the silly things I think...

this is an unabreviated version (uncensored I should say) of what I thought in our lesson on Sunday. It was about the signs of the second comming and the teacher was writting things on the board that were found in the scriptures. I laughed to myself as she wrote love waxing cold cause really I instanty thought about halloween.

I made costumes because that was what I asked for for my birthday present, but suprise, it never happened, so early that morning I made Nicks costume, As we got reasy to go I told him that his outfit was erfect no one would ever guess, so I gave him a piece of cardboard. Mine said Undercover FBI agent. his said Loving parent, but he refused to wear it. So, I gave it to a neighbor.

Why would I thik of this is regards to the second comming of Christ? Well, naturally, a paentis supposed to love his child, but Nick wouldnt even wear the costume for a we bit,in the pitch dark. This seems some how unnatural to me, and an example oflove wxing cold. We were quite cold. :) Though, not as cold a last year.

microwaved head anyone?

Just thinking about how funny it was when Gavin did something to make me furious and I said, Boy you are lucky I dont microwave your head! Then later on a walk I was explaining how we do not do somethings that we think of and we ought to not even say them so that we can stop thinking them as well.

Brooksie asked me Well, you couldnt really microwave Gavins head, anyway, could you? So we discussed the logistics and Gavin was getting angry with our banter. Finally, I assured him that he wouldnt feel a thing anyway, he would already be dead because I would have to chop off his head first. He then said, Oh, you are joking again, huh? You couldnt get my head off. So I grabbed him around the neck and said Well, let us see. he started screaming and ran away. So I told the girls I would just feed him to the dogs near the church. ha ha ha, then after we passed the fence Brooksie said well,I guess you wont be feeding those dogs today. Gavin said I heard it was their fast Sunday!

I shoulda' known

I really should have suspected there was a reason for it. I was very ill this morning, but I felt almost like writting a conclusion letter. The concluding would be solely on my part because there was nothing recipicolaly to be concluded. But, really, it isn't the first time I was completely full of gratitude for the driving force pushing me on to better myself. I noticed in high school how I get by according to what is expected of me, so I wanted to surround,myself with people and ideas that I wanted to emulate. I felt like I might be a tad bit annoying to the casual dreamer, and I was so sorry for not respecting enough, really I felt very foolish and humbled.

It was at this point that I started thinking about forever again, though. I thought about how Nick really doesn't DESERVE anything. Yeah, he is a good person, and occasionally a very wise one, you know the sort, most consider him a friend. He is friend of everyman, and I am proud to be associatedwith him t most tmes. I was thinking about a comment he made which made me feel proud to be associated with him he said, " People do not stay long in our ward. They are all newlyweds or Nearly Deads."

My thought is that he is everyman's friend, and we really do not have much in common. Sure it can be said that no matter how we got there, we both ended up in the same place, but you can say that about a doctor and their patient, too, but you wouldnt want the patient to perform surgery. I had been thinking about how luky people are to grow up in Utah. it really is such an ideal place. But I was just telling someone the otherday how we tend to need resistance to grow correctly. A Philosophy professor asked me if I was a philosophy major after class. I told him that I was just Mormon. Confused he asked me why that would make a difference. I told him that I had to know what I believed and why I believed it.

The past is what was used to create the pool of experiences which we now swim. uh, yeah, having said that, I do not dismiss the likelihood of people changing, but Nick had an awesome mother (so I am told) and no doubt lots of positive peer pressure and he chose to abandon it. Likewise, He got a second chance to be sealed forever to an awesome family, but he chooses somethng else. He decided that what he decides in his time frame is the only thing that matters, meanwhile...

The point was that I was intending to write an actual letter showing gratitude for being made aware of one amid an exsistance of millions of others, and that I would forever be thankful, etc. etc.etc. but, I spent most of this night dreaming of all of the awesome opportunities I intended to take advantage of and all of the things I would do IF ONLY I could. I find myself  back on this rollercoater ride and I want off! I hate this! No getting around it. I suppose it is Romantic, really perfect things cannot last.

banish fear

I just heard something that my current perspective clung to as important So, I'll jot it down in case my perspective changes and forgets this truth. Jesus Christ not only was resurrected so he lives somwhere right now, but he gave us the awesome gift of not ever having to fear death, or as Moiarity talks about in "Elementary Dear Data" and "Ship in a bottle". the prospect of ceasing to exsist. With Christ mortality has no end, so we can banish fear.

when is something right?

