You aren't fearless

but, you have the ability toovercome fear.

I was looking up Macy Gray, but found

Jim Cavizel just in time for Chritmas. cool. huh?

Figured it out

A huge problem has been figured out, I figured out what is missing in my life, and why I was not happy with loving Brandall forever and eventually left. I lacked someone who was an extension of myself, always on my side, who I could confide in.

I never felt that way with Brandall. When I met Nick I thought it was communication, and it sort of is, i need to feel like i can tell them anything and they are privy to everything that is me, like a constant facebook. They will share things, too and They will be able to give advice because they know me so well. I realized this because, like my daughters have expressed, I cannot "talk" to Nick and really that explains my dreams of "pillow talk" too and my thoughts of how secrets can be shared without speaking, maybe looking or a kiss, anyway it is a deeper connection. I have always lacked it. but we really do not have a word for it. Poets and Philosophers have tried to explain it by calling it love, which encompasses everything we feel but don't understand. Pretty broad of a term. As I said in a poem before it was stretched to mean too much and now like a deflated balloon it needs hot air to capture it's essence.

Oh, i'll figue something else out, right now, I need to watch a movie and go to sleep.

order

Things must be done in order.

Pretty basic, huh? You don't try to put shampoo in your hair befor you get it wet or grab your towel and dry yourself off before you bathe; likewise, you shouldn't try to teach children to love until you know how.

You really ought not to have children or try to raise them until you are married to someone you love. Take it from me. It will make everything easier. It. was intended that way so that children could be loved by people who love eachother as they all want, but we do have a limited window of opportunity to have childen, right? Well, there are always exceptions to any given rule, with the eception of, lol, j/k.

That is why I have such diffuculties. I was doing everything right, but obviously i did something wrong because my "ideal husband" divorced me. Our perfect family was destroyed, And it is only natural that those children want me to love their dad and in turn love them together. That much won't change, but in Christianity there must be some room for making mistakes as I did, though I still do not know what that mistake was. I must find the way to be forgiven and get a start over, knowing what I know now.

I know now that you can't bend a cracker no mater how hard you may try. I love that song, but you can bend a cracker.

I have a new obsession!

Well, not really an obsession, but someone I thik I would like if I met them.
I hardly know enough yet, but if I can find enough to hook myself, I'll be hooked.

Amos Lee.

I figure it would be better than pining over Brandall, that's a bit like spinning my wheels.

Just got home from the 5th annual Nativity lighting Concert.

I ought to include who perfomed what:

Invocation: (and it was in a school!)Pastor Neal Humprey (let us pray)

Davis Master Corale
Director: James Johnson accompianist: Christie Canfield
Songs: "Have you Seen the Baby"
"Born is the Light of the World"

Layton Chistian Academy Neo-classical band (very delightful)
Directors: Rey Roa and Caleb Shreyer
Medley: "Away in the manger, Silent Night/What child is This"(my favorite)

St. Rose of Lima Cathloic Church (Acapella)
Conductor: Alfonso Tenreiro
Songs: "Angels we have heard on High"
"Agnus Dei" composed by director (ah, that explains it)

LDS Valley View Ward
Director: Debbie West
Accompanist: Byran Richards (very good!)
Songs: "We're You There"
"Away in a Manger"

Mt. View Baptist Church (audience pleasers - used cd accomp.)
Director: Leon Shelton
Songs: "Run to the Manger"
"Emmanuel (Hallowed Manger Ground)"
"Emmanuel" feat a guy with audience beat keeping!lol

Layton High's Laytones
Director: Katie Stanger Accompanist: Justin Ly
Songs: "We Three Kings" (a capella)
"Silent Night"

Blessing of the Nativity: Father Clarence (everytime a bell rings...) Sandoval

My highlights

This was my attepmt at taking a photo daily, but I was distracted by a screaming Mary.

Why I am lost among so many people

It became more obvious as the seeds that were being sownin college. The simplified answer, as is obvious this could get wordy, is the humanities. An essential part of mankind comes from learning of mankind. But as I studied the classics and western civilizations to gain a greater understanding of thew human plight. My fellow students were out getting headaches and thinking I was dumb, all I was was alone, that loneliness deepened the more I learned but with my understanding and the very thing which I loved was causing the gulf of incomprehensibility to widen between my classmates and I. I did find alot of friedships in teachers who were masters of their craft and other people of other places who knew and loved the finer things as I did.

And now, alone, but not completely, like Moroni, the others who would be my associates, felt their lack, only too late, but now there is a surge of interest in learning the things they lacked and choosing things like Video games and Pornography to fill that void in their souls where the alcholhol filled. In the end they will find that it only leads to more wanting, and no fufilment.

We will all ind our companionship, I do not fear it will be with likeminded others as well, and though I am generally thought strange, I am glad of it.

