this must end.

No more. I finally decided to step back and realize the big picture of what is going on here. I loose a LOT of weight, and get excited, but feel fatter, so I exercise probably to an extreme, I am trying to make up for the loss of locomotion. And I drop a bunch of sizes, and like the way I look, but I weigh myself to find that I have gained all of the weight back, plus, exercise makes me so hungry! Repeat. I decide that all the eating is why I gained weight so I diet pretty rigidly,  until I start to feel fat again, so I weigh myself and find that I actually lost a significant amount of weight. But, I feel so fat and I have gained my larger size figure back, so I exercise which leads to eating, uh oh!

I thought I figured it all out, so, I did modern exercise combined with fasting, and it works, truly, but, my body wants to be a certain size that I do not like, ahhrg!

So, this morning, I figured, in my figuring mindset that I would rather not feel large and loose weight. So, I am going to terraform, so to speak, my body with food and exercise, and I am not going to like it, and may even certain aspects of my duties painful, but that is what I have decided from a distance needs to be done, and additionally, I have read about how a group of people were trapped in a difficult cycle and discovered that the only possibility of deliverance was divine aid. I think it is the most necessary part of my health that I have been omitting because I deemed it one of those matters that were of no consequence to my Heavenly Father. But, it does matter to me and as a preschool teacher I learned that if a need like food or some creature comfort is causing stress it will effect the possibility of improvement in other areas.... so like, to improve test scores, bring a snack for your class....meaning, sure weight is insignificant, but in my case it has become a stumbling block for other more significant matters. I ought to include my Heavenly Father if I hope for success of any kind. Especially at certain mile makers, I will need to be strengthened.

Fasting is a true tool, causing change, but only one of many tools and but a part in the desired goal in this case.

brain dump

Notes from my morning study.

turn strengths into weakness.

wife said, "they got the right man for the job."

jesus doesn't fill up the difference jesus makes all the difference grace isn't about filling gaps it is about filling us.

Heaven will not be Heavenly for those who have not chosen to be in Heaven (and practiced such)...this last quote is pretty much exactly the point I tried to make when explaining to Brian Whisenant our high standards (by "our" I was referring to latter-day Saints opposed to other Christian denominations) I used the metaphor of playing Golf or hitting  a target. though the goal may be quite a long way off if we say the reward is the distance, hole in one is not so likely, but, practice makes a huge difference and though we might have chosen a easier destination or target, we see each stroke that doesn't end in perfection or successful completion as one try, but not a reason to give up but think of how much closer we have become, and try again.

I also think a lot of the Book, the Great Divorce, by C.S.Lewis.

awesome quote alert!

"If God relates to a diverse number of people 

in diverse ways then 

there must be diverse ways to relate to him". 

This thought helps me understand Norse Paganism... and all religions actually. Even Judaism and many hard to understand laws.

life happens in circles

I was pondering life and all the places I have been and things I had done that were even common place to me at the time. But, now they are foreign and I cannot even recall. Like touring Europe playing my trombone, I know that I did it because I have records of such and have repeatedly told a few stories, but I do not remember things like visiting Neuschweinstien or shopping in Switzerland, but I did. I was around 13 years old, the age of my children. I do recall one thing that has been extremely significant in my life and it happened not far from where I currently live. I doubt that is much of a significance. Also, I teach a primary class in the very place used as the Celestial Kingdom. I still have those memories. I was 17 and was alone in the room for a long while with billows sheer white curtains and a song "Alleluia" by Kenneth Cope. Everything about that youth conference effected my life and choices so much! I am going to listen to that song now.

https://youtu.be/ntjGknj7gxU?si=Eneo9goHDFsRU_R0