cold and tired

I'm freezing and want to go to bed, but foremost I am a mother, and that is the littlest challange I will face today.

crud. I hate it when that happens. I had something to say, oh yeah!

I remembered why I got married. It was because being single seemed the most terrible thing I could imagine, and I considered myself fortunate to be wed to such a great man.

note: I said nothing about being in love now or ever.

I want to pray.maybe I will go an get Mary Anne to pray with me. heh, I nearly typed prey.

why women love the internet

In one word the answer to why women love to be online is Pintrest, but it is not that simple, they hate that they love it, too. Have you thougt about this, well, if you think while you read, and if you read this you might understand one reason.

I was cleaning the house thinking of a party game for little kids, baking cookies and picking out everyone's church clothes and was thinking, I want to get online or finish watching torchwood. to relax? I started thinking about how I grow accustomed to doing many things at once so much so that I don't like down time too much. I like to be accomplishing something while planning the next task.

at the end of the day I relax and do nothing but think. And what else would I think of but everything I failed to accomplish? So, I both love and hate the internet.Being online makes me feel busy, while I am truly accomplish nothing that I intended to that day.

Pintrest, seems delightful to learn from all of the brilliance out there, in particular mothers in my situation, but instead it makes,me feel stupid and that my own creativity, if compared, falls far short of what seems to be praised and will no doubt become the new norm. It also forces me to take note of all the things others are doing with their time and money. Just looking at other's project is like reading to increase your ignorance. The more you are aware of, the more you are made aware of the things you do not have, nor likely ever will.

It was funny, I told my first husband that I wanted my children to grow up poor. At the time he obliged, but I do not think he understood yet. My current husband lives like a wealthy person, but expects me to live happily in squallor, as long as his needs are met. I honestly do not think he sees me as a real live person. I'm just a nonpaid live in maid/nurse who could quit if I wished, another reason I love the internet, an escape, like that show (which I never saw) The housewives of Orange County. I can only imagine the ways screenwriters document their need to escape.

no one ever EVER asks

Because no one has ever asked nor are they likely to ask so I haven't really given it much thought, but if I thought about it I would have the distinct pleasure of disliking what I like.

 I like tall, strong, intelligent, and thins highly of me (unrealistic I have learned the hard way). People that come to mind are Sephiroth or Sam Wincester on Supernatural. A supercute guy was Peter on Heroes. Speaking of heroes, I suppose most of them fit, except for the liking me part.

Guys are easier to figure out, they like one type and all women want to look like that.

I do not like guys who are a liability or  love me as far as I happen to look like their ideal. What upsets me is that if I were completely honest with myself, I would want something that is not realistic, and not fair to men in general. I would not like my husband at all, but I do recognize that it is all superficial anyway.

No one is as perfect as I would want even if I increase my search perameters to include all appearances.

What really matters anyway?

Lots of things struck me as noteworthy as I reviewed the day, but one idea prevailed. in RS we discussed the topic of which side were we on and how even a fraction of the wrong life would not allow the spirit to be with us and though it might seem hard or restrictive to obey every rule happiness is not our goal, but it happens when we choose God's side.

It made me write down on apiece of paper a road one direction was a smile and the other was a frown (the misery that prevails if we choose to head that way). I cannot recall what I wrote (that's why I wrote it) It said something about it mattering more which way we were headed than how far we were.

This idea fits snuggly with many other great ideas, Like the notion of not judging a person's worth by how much they accomplish.

I thought about my music theory teacher who taught us to learn the rules before we break them, though, I thought our whole point was to learn to write better music. It is how we are with so many rules, it is only as we are older that we realize that happiness comes from choosing the best. One comment that hit home with me in so many ways was "When I start to rationalize or reason a thing out then I know that it is not the right thing." When asked how do we measure our success in staying on the Lord's side?

Without details lots of people told of really difficult choices where the right was not obvious. I liked the comment that it seems to boil down to good, better, and best. The adsversary is more cunning and has more sucesess with his targets if he gets them to do good things so often they don't have time for the best. That comment made me think of the thing that my mother told me that everyone has trials suited for them. Then shockingly, when asked, "how does the adversary target us?" the RS president said that he aims for our weaknesses. Well put.

I just kept thinking "You need to think some more on this. Something isn't making sense even if everyone agrees". It made me wonder about the whole notion of Good and better when making choices. It seemed that earlier we had learned that everything was black and white, one side or the other. I out right disagreed with one lady's dilema (only mentally). She thought everyone seemed to whole-heartedly agree. Her choice was between spending time with family or going to church. This other lady offered a solurtion that suggested that the peace and happiness from going to church could be found elsewhere. Nope. That was just wrong. I didn't know why at first, but I knew it was wrong. But, that is exactly how I thought as a youth or even in my music theory class. The point was that peace and contentment was not our goal, but doing what is right or legal is our goal.

It makes my choices so obvious. I do not want to be with Nick or his family forever. They are excellent people though and I want to do what is best for my children. And, I was thinking that it was a good, better, best problem, but I need to refocus on what really matters, not how happy I will or will not be. It doesn't matter what is best but what is right.