Most valuable lessons of the day:

I'll try to retype it as good as before. Here goes:

1)Cherish things while you can.
2)Do not obsess over the past forgetting the present until it becomes your future.
3) At times we are given opportunities to fail purposefully, but we do not need to fail in order to make the right choice, even if that is the best way to understand.
4)Things come when you least expect them. Today is Lindsay's Anniversary. She gave up saying tha she honestly didn't care if she ever got married she stopped looking and weel, the rest is history, it's been four years and she has two beautiful children. I was playing the piano and realized the reason why I was frustrated at my songwritting was that I was trying to force purposes on myself but that has never been how I write. I later get the purpose. I have listened and re read so many thing that I wrote.one song in particular came to me instantly, while I was asleep:


I just started playing chords in eflat maj today and let myself just magically sing a tune and it was so much better than ones that I tried to write. I realized that I wasn't really such a great composer, but was the instrument. I knew that I was not a great thinker of myself, but figured that music was my great skill. It is just a favorite pastime of mine like everyone else. I thought that I was skilled at writing good melodies, but it just happens. I wonder if artists paint that way or if they intend to recreate a likeness. I suppose it's different for everyone, but as for me. It is not my skill as I had thought, but is something I love, it is part of me, as our voice is or something.
5) being sick helps us appreciate our health. So, though the grass might look greener elsewhere, it will probably make us realize how much greener our grass was all along.

Could it be magic?

Ok, just thinking about how much I loved the movies "The Prestige" and "The Illusionist" although at first, I assumed that I would just be killing time and tolerating another magic film. Yeah yeah, they can make magical things happen using a video camera. I really loved to make people disappear with my first video camera. And, I also used it to catch my little sister literally comming out of the closet (we had a good laugh about that) Anway, I saw the prestige in Hattiesburg with my brother and his wife, it impressed me how effective magic was when mixed with the "Long con" like the old Chinese man who walked faking a limp to pull off an effective trick or the (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Twins. Then, there is more than can be said here about the illusionist. I Loved it!!!!!





But, on to my story: one of my roomates Lori who I met in a musical, used to play this game with me. We would say, "Whatever song comes on next is YOUR song." It was my turn, so we listened to the radio, I wasn't much of a pop fan, so I doubted it would work, wqhen all of a sudden A Choppin Prelude started playing. I freaked out and turned it up. Then LeAnne my suitemate walked in and announced that it was Barry Manilow, her mother listened to that all the time.



Then, I nearly freaked out when he said "..Sweet Melissa..." how did they do that? I became obsessed And had to know what that song was. It really was magic!

I'm making two videos tonight, and honey garlic chicken

I only got up because I was sick, but realizing that I was alone gave me pause to really pray intently, uninterrupted. My answer was not what I expected. Though it really serves me right for expecting anything. I ought to know better by now. I'm still waiting for my video to finish. It is a fireplace with a burning fire accompanied by some Absolute music that I wrote. Wait, what is absolute music? I remember two things. 1)the Harvard Music dictionary that I was rewriting to be funny but only music majors "got" any of my jokes. 2)The papers that I wrote in college, my professors would put question marks next to words. Now, that happens in scrabble alot but not in papers about th industrial revolution and how it effected European literature. I did tend to make up word because of a frustration to say what I was thinking.

I studied music because I have always had trouble with words. Absolute music is Music in it's pure form, an example of it would be instrumentals. It doesn't have lyrics. I played some songs for the children in primary once and gave them paper and crayons and a sked them to draw what comes to mind. I was hoping to teach alternate ways of communication. Ends up I taught Confidence. I was shocked as I saw the pictures were exactly what I was trying to portray in song. I then asked if anyone wanted to share their picture or talk about it, to be sure we understood them. At first, no one wanted to share, out of embarassment, but after a few kids told what the thought of, and everyone agreed then they all wanted to share their pictures and meanings. They realized that it was not a sissy thing to listen to music or feel a way, infact everyone else did, too. I leaerned alot about strength in numbers that day, or about popularity, lol Lemmings... ok, It's almost done.

My next video is going to be Bary Manilow singing "If" but I'll use a photo of Monalisa. It ought to be fun to do. That reminds me of another story..

Ah hah!

I did not mean to figure this out, oh well, nothing is really lost, but I realized that as there are rungs on a ladder (oooh! I'm even afaid to share this because someone might actually read this) The destination remains the same as you climb, and each step is necessary, but others see those who are higher and think "Hey, they aren't any higher than me! I bet this ladder isn't even necessary, it is the only thing that puts me on a lower plane. That is wrong, the speed at which we ascend is determined by ourselves. Another foolish notion is that if a tower is built high enough we can reach God. I mean, we all know His ways are higher than ours, so up must be the right direction. And direction is exactly the thing I want to type about.

Some rungs are harder or farther apart which causes us to loose our hope, but it really doesn't matter what our rate is. The only thing that matters is our direction. This was an idea that was introduced to me in a temple preparation class by a man who converted to Mormonism from Judaism. He said that it was a common belief that (and he drew a picture to explain what he meant) at the time of judgement grace becomes very important because of a simple point that many of us miss, that we only need to be headed in the right direction, that is our choice. (note: Grace is a good Stargate SG-1 episode, or is it Gracie?) The real purpose of this life is to see if we will choose the better option which is the top of the ladder or if we just give up after falling too many times.

