a three year old trying to bite me, winter is so very hard on these rambunctious creatures.

Even when I didn't have that bothersome internal morality cop, I just usually reasoned with myself, and felt bad about doing wrong, but now I have to deal with a huge ton of guilt for bad choices I made unaware. My old self believed in the buy now, pay later type of thing and now I am indebted to myself for things only I can forgive, but I don't.

I am glad that I didn't do anything really bad, but what would qualify as really bad? I dare say, I made pretty much the worst mistakes one can make, but others forgave me, that ought to be a hint. At one point a psychologist decided either I was a really good liar or a sociopath. There were things that could have been said to get,me to fess up to things, and I sort of wished he had with mistakes it is always best to just rip off the bandaid and deal with the consequences then. It is like my father-in-law said how you should never suspend punishment until dad gets home, or chances are the consequence will not be equal to the punishment nor will it be effective in teaching reform.

There are things that I simply will not allow myself to bargin about, and things that reasonably ought to be easy are hard again. But, why won't my "censor"let me answer the phone?

Beauty

I was deepin thought regarding a heftier matter when my mind flashed this ticker(marquee) across my mind, "Oh good grief! Not this again!" Instantly I had wonderful thoughts about our bodies and beauty.

Ok, this gets pretty deep, but try and.follow. I used to get all upset trying to understand why I would look like this, unlike any other woman. It isn't a matter of being unattractive or unfit. It is unwomanly. That lead me to think about God. Yeah, there is an awesome line in "Robin hood: Prince of Thieves" where Morgan Freeman's character says, "Allah delights in various colors."directly referring to race, but to me, the gangly, homely teen that I was. I wondered if I was alien or something, because I was so unlike anyone else. Then, I decided those boys in Dahlonega were right. I looked like a Beneton Model. I was so unique it was a rare thing like diamonds or gold esteemed for rarity.

But, tonight, I had a new delightful thought about it. I am a daughter of God and was created in his image. But, I was blessed with all of the abilities of a woman. I incubated and fed 5 children with this body and it has served my purposes,well. Now, I no longer have a uterus, so I do not have that bothersome monthly occurrance, nor any fear of an unexpected pregnancy. Then, I thought that maybe a woman's features differed from our Heavenly Father's in a sort of way to entice or appeal to men. This is touched on in Twilight where Vampires are given sparkling features to entice. But, darn it all to heck men started liking eachother anyway. Well, I am not as strong, harsh, or militant, but I definitely look more like a man than a woman.

Then I started thinking about cosmetics and surgery and how it will all backfire, if not in this life, in the next. We will no longer have makeup to make us pretty and I do not think we will retain any surgically accentuated parts. Our beauty must be in ourselves. It sounds like another rediculous scam, if you are not at the point to understand yet. But, don't stop or give up!

We are beautiful inherently. I thought this before on a blog and I only believe it more now. If we exist we have traits that were attractive enough to draw two people together. It is like survival of the fittest, and of you breathe, you own some of the fittest attributes, never ever doubt that.

I have always wanted to be.appreciated and loved, like I loved my exhusband, but I concluded that it was never going to happen for me, but I was wrong. It just hasn't happened yet. I figured that was just a trick used to deceive me, and it did not matter. But, it does. A very cool theory a friend had years ago regarding families was what he called "family repentance". Where each generation is sussively wiser. I believe that is true with our "beauty evolution."
No one,need ever tell us we are beautiful, and we definitely do not need any sort of product, we do not need a large number of adoring fans or have a popularity contest. Majority doesn't rule when it comes to beauty. We only need one total admirerer. And lovers are like occupations, we only need one to focus on, and if we love it we will never stop that job, if only in our hearts, it constantly continues.

Time to wash my hair. Not for beauty's sake, but for cleanliness!

Like I said...

I am a little slow to observe things, but efforts do not go wasted on me. Sometimes; however, I feel like John Nash in Beautiful Mind cause the things I see are likely not intended but are part of a huge super structure used to get me to follow suit (like the spiders on the last mimzy). I saw a pattern and I do not know if I should puzzle out some reason or meaning, or just say, "Oh, hey. What a nifty coincidence."

