It's Time

Though my brain infection caused serious trouble and holes in the person I was building, With time and effort those holes can be repaired.

I have not ever said it, but now, I must. Of all of the things that just seemed to.slip away and I really couldn't do anything about, the one thing I thought I could repair,it was my chance or something, but it is the one thing I cannot mend and the past years all of my words and efforts have been towards that end.

I was completely in love, so much so that little else,mattered to me. This is what scared me. I was glad to be free because I was neglecting other things, the very things that I was so.upset about loosing, like running and piano. I had spent almost countless hours on those things. They were my choices. That was who I wanted to be, but then I fell in love an none of that mattered. So, I married someone with whom I wasn't so crazy about in hopes that I could rebuild me.

Now, I see it is futile. I loved to a point that could,never be matched and now I am looking for that one thing in hopes that maybe I could at least replace that.

Maybe, it is the atonement that "turns weaknesses into strength." Maybe, I was supposed to realize that my faith was unchanged and focus on building that. We are commanded to love God with all of our heart, might, and strength.

But, like "The Birthmark' I focused on the one thing I could not fix instead of what I could continue. I can still speak, write, and comprehend, that alone is an awesome gift!

What I intended; however, was not to preach, but to express the deep sadness dare I name it depression? from,my infection was not for what I could not do anymore, but the family that I lost. I have ignored it for the most part because I have a family again, but it is only a shadow of what I had.

I was reading that family is central to God's plan of happiness, and now I see exactly what that means, and it is time that I stop trying to make my new family into what I had.

Sadly, I lost, it is gone and irreplaceable. I still have the blueprints in my heart, and it hurts more than anything to give up and toss those plans out, which I should have done before.

I even have all of my children on a regular basis, but freely admit they are here because I prayed them here, but everytime I have them, my heart breaks all over when they leave, because they have to go. They belong with me, but they belong with their father, too.