Ok, Now it has been sufficiently prefaced, so I'll say it, though my fear is I will still be misunderstood, but does that really matter? Ok, each organized reigion provides a whereabouts of rungs. They give peace of mind and cause for faith and understanding, but it is how and the only way I can understand most people survive life, but it is not the only way; however, Jesus Christ *is* the only way. The scriptures teach the proper way to live, but even in classes we learn that many (and I love how C. S. Lewis puts it in "the great divorce") Heaven will not be filled with those who we expected. It also explains why hypocrisy is so ugly to me. Many who will climb up high on the ladder will turn to look at those below them, which ought never be done, hence we are told not to compare ourselves or think we are better just because we have successfully climbed higher than others. Direction is essential, not height. The higher yare, the greater they fall or more wisely put, "Where much is given; Much is required."

Love is like perfection

just because I don't love you or don't think you are what i need doesn't mean you are not perfect for someone else.

Twilight

ok, I like to believe that I have outgrown my teenage impulses, but Brandall was right that outwardly I appear mature, but I've not really grown up. I have been using my "figure life out" time to devise a plan to go see the new Twilight movie, My band director told me that where there was a will there is a way when I told him that I wanted to practice my trombone daily, but I had track practice after school a hour walk away, And we met in an old locker room, where I would not be able to securely deposit it in thw interim. But, he was right. I heard the same sentiment on a TVshow when asked how a dead ody could have been placed 30 min away by that particular killer. the reply was, let the prosecution imagine that one out. I figure that was how the development of my keen figuring skills began. Trying to find the way to fit all of my wills. Being without finances helps, too. but, when I explained that to Brandall sayimng that I wanted to raise our family poor and hard working, he didn't particularly like that thought. But, in a interview before we got married we were told "You are always going to be poor." I thought he was prophetic or something but, then he explained, "As you make more money, more things arise to take your money. So, do not place your value there or you will always be heart broken and immobilized," I think that applies to me right now. Edward Scissor hands tried to apply fir a loan, too and was denied. He didn't end up needing it. So maybe I have been looking at money as the sole key to open my shackles, but it may be a key, but not the one I'm looking for. Great Scott, Now, I'm quoting Star Wars!

My wise men video

I am very displeased with it, but am too tired to do much else with it. My laptop was running out of memory/pagefile space. So I was enduring complications galore! Oh well, it's over and done with now, back to my regularly scheduled life.

playing church

This has been on my mind alot. Ever since I was an early teen I was disturbed greatly by the nymber of others who were giving all of the right answers but failed to apply them.

I also was most upset by this practice that is readily used by college students. I lost most respect I had for lawyers and doctors and I wondered if anyone else was really learning what we were being taught or if they were all just "Playing School". No one daed skip classes, but though they were there, they didn't let the words of the teacher effect them or cause them to learn.

I have always been so much in love with Isaiah who said "blah, blah, blah" lol. just seeing if you were paying attention. "With their lips they do honor me, but their hearts are far from me..." now filling my mind causing my current thought process to escape before I could pin it down in text. I have been reasearching this idea alot: "My ways are not your ways" The Lord's ways are so much higfher than ours that we often cannot even undersatand them, and we toos out what we don't understand because there are plenty of things we do understand that we don't live yet. Now, I'm thinking about the warning to first seek to know then to share, I learned in a book I read about being a teacher that said that to be a good teacher, master your subject. It makes sense.

I just watched

I am in the process or recalling my favorite scene, when I do, I'll post it. but, It looks like I'll have to make it myself. But, here is the trailer. uhm, There are way too many reasons why I love this movie. The music is by Danny Elfman. Winona Ryder and Anthony Michael Hall need I say more? If you haven't figured it out yet, keep trying. This is unrelated, but this is my facebook, and accordingly, I'll post whatever I want. It pleases me to say that one of my favorite favorites of all time is a book by George Pace "Our Search to Know the Lord". I read it at precisely the right time in my life. Rarely that happens, like it did with "Jane Eyre", "Pushing Daisies" Season 2 Episode 8 and then tonight I got that same feeling when I read Alma's words to his son, Helaman, in Chapter 36 of Alma in the book of Mormon. I recognize this formative feeling and it is responsible for shaping who I am. But enough of that, on with the flick:



I'll put the other clip I make right here

incase I don't get around to it, I'll mention that I was listening to an old cd Brandall gave me of music I had done for a Christmas program years ago. I thought, crap, I was too good for this world! That's why I had to be disabled, with that much talent and beauty, I'd stick out and surely be recognized. This way, disabled, though I'm still pretty awesome (just realized it by noting what I ca do that I couldn't before opposed to what I can't do that I loved).

I love him!

He was just singing a song for me! Joseph is so darling. I cannot express how dear , I love him, he is to me, but just so Gavin doesn't get jealous I want to say that I love him, too and I love it when he serenades me.