Last night - needs revision - not what I meant it to be

Nick rented Les Mis for me and it was a wonderful gesture! I had been thinking of the time in college I was making a virtual library, cataloging everything I owned. This was the early days of Website design when HTML was relatively unknown .Asp, Flash, or ajax was unthought of yet, with that the standardizing of webdesign had not occurred so we did not have the standard "About me" "Contact" "Photos" you get the idea for links. I put things that I supposed would be the best way to learn about me, "My Library" "Original Music" "Poetry" etc. well, I was growing tired of recording each book so I started just copying and pasting "Victor Hugo" as the author of each book. I recalled this when I was watching Cars 2 with my son and there was a car named Victor, Victor Hugo, no less. The car was a Hugo. Cute, very Disneyish!

But, I was verclempt several times while watching it, though good it made me think several thoughts, the most paramount and unavoided one surfaced and so, I do not want to run from it anymore, but instead will record it and stare at it face on.

I want to start over, but everything taught is that you cannot really get a clean slate, though I did actually get one, after doing time in a hospital bed and trading my talents for it. But, I never appreciated it then.

When Fontine (sp?) was singing about her child I actually had that experience to draw from and I prayed so hard that my daughter will be cared for and I loved all of my children so much, it nearly even pains me now to think of it. Then that triggered my second thought how all of the carachter's and the movie itself was so dark and desperate. And Jean Valjean decides that the only way to do over or redeem is to start over with a new alias, and he sings about how the old self died. that reminded me of a theme from Brigham city. That method of recreating oneself worked so well, It shocked me to discover the man was not who I believed he was, then I struggled with the fact that if a person isn't his name... or is he? my dad liked to talk about ancestors asking "What have you done with my name?" then, I thought about how it was like we all must do with our sins, bury them and never return to them.

so much self-inspection lead me to the natural outpouring of things I kept too long inside, and I still do not have the skill to document them faithfully, but there are overarching themes that shape who I am...

I am a good person, but I feel like I am eternally trapped. mortality is an easy thing to escape, but death would not be an escape of much. What my big struggle is, is that I am not in love, really in love the way I believe one needs to be. But, here I am unable to do anything about it. I am not talking about needing the Atonement or forgiveness. I have not committed any unpardonable sin, yet I am stuck. My only escape (Where can I turn for peace) is in thinking that it is just a matter of time. But, as I was trying to think of a solution, no matter how crazy, it could be as silly to ask  God to touch some rocks to make them glow. I thought, do not limit my imagnation but come up with a solution.

I wanted all of my children to be with their fathers but with me, too. I really do not want to be with those fathers. I think the older kids are well cared for, no big concern there. Eventually my little kids will grow up and I want to be sealed to them, but I do not want to be sealed to their father.

My solution, is out there, though more complex than it was, but the solution would be for me to be sealed to someone I loved with my children, all of them. We could be a big happy eternal family afterall. So, instead of being sad I will start focusing on this goal. I was happy with Brandall, but that has been destroyed, by him, I simply will not do that to anyone else, if I do get married it will be eternal and no excuse will deter me. Hang on. Woah Nelly! Stop the presses, Didn't say that right. I am married!

 Because, what is utterly important is living forever with this man whom I love. The easiest solution is to fall in love with Nick have him transform who he is and what he does, and somehow adopt those children. That was my initial plan. Well, ok I got everything, but the falling in love part.  I knew that I wanted a family, I only saw that as my goal but then I lost sight of that, and saw too late that I was building the family minus some key points, normally, I say, you try and fail that is how you learn what to aim for, but I fear it is too late. I see what I want now, but see that I missed the opportunity.

Jane Eyre

Ok, this the book review no one ever gave a deserving book. Everyone probaably thinks about it, but no one ever says anything, so, consider the silence broken concerning this issue. I am only going to touch on this, not speculate or anything else like why or anything. The book is written as a memoir or something. We know exactly how she feels and constantly tells how much she loves Mr. Rochester and yet, in the movie it appears at the same time that she is declaring undying love to the reader that she is the one keeping him at a distance, this can be explained, but I just cannot shake the idea that she loves him so entirely that she doesn't want him to know. in the movie, I am not very adept at non verbal communication and body language, but in quite a few scene she seems to be sending "Leave me alone". "I do not care for you." vibes, at the time she is writting about her undying love.

Like I said, I will not explain this further, but I will say that I love this book so much, it nearly seems real to me. I am not sure that Jane and Mr. Rochester did not live in some home somewhere and live this great story. It seems realistic to me that what appears to the man as disintrest is a desire to appear uninterested in order to be allowed to learn more and become closer like our anthropology professor explained familial circles as a great example of the social unspoken laws. And a close friend of mine explained that her daughter "brotherizes" guys. I suppose it is the same thing Jane did. Those nonexsistant laws are always tricky to bend.

back again?