I want to conclude this rant with another quote, "We are tripped up most by things that seem good at the time, but they will bring nothingless than couterfiet happiess." Uh, I should have explained that it was not a direct quote, but how I understood what was said. Sorta like a translation of scripture though I meant well, I might have understood it differently. additional scripture: Luke 12:19

memory buttons

I watched Indiana Jones and the Ceystal Skull the other day. Initialy, I was not too fond of it, but, for some reason there was a line that pushed one of my buttons. I remember very few things, I am not sure but perhap my brain was damaged and it doesn't make connections as quickly. but there was a line where Marianne says to Indy that she is sure that there have been many others since her, and he admits that there have been, but there was always the same trouble. which lead her to inquire what that trouble was. This scene would not have been of much interest to me at the time, I admit it. But then he said simply, that none of them were her.

This was paying over and over in my head this evening as I went about my duties, until a button was pushed and this response was triggered. My response was an understanding. I understood that I was not a bad person and that there was no "Problem" to tell me about though I said that I didn't need one and was still looking for it, Only now dI really "get it." and simply do not need a reason for my failed attempts. it is due to my nature to only accept perfection as the goal, it does not allow me to settle with less, which is more than others and I realize that and I ought to be happy with the life that I have here to for lived, but I am not happy with mediocrity in any form be it higher than normal anyway.

So, I have had my intentions totally misunderstood, and had to assume the part of the "bad guy" but I have never been the bad guy just one who feel short of my intentions and tried to adjust.

Hegel's mashups

Ok the idea of dialectics is that to reach a sythesis you have to start with a thesis and then an antithesis and then in our buzz terms is known as a mashup. You mash 'em up into one, so synthesis is alot like what commonly refered to as a mashup. Clear?

Ok, this morning, I was thinking alot about my skill and love of acting and how it had gone to waste. Even past teachers noticed this skill, including a 2nd grade teacher, a 5th grade teacher and my music lit teacher who assigned me opera thifnking that my "dramatic flare" as my dad calls it would find a home. I did notice something peculiar though, but let me start with a leading passion SCUBA. Why on earth would I love it so much when I am afraid of the things that live in the water, they're just wierd! Well, I love SCUBA because it combined so many of my interests into one. It required a lot of skill or physical stamina and agility and mathmatics and science and a whole lot of planning, and it gave me something to look forward to during the week. it was my goal o make money so that I could support my habit of diving. You get to explore alot. I love t think of the oceans as our last frontier, I think diving paraleels being an astronaut, with out all the special clearance and training.

Since I was hospitalized I have not been able to dive, although not having a uterus ought to make me a great candidate, but my real talents that I have notice thus far, which have remained. I take this as a sort of hint as to what I ought to do.

I thought that I really liked poetry. I really loved music. And I always loved to act. Well, I suppose that music performance is just a mashup of poetry and acting. I was listening to a great performance and was being critical then it occurred to me that most performers, musicians, do not actually write or mean the words they sing, but rather put on a show pretending, like and actor, to mean what they are saying, but they don't, not really. Ah hah!  It was so obvious, and I consider myself a slueth! Fooey, the clues were right before me all long but I just now realized it, because I was studying what makes others such great performers, while I am not great and do not know how to start.

Stuff in my head

This is just disjointed enough to be classified as facebook stuff. You know, the stuff no one cares to know, but you tell them anyway.

I call "Whiter Shade of Pale" Joseph's song because it ws playing in the OR as Musak when he was born, and it is indellibly in my memory like that. Associated with the birth of Joseph. Bur, really, as I listened more earnestly it really is about Mary's birth. the most comment made afterwards was that it was nice to see me the shade I was supposed to be. It was after being in the recovery room for hours, where I felt like I didn't belong. the other people looked near death and in really bad shape, but I was fine and just excited to see my baby! Strange that wasn't the first time that my baby was instantly taken away and people were concerned with me, I was not the point. anyway, catergorized as fb stuff.

I remember the Christmas of 84 or fairly close, thenm the date was not impotant to remember. I had watched and recorded "Amadeus" off of WGN. and I was obsessed. It was a very impressionable time for me. I recorded George Scholti's birthday partyon cassette and traded walk man with my cousin Desire' (blue and Maroon) I laid down in the yard in a snow drift staring best I could up at the sky. It was snowing and not very bright. I was listening to Mozart's Requiem Mass and was so completely (words cannot be found for this feeling) It is alot like that song "Chasing cars". I didn't care if the snow buried me because my entire exsistance was focused on the music I heard at that point in time. It is alot like the scene I watched again yesterday to try and understand, from Star Trek "Insurrection". Where thy realize time is relative and chose to suspend it for a while.

I wanted to be a paleontologist and asked for everything dinosaurs, so I named them all something to do with Mozart. Up until college I let my mind focus on him and his music. I even gave my informative speech on the REAL history of Mozart. If we met, I would not be at a loss. I would recognize him. but later in college I somehow lost apprection and respect for him and deemed his music trite and childlike.

