Ego

It has been on my mind, eh, see? MY mind. I cannot even think without myself. The pinnacle realization came through watching "The Tao of Rodney" on Stargate Atlantis. I always get something profound from watching this episode but this time I noticed how significant humility is for progression. It is only possible to "ascend" by shedding our burdens, which is a great metaphor for repentance. We come closer to "Perfection" or completion of our journey when we get rid of the faults that bother us and have been performed by ourselves. Once clean, the next step would be to rid yourself of well, self.

Rodney finds it impossible to cease being himself. A line I love is when he says, "I am me. I don't know how to not be." Well, that is not what I originally thought, but I loved it so much I could not remember it... I do think of my dad telling me that I would cease if the word "I" was removed from my vocabulary. ha ha ha, ironic huh? He often challenged me to not used it so much, or at all.

Lately, I experienced a thing that helped me see how much better life could be without "Me". Ok, I better hop to telling this before you jump to morbid conclusions. I had sung a song and was mostly just relieved that it was over, but while in a class I started having such terrible thoughts, crippling ones that if not checked would entirely immobilize me. I thought that I was such a joke, and secretly, everyone laughed when they saw me and remembered. I wanted to crawl under a rock and cease to be. Until I realized that it was not "Me" that was doing much anyway, it was my duty to "get out of the way" so, like Emmit from the Lego Movie I wanted to blend in and not stick out in anyway, or cause a hinderance from the things that I wanted to sing. But, while I was thinking it was all about me and my talent I was ashamed and was missing out on all that was most important.

That brings me to my next thought. I really did used to be "all that". One day I was at a wellness center in Ripley, MS with my mother and I would run when no one could see me. but walk on the track while anyone could see. My mom said the most important thing, "Why don't you just run in front of others? No one will laugh, infact they will respect you for trying." It is true that we must start somewhere and it is hard for me to start over so late in life when I ought to be much better, and actually, I was. I was almost too good at things.

One more story I love to tell. I was in a wheelchair visiting a doctor at Vanderbilt and the nurse who was pushing me stopped and told me something profound. She was serving me and by all accounts appeared fine and all I could think was that she was so much better off. she said,"This is just a snapshot. You are going to get constantly better, you know. I have MS and seem fine now, but will degenerate and if we ever met again in the future our places would be switched." Do you see where this is going? Comparing to determine our worth is foolish.

I do not know how it is done, but I think it is part of becoming Christlike. Often I hear it said, "Let go and let God." That is a big part of it (shedding the ego). I heard one woman say that was what she loved so much about her religion. It (the organized religion) told her what to do. And, that really confused me. I thought we valued our will. We do. we have to willingly give it up. It is harder to be ego-centric because then we have to take responsibility for all of the things that happen, which the world is beginning to realize. If I were humble enough, I would not take any credit for the good or blame for the bad, so I must work so had at my craft so that I do not cause any notice.

Lastly, a choir director said something that stuck with me. He said, "If someone tells you that they can hear you that is probably the worst thing they could say." It bothered me because I wanted to be heard, I was good! I had skills, it was difficult to be able to read all of those notes. We need to blend our voices in a choir, and become unified. In my case, that requires a lot of "improvement" to reach the level of others around me.