It is simpler than you might think to know something is right. Feelingsomething is right mibitgravithy, meaning if you have never felt it's opposite you may not notice. "... It knows not how it sounds..." according to Annie Lennox. Last night "Anonymous" was right, and this evening "Terra Nova" was right. Because, I found myself agreeing with everything. There are a number of things to choose from constantly, but when we choose the right one, the example I gave was in video, when we choose the right one we feel right about it, if you ever have chosen the wrong you will feel a distinct difference between it and what is right. Then, our tas hs been made much easier by having things like scriptures or organized religon tell us what to choose, so that we do not have to choose the wrong one or ever feel it to know the right. I will explin it in terms that are easier to understand. When we are feeling well, or healthy, we are happy. When we feel sick we are miserable. Some people teach how to always be healthy. and really, it is when we feel sick that we realize how much better it is to be healthy, so we teach our children to be healthy and use memorized methods t do this. Yeh, we are happier, but being happy really wasn't the purpose of being healthy, as being miserable isn't the helpful part of getting sick. It is just related, it reminds me of a stargate episode, but I'll spare you, it was simply about a circumstance that exsisted to protect the people by killing themselves, though itwas not the purpose that they believed. So, though religon might be called any number of things, anything that teaches us to chose the right things is good happiness is a side-effect of doing what is right, not the reason to do or not do it. I was specifically thinking in terms of movies right now, and how my religon teaches me not to watch rated R movies, and onemight think what the heck does a religon think? There is no religious jurisdiction over what I watch, and there are some "wrong" thing to watch that might make us feel happy.

I know what you mean...yeah right.

First off, it is highly unlikely that any two minds have the potential to even comprehend one another, but I want to adress how offensive I find the creation of such a phrase. It is one to be used with others to create a sense of security, but it is just an empathetic counterfeit. A real understanding is desirable but it cannot be duplicated, and requires no vocal communication.

Whew! that was a lot of words but I still failed to communicate what I was really thinking about in the first place.

I was thinking about  how I think about my mom's sense of smell or how others sense anything and then we use words that are agreed to mean something universal. For instance, if I think something is blue. I teach my children that whatever it is they see that we are looking at we refer to it as blue, but I have no simple way to know that what we both refer to as blue is the same color. And I was thinking about how people like stories they can relate to.so that they can liken it to things they do not understand, but it is not sure that what is being said by the author is translating to mean the same thing to the reader.

Lastly, saving it for last means it must be the most important, I was thinking about how people try to interject little comments when trying to listen and be helpful by saying, "Yeah, me, too". or, "I know what you mean." When seriously, no matter how well meaning they might be they could not comprehend what you are saying the way you are saying it. Language is flawed! In this paragraph, I wanted toinclude a tid bit about language that I picked up from my roomate from Japan. She didnt say I know but constantly made sounds, It bothered me when listening (eaves dropping) to her phone conversations, until she expained that they were just noises made to let the speaker know that you were listening. I notice the excessivde use of Hmm in FinalFantasy 7 videos. but, in perspective, it is less like Oh in English but more like I know, not in definition, but it function.

But, I have said so much before in the phrase, "Everyone has a story." and really even when we try to hear other stories we only hear what they describe in terms of what our own story tells us about life. I was specificaly refering to things, thoughts in particular, that I have ascribed to people. That become part of them or their personality, a far as I know, which might be totally false. I am always thinking about things that people say or do And I think "oh, such and such cares about that." An example might be that someone talks about portion conrol and I instantly think, "That's something Michael Moore cares about." Alot of things I think about people, like what they would care about or think about something, have no real origin.like in college, I got really embarassed anytime people talked about Jane Eyre infront of one guy. I actually blushed visibly and was extremely untrusting of my "microexpressions" when someone jokingly said, "What? does he have an insane wife hiding upstairs?" But, really, no one would ever even suspect anything or have a clue as to what I was thinking with out outward indications. duh! I learned to mask myself better subsequently, though I still get embarassed by little harmless things that happen, even though they would not cause the same ideas in others even if they said "I know."

