I tried to resist...

But, I am not strong enough to remain silent when I read this little phrase, "...unknown to them..."tucked nicely into a phrase like taxes are hidden in a bill of legislation.

Most of the biggest killers are always called the silent ones because they are unknown.

We celebrate being aware, but being unaware must exist or there would be no distinction.

So as I read this I really tried to be unaware of the anger bubbling up in my mind and instead let it just pass through me, but you can see how successful I was.

Youth conference in 1992

Booneville, MS - so many countless things happened this year, a lot of them, deserving a full write up will not even get a mention because I am preoccupied with explaining one very strong thought.

It is not that I am not willing and so I must be badgered into writing about things. Somethings just come to my mind with no intent to leave until I do their bidding. Now, I am urgently bid to examine what I was supposed to learn from one facet of the game we played.

We played a game where we were given blank cards and at each booth we were to present our cards to see if we were qualified for the lesson. After completion, our cards were marked. In a sense this only allowed us one path. Classes only began and completed on a schedule so that no lolly gagging was allowed.

I was fortunate to figure everything out almost instantly. My parents had prepared a lesson and so that was a motivation to take classes when other leaders were trying their hardest to persuade us to not value our time or not even bother with classes. I knew that my parents would not do anything unless it was yhe best thing, so I trusted that their lesson was important and part of some game or test. We could even go inside. Uh, Mississippi in the summer? I thought marching band in Georgia in the summer was bad. Ole Miss band was hot andI do not mean Hawt... We all had the option to just go inside, have a bite, play video games or piano or something, but I instantly saw what was going on. I even accidentally, found the right order for classes.

I was being taught an alternative lesson that I wouldn't need until today. Curious? There's more, but I have things to more than appear to accomplish...brb

Stealing and fast tracking a friend's boyfriend and still ending up alone in the Celestial kingdom was significant, but, more importantly was the idea that there are levels of knowledge or degrees of clearance for wisdom. I just so happened to somehow get it right the first shot.

I cannot say this yet, so suffice it Mormonism is the truest church, though so many have truth. And the notion that you do not have to give up anything true is more than a notion, but it adds, if you have been prepared to move on, a simple check of your card will validate.

It is very much like going to the temple, we must meet certain requirements that demonstrate that we are at the right place in our lives to benefit. If you are not ready to obey laws like tithing or the word of wisdom than you are not ready to be burdened with the wisdom that comes from temple attendance. I was in a class where the best exanple was given for teaching children about sexuality, but it applies here. She told of a book "The Hiding Place" which basically taught that there are thingswhich are too heavy for us to carry right now and so it is not a punishment to hold back information but until you are ready it is better to not understand some things,

I could so easily get distracted here with all of the things *I* want to say. Like how it is that some children are lucky enough to start right out in the truest church. Most are rote taught and do not internalize truths and they do not receive as much from temple worship or even understand it. This upsets our Father in Heaven. He wants to be understood. He doesn't enjoy being a mystery.

Where much is given, much is required. This is just my truth of choice to sort of segue into my concluding thought. In Mormonism we learn that there are things which have not been revealed yet, like scriptures and such.

I believe there is more that encompasses Mormonism but such truths do not cancel or replace. One time it came to me like a picture of a ladder which must be climbed rung by rung. Every climb leads to a higher level, and none should be skipped. This was the lesson I got from youth conference, that we must do things in the proper order and nothing can prepare you sufficiently for the highest rungs besides Mormonism or maybe Judaism.

The ultimate truth is found in everything if you look for it. In a sense God is in everything. But, I was being more literal than flowery. The greatest doctrine of all is Love, which is to say it is God.
It is found in relationships and families and in service, like we are taught in Mormonism. And life requires that we share what we learn, and yet, I think there are things that cannot be shared, like the parable of the Ten Virgins.

Brain dump

We don't have to say we love others, but our actions show it.

Book about nurturing the soul is  to nurturing book about nurturing husband.

Most of the time we feel good when we give in and do what our nature doesn't want to do.

