So, That's how it will be

This morning I was feeling a bit "blah" so I went to one of my goto places and BINGO! Where is this place you ask? Facebook, is the location. Wisdom that comes from family is the source. This is what I found:   Trying to get out of the mindset of "this is the way we have always done it" to " this is how it is going to be now" I did not choose my life to be the way it is now...but it is what it is and I am adjusting.
Gotta' love family. The reasons are limitless, but here I see why precisely because of the example that they set. Really, this morning I was trying to think of ways that I could help others and instead I found how I needed help.

Life changes on a dime. Change with it. Years ago a good friend of mine commented something similar only more sucinctly. She said that she needed to be like a willow. I thought it a beautiful way to put it. As a kid I loved the movie Dune, uh, I still love it, but Paul Atredis was fighting Fayed Harkonen(sting) who was wearing a poisoned blade around his waist, and Paul, thought or said, I cannot remember the detail, but the line was, "I will bend like a reed." and so he does and sort of flips Fayed around and wins the fight against what seem unsurmountable odds. This is what my aunt seemed in what she said above.

She really ought to be pittied and cared for, but she instead sets the example as how to deal with things when they change on you " this is how it is going to be now" I did not choose my life to be the way it is now...but it is what it is and I am adjusting. Interesting to consider what we actually did choose, because often, I have the mindset that is harder to overcome that I did actually choose it in a pre-existance, maybe I only recognized it, acceptance then does not change the need for recognition now.

You have to be careful saying things like that cause it sort of "tempts fate" So, will I really cope or sink? Well, I will have my opportunity to see what I am made of, soon enough. So will you. But, I have a rather unfair advantage, I have a constant "lifeline" with my Heavenly Father in the form of prayer so "come what may" he is right there and he is all powerful and such. It seems kinda' unfair, but you can believe if you want to... It is your choice.

ha ha ha I bet by the title that you assumed this would be another rant about my ex husband taking my kids just when I was adjusting to things, but with kids we expect change, it is harder to get set in your way when their life and awareness changes so completely and suddenly, maybe it is teaching us something... hmmm

Just part of being the perfect mom

I accept the fact that I am extremely normal, and at times that was what drove me crazy, wanting some attribuite to stand out, so I would persue talents that I thought would put me at last in the limelight, but now I finally see that it was my destiny to be so normal. Once my mother told me that most of the world wanted to look like me, I thought "What? Unidentifiable?" I am not too anything, not too pretty, not too smart, but now I see that I am exactly who my children ought to have as a mother, one who can blend in and is not ever noticed but silently doing things, like the lawn or pool cleaning guy, boy wouldn't we notice if we had to do those things ourself, uh, no. I do not have a pool, hjust thinking that a guy who cleans the pool diesn't really need anything other than to know how to clean a poopl and do so frequently and well. Well, I am a mommy and I do that well, not much else is required of me, so now that my "Me" life is over and it was never a big firework display or anything, I am glad that there is noithing I have to maintain or live up to. I am a mom, and appreciate being ordinary enough to just blend in until needed, then I don the super woman cape but I do not even need a phone booth cauyse no one even notices me anyway. I love it that way. That is all.

Memorial Day

My musings on this day started with thinking of the great sacrifice made by soldiers towards giving us the freedom and liberties we enjoy, but ends up...

I kept thinking of Jesus Christ who even in death was teaching us how it ought to have been done.

He suffered and died, as brutally as any soldier to give all who ever lived a chance for liberty. And though, I feel in sort of encroahes on the day set asside to honor soldiers who in a easy to know how way gave all they had because they believed we were worth it.

I oftentimes find myself asking what would Have been able to say to offer comfort or encouragement as did the angel who strengthened our savior who cried out in Gasthemene. What could be offered more than what he already knew or what could be reminded to help him endure, so, because it is memorial day I wonder what is said to bolster the men so that they are willing to give their lives for us?

My story (longest version)

Preface: First off, I must confess that I am not a great story teller, though I have many skills, telling stories is not one of them, but it is like the paraplegic who learned to use her legs to do the same things others do with their arms. I hope my skill in other areas will compensate, if that is even possible. Secondly, I want to be sure that the reader has this "preface" I am not a saint deserving of emulation. I have learned alot and try to compensate for my wrongs, this story might be hard to stick with what actually happened, like most histories. I am tempted to tell an edited version of more what ought to have been, but because I believe mistakes can be atoned for and I do actually see my choices as having been horrendously wrong, I will leave any lesson or correction up to you.



     Let us start at the very basics, which I realized I had actually left out initially. My name is Melissa Dawn Babcock - Holden and I am currently 38 years old. I used to consider myself too old to matter at 30, but subsequently have figured out that I still have majority of my life yet to live. I am the mother of 5 children: Sarah Lena Brawner (10), Brooksie Lane Brawner (9), Charles Gavin Brawner (almost 8), Joseph Alexander Holden (3), and Mary Anne Holden (2). When I was visiting my Grandmother in Sandusky, MI, Where I was born, I found a journal on an coffee table and read it. It was an account of Elizabeth Gray - McGregor who became the mother of 14. At the age of 32 or 34 I cannot recall, but she had her 4th child and felt overwhelmed and too old for more. I giggle because as a child I told My mother and her mother that I intended to have 12 children and name them after the 12 tribes of Israel. Kids say the darndest things!

       Now, I will start my episodes by telling the story, though I will lack my father's dramatic telling of it, of how my parents met and joined the church. My mother actually hated my dad, but their mothers were friends and my mom was accompanying her mother as she got her hair done at my father's house. My dad walked in and as he tells it he heard music and saw an aura of light around my mother. I read mom's journals though and she felt no such thing in return. He was an arogant, skinny, trumpet guy who was so full of himself though obviously talented. My dad hid behind a chair to hide his manure covered trowsers (Evidence of his evening chores). I can only imagine she smelled them, too, oh! wait, my mother has no sense of smell whatsoever.

      He was in a grade higher than her. She was the cheerleading, foreign exchange student type, on every single page of the year book. My parents were not destined to ever cross paths, but wait how did I come about? Ok, they had debate and band together, which ended up enough in common. They started dating. My mother's parents disaproved, but then he left for college, in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, and they broke up. But, a year without him, my mother realized that she actually loved him, so they got married.

       Ok, but how did they end up Mormon? Isn't that a Utah religion for extremists? Well, dad recalled the mention of Mormons in grade school. Something about some crickets destroying crops and then a mass of Seagulls came and gobbled them up. But, the step that started the whole thing is my dad's time in basic training in Lousiana. He noticed these guys who worked harder than everyone else but then refused the usual reward of smoking. His curiosity got to him and he asked them what was up. They were returned missionaries for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It seemed very odd to him. He thought Mormons were a thing of fairytales in old school books. Imagine his suprise when magically, two more missionaries somehow showed up on his doorstep. He invited them in and explained that it was a fabulous coincidence he had just met some of the most amazing men who were also Mormons and It really challenged what he thought. He thought that all Mormons lived in Utah.