That's another silly thing about "I know." If I tell a little story about a girl who gets lost in the woods and every tree starts to look the same until she remembers that someone told her that moss grows on a certain side of the trunk, She gains her bearings and continues on to familiarity where eventually she finds her home and lives hapily ever after. I may have just given someone the answer to their life-long dilemma. Unwittingly they tell this story to someone else thinking that they are bearing their soul because to them it means something very personal, so when someone half-listening says, "I know" to them saying that "we have indications like the moss on trees all around us." The person agreeing only meant that "yes, the sun is not the only way to tell which was is east." But, now, the first person believes that this listener has had a similar situation in their life. I think that happens to me.

I was watching a cartoon with the kids today, ooh another one came to mind, too. In the frst cartoon, a child tells their parent something about what a friend said and wisely the parent asks, "what did they actually say?" To me, that was popularly admitting that we all believe things the way we want to understand them. The second cartoon was a Veggie Tale called the "Rumour weed." Where a rumor gets started based on truth that was spoken, but misunderstood. The parent solved the trouble by asking the child to make sure they understand the words others use before concluding things and telling others things that might cause hardship for another. That's fine and all, but I do not see the need of including the latter part at all anyway, because who decides what is going to cause a hardship?

I think of a lot of the jokes Elmo tells which poke fun at the things we say that are true in meaning, but not necessarily in definition. In the Best of Elmo 2, Elmo tells a robot that they need to HOP to it. ofcourse we all KNOW what he meant,but the robot only knows what it is defined as. Sort of humorous, too is when Elmo prtends tobe a letter Y and the robot guesses Y but Elmo keeps answering Why.

body evolution

There were times that my body could be defined as a gangly zitty teen, a sexy something, a pregnant lady and the list goes on I was always told, you'll be pretty when you grow up or that I have a different body type is all. but, I'm just not feeling any completion in any of those ideas, and maybe that is why metaphors like being like a butterfly work because they define your being as requiring a constant hope, well, I do not kniw what I am becoming, but it is something and it isn't "the change" that all women refer to when your purpose is,no longer defined by you ability to procreate. I am going through a change regardless, and I just wonder what stays with me that has always been and forever will be and remain, I want to work on that, not at being the best something or other whatever that may,be to be the best. birth and death are pretty constant and we define someone as a bab or a sik, elderly person. but, what if a person is elderly and neither sick nor dying? but, they6 are different tyhan they were so when did they change or is thaty just another transition?

what happened

today, even,in my delerium from no sleep while nursing a vomiting child and preparing for an honestly thankful dinner, I sqeeked out this thought trying to figure out, with enough distance from my unexpected tragedy to answer some serious questions, honestly and unbiased.

First off I still defend my obsession as healthy and normal. It is an extremely common thing to find a young woman who idolizes a certain type of person and find it in those who are commonly put in front of her. I did not only have one person who I esteemed much more than unusual. But, when I read about things that other "fans" had done I thinkthat I was not a Fanatic. I just appreciated things more than the,casual "layman". For instance, I read that Adam Duritz started a record lable and mailed him demo cassettes of,very poor quality, believing that he would sense something great even if it was still in progress. But, even a fiance' found my interest in Counting Crows a little disconcerting and asked me to stop listening to them so much.

so, I really didn't think anything about making known to others how much I idolized other musicians, I figured it was simething that everyone did and guys hated, but that was that. I reviewed how my husband expressed his dislike of my current obession, maybe because Iwas supposed to have outgrown it. I do not really understand it yet, but he went so far as to sort of "tell on me". I honestly do not think I ever even spoke of my musical super hero anyway, but Brandall thought enough to totally blow my appreciation out of perspective and tell my parents that I only married him because I thought that he was alot like some other guy, which frustrated me, but I honestly didn't take such an outrageous thing seriously.