I keep turning this thought away, but it keeps nagging at me and anyone will tell you that I am a pushover and give up quite easily. So, I'll say it and leave it at that and maybe it will inturn leave me alone. The nagging thought is how we all think being critical means being nasty, but it is the way to show everyone how smart you are or something. We also complain about politicians being terrible and corrupt, but that admits that the majority of the people are good and politicians do not really represent them, well, who do they respresent?

I always paused to think about it when the Nephites would apologize for the mistakes in their works. I used to think, I wonder how smart you need to be to notice the errors. I must be representative of the stupid majority and not the vocal know-it-alls, cause I know the Nephites feel like their crudeness is offending someone, but I can't even see an offense in the first place. It might be cause I grew up. I used to know-it-all when I was younger. I used to notice that with my exhusband, my mother commented how he was so negative. I just thought he must be so smart to be able to criticize things, cause in band and choir to adjudicate was an honor to your learning. You have to know what to look for to correct others, and you have to have some sort of standard to claim legitimacy. So, I just figured that he was so much better and wiser than me. cause when an "untrained ear" hear the same things they would think it was wonderful, but the judges knew better.

With the internet, namely youtube, we can see the people without their representatives, and I do not see much difference between them and the things politicians do or say. But I still have noticed another thing. The only time people make comments is when they feel strongly. When I did phone support for Microsoft we were asked to end a call by sort of using an Inception by planting the words very satisfied in their mind so when they got a follow up survey they would likely choose that option, because frankly, the vocal people tend to be, not the ones who are important or have the best things to say, but who have negative things to say.

Please, notice that thousands of people will watch something, but only about a hundred say anything. and likely they do not represent the opinions of most viewers. They just have an opinion, and that opinion is that what they have to say is important.

Let me toss in this, I hate it when people say, " There is no such thing as a dumb question. " I can understand the applicatiuon of such a phrase say in a classroom where people do not understand but are afraid to speak up. but, there are stupid questions. The most annoying questions are the ones that others ask with no real desire or expectation of an answer like, "Are you going to wear that?" They don't care they just want to guide your thought cause they think that your opinion would be theirs with more thought. Or, "How are you?" People say this with no curiosity intended, it is merely a greeting to show an interest because asking questions is polite, but it is polite because it demonstrates an interest. Alot of the time, there really is an interest, but that is a stupid question because it is not asking what they want to know like, "Are you happy today?" or something with a yes or no answer.

Oh, crud, my thoughts never stop once the flood gate is opened, sorry. I honestly am trying to keep things in my heart (like Mary did when visited by an angel), but I am failing miserably, huh? Well, chances are I will continue to rain torrentially on this blog, as a reaction to this song: http://youtu.be/MnPICiigM5Q

periodic changes

     this, and all future posts were written on note pad or such offline and then pasted at a later time.

      Just like our body, the earth and everything changes, and those changes are periodic and measurable if noted and quantified for such a purpose. Take the way the moon appears for instance, if you got to assign a significance, you might say the darned thing gets really fat, but it will be a sliver again. Over time, I noticed that my size fluctuates. It has nothing to do with the ammount I eat, exercise  or even how much the sun shines on me. I reflect a different appearance because myappearance changes.
      Right now, I feel very fat, but I am unable to do my usual trick of running because I simply cannot run. As I was looking at my reflection wondering how I could alter my appearance it occurred to me that it isn't significant in the first place and I will change again, without doing anything.
      I am not abdicating do nothing. I only noticed that, yet again, we might be doing the wrong thingsd to cause the effect that we want. For instance, we could move the moon to keep it skinny looking, but that would mess up the tides and a number of other things like the method a lost stranger might use to measure the passage of time. We take for granted that the things we see will remain constant in their change, but when our bodies change we think it is not good and we seek to alter it,
      Well, as is usual, I just accidentally happened to not be able to keep harming myself, like sunbathing is now considered unhealthy, when It was all the rage and not considered a carcinogen, I lived in Seattle and looked like I climbed out from under a rock. Others complimented me on my choice to stay out of the sun, and honestly, it wasn't a choice as much of my good fortune and favor has been coincidence. I actually like the feeling of being warmed by the sun as my body does not seem to regulate it's own temperature very well anymore since my hypothermia and sunstroke in the same year. Much like all my life I simply loved to run, and honestly if it was determined that running kills you, I would still want to do it, but I cannot.
     Nevertheless, I will be skinny again. Maybe the changes are overall subtle like growing up. I am actually growing out but in a way I can accept more easily. Whatever, I have never understood the complex things my body does like making or feeding a child. I could manipulate, but never actually control what my body does. It is alot like resurrecting. How is it done? I feel a bit like Frankenstein now, but I would like to know how to bring a person back to life but I know as much as I do how to create a life, even though I have done it, it is mostly, "Magic".

Brain dump

Thyroid cancer surgery, no ability to speak but still could communicate, andwas the sane brilliant,strong woman she hadalways been, just quieter. testimony that God works through people even if no voice things are done.


Class began by individually answering what we didn't like about church and how we wouldchange itm as if we were creating a church likethe cathloic did.

It is believed that is where the Apocropha came from. The church just didn't like those scriptures.

