Reminder

After thousands of years and relationships it was foolish to think I had a solution, it is rarely done for a reason, but to think that I actually had a solution that had somehow been missed for years is utterly rediculous.

When I was in the hospital barely alive I thought a thing that I need to remember. I suddenly thought beauty of form doesn't matter, even accomplishments don't. Who I am and what I decide does. I devided that I wanted to live and do it right. By that I meant to not be confused or misdirected by things that do not actually matter.

Ok, now on to marraige. I was divorced and all I can take from that is that who I was was not valued, no problem that cannot be remedied. As I looked for a husband this time I would look for what truly mattered and disregard what seemed important.

I thought this was a great secret to solving the troubles of marital strife, especially one that changes when our condition does. But, as time went on, I started to return to becoming a lot like everyone else and less like the person I thought I was,  I started worrying about my appearance and my abilities, to the point of obsession.

The me, from the hospital, cringed and screamed in my head, "what a waste be glad you are not chading those things and are not valued because of them, but despite them.

But, that's not where I was going with this. I made a list of things that matter to me and being attractive was not one of them at that point in time. I made a list of attributes my partener would have...oh that's another thing...don't you hate the word love? I thought I loved people I wanted and then I actually did feel love for others who I confused with the idea of loving them, which is not the case, it is confusing though. So, at one point I decided that Nick, my husband, was the embodiment of things that mattered and were essential, but is not at all what is taught to be valuable. He is neither rich, attractive and is not outwardly caring at all. In fact, he is pretty offensive and difficult to get along with. The world teaches that this is bad and strife should be avoided in order to achieve love. At several points, I thought I was having a more eternal perspective, but actually I was just lengthening my mortal perspective to the point that comprehension goes.

There will be trials even if I chose correctly. I had troubles when I married an attractive Mormon musician dude, but if I married the one no one expected I would be happy, right? Nope. Not that simple. What matters is if it will be worth it, and that I do not know.

But, God does, and if I can trust him enough, then I do not even have to worry about things that are not essential for me to worry about. He requires many things, but man only can actually think about one thing at a time. I heard a guy refer to a mind as a stage and he said that there was no such thing as multi-tasking, it is a slight of hand type trick like magic. People appear to multi-task, but actually they can only think of one thing at a time.  Likewise, I can only make one choice at a time, and I learned another valuable thing in high school when I had to decide between two conflicting events. My parents taught me that if there is no obvious hierarchy or priority then I need to look to the time that I made the commitments and remember that I gave my word. I promised to love Nick, and with that my choice was made I do not need to constantly remake it.