Scandalous

I just could not post this thought to my actual facebook page because of the nature of what I'm going to say, they are my words, and represent my thoughts, but they do not paint an adequate or useful picture of who I am. Like facebook statuses usually do? But, I could be less restrained. I was noticing how people acted differently on a game show after it was publically noted that they would be sort of immortalized this way.... anyway...

It is my opinion that the consumers are the ones holding the leadership positions. I said a whole lot more but lost it, so I'll just abridge it. I have always abhored how cultures spent money on things that are meant to be accessories, but they do not have the essentials. And because of this, I have been called racist. It is alot like callingsomeone who doesn't like terrorists a racist. Yes, there is a greater chance that the person is a terrorist if they are Arab just as there is a greater chance if you are black that you are a gang member, but I have never limited my ability to be offended because of skin color.

A more dangerous terrorist would be the unexpected recently converted all-American boy. likewise I noted that it was not ever noticed or expected that my husband would share that same prioritty or mind set that i consider lazy and just wrong, but since he has lost his job again, I get to see what he really values, and it really suprises me.

Now to tie that back in with pop culture and government. I feel like a complete outsider, because the only people spending money on frivilous things are the ones who are turning to the government to "rescue" them because they don't have money for their basic needs. once, at a picnicat my in-laws someone commented on the imigration problem as it being like birds or ther pets, Feed them, and they will never leave. And it attracts them.

All of these government programs are well meaning, but for every good use, there are a million and one bad uses. I recall people commenting on a goverment grant program for musicians, and a concern was that it would be cut, but it was argued that what had it really produced anyway. reality demonstrates many similar occurances whe it comes to government aide.

A friend just explained tome how things could be another way. I liked his thoughts, but my humor crept in, and the thought blared out, "Really? I though you were either a communist and saved the world or a fascist and tried to rule it." Really, I think that all of the government programs are just satan's way to creep in and steal our agency. Calling it openly "communisim" didn't work. Even though it actually is based on a lot of good principles and such. No one would be fooled by obvious evil, that is the conclusion. But, slowly, the economic shift is driving our government to a change alright, but it just feels wrong.

Have you noticed how even the radio (which pours out sugary goodness addicting listeners) plays mostly Urban music now, it is what sells. My mom said that our world was becoming less and less civilized. I think she was right,but don't know what to do about it.

The best part

I wanted to write this yesterday, but I never got the chance, so even though I'd rather be sleeping, I'll tell this information now. My phone broke so, I couldn't read the kids their typical story, so they askedthat I read from Lena's novel some way side school book. I was going to read from where i left off last time, but Lena said "No, No! Here, let me find it, you need to read the best part." Brooksie wanted to know which part she thought was the best part and kept nagging until I started "Chapter 8: The best part" then she got it. But it was really quite funny, as the whole book is gauranteed to be. The story was about a boy who brought his puppy to class. Everyone thought it was so cute, and as most women, the teacher was under it's spell, so she forgave this boy alot because of his adorable, plastic puppy. But one girl in particular wasn't impressed and was determined to steal it. The title's name comes from the best thing that this puppy did which the boy seemed never to fully show, though he did get it to transform into a "maneating wolve" by pulling on it. It started by pulling on it's tail and I thought "Oh Great Scott" this is a child's book, I would expect childish humor, and what do kids love best but poop, I was delightfully suprised, as was the girl who was trying to steal the "cute puppy" from the boy's desk, instead began screaming as her finger got stuck on one of it's sharp fangs as she was trying to remove it from his desk. But, when asked to help the boy just said the final words, "Oh, thiss is the best part."

6:25 still no Nick, and no message...

And today was extremely pivotal,
His choices are making mine obvious and easy.

There are many ways that he could let me know what's up, but he doesn't.

Not anything unusual, but definately not the way I plan to spend eternity. I spent all of the time juggling 2 babies trying to make a meal that would be satisfactory for him, all the while I am sorta being prompted by a little don't know which is the devil or which is a little angle, but it whispers, you really shouldn't put up with that, no reward is worth it. or, get out now, or you will really regret it! So, no I didn't do other things that I wanted to or ought to, just in order to make a meal that will be cold an crappy and unappreciated. Probably, because while our fridge breaks andI struggle to feed the babies, he goes to resturants or spends his precious moneyon fast food, and then just liters his car with the empty bags and such. I really should'veknown better than to absob the blame after seeing his car and the state of things that he supposedly takes care of. Even his family members have bragged that he was so god at cleaning things and he considers himself such a fine cook, but NEVER has he offered to cook a meal for me or anything but accuse meof rediculos things like burning food or not organizing things or losing things because of ADD, whatever. I honestly am having another day where I question how much I can take Almost 7 and nothing. How discourteous. That's it, I'm going out and not leaving a note. We've already eatten and I'm tired of waiting so that I can leave he house for a second. It would be nicer if I knew what I was dealing with.

jot

It's a story bout a midwest girl who grew up down south andsearched out west for the man she finally found all the way down south, in Tennessee.