I am reminded of my previous explanation of this type of "communication". It was never intended for me. It was hidden so that others would not be aware, kinda like in a profile I made for a single's site years ago. There was a plain message, and the casual observer would read it and say, "yeah, typical. Cute. Next." But, if anyone dared to look closer, there was a code hidden in the text that gave contact information outside of the paid site, which was technically forbidden. But, I used to consider myself a smarty pants. I digress, I was commenting how most of the time I stumble upon these messages and recently learned that they were never intended for me, so I just pass info on wondering why I discovered it.

Role playing

It is because he considers himself so smart that I can play stupid.

My astronomy story

I took a class with a lab in astronomy at Ole Miss and I was soo extremely excited the night we were going to use the big observatory telescope. I honestly thought I would see something different. I remember asking to stay up late to see three planets in conjunction in Elkhart, IN. But, we were in the city and the lights probably effected my light bucket. I was amazed. It was so beautiful and interesting, but, most importantly I was allowed to be outside late at night, for scientific reasons.

My older brother was not the most responsible fella, and so I was given a lot of restrictions I wouldn't have had otherwise.

My favorite thing was to look at the moon, through my telescope, it was different. I could clearly see the surface of the moon and I mused about colonizing or even creating a planet/moon.

On to my story, I do not know what I expected to see differently, at the observatory we were looking at Orion, which I had seen and analyzed before. With baited breath I waited for my turn. It came, and I stepped up and peered through. I turned around and asked immediately if it was the right coordinates.

The moon appeared closer and in greater detail, fascinating and thrilling, but all I saw was a brighter sky with more stars everywhere. And I learned a very important lesson, as my young mind considered the cosmos. The moon reflected light but generated none, there were really so many more stars creating their own light only I needed more,power to even discern them.

We had heard that theory about a forest of trees and if the forrest ever ended we could see that clearing. It was an analogy for the universe that he has no end and any infintesimal degree, no matter the direction we would see a star. Now, I thought.this was important, but I didn't.comprehend it yet. But, that night at the observatory I did.

It can be likened to any experience. If we are looking for something great we will find it, but if we casually, and lightheartedly go through the motions we won't get as much from it, if anything at all.

How it ends

No one can rightly say how it all ends. It is possible, and I conceed that one,may guess rightly, but nothing is set in stone.

We all like finite things.

We think in terms that we can understand. A beginning and an end, and yet we teach that such ideas have no right to effect us. We neither begin nor end.

Though, even our eternal lives are full of smaller units called eras that can be defined.

But, tonight's viewing reminded,me that our expectations are just that. A good friend helped me more than he will ever know or suspect when he said, "life can change on a dime." My old Volvo SW suprised people because it looked like a tank, but handled very well. It could turn on a dime.

King David had to be depressed to eventually realize that his greed ruined his eternal life, it was never expected, or that his son by means of Urriah's wife would one day lead to such a regal bloodline!

What must happen will happen. When Jesus entered Jerusalem he was asked to calm his followers who shouted praises and tossed olive branches in his path. He just said something like, "what's the point. If I quiet them the rocks will call out." It is just one of many examples that prove the Lord will not have his plans frustrated.

Brain dump 3

Missionary who woke up deaf, he prayed for faith he was given a choice for surgery which might lead to loss of ballance.

It is common for kids to.do their own thing even when it is contrary to their parents.

Man that was sooo strong.

Lucifer, if he knew true love, he didn't value it.

When making a choice will it make us more free?

Because agency is ultimately more important.

Story in allowing bad things to happen for the sake of preserving agency.

We can feel the sorrow that God must feel when we must let people choose.

It is an opportunity to make a choice.

A man gave a talk at his wife's funeral and he read from the scriptures instead of speaking because he wanted to offer comfort.

What are you going to do next time? If we are going to choose different.

We make choices, we get to choose who to be with, they don't make our choices.

Time to choose will come and when we know...this lady chose the right, but felt alone figured out that choosing not to be evil.

When you choose wrong you limit your ability to choose.

As a primary child she could not discern between handsome or just the love of the Savior in his eyes.

Baptism opens a door that cannot be shut, rather the words were that no man can shut.