      So, my parents were rock musicians in the 60's their life style was not really "Mormon" material. But, they were interested and my older brother was on the way, so they liked to think seriously about the meaning of life. When they took discussions to learn more of the Church's doctrine. They would quickly put all of the ash trays and empty bottles away when their Mormon guests visited. My mother abhors hypocrisy so after the missionaries left one time, she said that they needed to either make a comitment to life style change or tell the missionaries to go away. They considered things. Then, they told the missionaries to go away. I do not know what role things played into this choice, but I had heard that my mother's parents threatened to disown her if she associated with that cult. This is comming from well-read Bible scholars, too. My best childhood friend's mother was my grandmother's Methodist preacher, by the way. Being disowned could have been a significant consideration. Though the Bible tells that Christ did not come to unite families, but that we ought to cleave unto our spouse and in so doing we might actually loose family ties. This was significant to me when I got sealed* to my first husband but his family could not attend.

      So, as the story goes the missionaries came back, and the rest is my parent's story. It is about how they struggled because they lost social standing. And their story creates a legacy as they were sealed in the temple and what it means to them and us. It gives us considerable peace of mind and strength to know that no matter what happens we will be together as a unit forever because of what they did. Also, how I was actually the first child born "under the covenant", as we say. Now, is the story of how I ended up In Utah.

      I went out to eat with my husband at a Cracker Barrel in Lebanon, TN to celebrate something. We left our baby girls (Sarah Lena & Brooksie Lane) with his mother. I got very sick and excused myself to the rest room. After throwing up others in the restroom asked what I had. They said that they would avoid it. They really were wanting to blame my illness on the food. But, I was prone to throwing up for no apparent reason like I had one afternoon in my dad's car going to a temple to do ordinances for all of our ancestors.  My father canceled things believing that I was sick and unwilling to admit it. Anyway. My husband (Brandall) and I went to pick up the girls and my mother-in-law suggested that I might be pregnant. But, I had just miscarried the second time only days earlier, so that was unlikely, I thought impossible. As time passed my health worsened dramatically, an U/S confirmed that I was infact pregnant though. I was given perscriptions for my maladies, but none worked. I just assumed it was due to the pregnancy, but I was having severe vertigo and my husband then refused to let me use the stairs and made a bed for me. The children were taken because I could not care for them. Even a glass of water caused me to vomit. So, I got too dehydrated and was taken to the hospital where I was given an IV and felt so much better that we actually went to a nearby Sonic so that I could do what I hadn't in a long time -- EAT.

      My screaming about my vertigo was not improved by the drugs though. It was not an inner ear trouble after all, but a swelling brain. Laying down caused pressure which made me feel the same feeling you get on a rollercoaster at the first drop, so I was taken to the hospital again, and was given several MRIs. The doctors were cautious though because they did not want to do anything because they feared harming my unborn child. The doctors perscribed more drugs most of which I cannot recall the name of, though the ones given were antidepressants, which seemed unhelpful. They were more of something the big pharmaceutical companies paid kick backs to doctors for perscribing. My son was actually thus born with a hole in his heart (left ventricle) attributed to those drugs, it is an ongoing concern for him.

      Ok, I spilled the beans that I had the boy and that he has survived fine, so you know the end of that story already, or do you? The local hospital felt ill-equipped to tend to my needs and so they sent me via ambulance headed to Nashville, TN to Vanderbilt Medical Center. This was mid-June, and I was due at the end of July. A nuerologist at the first hospital told my family that he thought my brain abnormalities were easily explained and perfectly normal, but the fact remained that I was getting worse and worse. I had another MRI where it was determined that I was developing lessions on my brain and that I definately had Encephilitis. So, the first step towards realizing that I infact had a legit problem was made.

      I was in and out of actual awareness and out of fear that it could cause my unborn child harm, a c-section was needed. I do not remember anything real except for what I am told by others at this point. I have very odd memories that seem irrelevant. I was not getting better even after the child was "taken" like I said my memories of this time period are of no use and are totally incomprehensible to me anyway. So, I will skip over this part. Several teams of doctors were trying to figure out how to help me.

      The team of Infectious disease doctors lead by Pinky Gaba, I am not sure of the spelling, decided that waiting to positively identify the pathogen might take longer than the time I had left, so I was given a PIC line which was later used to administer drugs at home, through a drip IV. This PIC line was a tube placed in my arm leading directly to my Aorta to allow swift internal administration of the drug. I was not keen on this proceedure, but saw how it was needed because I ripped out too many IV's and my arms were severely bruised leaving no more places to place a needle. The drug, amphotericin B was explained to me as being able to kill any and all infection in my body, there was a possible side effect that it would kill me, too though. But, that chance was marginal and unlikely due to my age and health. I must insert a plug for my beliefs. It was commented by several doctors how rare it was to find such a "perfect specimen" because I had taken such good care of myself. This was required by my church A.K.A the word of wisdom which forbids the use of drugs or Alchohol. Once again I see looking back how just doing the things asked and not needing to understand why is so important. I did have a severe reaction to this drug so it was decided that I take benadryll with it. I almost instantly recovered. And due to my healthy condition, I did survive without a needed Autopsy to determine the cause, which was needed in every previous similar case.

      I believe that it was because the sheer volume of prayers in my behalf that I recovered so quickly. No one ever figured out how the infection was contracted anyway, but it was identified eventually as being Histoplasmosis: A fungus that is commonly seen in those who work with chickens though out Tenessee and Kentucky. It lived in my lungs with no obvious side-effects. Then, I became pregnant and it is supposed that my immune system shut down to protect the child and the infection became "displaced" as they call it. It found a new residence in my Central Nervous System effecting everything from balance, speech, sight, etc. It ended up I was paralyzed, by brain damage, on my entire left side, which happens commonly to stroke patients. It is called Hemi-paralisis. Quick plug again. I am so glad that I did what I was expected to opposed to what is common. I am alive today because of my obedience which resulted in such great health.

       I was not yet out of the water. I remember being so kindly allowed to see my newborn son. I was wheeled to the place he was being kept, though I was forbidden to hold him. This is the point I can remember things well. I was given Physical therapy, Occupational therapy, and Speech therapy, because it was a concern that the apathy of being bed ridden for months would attribute to my inability to walk or talk. I learned to eat again though I had to be told what I did or did not like because my husband noted that I was eating things that I previously disliked. The doctors performed a brain biopsy to determine that my infection was actually gone and I had to give them permission to use my spinal fluid for research, too. I became part of some encephilitis study.