Idenity and purpose is the best way to combat failures.

The idea that we become like A creator is flawed. No building ever becomes an architect, or invention an inventor. But we have a direct spiritual lineage as OFFSPRING of God.

The outward facade of being perfect is not so. Everyone has similar struggles (I bet,that is why we all find similarities in media and love to be social and hate being alone)

Neal A. Maxwell's talk on souls ought to be studied. I like the thoughts it has produced. I wonder which ones I would have.

It is a blessing to limit the body, like fasting. We need to Yoke our bodies, not follow it.

When nephites try to take things into their own hands, they fail.

Are we thankful for the person we have become? What defines you?

Seemingly in meaningful meeting where someone was inspired to say something, and it ended up being an answer to the prayer.

No coincidences, we offer help as others do to.

Sometimes strangers might have the answer that we are looking for.

The more we obey promptings the more we get.

Compliments about how cute kids are even though they are very irreverent.

The time I was getting so upset at Joseph for licking me, and in retrospect it wouldn't have been worth my effort to try to correct it. Then he snapped me back by saying that I was sweet.

We think we are much more miserable than we are.

I was thanked for changing the hymn to one that was perfect. And it seemed like no big deal to me.

A lot of the time we never know that we are doing thing.

When we change our thoughts/attitudes we change our quality of life.

Just little nice things people say or do to us.

Name on the prayer roll a boyscout to serve a mission, he ended up serving Vancouver, CA mission. I'll have to look that up before I start to think about how that is a testimony to so many millions who were wondering if Prayers are really answered. In Seattle, I was told that God heard my prayer and that I would receive an answer. And So many times I was so prayed for.

God makes up for what people cannot do. The story of the youth in Kanasas, they had prayed and it was answred, but unless we were told.

God can and does take note of even tiniest little details.

Resolutions

It is high time I made some and wrote them down to cross reference any success. Who doesn't like lists?

1) throw away any unneeded stuff.

2) find a way to provide for myself.

3) take back over in shaping my body realizing that it won't be like the other supermodel types, it will be better.

4) this is the year I will run again! Dad gum it! Start with treadmill and Wii fit and incrementally, be able to run at the park, unaided.

Communication?

Uh, yeah right.

Nick says that it needs improvement, and before we got married or even met in person, he said that he was a good communicator.

He communicated that I should never assume that something he bought was mine. He left some flowers on the table on Valentine's Day and I assumed they were for Me, but he never said so, or gave them to me and so I have not tended to them besides keeping Mary from eating them.

reset

I feel myself getting dangerously close to the point where everything will be new to me. Mostly, I  I came to a break through conclusion and felt good about it. I had just repeated myself I did exactly as I would have making a do over pointless. Today, I came to my break through conclusion though, but like love, it passed, and now I am reconsidering the idea that love isn't really necessary. I am afraid of another reset. I do not relish loosing everything again, unless it is for a good, much better purpose that I cannot understand.

We actually do learn a lot from the things we do as parents, I am constantly given little lessons.
One was that children do not see the big picture like parents do. And I learn alot from repairing computers. There are times when no ammount of thinking or rigging is going to fix anything. A reset is the only way.

Joseph inherited an old computer of mine, that said "optimized for 98". I had an old version of WinXP so that he could use the internet to update codecs for his media player. But he wanted to play games that didn't fit on the hard drive. I wanted to dual install 98, but when I tried to repartition the drive, it would not install because of bad sectors. And I could not downgrade install the new operating system. If I formatted I would loose USB support which included the mouse.

I spent hours awake and asleep trying to work out a solution, but ultimately my only choice was to format and reinstall.

Found it!

Immortal Beloved - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A letter that endures and causes speculation for centuries. Who would have thought?

This may be the solution I was looking for.

Letters are like the way to immortalized a transcient flush.

Immortal beloved

I would love to get my hands on Beethoven's letter.

How petty of me...

I am having a little pitty party for myself, it seems petty to pitty myself, now I,need some putty to really play not only ON words. But silly putty transfers words from print quite nicely, too I might add.