I am not very old, and I don't remember much, but we feel things.

Just like a reverence for sacred feelings. She talks about being in Wales where they dug out a pond for baptism.

Page 48 last paragraph, could receive blessing but it was too simple. Had the mind of God,made known unto him. When we exercise suffient faith, then those blessing will follow.

Sacrament is a choice we have the opportunity to be sort of rebaptized but we don't because it seems too simple.

When I am here I am overwhelmed with the idea that I need to be here, because it would be so easy for me to justify taking what I gained and leaving.

My question is why is it that we do the work, simple or not. Why do we assume things must be equal to the blessing?

The principle of the equal given, is baptism. "Where much is given, much is required." We have to be baptized to be able to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, but even then, it may not stay with us. Book that I read, "Search to Know our Lord" it was explained that just because we get that gift doesn't mean that we have become sufficiently "reborn". I want to write a book so that I can tell others the words that make up an idea worth having.

An argument for nature

I meant to use this time to write out my sentiments regarding our helplessness, but instead I mean to use my life as an example of why nature dominates and reigns supreme in character definition.

I am slowly becoming very much the same person I always was regardless of nuture. There are constants and things I "naturally" clung to when so much of who I thought defined me was destroyed and necessarily abandoned.

I got a do over, knowing what I knew, or did I? So much was lost for the time being, but as I slowly "recovered" I found myself trying to rebuild exactly what I had, so I think it was,my nature that still makes the same choices regardless of the nurture. I do not mean to discredit nurturing. It has as important a function. I have often heard people Thank God that they were raised in the gospel and that it made all of the difference to them. I have also heard those who were raised another way be referred to as "golden". So, my argument is as I see it that there is a great "what is" and those who have a nature to accept it will and will thrive.
I am drawn to great thoughts because I adore truth. I do not create them,  though.

I love great thoughts. The Latin root Ammer means to love and so I am rightly an amateur of brilliance, and too often am,mistaken as the author of such. Not so. It reminds me of an LDS authority who used other's stories as his own. His title was stripped from him. It left a huge impression. 1) Don't Christians teach forgive and forget? Everyone makes capital errors. 2) The truth must be highly graded and respected...could it be the unpardonable sin or denying the Holy Ghost to say untrue things? If this was so important to never misrepresent what you say, it really is the foundation,of all that we are. By we I,mean the Latter-day saints. As far as I've heard we are the only religion claiming to be the "True" Church. Though I've never heard any claim to be openly false either.

Uninteresting truth

Hopefully, once I type this, I can go to sleep.

For days, I have thought about a particular moment. I behaved fine, though a bit brashly. It was a few years ago. We were visiting Antelope Island, and it was both cold and dry. It was an enormous excercise to go across a seemingly sea of sage brush.

Ok, I have repeatedly fallen.asleep, and cannot remember what I had said, but reluctantly, Nick helped me to the water's edge, and let me touch it and then helped me back to the car. It was the sweetest thing in my life. I felt something like maybe that was like my life and though he was reluctant, he would help me do the things I deemed important.

It was like there was an invisible presence, comforting me and helping,me stand and reminding me that without Nick, I would not have had the strength to complete my quest.

Communication

Sure. I can use words, but not very well.

Brain dump 2

This is my unedited, or abridged notes from my meetings. I think this will be a regular thing that I will do.

Black sox dancers.

Line upon line, we can't instantly be prepared for things that we must do

You can't remember something you never learned.

It is important to be prepared.

Don't neglect perfecting the saints.

Food storage is likely as important as building the ark was to Noah.

We will wish we had food storage anywhere, even if it isn't ideal

If you pray you will be heard and things will happen.

Food storage is a lot like tithing.

Man, as a spirit, was begotten and born of heavenly parents and reared to maturity in the eternal mansions of the Father, prior to coming upon the earth in a temporal body. Joseph F Smith p. 335

This generation doesn't say "I can't". Making Sci-fi a reality.

Size of computers are huge, but they get smaller, but at least we know understanding things is possible.

Agency is important, What Heavenly parent would want to loose any children.

Every person has a story that is not visible to others.