       I was fitted for a wheel chair and walker and sent to my orginal hospital. I stayed there until August 10th. Then I got Home health care and occassional doctor visits and spinal taps, until it was determined that I was fine. This part doesn't make sense, but it is crucial. Brandall had to work full time and I was made to feel like such a burden, so my mother came to stay with me. I had a few accidents when she was not around, but my neighbors heard and came to my aide. My neighbor had small children the ages of my kids. She was my assigned Visiting Teacher, too and once I got enough strength I started walking with her. Her husband was my husband's long time best friend, too.

       I felt bad being a burden and wanted to help so I tried to escape any way I could. I was always caught, and then felt horrible for even trying to run away. That would be another stress for my husband to deal with. I did lots of things, like say that I was going to just kill myself, and I told him that I overdosed on Tylenol. A doctor ran blood tests and told me that it appeared that I would be fine and that I was fortunate because it would be a terribly painful way to die. I went to the Emergency room and was sent to a Mood Disorder Hospital. I figured this would be a nice break for my husband. But, I was told by others that this hospital was actually more of a prison, I could never leave. I learned alot from my time there though. Most importantly, I was assigned a social worker and a lawyer because I was forced to be in this hospital against my wishes, and it was clear to others that I was sane.

      I must say this here. I agree with the comments someone else made about how crazy people never think they are crazy. And so, the things that follow sound terrible, and they really were. I would like to blame everything on insanity, but though it seems insane to me now, at the time, my every action seemed sensible. Plus, when asked things like "Do you hear voices?" I knew the answers and figured everyone did. What sort of question was that anyway? It was like the question with a yes or no option that asks "Do all people lie?"

          During my stay at the hospital, a social worker wanted to call Brandall in to discuss my sincere wish to have us all be home for Christmas. He agreed and so we decided though the kids had been staying at their grandmother's house they would be coming home with us after our little Christmas party. It was still decided that I was not allowed to hold the fragile baby though. Urrrgh! Sometime or another I gave him the name of Charles though my husband decided on Gavin, so we call him Gavin, but his legal name is Charles Gavin. My husband tried to divorce me, I did not want this, but he told me what to do. I trusted him, and I agreed and signed. Later a court decided that it was not properly done and must be thrown out. At this point we were seperated. I was living in Mississippi with my mother and still visiting doctors ocassionally to get spinal taps or other mental help. It was decided that I was depressed, though I doubted it, I went along because others assumed that depression would only be natural given the things I endured.

      It seems like more time passed than actually did and I cannot actually pinpoint when things happened but I was living with my parents and we went to stay with my older brother to help out when his third child was born. I actually premeditated this wrong, and it really hurts me to admit it, but I got to know my mother's routine and figured that she had alot of money. It was money that would rescue my existance, or so I believed. It was this belief that persuaded me to try to get Government SSI Disability as I could no longer work, and I absolutely hated being a dependant.  I stole my mother's credit card. The reason this is so terrible is because she is so loving and would have given her very life to help me, and how did I repay this kindness? By stealing from her and then lying about it. I was seeing a psychologist and he was trying to help me, too but even confidentially I would not admit to it and so I was given the title of Sociopath. Even my mother could not understand this behavior as it was entirely out of my character.

      I do not know what really happened with that situation if I actually tried to buy something or just stole the card. I cannot remember anything but the guilt. Whether or not I did actually spend any money is not the issue. I decided, after making several lists that I needed to move out. So, I moved to Memphis, TN, and was trying to get employment. But, what I did is terrible. My prepaid cell phone needed more minutes so I decided to pay for unlimited nights and weekends. I did not have enough money though, so while my bestfriend's sister was at work (also my roomate) I found her credit card and though I had a voice telling me that it was wrong I ignored it, because I was obsessed with the idea that the only way to return to any salvagable life I needed to get remarried which required talking to guys on my cell phone.

      Silly are the rationalizations that attempt to make our wrongs seem right. Though, at the time they do not seem like rationalizations, they are. No matter what we endure there are things that are right and wrong and we know what is right and wrong and must do them. I used to get mad at others for trying to take my choices away, but maybe that would have been the best solution. I will not deny that I did not like her sister. Several things that she did offended me which allowed me to feel justified for using her credit card. But, my friend discreetly called my mother and said that I was not ready to be on my own and told her what I had done and that I needed to go home. I returned home, but was still communicating to several guys that I had met online from using her computer.

      This next time period is rather fateful, I met Nick, who is my husband now. He came to visit me, and I hated him and could not wait for him to leave, but for some reason, I continued to talk regularly to him on the phone. I do not know how we planned this scheme, but while my father was speaking at church, I dismissed myself to go to the bathroom and phoned Nick telling him that I was standing outside. He had flown to TN, and came and got me and we took off. Funny story is how I bumped into my Dad in Las Vegas on a lay-over, he was going to CA, Work related.

     I moved to Utah, but I was not having much luck at finding a job, though I told Brandall an the kids that I was sure that I would and I lied to my parents so they would not worry, and told them that I was employed. At one point, after a job interview I went to lunch with Nick's father who asked me why I was still wearing my wedding ring. It was assumed that I was divorced and without children. I explained that I was only seperated though my husband wanted a divorce. I was living with a family, in Layton, with 6 kids though and all the while attending church with them and Nick always attended with us, her kids even asked if when I married Nick would I adopt them. lol. Kids are a bit like insane people, they think they know what they are saying/doing, but they do not have a clue.

      Those kids were his charachter reference though. He claimed that kids liked him, and I was not able to think clearly, so I figured if the kids liked him, so would I. I trusted their inocent perception of him. I supposed my heart saw the same thing they did, though, mentally I disaprove.

     Months passed and I still had no job and felt like I was entirely a nusaince, though the family would be horrified to know that I felt that way. Nick found an apartment for me, well, us. I didn't really agree with the idea, but again we can see looking back what I should have done, but I was just trying to survive and all attempts were failing, plus, I moved out here with the purpose of marrying him anyway. Again, I rationalized so many things that I know now are wrong, but convinced myself that living together was natural and acceptable. Looking back, that just seems insane, it may be acceptable to some but not me. I had started the process on getting a noncontested divorce, and well, you guess it. I got pregnant, so I told Nick as soon as I got word that my divorce was final that we needed to get married. So we did, and it seemed like that was the only reason I agreed to the divorce, because I read on a website how a woman ought to marry the father of her children especially if he is willing. So, I got divorced to get married, to survive and provide a good proper life for my unborn child. Again, I point out now, while I am ignorant of any effect, I was obedient to what was best although It was not what I wanted.

