I shoulda' known

I really should have suspected there was a reason for it. I was very ill this morning, but I felt almost like writting a conclusion letter. The concluding would be solely on my part because there was nothing recipicolaly to be concluded. But, really, it isn't the first time I was completely full of gratitude for the driving force pushing me on to better myself. I noticed in high school how I get by according to what is expected of me, so I wanted to surround,myself with people and ideas that I wanted to emulate. I felt like I might be a tad bit annoying to the casual dreamer, and I was so sorry for not respecting enough, really I felt very foolish and humbled.

It was at this point that I started thinking about forever again, though. I thought about how Nick really doesn't DESERVE anything. Yeah, he is a good person, and occasionally a very wise one, you know the sort, most consider him a friend. He is friend of everyman, and I am proud to be associatedwith him t most tmes. I was thinking about a comment he made which made me feel proud to be associated with him he said, " People do not stay long in our ward. They are all newlyweds or Nearly Deads."

My thought is that he is everyman's friend, and we really do not have much in common. Sure it can be said that no matter how we got there, we both ended up in the same place, but you can say that about a doctor and their patient, too, but you wouldnt want the patient to perform surgery. I had been thinking about how luky people are to grow up in Utah. it really is such an ideal place. But I was just telling someone the otherday how we tend to need resistance to grow correctly. A Philosophy professor asked me if I was a philosophy major after class. I told him that I was just Mormon. Confused he asked me why that would make a difference. I told him that I had to know what I believed and why I believed it.

The past is what was used to create the pool of experiences which we now swim. uh, yeah, having said that, I do not dismiss the likelihood of people changing, but Nick had an awesome mother (so I am told) and no doubt lots of positive peer pressure and he chose to abandon it. Likewise, He got a second chance to be sealed forever to an awesome family, but he chooses somethng else. He decided that what he decides in his time frame is the only thing that matters, meanwhile...

The point was that I was intending to write an actual letter showing gratitude for being made aware of one amid an exsistance of millions of others, and that I would forever be thankful, etc. etc.etc. but, I spent most of this night dreaming of all of the awesome opportunities I intended to take advantage of and all of the things I would do IF ONLY I could. I find myself  back on this rollercoater ride and I want off! I hate this! No getting around it. I suppose it is Romantic, really perfect things cannot last.