We learn a lot more through our failures. That is our experience

It was always natural for me to do so many things. so learning is more of recognizing kinda like Gravity, Newton didn't create it. He discovered it.

We have to be ready to instruct children, must be a master of a thing to teach it.

Exertion means trying a bit harder.

We read with a purpose to improve.

The education of the spirit is worthy of our "best attention."

Try to figure out how the people learn.

It is of greater worth to learn things from the spirit.

That video about Brigham Young. Spirit confirms and teaches us the truth.

Learning things book smart worldly, we can learn the same things as another through the spirit.

Compare the differences between same people, based on how the things stick when we learn through the spirit.

Alexis's sister was a RS president and she knew it all.

A child learns the alphabet by repetition, we are children.

Both teacher and the learner need guidance of the spirit. This can be taught in the story I am writting.

It is easier to do something when we don't know what we are doing. We walk by faith. - just a random thought outside of class regarding not feeling worthy to work among such great people.- Really, what could I offer?

Tattoo your face

The big problem with all of this artificially chosen decisions crap is that machines can guess, even an eightball can be right from time to time, and if our minds or opinion stay the same and were required to stay the same (which goes against a fundamental right) then their conclusions would be acceptable, but as things are, these choices are made by a machine, incapable of thought.

I can see the helpfulness of having help remembering passwords or other redundant info. But, then we become dependant and forget, like the Rhett and Link song you'll have to hire a full-time password guy.

Maybe I have been raised too liberally because I believe my success comes from my fluidity of view. I can like one thing one day and the next it's opposite and no one would really mind. But, if I answer a question a certain way and it happens to be recorded online and ads and such are tailored according to that response, then I must be locked into that stance or any of those "brilliant" algorithms will be ill suited to me or guessing my preferences like they were set in stone.

It is like getting a tattoo on your face, once you've claimed an inadvertant prefence, you better not change your mind, computers are worse than elephants when...ewwww! Hang on!

Sorry, plot twist, totally unexpected. I hope no young minds took that in.

Somewhere all of your once preferences are recorded and sold. It left a rathar large impression on me when we returned to Michigan and I waa expecting to hear a sigh of, "It is so good to be home." Instead, I heard. It is so hard to come back when you have changed so much, but everyone tries to hold on to who you were.

"Without change something sleeps within us and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken."

The data mining that was intended to help us, is like that force that won't let us evolve, "Forgive and Forget".

Really quick, I want to add a thought that I just had. Every single advancement though it may have been intended for good, must be allowed to be used for ulterior purposes. It is Like laws, in any given situation they can be seen as limiting, but as our perception changes we understand how the law is very helpful.

Warning

I know the advice has been repetitively given, but it has,likewise been ignored, so I urgently beg you do not marry a seed. If you like what is possible, make it known and wait. Marrying a man and then changing him doesn't work.

I.sang the song, "Marry the man today, and change his ways tomorrow" too many times. It is true if you sing something it effects you, unless you start singing, "If I had a million dollars.." I tried. It didn't work, but it did change my perspective and placed money as a priority, so I turned it off. I believe I could have a million dollars if that was my aim. I got two beautiful babies instead. Anyone know a song about keeping our most prized possessions with us.forever?

Brain dump

Joy is different from happiness.

Holy Ghost sanctified us so that we can be in the presence of God which is necessary to achieve Exaltation.

Exaltation is the purpose of God for his children.

If it is the Lords purpose so we need to do what needs to be done here.

By doing the things to achieve exaltation we are purifying our beings to be prepared to live with and as gods.

Not as many differences in the word love.

Lady made comment about how rare love was in Japan so it overwhelmed someone when they come here.

Endure to the end, is there a big end?

We are all so different yet we are to think that he understands and was where we are.

As we just loved songs as we were younger, we didn't understand what they were about. But, so many songs lyrics are terrible and they get into our thoughts.

Our teacher did a thing because that was what his father did, but his mother didn't. Was it right or wrong.

Example.s

There are many roads to get to Fuji.

Comqncerns of children used to be so different. We were where they are and we can help them.

Concerns used to be external, and now it is our choices. (Which might be as difficult)

That zeal we feel beautiful and not critical at all. After conversion we could do anything.
It gives us hope.