         Joseph was born via c-section and had loving parents, and I fully believed that Nick would see his dad having to bless** the baby and decide that he needed to do the same. So, I was anxious to have another child assuming 9 months would be enough time to repent or do whatever he had to do. I underwent a severe ummm, depression, it was a sorrow for all I had done and I denied myself the sacrament and felt unworthy so I stopped attending church. It is this time when I realized how much I had that I gave up and really didn't know if it was worth what I gained. I missed my children, and even the dreaded Sunday's teaching my cute little CTR class or making a complete fool of myself trying to play the piano in Primary. I truly felt the sort of thing I had read about where you miss the things you thought you hated, and I learned that it is exactly the times that you feel the most unworthy that you need forgiveness most of all. I wanted to go back to church as my start, we were in a new ward and no one knew that Joseph was born too soon after we were married. It was alot like Jean Valjean starting a new life in a new town.

     I was most glad, above all else, that people were interested in finding out about me. The details of who I had been or done just never came up. It seems evasive, but it was really a way that allowed change and forgivness to take place.

     But the drama is still not over, remember that baby boy? Well, I missed him so much, as well as my other children to the point that no other happiness mattered to me. All I could think to do was pray. That is what I did. My ex husband got remarried to a Utah girl and moved out here with the children, so I got to spend every other weekend with them, and weeks in the summer.   The children and I joked about the fact that I prayed them to Utah. Then fatefully, my ex husband announced that he was getting a divorce and moving back to TN. I watched the kids while he, oh yeah, he also lost his job, which he found through his new wife. He was job searching again, but still planned the alternative of just moving back home. So, I did not want him to cancel out all of my happiness again! I prayed, not asking for anything specific, just that I would not be seperated from my kids again. And he ended up staying!

     Fast forward a few years, My ex husband has decided to move back to Tennessee again citing that the children needed to be with their grandmother. I agreed. And I struggled very long not knowing what to do, but finally I decided to stay because we need to cling to what we know, and I did know that even if it was not what I wanted, I was intended to be here, and it was no small price. Like the movie "17 Miracles" I do not want it to have been for nothing. After I decided to stay several things occurred to signify that I had chosen what was best though not what I wanted. It was good and noted. I  really wanted all of my family to be together though. I still do. I was able to see a few things that suggest that eventually the kids will be back here, I only need to exercise patience and obey what I do not understand or even want, because things will work out and I will see that compared to the fate of choosing what I wanted RIGHT NOW! the reward of doing what God values most far out weighs. Just visualize a great big scale and remember that the thing you want Right Now can not even tip the scale of blessings for you if you choose what is best.

      My own mother always describes things best so that I can understand and she said, "Well, you know, sometimes we do not see why or how things are working out until we look back."

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*a sealing is a ceremony performed in an LDS Temple where the power of God is used by certain individuals who are given the authority to seal things on earth in a way that they are still in force for all eternity.

**When a child is born, a worthy priesthood holder blesses the child giving it a name to be known on the church records. Mormons do not Baptize infants because it is not believed that they are accountable for their own choices yet.

I wish I could see it

I was just fighting with Mary at church yesterday cause she wanted to go find Daddy and Joe who went to get a drink or something. And the preteen girl sitting in front of me was watching. She reminded me of Lena.

I would have thought maybe she was a pal of Lena, but she was just visiting with her grandparents, I think.

I do not know how people do it, but I was really feeling concious about my hair cause I took out my barettes to put in Mary Anne's unruly hair.

Plus, as I half listened to the words spoke from the pulpit, "If we see a mother struggling with her children, have compassion..."

Finally, the girl whispered, "What is your name?" So, I was a bit confused, surely she was asking about Mary's name cause Lena and her friends are always very interested in Mary. Plus, Mary kept saying, "Hi." Then, giving her charming smile. So, I asked, "Her?  or me?" She said, "You."

I told her my name and then Mary, I thought crud! I ought to have asked her name. Then she told me, "I really like your bangs!" I wonder what she saw, they must look worse than I thought, crud, even the kids learn what to say, and I still do not know. But, people seem to know when to compliment cause they always do.so when I am at my worst. The same is true with performances, etc. It almost makes me think that they honestly see something different than I do.

Let me finish this part by saying that Mary asked if she could go sit with the girl, and I let her. She kept trying to make Elmo and Pluto kiss her new friend. She was really well behaved though, it was a very huge relief, maybe even a miracle. I never suspected it would happen that way, but I just knew something could and would be done to teach Mary that Leaving the room isn't how we deal with things, though she prefers it right now.

Then something really odd happened. In class I saw a pair of shoes that I really liked, they were a much newer, cooler, version of,mine. Basically. When comparing every shoe it was very much like mine whereas I was always embarrassed about mine, but, then, I overheard another woman say how much she loved those shoes. Then seeing how similar they were to mine, I felt as good as if she had complimented my shoes. Now, this could not assumed that she really meant to compliment my shoes because this morning I thought how ugly they were and almost didn't wear them. But, even still I wore them and a lady with very similar shoes was complimented, so others actually liked,my shoes, too.

Most people, me included, do not comment about the things that we like, though we think, I really like that!

Brain Dump - partial

High priests in Cherry Lane Ward If you lay all those who had fallen asleep in a line, they would be more comfortable.

Parents are happy when they live as is in their means.

Discipline includes labor. Work is important for teaching discipline.

Interesting to consider the weaknesses that cannot be fixed are intended for others.

If you do not have disobedient children, just wait.

"When a Child Wanders" by Miller, but consider you son openly seeking to destroy the church.

Alma likely considered

How can I be leader of the church when my own son has been an embarrassment. Like how could he teach or expect parents to raise their children properly.

Never give up, the lord does save his sheep.

Would we study and learn if we did not believe we could obtain wisdom and knowledge?

Would we work each day if we did not hope that by doing so we could accomplish something?

Would a farmer plant if he did not expect to harvest? Each day we act upon things we hope for when we cannot see the end result. This is faith.

How well do we follow a plan for us?

Parallel between the seed of faith, and a child.

Our faith requires gradual improvement just like our muscles need to be developed.

What are things you act upon each day that you cannot see the end results of?

How does faith move you to action?

Spirit prompted "eat his toes".

We do not need to know things, but if we obey he will make everything alright.

Doing dishes when he was inspired that you just follow your leaders, because you do not know.

You do not really know things until you try it. Like with prayers, you just believe that you are being heard.

Faith in that there is something...

You do not get to the other side of the river unless you push off. Lectures of Faith, Aurora Leigh.