I really ought to explain that he had an undeniable amount of truth to his little tattle, but he had it all messed up in his mind. It really was something that ought to be flattering to him, but that brings me to the next disclosure that he made to me about his first wife, who I was a lot like, but never claimed that he only married me,because hecouldn't have her so I was the next best thing. Really, though, now that's how I feel. He said that she married him because she thought that he would become someone, really, he is talented enough, It was really all a matter of priorities. I think that he also applied that sort of thought to me. Sort of silly, I never ever thought he would accomplish anything musically, though I helped in little ways like in assisting his recording and pressing of cds and promotion.

Still, I love the same things, though it has been suggested by others that It is like spinning my wheels in racing off after that car. But, seriously, I must remind myself that parts don't make the whole, a lot like I might love baking soda mixed in to a cookie, but I do not need to try a spoonful of baking soda to know that just because I love cookies and soda bread etc that I will necessarily like straight soda.

still, what the heck happened to bring me here?

I feel like I awoke into a whole new world and do not know really how I got here or what I ought to have gained by it all, but I know the padt is the past and tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!

quotes that make you go huh?

wisdom is a quality which I have






fortunately



















never posessed.

Random babble

I do not understand the compulsion I have to type things out, maybe it is because I am afraid that I'll get old or stop thinking and I get upset that I do not have more photos of myself and musical compositions from before I lost everything. I know that it is only temporary, but in that little interim, I would like to occupy my thoughts with what was, rather than inaccurately recall that I was much better than I could have possibly been, and lament my loss more than is necessary.

Today, I thought 2 things c/o stargate atantis.

1) how the most entertaining episodes mirrored my life at the time, only because it is fiction everything has a happy ending. note: I'm thinking of that episode where McKay endured a "second Childhood". He got sick with a parasite that was only able to harm him because his imune system was compromised, everyone else gets infected too likely, but their body fights it off successfully. I like the line where he says, "I have already lost more than most people ever have." It is interesting that people like him better as he begins to show signs of his progressive illness. I was thinking, yeah, people maybe it is better to not have him back in his full arrogance.

2) Trye captured Ronan who also was thought to be under Michael's influence, uh, I mean the wraith's. but his loyalty was still to John Shepherd, though no one knew it. I particularly paid attention to how such a pretended loyalty got him close enough to help what seemed an impossible situation, Ofcourse, everything ended well and fine. That reminds me of the trick used on the replicators in not letting Woolsey know the real plan so when he thought that he had betrayed his cohorts when he had his brain searched, and we as viwers believe all that we see to be true, but it is not. It is only as Woolsey believes it to be, which was part of the plan. He gives away a "secret" plot to escape, which was a partof the real secret plot to escape. I love that.

It just occured to me that reading blogs s like putting my hand in someone else's mind.

loop dee loop

I go in circles on this, right now I am in the part of a circular trail with my mental discusion where, I can understand things more clearly and I see how foolish I have been to hope such a foolish thing, but I have always hoped for foolish things like Rhett Butler in GWTW I like lost causes when they are truly lost. I feel happiest when I stop and look and see that my struggle was all imaginary, anyway. Well, not entirely. but the part of being figured out is, I remain insignificant!

Wii music and Vivaldi

I love Wii music. mostly because Joseph enjoys it so much. It is the perfect marriage of video games and composing music, and he is saying that he is a bad boy because his mii character is crying. This happens when he performs poorly. It really entertains me and the ids ove to do what they see mommy and daddy doing. Joe really thinks that he is that good, too so it instructs but makes self confidence stronger, a bit like pentatonic keyboards for kids, no matter what note they play they will sound good, which isn't really how it is, but I like how they are able to "sense and reflect" for themselves and not just be taught what works, then they mostly learn what I value and that if they do what I do they will sound like me, but sooner or later I'm going to die, and I am so happy that they are expiramenting and concluding on their own thus they can discover their own voice, not a copy of someone else. Now sometimes we just happen to be like someone else on accident, like the time I thought of the theory of relativity and was so excited, but when I started explaining it, someone laughed at me and assumed that I had been reading some book about it. It's all been done, so chances are my original thoughts and feelings are only new to me, but like Soft determinism just because someone knows it doesn't make your discovery any less significant.