It is odd the paralells, to me, of Mozart, or Gottlieb, what a name. Ooooh! hot off the presses, just in this thought about FF, And a documentary about afterlife. Watch the final scene from Crisis Core and think about GOD being light and love. Anyway, it is mostly in minor impressions that I think of Tal Bachman the same way I do Mozart. They were both extremely gifted, and terribly miscomprehended, There are so many paralells. The biggest difference is that I was actually in the same room as the latter, which thing I have not yet done with Mozart, though I still intend to make it tp Salzburg one day, and at least touch something he did, Who knows how air recirculates, maybe I am breathng some air that filled his lungs, though we never got to exsist near on another. I have benefitted greatly by his ummm, legacy.

big blog

Today I decided that the biggest difference between now and then is stupidly in my comparison. I always thought that I was too young, and now I am too old, but I missed out on when I was like the little bear's porrige.

No more. I am the right age. I realized that I am old enough and am still young. I really ought not be wasting this opportunity away. True, I am young for my age, but that is a blessing. I get the wisdom that comes with age, and the beauty that comes with youth.

The next thought is regarding then and now, so obvious in Pres. Eyring's talk today. Maybe things are different now to help me or force me, as it SEEMS to do what is best. Peter was a fisherman then after Jesus left, he became a fisher again, sort of dismissing his life as an apostle to go back to fishing. The resurrected Lord asked, not in our vernacular though, "Hey Peter, what on earth are you up to? Are you resistant to understanding or something?"

Lastly,  my mind has been preoccupied in a loop. Alot of people call it love, but I have an idea of how to show true love, finally. Obsession can remind me of my goal so I won't try to eliminate it. But, I am so entirely in love that it goes beyond wanting to be near someone or be with them even. I will be more concerned with their welfare and use whatever power I have to help, which probably involves me going away, as rediculous as that sounds.

It's about structure

The thing that seems to go against creativity is actually what I can cling to. It is not my lack of ability that stops me from composing, even the desire is there. My desire does not lead me to writing.

 I like writing because I note the structure. It is the forms that allow me to create such great and acceptable masterpieces. In college, I always cheated by changing the given to fit what I wanted, and a professor was nice enough to teach me a lesson about how Music theory was more about learning the rules than breaking them. Even before I took any classes I was astounded when I took form and analysis that I had instinctively been writing in forms all along cause it sounded right.

Probably my biggest hero was J.S. Bach, who story goes, he was forbidden to have music and a piano, so he took music to his attic and by candlelight copied music in secret. I believe it was in this dutiful, uninspiring act that he learned the "rules" of harmony that we all are sort of forced to learn in order to create good music.

In college, my dad had a friend who took it all very literally and wrote a computer program that used all of the "rules" we learn about writing harmonic music (from Bach chorales). His program "composed" pieces that were perfect as far as the rules go, but lacked that something that truly great pieces have.

I was impressionable and so, I figured that to write the great songs I had to be open to inspiration and not be limited by the rules. I wonder if I ought to include my next thought, because the credit goes to "Pinky Dinky Doo" and I hate admitting how much I learn from those types of silly programs, but the episode was about how she and her brother questioned rules, but in the end they discovered that rules or laws were not just arbitrary (sp?) but actually had a purpose. I loved it , face it, we give a lot of commands to our children and do not tell them why.

What we do not explain is that it is to protect them, and as little children, it is enough to obey maybe because of the retribution we receive if we do not obey (punishment) but, sooner or later every child will grow up and have questions so they need to feel or know that the laws will actually protect them. I learned today that the rules and structure allow me a realm for my creativity, and frankly, it needs a place and direction now, that will save me, in a sense.

Addendum: Tonight Joseph tried to break a law. I made it clear that we do not get to pick and choose which laws we obey and littering is a crime. Ok. I'm a hypocrite, but I don't litter and tell my kids that downloading wii games and Pokemon movies that we do not buy is not acceptable and is considered stealing (even if to me it seems foolish, I heard a song in the grocery store that said it best "It's all been done")

Apathetic skills

It is no use! I wonder if my memory is off . I bet I was never good to begin with. Either way, writting songs is just not my thing. If it was I would have had a bit f success by now, and I just do not want t comeup with a great expination/story to explain why every piece of garbage I compose is precisely that. I used to be a whole lot better with about all that trainiing and crap. That is why I think of persuing other tasks, because I am less knowledgeable hence less critical and find more joy in doing it. I think it is alot like the grl who is ugly and successful because she is praised for having so much confidence, but really all she has is ignorance. She is oblivious to the fact the she is suchmuch uglier than everyone else. Aso, I have been thinking alot this evening about what someone said in passing. The jist was that with talents, no one hs said what makes a talent yet, so we do not know if we "take it with us" but we doknow that "You use it or loose it." It was said in response to my seeking advice regarding my thoughts of wether I would be able to run again, it is not a muscular issue, and would I, like a bike be able to just take off and run again, or would apathy be so set in that I would have to relearn.