Really, I have a much greater story to tell, but it needs some distance and a pinch of perspective. Right now too many loose tongues might start wagging, making the wrong conclusions, uh, but isn't that what I want? great story telling might include false misleading for a time...

I will feel better now knowing I have at least jotted down my (idea)intentions, least I forget them.

What happened?

I need to record something for the reader that will be harder to live and talk about as is already is, but really, how could I know? Either way, I here refer to the record that will not be written here, but will be written so that no blanks are left up to the "Holywood imagination" of things.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew why men think that giving us things will erase things. They feel like if they do something really good it will counter something bad that they plan to do, or have done. It just makes me not want anything because as barbie sang "I'm realizing that every package comes with strings." i amthankful, but it is unrelated to how I feel on another matter. Maybe it works with other In a sense it ruins any chance of my being happy when all that would've been nice to clear it up is a "sorry" and a change of heart.

I sometimes think that I wish I would be more like a computer, You get out what you put in.

difference I've noticed

I have noticed a big difference in the fat people around here and the other fat people I've seen. the people around here are just lazy and eat too much, it is not at all genetic, they ould look dynamite, but just are apathetic. Unlike other fat people who are just geneticallu "bigger than others" no ammount of trying or different means will ever make them look better, because that is their ideal. But, our government lumps both of these types together, calling them all un healthy, which is not true at all. For instance, If I stopped caring, I would look terrible, but even skinny I don't look good, there is no getting to it, I am just not shaped "ideally" a good friend helped me realize that being healthy is a better goal, not shape or anything else. I know it is the same for cookies. Some look ideal, but they all taste the same, for the most part.

I asked my piano teacher once to close her eyes and tell me which sounds better, because music is an aural art. but I missed the point, but it made a different one, that our purpose cannot be to look a certain way, if we utimately want to be happy. like following a particular fingering does have merit at a certain sped, if the goal is to sound the best, fretting about fingering will not help me accomplish that.

That one quote you were looking for

Wouldn't we all love to read the words written by a young Albert Einstein? I haven't accomplished anything of worth yet, but I expect that I will, and these words will become very interesting somehow.

All done: explained

We feel the need to express something, like the game at pep rally's in highschool. Here's the game: A group of even numbers of people are broken into two groups. then each person in a group reaches into a bag and draws a piece of paper, the other group has pieces of paper that say the same thing as the other group. Then, everyone is given blind folded and placed all over the gymnasim, then the first group must find their partner, the one of the other group who had the same thing on thier piece of paper. They are told to make the sound. For example, the people in the first group might make moo sounds looking for the other who had a piece that said cow. This is what alot of us do. Music is our sound. So, once the other is found we stop worrying about listening. I like the line from "August Rush" where August says, "Only some people can hear it." the reply is profound, "Only some people are listening."

I think that was why I sort of fell out of the loop according to others when I got married. I quit listening, I figured "what's the point?" Most music is about love anyway or the frustration others hope by expressing will asisst them in "finding" someone. I need to watch August Rush again! Well, I really don't have much of a point to be writing music anymore. I am not being heard, yes, if I was it would be worth it.

That is my explination for why I am pretty much gone, and empty for now.

Natural state of things

Let's start at the very beginig. it's a very good place to start....Who says there has to be a begining just because that's how we see things in nature. I think things have no begining or end.

It makes sense that I would have a breaking point, everything does, right? I had always thought of myself as a gas though, sure there are solids, with enough heat they turn to liquid and so on, but I am just always in an aggitated state which fascinated others for a time, but one friend in college got mad at me once and said, "Don't you ever let up?" I realized that I am better in small doses for the public, but never sure which dose to offer. I just outpour constantly, but do you wonder yet what happens after gas? I do.

I am guessing that because of conservation, Things don't disappear. They just change. We always assume Gas eventually evaporates (ascension?), but I think we just can't comprehend it yet. Some old greek dude, Diederot, or something like that, spoke about how there are particles all aroud that cannot be comprehended, he likely meant things like molecules or electrons which require special equipment to see.

And my mom told me about a cool thing called "Astral photography", I think,
where they photograph things like leaves after part has been removed and the
image of the entire leaf is stil present, sort of in spirit, it explains the
whole "Phantom Limb" effect, too

.
But, even the large things, like planets and constellations suggest that where there is one there is one greater (like my dad explained the Abrahamic pictographs to me). likewise who dares say that infiniti doesn't continue in smallness? I saw a video at an engineering camp by Carl Sagan where he said something like that only more succinctly, given time and expectations, I am starting to think maybe I could, too. Want to know why? It;s likely a good segue anyway. I listened to different performers of broadway tunes and marveled at how awesome they were, for instance, I heard Adelaide's Lament and thought, I could never do that, but as I practiced and many facets became natural and things that I didn't need to practice, like muscle memory for playing basketball. Practice took a lot of things off of my mind so I could focus on performing. I realized that not only could I sing as well, but I could actually out perform those recordings, because I had more potential than them. They were locked as they were, never to improve.