Story of how a branch in Japan was altered and Sunday school was no longer held because it was not easy enough to accomodate.

Apostasy is considered a famine.

Dark age was dark because it had no revelation (How sad for those people doesn't seem like a good way to learn about life),

Needed the Autority to organize among many other necessary things like the printing press and a land of religious freedom.

6 elders were needed to organize a church in the state of New York,

What if everyone could pass a temple reccommend interview,

Trust in the Lord's timing.

Short sale on house made an offer but months later still here,but things turned out better, Other things just fell into place although originally they wanted something else to work out.

Ltlle Children do not notice things that happen very often as being anything but common. We are commanded to be like little children.

We do not need fret over who will be speaking or presenting the materialm as lonng as the materialis good there is a master teacher, who is part of the godhead and will see that things are taught to meet each student's needs  (this could help teachers and speakers too).

We can talk about what we believe small as it may be.

But it is like stuffing aturkey from the beak oapproach what we hope for by starting with what we know will not be right.

Sometimes we feel that we desperately need something. And,we need to believe in a thing though it seems impossible ( impossible and improbable are very similar words). This iswhere Sis Monk told thestory about needing a blessing but her burse took her cellphone away and it seemed impossible,but she prayed anyway,and though she never said a word to anyone miraculously a guy showed up unexpected and asked if he with another guy could give her a blessing, Note: She lived andis doing quite well now while her husband died in the car crash.

The stripling warriors knew that their mothers knew it. How much do we tell our children what we know and how?

Donot be afraid to ask with full purpose of heart. God will send help.

Jesus prayed after he was no longer with us, and he still prays for us.

You can still pray for loved ones after death.

Story that Sister Joseph told about outtig the bane of her nother on the temple roll long after she died.

We do not have it all (like our church which we know there are books and truths that we do not have yet.) but are expected to live to the best we know how before we recieve more.

(I can't tell what this says. It might not be right or make sense) Frustrating to only the important people to deal with.

Be candid in your questions.

"I am too scared to not pay tithing." Sister Smellie shared owerful,believable,story of how she knew the commandment to pay tithing was inspired,

Side note...before a mission can have larger organization they must meet certain reqiuirements one of which is tithe payers,

the effect is not what was expected

I was really impressed by the way that a lesson/talk was interpretted and presented. the talk was "Lord, I believe" by Elder Holland from the most recent session of general conference, I
listened to the talk and relistened and loved it so much, but the impressions presented were entirely unexpected.

I was just listening to the song "Hold on to the night" and somehow it fired a nueron that went directly to the things taught today in a talk about faith. Now that should have been sufficient info to jar my memory of what was so important to say here that I started my attempt while baking cookies and minding two screaming kids, while using a broken laptop with most of the keys missing. I guess my husband is helping a bit between video games and other things that are really making it better if he were not here. Let me explain that rather nasty remark. I just see him here and let up a bit on being such an attentive "helicopter mom" (words of Dr. Wayne Dyer). but eaxh time I try to do something else the kids end up in a terrible predicament and he is right there but ignores it so it still is my duty,one that would never had happened in the first place had I been watching them carefully. So, it was actually my fault.

So, though I still intend to cover this class more fully in rewriting my notes in a "brain dump" I will tell what I learned today in my class.We should record how we feel, most specifically our faith building stories because alot of the time we ourselves might need that little boost or someone maybe even our children who are growing and developing their own beliefs might realy benefit from our experience. The things we know we need to cling to and it is best to cling to and not loose the things we are taught if we write them down. I have noticed how valuable truths are repeated over and over because who knows  when they will actually be learned, to stick, like is the goal.

I honestly felt like I had reached a point where I needed to learn those secret truths that were only available in the temple and I used to go on "road" trips on dirt roads looking for my white stone like John talks about. I figured others had one already. Another example is my daughter was afraid,I bet, so she went to RS with me,but then asked me in suprised manner why we were still just learning the same things that she learned in primary already. And she asked me where they teach all of the cool things that I know.  lol. flattered, I explained that we get the same lessons, but the teacher isn't the same.

But, I just figured it out today, the teacher needs to become the Holy Ghost then it doesn't matter who presents the information, you will get what you need. It was because the Sunday School president said something about worrying about who was going to teach lessons and stuff then he realized that it really doesn't matter much because God is the master teacher. I was like "Ah hah!"

New Year's Resolutions

First, let me explain. I have decided to celebrate each New Year on May first. Every day down to every moment is new. So, arbitrarily I picked a day to begin again. It really seems more aplicable what with spring in full swing for sure now, plus, I just had Christmas in December and needed some time to recover before I started thinking fully about resolutions. Well, here they are:

1) Be positive, but above all fair and honest, yet positive.

2) Avoid 1rst person if possible.

3) Help others if I can & be instantly responsive to notions to do something good.
 4) Spend more time thinking Why I can instead of why I can't.

5) Take everything I have seriously, including promises and gifts.

6) Remember to show appreciation.