Christopher  Columbus wanted to know about his name. Then, he wanted to know Christ better, so he helped others cross the river.

We are a part of the Lord, so to know him, we must know and believe in ourselves.

We never know who we are touching through our actions.

He works at a hotdog place, that was the best place I ever worked and influenced others and was most joyous serving others.

Lord will bless us as is best if we trust him enough to do his will.

Our job is to trust him.

Jesus will help us to be who we want to be.

Stake conference 1st week of June.

Encourage marriage.

Saints feel assurance because God has given it to us.

How can we share what we have? Funeral talks.

By going to the temple we receive strength and get blessings, peace of mind, sets a good example.

An eternal commitment. It doesn't end, and we are examples.

Daughters want to have what their parents have.

It is beautiful.

Do not do temple work, for people, because they already had it.

We can lead people but we cannot make them drink.

Set the example, others already want to emulate what they have, talked a lot about woman bloggers that are LDS.

People want to know what they see and feel. They want to believe.

Talked about Elder Clayton's talk, how our relationships are fiercely loyal.

See and do.

It, marriage, is not ideal, but it can be.

Do not be discouraged.

Head must have light and such, salvation was in his hands, a quote from lesson.

Home provides a lesson for life.

It is not enough to just do celestial things. But we must live Celestial things.

Do not take short cuts!! Little things will be big things later.

This is not our work. We are not alone, he is concerned, and will help us create those homes and he has given us the sacred responsibility.

Home is the new MTC.

We prepare the next generation. I suppose that the home can prepare as well as the MTC.

My favorite book

By Richard Restak, M.D., best selling author of The Brain.

When to make mistakes

It is always better to make mistakes before the consequences get too severe.

Heavenly Father loves me, and as a parent, I do actually know that. Accordingly, I try to be just, as far as I know. God is all knowing. He will and can intervene if needed, like if I truly made a mistake and truly am blameless. My job is to accept the consequences for my choices, even when they are wrong and not repeat them.

In a parenting class, I marveled at the wisdom shared. It suggested that we give responsibility and then hope for failure. Huh? It really makes sense. Home is not a place where nothing bad happens ever, and mommy's job is not to take all of the responsibility though that is exactly what Jesus does for us, huh?

Here is a great story someone told in class: A teenage boy decided to go slash tires with his buddies. After the first car, it was sort of addictive and he let the air out in a like manner of many vehicles, which was great fun. He only saw the hiss and the excitement part of the consequences. Several, could not use their cars to get to work in the morning, etc. His father found out what he had done, and confronted the boy with all of the damage his choices had done. The boy felt very sorry, but so what, eh? He went to each home with his father and apologized and his father paid for any damages. So, the boy could not actually pay, but his father set right all of the problems his son created, cause he could afford to. That is how I see our Father in Heaven. I feel very sorry for things I had done, but what good does that do? It does me good to realize that I cannot restitute some things, but Heavenly Father can and will if it is necessary.

In Downton Abbey one person was given that insight and it was shared with others like this, "I don't think you need my forgiveness." On the surface, I thought, he did not blame her so he had no reason to forgive her, and that is pretty on it's own.

But there are consequences that though she wants to face the error and fix the mistake,he realizes that he is not the one who could restitute by way of his forgiveness in this situation.

What's your secret?

This photo is for everyone who asks me, "What's your secret?" Well, honestly no one ever asks, but for comedy's sake we'll suppose they do. Here it is:

A few things I figured out

1) I can use my talent for knitting and crochet for making things for those who would appreciate or need them, as I make them.

2) Rather than selfishly working miracles in my life, I will truly be happier helping others. By realizing my dream is to make dreams come true for others, I will be happiest and that is why we are alive.

3) We will be taking daily naps.

Just a random thought

I thought this was facebook appropriate it was the mental mash up of this song:

 

and this photo:

 

      My thought is that unless there was intervention the two paralell lines would remain similar but apart forever, and only admire eachother. But, such intervention seems like it might put the universe out of whack or something. uh, maybe it would if their paths were just crossed once assuming they remained lines, but if the lines just become the same line only one is lost, but it is no huge loss, it is only absorbed into the other making it diverse yet similar in one, cool to think about. I love Geometry. Strangely, my husband hates it and trajectories and such, but I like geometry because it explains true principles in a way that can be understood, but the truths are too complex or hard to explain in life. And I get all offended feeling like it is some affront and by disliking geometry he is disliking truth or something. ha ha ha. Enough internet for me, today.

 

I'll explain what I lament like this: I respect such a straight and immovable line because I am so maleable, but consider myself a line, too. Well, Path's were crossed, but they are not even conguent. It was wisel said to me that two needed to be on the same page, so I knew that something had to change or we would just contine to increase in distance from one another. Maybe our mortal lives really can be explained by lines we are but segments and segments work in the arrangement of a marriage with three parts forming a triangle. As the two approach that "Point" they will be closer together:

This is an image representing the marraige covenant.

     But, if they never cease this explination does not continue, the will meet as the point they are at becomes closer and closer through drawing closer to God, but they will grow farther apart after the point is reached and that is sad, so perhaps my husband is right in not liking geometry, or I am choosing it to misrepresent a principle.

 

Pray for your enemies

It makes sense.

You just have to know that Jesus was the voice of God to be so young and think of that. Rightly, he acknowledged that his word came from his father.

I was thinking about how our family and friends are so nice to be around because they are biased they tell us what we crave to hear, but how much better would it be if our enemies told us that we were smart, or talented or something.

I wonder if success comes from trying to please our enemies.

Mother says so

Just because your mother says so doesn't make it true. She is biased, remember.

http://youtu.be/TD7kT3AQNZA

Brain dump

If you run over your toes with the lawnmower don't come running to me.

You were made for difficult things.

If your children dont call today they will.
If we are the only women on earth that revere motherhood, we still will.

We are never given a task without an ability.

In lieu of time I will be cutting out my 5 minute joke and I apologize cause I was told to start a talk with a joke.

Children and mothers are suited for eachother.

2 year old called his mother's slippers were superhero shoes and her robe is called a princess dress.

Joy comes in moments, and it passes.

April 2008 Ballard

To him that knows it is a sin and then doeth it. It is a sin.

Mature Nephi let's us see his heart in the admitting of his flaws.

faults beset us, but we believe in Christ and will be able to overcome.

No other man could,have dealt with the things that Jesus endured.

The more mature you feel, spiritually. The less you will sin because of desire to do good, and the desire to know how.

The Bishop has more respect for you if you confess a sin. Though you might think you will be esteemed less.

Repentence
1) recognise
2) remorse
3) forsake
4) confess
5) restitute
6) forgive
7) keep the commandments

Jesus says turn the other cheek, but he only has 2 cheeks. Then is where forsaking must be part of it.