Now, on to my purpose. I am always sad when my children leave, I try to pin the sadness on something, tonight I feel sad that no one I knew well came to my wedding reception. Sure, I understand, and it was the second time and I was just one of seven children, and I sorta ran away. But, tonight, I blame,my wretchedness on the lack of interest shown in me or my life. The same thing happened when I moved to WA, too. None of my family ever once visited me. My grandma sent me a package one year for Christmas though, and that really buoyed me up.

I am not ungrateful to Nick's family, but even to this day, they are HIS family, that isn't what I intended.
So, I know it is wrong and misdirected but, I am upset that something so important was made so trivial.

And it is the prophecy fufilled

The kids were playing Pokemon and trying to teach Joseph how, but Lena said, "He already knows how to do that. Last night he won every match for me." I was in the kitchen cleaning, making lunch & snacks and listening to music and the line/scene from Dune came to mind in answer, "He shall know his way as if born to them." It was in regard to a Still Suit, but I thought about how Joseph seems to just naturally be tech savvy.

Brain dump

A,number of people went to Utah state, the guy talked about two of his favorite apostles. Monsoon and Packer...

Fasting answers prayers.

Do not appear to fast.

Love is the greatest commandment."I love that scripture." It was funny to me.

If you feel HF isn't answering you, notice if you are caring for the needy around you.

Teach your children with scripture study then you will have the voice of authority and power.

God gave us tremendous blessings in creating our bodies and this earth.  We played a,cool game about how different body parts can be used for good.

Often we don't understand what is included like the guy on the cruise.

Parents and children. "But, you don't see it how I see it."

There are limits to what the spirit, which is part of Godhead, there always had to have been a choice so we must be allowed the choice, or we would never have been away from God.

Faith, is important, we still have the choice, but we get revelation, even knowing everything wouldn't have made a difference.

Even if we are on the edge, the Holy Ghost must be obeyed. (Ox in the mire?)

We are being taught things, they might be little things, like wear my coat or not. Big things like drugs are not the way to learn agency.

But, what if we are prompted to do.something that seems terribly wrong and seems to go against things we have been taught? We fear loosing future promptings, because the GIFT of the Holy Ghost is the greatest thing we can possibly have.

Music

Sometimes I have to turn everything off because I am getting too much information to handle.

I relisten and watch over and over because I enjoy the feeling that comes from inspiration. But, often true with music, what I understand and what was intended varies greatly. I love how the notion that having ideas fill my mind feels, but music changes and too often, it is just too perfect and could not be intended and it must be chance, no matter how much I enjoy it. It must be acknowledged that it is not as perfect as I see it, and no matter how many times we "share" it. It is unlikely it will ever be received as we felt it or intended. When I was young I just thought it was truth, and like a truth never goes bad, but it is like meat in a freezer, it is captured and stored in a perfect state to be used whenever we need it. Likewise, That was how I explained the success of the Bible and Shakespeare, art can sort of freeze dry ideas that are true and so can be applied regardless of current situation.

Too often, I felt embarrassed to admit that I understood things because surely such things were never intended, but my need to express took the shape of humor or a witty wink like, "I know, but I'll never say." It is like I see the same things as everyone else, so there cannot be any big cosmic joke hidden in plain sight, so winking is not very practical.

Eh, words failed to communicate what my real thought was. I guess I have not been given the go ahead or the talent to express the ideas, but I just get to recognize them. Originally, I used other sounds to say things for me.

I call it music, and I love it. Someday, I will sing it, but not today.

Taking a sabatical

Ha ha ha, how do the kids know it is Sunday? Everyone sleeps in until as Joe says that I scare everyone and wake them up.

I decided to walk today and never gave anyone a choice cause I actually enjoy my little walks with the kids. And there is no real impediment, but if there was it would only make it more memorable in years to come anyway. They would not likely remember the silly drive to church, whereas I know they will recall some significance to me forcing them up and out the door complaining all the way, hey!