This morning I remembered what I intended to say here, it was how watching Joseph play on wii music triggred a kind of maternal response, dare I call it love. And people accused Vivaldi of loving his pupil, but he denied it fully, I suppose people always delight in uncovering scandal, and if he were really in love, he wuld not deny it. duh!

I instantly thought of how Vivaldi used his incredible skill to create such a feeling in others who visited the orphanage. Maybe you don't know all about this Red Bearded concerto grosso.composer, so I'll expound.

Antonio Vivaldi who worked in an orphanage and had the title of "The Red Preist". Have you seen "Nacho Nibre"? His life was thought of when I saw this film. Anyway, the brilliant man wrote orchestral pieces that were easy enough to be accompanied by almost anyone that showcased a few gifted players, then the chldren played his music from behind a sheet and listeners were potential adopters who heard the fantastic music which enticed them to want to adopt. Pretty cool, huh?

Ok, this is a segue to the most interesting point of his past. He was dedicated to the preisthood by his mother in turn for his life it is rumored, but most interesting is that his uncanny popularity was never known in his life time. But, just because those who lived when he did did not appreciate his works, it did not stop him from persuing this as a passion. There is barely a soul alive today who cannot sing along with the four seasons, and we think of him as such an outstanding or glamorous composer, but I suspect with no fame there was no money. Besides, his compositions were not fueled by a lust for cash or esteem, but love of children. Awwwww!

I get it!

I can see the big problem with the enticings...

A child's prayer

Whenever a mother writes a story about her child it is fantastic for 2 reasons:
1) It is her own flesh and blood, whom she adores like none else and 2) it wouldn't be worth the time to stop chasing and such unless it was considered fantastic. I write my story for yet another reason 3) The child literally is of infinite worth and what he did was so mind blowing that it is considered fantastic to me!

The story goes, that we were playing cars in the bath tub, a rather usual activity for a todler boy, but I asked if he woud mind terribly if I could say a prayer, which meant I would not be giving voices to a few of the cars for a while. He got all quiet and said, "Oh sure. Mommy say prayer." So, I prayed and as I finished I looked at him and there he sat arms folded and eyes closed! he said "Amen. Again, mommy, again." I asked, "You want me to pray again?" he nodded affirmatively and gave me two thumbs up.

I told him that Heavenly Father did not really want to hear from me again, It would be redundant. But, he wanted to hear what Joseph had to say. I asked him to say a prayer by himself.  He opened perfectly, and thanked Heavenly father for his toys. He proceeded to ask that he could go to the park because he was a good boy. Then concluded perfectly.

I just wanted to give him a big hug. I was so happy. I got to thinking about what my friend Hannah had said about her son and I had just seen the primary program so I concluded that the children today must have an extra special spiritual nature and it is out duty as parents to gaurd and protect that! All my self-absorbed concerns faded away completely. My options were plain and simple there really was only one good choice and it was being made for me as this little boy prayed entirely by himself because he wanted to. My place was with him to see that he learn to make all of the best choices, and if we think our life is hard, I can only imagine how hard their's will be.

One time, casually, a woman told me that the most terrible time (so it seemed) in her life was when she honestly prayed for something very good. Without details she told me that we do not want to even know what our leaders go through to gain such strong testimonies.

Lastly, I want to conclude with a little tip I gave myself in college. I was alone in the dark in the music hall, I knew that it wasn't haunted because I was the one who started that rumor and had fun playing tricks on my classmates/teachers in the auditorium. But, I got really scared so I started to sing the song "A Child's Prayer" out loud "Heavenly father, are you really there? ..... Some say Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me when I pray..." and it worked I was not scared anymore. I used this trick everytime I started to get scared. I bet it would still work, although my fears have changed drastically.