Sins slow our spiritual progression and can even stop it.

There was no man ever born into this world that could have stood under the weight of the load that was upon the Son of God, when he was carrying my sins and yours and making it possible that we might escape from our sins...

When Alma talked to his son he said I hope you remember your sin to the poi.t that you feel remorse.

June 1st 1:30. Cookies with no stove preparedness.

Her son baked pancakes for breakfast for her.

On mission were asked to search out the lord and find out what type of missionary we would be.

You can have nothing and everything at the same time.

Our blessings are not as much as for us, as those who might see our examples.

*Our charachter is to God as our homes are to our neighbors.

It is funny to me that I am eating a strawberry cause of that scene from Tess.

It helps that the lord knows our hearts because sometimes we want so much to do good.

We all need to do better in the future than we have in the past.

Come to realize who you really are the truth about who you are.

Scripture nurtures our charachter, maybe because both are divine. How glorious people actually appear to God.

This is the true nature of the people. Jonah is a lot like Jean Valjean.

When we do things that are hard, but we can grow stronger and do all the Lord has in mind for us.

Story about how she never cried at the funeral of her mother, then her son asked her how come she never cried. She just thought Boy, you do not understand at all, she was needing to be strong for others, but today it was hitting her very hard.

Story about feeling that remorse when it was only charcoal on a stucco wall at her brother's house and she was afraid for her son because usually her brother was,very firm. Savior can actually take things away and we
actually only have the lesson learned.

To consider when we are really sorry for the thing we have done.

Music not included

Search my heart oh God, and know these desires.
If it be thy will then bless me with the way, as thou knowst best.
How better I may serve thee, and kindle those hearts whose fires
need the very care that I am fit to give, though I am no better than the rest.

This is the place, I get that much.

     I was thinking about how I am so concious of taking advantage of others but it is the one thing that I want them to do to me, but don't sometimes, strange. No, it isn't that strange, you love everyone, and yet, you only hug or kiss certain people, it is a bit like that.

     Here it is: Marriage is the place where we get to practice being unselfish. It really seems like being taken advantage of, and it would be if it was under different circumstances. I think it is like punishing children for breaking the rules, it might seem mean, when misunderstood.

     Ok, new thought just interuppted me, heard this, "There is no point writting songs that no one will ever sing." I disagree. but, it is again a matter of purpose, if you are writting them as a job which is to earn you money, I suppose then he is right, but in my case I have written songs to express things, like these words, I love the scene from Anonymous where Edward Devere tells his wife about how he must let things out, and until he does they give him no peace. And finally Elizabeth tells him that None of his plays or poems will bear his name. Again, that doesn't have anything to do with why he wrote them in the first place, but if we all had motives of recognition, it would feel bad. His salvation is that he has influenced one playright in particular, who makes a huge difference in the world. And the fact that he has influenced so many by being "heard" the name or method does not matter so much. uh, now if I can remember what I was intending to say.... I got nothing.

     I had to reread and it jarred my memory. A reason for my hospitalization is comming clear to me now. One I was oblivious to before because I was not ready or wanting to understand. I am deeply driven by the desire to be pretty, though I do not like to be esteemed because of it. I know that doesn't make much sense to you, but it is clear to me. Like when I was a computer technichian and people would ask, where is the guy? sort of as a girl couldn't do it. There are several times when being attractive was determental. I was accused of sleeping my way to the top when others were turned down for promotions, but they were ugly nd cited that as the reason. Ofcourse I did my darndest to help and prove that it was not my looks at all, it was just a matter of intellect, but how do you do that tactfully? Anyway, I really want my husband to be so attracted to me, and prize me more than he can stand so that I am constantly on his mind, but I do not really want anyone else to think I'm pretty, unless that makes him jealous, what? just being honest.

      Anyway, that is what made me unhappy in my last marriage. I was not valued at all, I did not realize that was my motivation for doing things that made him angry, and I wanted to just be with him forever, but I look at the things that happened, and it was commented about how healthy I was and it attributed to the fact that I could endure and survive my illness. So, while I was being mad about my whole life falling apart, it was just falling or refalling into place so that I could be blessed as I am now, unexpectedly.

      My thoughts were, but I wouldn't need help if I hadn't gotten so sick and been hospitalized. I wouldn't get this help in somewhere else, so being in Utah is exactly the right place and it is pretty much the only thing I know and must cling to. Very influential initially was a talk given at a broadcasted Stake conference where a story was given about how someone moved here and they bore a testimony about how peole were being gathered in preparation for the second coming, ur, wait a sec. I cannot say that is what was spoken or heard by others, but it solidified the idea in my mind that this was the place that I was wanted to be. Then, recently we studied another talk where we learned that it is important to focus on what we do know if we want to know more. I see that with things I want. I really do not want to be here, but I want to be in the right place and i know that I am so I will not move.

    Stand in Holy Places, strange but that was in my mind. I don't get it, but it was that I ought to just type that on a single sentence and leave it at that.

Stand ye in Holy Places.

duh!

Isn't it nice to be able to speak plainly and people assume it is a sort of ridle and find great meaning in your words?

Last night - needs revision - not what I meant it to be

Nick rented Les Mis for me and it was a wonderful gesture! I had been thinking of the time in college I was making a virtual library, cataloging everything I owned. This was the early days of Website design when HTML was relatively unknown .Asp, Flash, or ajax was unthought of yet, with that the standardizing of webdesign had not occurred so we did not have the standard "About me" "Contact" "Photos" you get the idea for links. I put things that I supposed would be the best way to learn about me, "My Library" "Original Music" "Poetry" etc. well, I was growing tired of recording each book so I started just copying and pasting "Victor Hugo" as the author of each book. I recalled this when I was watching Cars 2 with my son and there was a car named Victor, Victor Hugo, no less. The car was a Hugo. Cute, very Disneyish!

But, I was verclempt several times while watching it, though good it made me think several thoughts, the most paramount and unavoided one surfaced and so, I do not want to run from it anymore, but instead will record it and stare at it face on.

I want to start over, but everything taught is that you cannot really get a clean slate, though I did actually get one, after doing time in a hospital bed and trading my talents for it. But, I never appreciated it then.

When Fontine (sp?) was singing about her child I actually had that experience to draw from and I prayed so hard that my daughter will be cared for and I loved all of my children so much, it nearly even pains me now to think of it. Then that triggered my second thought how all of the carachter's and the movie itself was so dark and desperate. And Jean Valjean decides that the only way to do over or redeem is to start over with a new alias, and he sings about how the old self died. that reminded me of a theme from Brigham city. That method of recreating oneself worked so well, It shocked me to discover the man was not who I believed he was, then I struggled with the fact that if a person isn't his name... or is he? my dad liked to talk about ancestors asking "What have you done with my name?" then, I thought about how it was like we all must do with our sins, bury them and never return to them.

so much self-inspection lead me to the natural outpouring of things I kept too long inside, and I still do not have the skill to document them faithfully, but there are overarching themes that shape who I am...