1) scriptures are the key
3) Quentin Cook is beloved by Sister ? (Daughter of Monsoon) descendent of Heber C. Kimball. Can ye feel so now? We are at war and so are our children, but we need to have our hearts changed, and then we will not have any struggle what to do. New Years eve is a great time to consider if we can feel so now.

How is your spiritual immune system?

Our concern needs to be as important as our constant awareness of our physical bodies and tests.

Wage a war with things that get into our subconscious, just as,we would an actual person.

You loose spirituality gradually.

Increase our testimony and put us back where our faith required we be to grow.

The things that happen to bring us closer to something, there is a desire and following that there is a fulfillment, it would have to be supplied by a father in heaven.

Things would be impossible to endure without miracles.

As a,missionary we realized that our language is flawed. Everyone may say they believe in a God, but they are referring to something else. Discussions seemed to go well, but no conversion followed. Huh?

Brain's complexity suggests there is a God, Heavenly Father.

What are God's attributes.

A great way to get to know someone, ask how they know there is a God.

I had a hard time making friends growing up, but I definitely didn't believe because of peer pressure.

No pictures of God because Glory beyond explination.

We percieve good. Differently.

As a parent we want what is,best for our children.

Lorenzo snow saw in telling others gospel truths that they were nearly persuaded to believe Page 7

He knew the truth, it will never be earased from memory.

It is required to know what God wants you to do before we go.

No purse or script, was contrary to what he had known growing up.

Lorenzo was supposed to go help with a campaign. Joseph Smith as president of united states.

Plural marriage, called Celestial Marriage? Pg 17. Lorenzo Snow book.

Lord prepares the way. Waldenses. Depends on how we see things, mission didn't have a big haul, but those he did touch made a huge difference.

The daughter of Jacob Jensen was called back because we are not done. Like that documentary "Afterlife" only this is a LDS example that life after death is desirable. Page 30 of manual.

The children see more with spiritual eyes. So, their opinion is respected.

It's Time

Though my brain infection caused serious trouble and holes in the person I was building, With time and effort those holes can be repaired.

I have not ever said it, but now, I must. Of all of the things that just seemed to.slip away and I really couldn't do anything about, the one thing I thought I could repair,it was my chance or something, but it is the one thing I cannot mend and the past years all of my words and efforts have been towards that end.

I was completely in love, so much so that little else,mattered to me. This is what scared me. I was glad to be free because I was neglecting other things, the very things that I was so.upset about loosing, like running and piano. I had spent almost countless hours on those things. They were my choices. That was who I wanted to be, but then I fell in love an none of that mattered. So, I married someone with whom I wasn't so crazy about in hopes that I could rebuild me.

Now, I see it is futile. I loved to a point that could,never be matched and now I am looking for that one thing in hopes that maybe I could at least replace that.

Maybe, it is the atonement that "turns weaknesses into strength." Maybe, I was supposed to realize that my faith was unchanged and focus on building that. We are commanded to love God with all of our heart, might, and strength.

But, like "The Birthmark' I focused on the one thing I could not fix instead of what I could continue. I can still speak, write, and comprehend, that alone is an awesome gift!

What I intended; however, was not to preach, but to express the deep sadness dare I name it depression? from,my infection was not for what I could not do anymore, but the family that I lost. I have ignored it for the most part because I have a family again, but it is only a shadow of what I had.

I was reading that family is central to God's plan of happiness, and now I see exactly what that means, and it is time that I stop trying to make my new family into what I had.

Sadly, I lost, it is gone and irreplaceable. I still have the blueprints in my heart, and it hurts more than anything to give up and toss those plans out, which I should have done before.

I even have all of my children on a regular basis, but freely admit they are here because I prayed them here, but everytime I have them, my heart breaks all over when they leave, because they have to go. They belong with me, but they belong with their father, too.

Quotes

That's what parents do. They  put their children first. One day you'll understand.

What is it, dearie? Oh, no. Don't tell me. It is for you to tell yourself.

As long as you live in the past. You'll never find your future.

Why were you so miserable?
Because I never loved you.

Do not ever ask

It is best not to ask someone what they want because the best gifts are the ones you are not aware that you want.