I really do not recall the driving force that forced,me to comment something publically, sorry. Mary Anne is awake now! I love her little voice she is saying, "Wake up, kids! Gavin, Joe! Gavin! Lena, Gavin? Gavin?"She is just being silly. I can hear her walking around, too. I suppose it is irresponsible of me to not rush up there and save her. But, I like her to figure stuff out, That is exactly what she is doing right now. And no doubt the older girls are teaching her how to sleep in.

Coincidence?

Roses represent love, huh? Why's that? Beautiful while it lasts...

Look what love gave us...

Maybe this belongs as a video being as only the sentiment come to mind but with video clips I could use exact excerpts.

I decided that love was overrated. I have seen many couples, me included, who were in love but still fell to pieces. It is foolish to think love would somehow be the solution."..How can that be? Look what love gave us". But instantly something came to mind, a scene where Jeremy Irons says to his Jesuits who worry more about saving their lives. And really, if you are alive you still have agency and.power to actually accomplish something, but this character says something like this, "If that is true then, Love does not belong in this world. Neither do I."

So, I am back to this point. Love is needful to be an important part of the foundation that will support life forever.

Arranged marriage

I have long believed that an arranged,marriage should work. It is a choice and once made for whatever reason can be stuck with.

This morning, my example is Adam and Eve. Granted, they had a lot of difficult choices, but who to love was not one of them. Like it or not, they had no choice.

A lyric by Regina Specktor comes to mind from "On the Radio" "...and then we love the one we took." It is that simple. Why, if I understand this, is it so hard to put to practice?

Seriously, it is like me an the guitar. In theory I ought to be great. I know each string and how to produce each sound. But, I still.would never claim to be able to play it. It is like taking a language in school for over 3 years, but never actually spoken it. I would never declare that I was fluent, although my comprehension is there, the putting it to test is not.

We learn best through tests. I find that it is by making mistakes that I truly remember the answer. I heard it best like this: Even if the problem is so complex that we have worked on it for years, if the answer is wrong, continuing to work on it will not make anything right, we must start over.

When building the Salt Lake Temple. Great pains were taken and sacrifices made to cut out and secure the foundation. However, it was learned that the material only appeared suitable, but would not withstand the burden placed upon it. Regardless of the sacrafices made, it had to be started over. And the Temple still stands today, becoming another example of how things must endure and built accordingly.

Brain dump

It was great to hear from a boy who we fasted for, in his words, he was hurt bad.

Like a cow standing in tall grass I'm udderly tickeled.

Integrity. Talk

no coloring of facts.

It is,the defining part of our character. "They are true at all times..."

Sell soul for Wales. Richard Rich.

It might be hard to do over. Like SLC Temple, and CSLewis mentioned a complex,mathematical computation if it is wrong, continuing will,not matter.

Grades not Goodhood. Like trading birthright for pottage.

Your wife would rather you break that promise and keep your integrity.

Integrity makes choices with eternal regard.

Oil of conversion and lamp of testimony in parable of 10 virgins.

It is intriguing to me how unprompted sisters spoke of writing great moments of our testimony down to strengthen us later.

Adam and Eve were among our father's noblest children.

You were not alive with the tree, you could be.

Is this manual also considered scripture? Pg. 28 paragraph 1 last sentence.

Theory or knowledge is harder to live when asked to use it.

To jump we need to crouch first to get high.

I do blame Adam for weeds.

Lorenzo remained,faithful to his witness.

Testimony is like knowing something, but conversion is like the actual performance or practicing it when we get a chance, apply it.

Even to learn ABC might seem easy or natural but it required exertion.

If you know it's right, do it. Like it later.

Best way to teach kids is,help them to know when the spirit is telling them something.

Occasionally dipping your cucumber in brine won't pickle you. You must be immersed. Reminded of the pig being committed for breakfast opposed to chicken.

Stand on your own with what you have received.

What does practice do?

Though I practiced piano for hours on end I was Never perfect. I used to disagree and say practice makes Better and performance makes perfect.

This morning I was thinking about how much I loved so many ideas in theory, but that does not mean it was true. But, Now comes the time in life to put those theories into practice.