I am a good person, but I feel like I am eternally trapped. mortality is an easy thing to escape, but death would not be an escape of much. What my big struggle is, is that I am not in love, really in love the way I believe one needs to be. But, here I am unable to do anything about it. I am not talking about needing the Atonement or forgiveness. I have not committed any unpardonable sin, yet I am stuck. My only escape (Where can I turn for peace) is in thinking that it is just a matter of time. But, as I was trying to think of a solution, no matter how crazy, it could be as silly to ask  God to touch some rocks to make them glow. I thought, do not limit my imagnation but come up with a solution.

I wanted all of my children to be with their fathers but with me, too. I really do not want to be with those fathers. I think the older kids are well cared for, no big concern there. Eventually my little kids will grow up and I want to be sealed to them, but I do not want to be sealed to their father.

My solution, is out there, though more complex than it was, but the solution would be for me to be sealed to someone I loved with my children, all of them. We could be a big happy eternal family afterall. So, instead of being sad I will start focusing on this goal. I was happy with Brandall, but that has been destroyed, by him, I simply will not do that to anyone else, if I do get married it will be eternal and no excuse will deter me. Hang on. Woah Nelly! Stop the presses, Didn't say that right. I am married!

 Because, what is utterly important is living forever with this man whom I love. The easiest solution is to fall in love with Nick have him transform who he is and what he does, and somehow adopt those children. That was my initial plan. Well, ok I got everything, but the falling in love part.  I knew that I wanted a family, I only saw that as my goal but then I lost sight of that, and saw too late that I was building the family minus some key points, normally, I say, you try and fail that is how you learn what to aim for, but I fear it is too late. I see what I want now, but see that I missed the opportunity.

Jane Eyre

Ok, this the book review no one ever gave a deserving book. Everyone probaably thinks about it, but no one ever says anything, so, consider the silence broken concerning this issue. I am only going to touch on this, not speculate or anything else like why or anything. The book is written as a memoir or something. We know exactly how she feels and constantly tells how much she loves Mr. Rochester and yet, in the movie it appears at the same time that she is declaring undying love to the reader that she is the one keeping him at a distance, this can be explained, but I just cannot shake the idea that she loves him so entirely that she doesn't want him to know. in the movie, I am not very adept at non verbal communication and body language, but in quite a few scene she seems to be sending "Leave me alone". "I do not care for you." vibes, at the time she is writting about her undying love.

Like I said, I will not explain this further, but I will say that I love this book so much, it nearly seems real to me. I am not sure that Jane and Mr. Rochester did not live in some home somewhere and live this great story. It seems realistic to me that what appears to the man as disintrest is a desire to appear uninterested in order to be allowed to learn more and become closer like our anthropology professor explained familial circles as a great example of the social unspoken laws. And a close friend of mine explained that her daughter "brotherizes" guys. I suppose it is the same thing Jane did. Those nonexsistant laws are always tricky to bend.

back again?

I keep turning this thought away, but it keeps nagging at me and anyone will tell you that I am a pushover and give up quite easily. So, I'll say it and leave it at that and maybe it will inturn leave me alone. The nagging thought is how we all think being critical means being nasty, but it is the way to show everyone how smart you are or something. We also complain about politicians being terrible and corrupt, but that admits that the majority of the people are good and politicians do not really represent them, well, who do they respresent?

I always paused to think about it when the Nephites would apologize for the mistakes in their works. I used to think, I wonder how smart you need to be to notice the errors. I must be representative of the stupid majority and not the vocal know-it-alls, cause I know the Nephites feel like their crudeness is offending someone, but I can't even see an offense in the first place. It might be cause I grew up. I used to know-it-all when I was younger. I used to notice that with my exhusband, my mother commented how he was so negative. I just thought he must be so smart to be able to criticize things, cause in band and choir to adjudicate was an honor to your learning. You have to know what to look for to correct others, and you have to have some sort of standard to claim legitimacy. So, I just figured that he was so much better and wiser than me. cause when an "untrained ear" hear the same things they would think it was wonderful, but the judges knew better.

With the internet, namely youtube, we can see the people without their representatives, and I do not see much difference between them and the things politicians do or say. But I still have noticed another thing. The only time people make comments is when they feel strongly. When I did phone support for Microsoft we were asked to end a call by sort of using an Inception by planting the words very satisfied in their mind so when they got a follow up survey they would likely choose that option, because frankly, the vocal people tend to be, not the ones who are important or have the best things to say, but who have negative things to say.

Please, notice that thousands of people will watch something, but only about a hundred say anything. and likely they do not represent the opinions of most viewers. They just have an opinion, and that opinion is that what they have to say is important.

Let me toss in this, I hate it when people say, " There is no such thing as a dumb question. " I can understand the applicatiuon of such a phrase say in a classroom where people do not understand but are afraid to speak up. but, there are stupid questions. The most annoying questions are the ones that others ask with no real desire or expectation of an answer like, "Are you going to wear that?" They don't care they just want to guide your thought cause they think that your opinion would be theirs with more thought. Or, "How are you?" People say this with no curiosity intended, it is merely a greeting to show an interest because asking questions is polite, but it is polite because it demonstrates an interest. Alot of the time, there really is an interest, but that is a stupid question because it is not asking what they want to know like, "Are you happy today?" or something with a yes or no answer.

Oh, crud, my thoughts never stop once the flood gate is opened, sorry. I honestly am trying to keep things in my heart (like Mary did when visited by an angel), but I am failing miserably, huh? Well, chances are I will continue to rain torrentially on this blog, as a reaction to this song: http://youtu.be/MnPICiigM5Q

periodic changes

     this, and all future posts were written on note pad or such offline and then pasted at a later time.

