what happened

today, even,in my delerium from no sleep while nursing a vomiting child and preparing for an honestly thankful dinner, I sqeeked out this thought trying to figure out, with enough distance from my unexpected tragedy to answer some serious questions, honestly and unbiased.

First off I still defend my obsession as healthy and normal. It is an extremely common thing to find a young woman who idolizes a certain type of person and find it in those who are commonly put in front of her. I did not only have one person who I esteemed much more than unusual. But, when I read about things that other "fans" had done I thinkthat I was not a Fanatic. I just appreciated things more than the,casual "layman". For instance, I read that Adam Duritz started a record lable and mailed him demo cassettes of,very poor quality, believing that he would sense something great even if it was still in progress. But, even a fiance' found my interest in Counting Crows a little disconcerting and asked me to stop listening to them so much.

so, I really didn't think anything about making known to others how much I idolized other musicians, I figured it was simething that everyone did and guys hated, but that was that. I reviewed how my husband expressed his dislike of my current obession, maybe because Iwas supposed to have outgrown it. I do not really understand it yet, but he went so far as to sort of "tell on me". I honestly do not think I ever even spoke of my musical super hero anyway, but Brandall thought enough to totally blow my appreciation out of perspective and tell my parents that I only married him because I thought that he was alot like some other guy, which frustrated me, but I honestly didn't take such an outrageous thing seriously.

I really ought to explain that he had an undeniable amount of truth to his little tattle, but he had it all messed up in his mind. It really was something that ought to be flattering to him, but that brings me to the next disclosure that he made to me about his first wife, who I was a lot like, but never claimed that he only married me,because hecouldn't have her so I was the next best thing. Really, though, now that's how I feel. He said that she married him because she thought that he would become someone, really, he is talented enough, It was really all a matter of priorities. I think that he also applied that sort of thought to me. Sort of silly, I never ever thought he would accomplish anything musically, though I helped in little ways like in assisting his recording and pressing of cds and promotion.

Still, I love the same things, though it has been suggested by others that It is like spinning my wheels in racing off after that car. But, seriously, I must remind myself that parts don't make the whole, a lot like I might love baking soda mixed in to a cookie, but I do not need to try a spoonful of baking soda to know that just because I love cookies and soda bread etc that I will necessarily like straight soda.

still, what the heck happened to bring me here?

I feel like I awoke into a whole new world and do not know really how I got here or what I ought to have gained by it all, but I know the padt is the past and tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!