For instance, I have been taught that if I have a father in Heaven who will give me anything that is good, and so many people have born testimony, doesn't the majority prove something is true. Oh. I see. Things are only true if I agree with you. So, I will stick with absolute truths, because you are not with me all of the time.

(More later)

A significant value

I value choices, but it is two-sided. I also value accountability, and it is high time I show it.

I will no longer try to explain or rationalize what I am doing, though it does fascinate and entertain. The point is one explanation alone feels honest, though less comfortable. I am sure any court would have decided that I was insane, and I would have disagreed, so what. Doesn't every insane person feel justified in their own mind?

There is no other explanation for my behavior and actions. I did try to create a lovely spiderweb to catch all of the millions of little details that could no be easily understood.

But, as time passed, the division grew more pronounced between the correct choice and the choice that fit my story. Frankly, I am tired of trying to live and convince myself of a story, what simply is, must be enough.

When we do something wrong, even my children have been taught the correct answer, you repent. Part of that process is being and saying you are sorry. If you are really sorry then you "bury your weapons". I know that I have erred and.though technically, I was unaccountable, I still feel the effects as much as others had, even if it can be dismissed, the consequences can't and shouldn't be removed.

I value the great gift of making choices that has been given and by saying that I must also say that I appreciate being allowed to have the consequences even if they are hard, so that we may learn. I love to learn.

Discernable

There really should be enough of the same genius behind any great work that it overflows making the same mind discernable in other realms.

I am referring to any great artist. It stands to reason that a great mind would be,behind it. The same mind behind a well-loved book, for instance ought to say millions of quotable things, when not intended to dazzle. It just happens when you love how a mind works.

I wrote a poem recently about that referring to someone as a yarn carefully knitted thinking to hide their hue, but such would,be as fruitful as a child covering their eyes under a blanket so that you can't see them. Usually, you play along, but eventually a level of,maturity will be achieved so the babe knows undeniably that others can still discern their presence. Or they. Wear a mask, thinking that will keep them unnoticed.

Brain dump

Written By good and illustrated by mean. What if I name my child toilet?

It is true isn't it. When a gen authority asked if his family would be ok.

Creation, I hope that I didn't create mosquitos. If you did, you did good.

The order of creation was amazing. It was planned well, and we can sense intelligence.

McDonalds came on the 10th day.

Instruction manuals are manufacturer's opinion.

RS-------------
Mistakes can be overlooked, like the Book of Mormon, someone can always find fault that is why spirit speaks through our hearts.

Fear not, with God nothing will ... (Luke)
What are the fears
D & C lift up your hearts.

We can repent, growth and development, it is slow and a process.

Story by Brad Wilcox - music lessons paid for lesson, so she asks practice, but practice doesn't pay for anything. When a child makes a mistake don't quit it isn't worth it.

Atonement has been paid, so take advantage if it.

We can look back on our choices and be happy. How can we feel happy and worthy to be in God's prescience?

Often we are happier in our sins rather than go and do what we SHOULD.

DNC the Lord speaks to us directly. Like in new testament. Normally we read the words spoken to a prophet or the things of worth to a particular prophet.

Belated brain dump

If prosperity is riches and a reward for being righteous is prosperity then the kingdom of Heaven would be no different than the kingdom on Earth. God does not love and bless us because we are beautiful or rich. He especially does not love us because of what good we can do for him.

The incurable mental condition

I have it! Gladly, it occurred to me how it was very much like a celebrated schizophrenia to have a belief or hear voices. I always wanted to be schizophrenic, and it occurred to me that I have one step better. I have an incurable case of Mormonism. I believe, unshakably, that it is true and it makes me a better person and helps me deal responsibly and morally with any dilemma in my life. I get to pray to God and he tells me what to do. And I know that no matter how difficult I can do what I am asked.

The thing that tipped,me off was people asking me if I actually heard voices, and I don't in the medically schizo way, but, I do receive undeniable revelation, so in a sense, yes, I get information from a source I believe to be outside of,myself.