The key

I always denied it to the point where I denied it to myself even, that my marital problems were financial. I still do not think they are the cause, but rather a manifestation.

I realized that the real thing I needed was employment. Then, I could buy a car, buy food, get presents for people who deserve them, and help pay to send my kids to college.

I never ever imagined my life even could turn out so horribly.  I have absolutely no money, and am not given any knowledge of how much money my husband even makes and certainly not how it is spent.  I only found out inadvertantly that he had spent all of the money specifically earmarked for Christmas on vehicle work. And it is a vehicle I am not allowed to drive for no other reason than my husband does not want me to. So, I walk everywhere, including walking the kids to school even in pouring rain. Strangers gave me an umbrella and money, because I had none. Strange, every need I have had has been taken care of by strangers while my husband does not even lift a finger to help with anything around the house or regarding the children. I am ok with that sort of abuse, but when it effects the children, I will not allow it.

I need a job so I can get a car and be able to drive my children places when it starts snowing. I almost find it too hard to bear in trying to get by with no money for the holidays. It was so terrible last year, when our gifts again, came from strangers, although appreciated, I vowed never again. So, I asked that the tax return money be set aside for Holiday spending (this is hard for me because with all of my being I want to move closer to my other kids who need me and the money could have been used that way, the previous year, oh nevermind)

I am getting too old to be dealing with finances, it is a thing for college students and young couples. I married the one Mormon guy whom I figure does not even know his duties because dileberate failure is unfathomable. I have had to deal with court summons and such regarding court cases involving my husbands debts that I was never even made aware of. If he was in such a position, he had no right to inagine he could support a family and then flippantly quit jobs cause he would not do what was expected. Yeah, that is what I am thinking. It is pretty disrespectful of your family when you cannot swallow your pride to be able to provide things like food or medical care even. I needed help very badly, to the point where I thought of extracting my teeth on my own, or maybe somehow getting imprisoned. The pain I endured exceeded labor pains. So, my church stepped in and actually paid for what would have ammounted to a very nice vehicle, to have my teeth fixed.

And it bothers me how much integrity, that is how I make it not about money, my husband lacks. He was baptized, which means he promised to do certain things, one of which is pay a generous fast offering. I honestly do not even see why he does  not want to, but he doesn't even pay a little. When boys come to privately accept (so not done in public) he either does not answer the door, or pretends to put money in an empty envelope. It really really really upsets me. But, again, I do not believe it has to do with the money, but the idea.

The thing that nudged me over the top was his false claim the most children are adopted to be abused. I said it was more likely birth parents who would abuse their children because there would be far less intervention so things could be done in private. I do not really have an opinion nor ever think of such things, it was off the top of my head. His comment was that I was blatently wrong and I just ought to keep looking at thongs through my rose colored glasses, etc. citing that he was a realist.

That is a final straw. If I were to take off my glasses of any kind it would be to acknowledge that I came here to be with like minded people, which he wasn't. I had been decieved. It is true, I believed  that he was a number of things that he wasn't. And I apologize if his measly little advancements have not given me enough reason to hope for better things, but that would be another  one of those rose colored things I see. It is unrealistic to think he was ever going to become a thing he wasn't.

I honestly think  that he assumes that without a job or car I am powerless. But, I think it is his tinted vision that sees impossibilities. I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. And so, I will. I am hoping to find a job.