As you know. I had a brain/nervous system injury, that left me unable to do alot of things, but, in a way, it helped me focus on what I could do. Until I m able to do those things again. Plus, doing without really makes you appreciate things! I really really know how much I love music. Like Bach, if his father hadn't forbidden him to study, he might have never become that great master that we know today. OK, that leads up to my point. I listened to music to an extreme yesterday, in brain scans, it has been shown how sections "light up" when there is music played, this shows activity. I think all of the music made me a touch too active or overdependent. Sure I like music, but enough is enough! Could it be that I do have a breaking point? What happens If I keep listening? Well, I gave it a try, and it produced a sort of "Honesty effect".

I no longer desire to hide things (maybe it is a need to make room for other thoughts). As I heard a very simple song that I wrote yesterday, meaning to be critical, I just kept thinking about how people are eternal and how we want to be loved as we look right now, but really the part to love isn't even effected by our sight (eyes). So, I wasn't very critical and tried to relisten and "do over" but, it happened again, I can hold back this thought though, to avoid redundancy. My thoughts were more specific, but I thought. I honestly have never valued a person at all by their looks, so no matter how someone appears it will be and always be extremely attractive to me. I thought, well, you haven't actually worked on this song yet, but I didn't bother trying. It is pointless right now.

It is snowing, kinda funny to me, you know how snow is really just a more space consuming version of that stuff we call water. We call it water because that is how it APPEARS in our natural state. We are 70%+ made of water, wonder what happens to it in a different state (organization).

I'll go be love sick for a while, I think this is love, I'm not too sure though. Don't wait for me. I'm contemplating never comming back. Talk amongst yourselves: Have you ever been in love? If so, what do you think love is then?

Oh! I get it!

Blonde moment here!

I just realized the big trouble in my life by trying to solve someone else's.

It took distancing myself to allow myself to be critical of such a problem. The problem with second chances is that you have to conclude that your first choice was wrong, that is hard to do, but unless I am honest with myself, even if I'm critical of other problems much less dear to me, I avoid admitting that My first choice was the trouble, I prefer to blame others for the terrible situation I am in. The second you admit that you care it is too late, but if you want it not to be too late for real, not joking, it requires being willing to openly admit that your choice was wrong, if that isn't a problem for most, then, that will not suprise me, but it is hard for me.

why online is bad for me...

I had thought this by playing "drawsomething" and I realized that it only takes one person who is really trying to make a good team. With the letters and by the number of spaces a smart or determined person can make things work, or see things in a picture because they are trying to see the word that fits.

I do that online with people and songs. I know that others do not mean what I get out of things, likewise, without interaction, I supply what I want to the meaning of those words that do not actually mean what I want them to.

I take sort of blank personalities and fill them until I admire them so much because they are full of everything that I secretly need, Kind like filling a twinkie with pureed broccoli. then when you take a bite expecting the needed Iron boost, you get filling, which isn't really a bad thing itself it is just not what was needed.

I have beome an internet junkie because for a long while walking and talking was too much to try and tackle, but since then I started thinking if I can do those the next step would be singing and running. I can't give up, but my current situation leaves me sorta paralyzed, I get the feeling that I am nearly a single parent, only I do not have any say in any thing. It is very frustrating, I honestly do not know how much more that I can endure. But, my mind whispers, "If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that..." basically, everyone thinks that and the strong don't give up.

The reason defined

It is becoming so clear to me now, the things that were no way explained that must have an explination. Well, inventing expinations is a talent of mine. I'd have made a great Greek.

I get it, oh, duh, embarrassing, yeah, but remaining silent is stupid. I see that others really wanted to know more and so I told them some of my very own big fish stories, And yeah, I have trouble even admitting several of my aims to myself because, I'm scizofrenic! No, that would be too easy to figure out and an easy explination. I do not like to admit things that make me who I am because they sound so rediculous. I hint and cryptically speak my mind all the while hiding why in plain sight, but people think I am too deep so they are distracted like amagicians trick, everyone is fooled, I am just a farce. there is no secret worth discovering though y'all want to know, huh? Well, keep guessing. when I mentioned how videos seemed to follow a trend of just disclosing enough to pique interest with a hint of uncovering more, if... but, you never do, anyway Brandall said that he thought that was more intriguing than just parading around revealing everything. So, I thought that was what I wanted to do keep something a secret but reveal enough to hint at what isn't known, with no intention of ever revealing enough, but then I heard the song from "Chess" about how eventually there would be nothing to hide and there would be nothing then because everything was forged upon that expectation to know more, you cannot keep a secret from someone who is "bent" on finding out. It will eventually come out.

