If then

If I am going to play the blame game than I blame my testimony on Tal Bachman. Huh? You mean Joseph Smith, right? Easy to confuse the two. Hah! No, really I solidly believe the things the church teaches because my prayers were NOT answered.

As a teen, I typically fell in love with a pop star. Then, I was crushed when the one I was following went what I thought was astray. My husband who did not like my Tal Bachman obsession decided to free me to go persue him. Now, I was really heart broken, plus, Tal was happily married to the perfect woman anyway, with a large family, so rather than pray for my own family, who was in ruins, I decided to pray for his.

I found out that the couple was divorcing. I felt soooooo terrible, was this somehow my fault for secretly being in love with him. I really wasn't being secretive at all cause my exhusband told me I got what I wanted, it was open season now. Urrrgh! Not funny. I wanted this family to be together and I still do although there is no way to let them know how concerned I was. I did try. Ultimately, I decided to get remarried as soon as possible, so ideas of me stalking Tal would fade away and rebuilding a family of my own could consume me.

But, I still was constantly reminded of my role in trying to help him as he had help me, right? Honestly, to that point I was faking being moved to goodness by his insights. But, I struggled and left the church for a while and it taught me how badly I needed it, actually needed it. So, I determined to tell God all about my plans to pray with as much intensity as any living person could, not for myself, but for that perfect family who needed to be together, right?

The gospel was a simple if then to me. If I prayed sincerely I would be heard and answered.  The entire gospel is predicated on that principle, seek then find. I would ask, as he needed my help, so I did, but it was not enough, and a pal said that he was where he was because of temple blessings.

That's  it!!

I just lacked faith enough to work t g e kind of miracle needed, so I could get others to pray for him, and surely one would have the needed faith, like Alma when he prayed for his son!

I did not know what to expect, but figured that God always thanks people. So, I was giving my all to help save this patriarch so that his family might know what they deserved to know including a happiness in this life. Meanwhile, my life started to fall apart.

Every parent learns to recognize early warning signs, but my talent is to become oblivious to increasing amounts of catastrophe. I did realize that mothing was going to happen for all of my efforts, so I instead turned my focus inward and while I was studying I realized that my prayer was heard if it was not answered it was because no one was listening, but then came the best part! I had been thinking it and knowing by deduction and reasoning is rediculous, so instead I listed to how I felt, and I knew that the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was truly revealed from God and that even though my attempts to if then things into knowledge, likely my life was not long enough.

Even if everything I knew failed, what I know by way of testimony will remsin constant and sure. Because I know this, I will continue to pray for him, but wether or not my miracle ever comes does not matter, it was in feeling like I was needed, sorta like a fireman or hero fit to rescue someone, I owe anything I can muster to a non-stop effort to help him gind the peace every man needs, unfortunately we do not realize we need it unless we loose it. Like we learned in English Lit. about a bird in a cage doesn't feel caged because they never knew freedom in the first place.

J'ai du travaille,o hay much trabajo. So much has been neglected so that I can jot this down.