      Just like our body, the earth and everything changes, and those changes are periodic and measurable if noted and quantified for such a purpose. Take the way the moon appears for instance, if you got to assign a significance, you might say the darned thing gets really fat, but it will be a sliver again. Over time, I noticed that my size fluctuates. It has nothing to do with the ammount I eat, exercise  or even how much the sun shines on me. I reflect a different appearance because myappearance changes.
      Right now, I feel very fat, but I am unable to do my usual trick of running because I simply cannot run. As I was looking at my reflection wondering how I could alter my appearance it occurred to me that it isn't significant in the first place and I will change again, without doing anything.
      I am not abdicating do nothing. I only noticed that, yet again, we might be doing the wrong thingsd to cause the effect that we want. For instance, we could move the moon to keep it skinny looking, but that would mess up the tides and a number of other things like the method a lost stranger might use to measure the passage of time. We take for granted that the things we see will remain constant in their change, but when our bodies change we think it is not good and we seek to alter it,
      Well, as is usual, I just accidentally happened to not be able to keep harming myself, like sunbathing is now considered unhealthy, when It was all the rage and not considered a carcinogen, I lived in Seattle and looked like I climbed out from under a rock. Others complimented me on my choice to stay out of the sun, and honestly, it wasn't a choice as much of my good fortune and favor has been coincidence. I actually like the feeling of being warmed by the sun as my body does not seem to regulate it's own temperature very well anymore since my hypothermia and sunstroke in the same year. Much like all my life I simply loved to run, and honestly if it was determined that running kills you, I would still want to do it, but I cannot.
     Nevertheless, I will be skinny again. Maybe the changes are overall subtle like growing up. I am actually growing out but in a way I can accept more easily. Whatever, I have never understood the complex things my body does like making or feeding a child. I could manipulate, but never actually control what my body does. It is alot like resurrecting. How is it done? I feel a bit like Frankenstein now, but I would like to know how to bring a person back to life but I know as much as I do how to create a life, even though I have done it, it is mostly, "Magic".

Brain dump

Thyroid cancer surgery, no ability to speak but still could communicate, andwas the sane brilliant,strong woman she hadalways been, just quieter. testimony that God works through people even if no voice things are done.


Class began by individually answering what we didn't like about church and how we wouldchange itm as if we were creating a church likethe cathloic did.

It is believed that is where the Apocropha came from. The church just didn't like those scriptures.

Story of how a branch in Japan was altered and Sunday school was no longer held because it was not easy enough to accomodate.

Apostasy is considered a famine.

Dark age was dark because it had no revelation (How sad for those people doesn't seem like a good way to learn about life),

Needed the Autority to organize among many other necessary things like the printing press and a land of religious freedom.

6 elders were needed to organize a church in the state of New York,

What if everyone could pass a temple reccommend interview,

Trust in the Lord's timing.

Short sale on house made an offer but months later still here,but things turned out better, Other things just fell into place although originally they wanted something else to work out.

Ltlle Children do not notice things that happen very often as being anything but common. We are commanded to be like little children.

We do not need fret over who will be speaking or presenting the materialm as lonng as the materialis good there is a master teacher, who is part of the godhead and will see that things are taught to meet each student's needs  (this could help teachers and speakers too).

We can talk about what we believe small as it may be.

But it is like stuffing aturkey from the beak oapproach what we hope for by starting with what we know will not be right.

Sometimes we feel that we desperately need something. And,we need to believe in a thing though it seems impossible ( impossible and improbable are very similar words). This iswhere Sis Monk told thestory about needing a blessing but her burse took her cellphone away and it seemed impossible,but she prayed anyway,and though she never said a word to anyone miraculously a guy showed up unexpected and asked if he with another guy could give her a blessing, Note: She lived andis doing quite well now while her husband died in the car crash.

The stripling warriors knew that their mothers knew it. How much do we tell our children what we know and how?

Donot be afraid to ask with full purpose of heart. God will send help.

Jesus prayed after he was no longer with us, and he still prays for us.

You can still pray for loved ones after death.

Story that Sister Joseph told about outtig the bane of her nother on the temple roll long after she died.

We do not have it all (like our church which we know there are books and truths that we do not have yet.) but are expected to live to the best we know how before we recieve more.

(I can't tell what this says. It might not be right or make sense) Frustrating to only the important people to deal with.

Be candid in your questions.

"I am too scared to not pay tithing." Sister Smellie shared owerful,believable,story of how she knew the commandment to pay tithing was inspired,

Side note...before a mission can have larger organization they must meet certain reqiuirements one of which is tithe payers,

the effect is not what was expected

I was really impressed by the way that a lesson/talk was interpretted and presented. the talk was "Lord, I believe" by Elder Holland from the most recent session of general conference, I
listened to the talk and relistened and loved it so much, but the impressions presented were entirely unexpected.

I was just listening to the song "Hold on to the night" and somehow it fired a nueron that went directly to the things taught today in a talk about faith. Now that should have been sufficient info to jar my memory of what was so important to say here that I started my attempt while baking cookies and minding two screaming kids, while using a broken laptop with most of the keys missing. I guess my husband is helping a bit between video games and other things that are really making it better if he were not here. Let me explain that rather nasty remark. I just see him here and let up a bit on being such an attentive "helicopter mom" (words of Dr. Wayne Dyer). but eaxh time I try to do something else the kids end up in a terrible predicament and he is right there but ignores it so it still is my duty,one that would never had happened in the first place had I been watching them carefully. So, it was actually my fault.

So, though I still intend to cover this class more fully in rewriting my notes in a "brain dump" I will tell what I learned today in my class.We should record how we feel, most specifically our faith building stories because alot of the time we ourselves might need that little boost or someone maybe even our children who are growing and developing their own beliefs might realy benefit from our experience. The things we know we need to cling to and it is best to cling to and not loose the things we are taught if we write them down. I have noticed how valuable truths are repeated over and over because who knows  when they will actually be learned, to stick, like is the goal.

I honestly felt like I had reached a point where I needed to learn those secret truths that were only available in the temple and I used to go on "road" trips on dirt roads looking for my white stone like John talks about. I figured others had one already. Another example is my daughter was afraid,I bet, so she went to RS with me,but then asked me in suprised manner why we were still just learning the same things that she learned in primary already. And she asked me where they teach all of the cool things that I know.  lol. flattered, I explained that we get the same lessons, but the teacher isn't the same.

But, I just figured it out today, the teacher needs to become the Holy Ghost then it doesn't matter who presents the information, you will get what you need. It was because the Sunday School president said something about worrying about who was going to teach lessons and stuff then he realized that it really doesn't matter much because God is the master teacher. I was like "Ah hah!"

New Year's Resolutions

First, let me explain. I have decided to celebrate each New Year on May first. Every day down to every moment is new. So, arbitrarily I picked a day to begin again. It really seems more aplicable what with spring in full swing for sure now, plus, I just had Christmas in December and needed some time to recover before I started thinking fully about resolutions. Well, here they are:

1) Be positive, but above all fair and honest, yet positive.

2) Avoid 1rst person if possible.

3) Help others if I can & be instantly responsive to notions to do something good.
 4) Spend more time thinking Why I can instead of why I can't.

5) Take everything I have seriously, including promises and gifts.

6) Remember to show appreciation.