Give me a break already!

Melissa, If you would seriously leave this planet, that would make what you did more believable than the silly things that you think up.

I am begining to see how you can actually come up with a rationalization for anything, You don't use reality as a given. alot like your Theory Homework, you're not suppose to change the given, goofy! Future Problem solvers? More like future space cadets of America.

Idea day!

Just had the first idea that really scared me. No, It doesn't involve hurting anyone, it just came so suddenly and was unpreceeded thus unexpected. Ok, are you curious yet?

Ok, here is the idea, it is not feasible for me, I'm not the doer, just the thinker. The perfect way to Achieve ammonimity, as is suggested in Minority report and later in torchwood as being something that will be hard to do, but desirable. This will likely cause me more hardship, as did the being accused of identity theft was. Just know, that I have never hidden any part of my identity or used a false ID, though admittedly, it wouldn't be hard to do. I get so angry with the law trying to legislate things but in actuality, while they pretend to be unbaised and so liberal, talk doesn't work, neither does making people conform, by law. There will always be those who are above the law, mostly because they can simply afford to break the laws.

I do not keep a single law out of fear of imprisonment or other scare tactics anyway. I figure others are like me. But, I have been accused (without proof because there is none) of things that I never did, Like it is said on my credit report that I was launderying money. I don't even know what that is, but I would like an opportunity to redeem myself, but no one will give you a job if you don't have a great credit record, so you can do nothing but wait, all the while suffering innocently, I just hope it is not in vain, and that others are as sympathetic as me to the cause of stopping the real vagrants.

While I'm all ruffled up on this. I'll add my frustration on trying to get the help I needed when disabled and divorced and wanting desperately to get up and try again, but I was denied Any form of help, because others do abuse the system, it becomes necessary to jump through many legal hoops just to get the help you need. I finally got better another way, though my whole life is sort of messed up as a result, but I had a medical doctor even accuse me of lying about my brain biopsy. What the heck!!! because, my scar wasn't right. I remember them shaving my head to perform the surgery, how dare he say that I just imagined it! but, that is why he is paid the big bucks, he likes to find people who are imposters. I really ought to just move on with my life and be glad that I was fortunate enough to not need their sort of help. I only fear for others. For a while I could not eat, talk or walk, and had lost my opportuities as an educator, and had to find another means of caring for my three children. It's just frustrating and stupid.

Urrgh! I just had to tell my husband why I needed to go to the store, shouldn't he just agree, not question me fully. I hate having to buy things just because I know that he will question everthing like now he wants to know exactly what food we need.

Ok, Now to the idea, I can only guess of it's applications. but, I have seen others use their mothers facebook page to say something bizzare or out of character. My kids like toplay games on my phone as me. And the worst was in Provo, a roomate used my online person to get dates. The idea is that facebook and twitter are so carefully monitored and made up of silly rules to block undesirables, but that those who are really wanting to see what they can only need find another well-established profile to find out what they want. Once they find someone who is trusted with the desired "clearance". they simply buy the profile from the person.

Come to think of it, this is exactly what some people that I worked with in Bellevue did. While under the pretense of working, they played A game called everquest. They hired young boys to play for a very little hourly wage, to accumulate items and charachters with high levels of experience. Then they would meet a buyer in a pretermind place online in their everquest world to give the items that were purchased on eBay.

one example of it's use might be my son who always wants Lena to build up his statistics by using his "login" because he seeks to use his time in another way, but still have the benefits that would require a lot of time. Brandall told me a similar cheat for Elder Scrolls, that I might use. He builds up his characters athletics, acrobatics and other attributes by pressing the key to "walk" into a building or some impeding object, like the corner of a room, then you can leave an come back hours later to be much faster and stronger!

Little by little

It wasn't at once that I came to this conclusion, but there is nothing that I wouldn't do because I can honestly say now, with all things in mind that life has been nothing without you, and I plan to live forever. extrapolate.

It is quite hard to try to comprehend... the effect of a few words... but, Now I can do the things that I couldn't because fear held me back, but you pushed me on. How?Oh,are you going to play the coy one forever, and pretend that you played no part in this fantabulous story, you have a lead role! Here's the script! Memprize your lines or just speak them yourself, it is all live and impromptu is part of it all anyway, befitting, huh? Who am I? It won't be plain to see unless you look another way.


Ok, enough of this silliness. I'm so tired I'm getting rediculous and imagining vain things. Maybe I'll wake up refreshed and ready to laugh at my life and just toss up my hands as this roller coaster plumets.