I am able to find many loopholes to get out of a thing I feel locked into, that is wrong. but, the most important thing to consider is that I am even looking for loopholes, they will always be there, and always be found. I read a preface by C. S. Lewis where he explained that the world is so big and diverse that as we are in greater contact with others, finding like minds becomes easier. Ok, that is what I got from it, he said that no matter how odd a thing seems or unlikely to find support. When he says something, there is always someone who will say, "Me too!!" for instance, I love flat rootbeer. I purposely leave the cap loose so that the fizz will go away. I mentioned it as one of my quirks to my first husband and it ends up that has always been a secret love of his, too.
So, the key I have found to sticking to a thing, surround yourself with others whom you genuinely love, is focusing on what you do know and love and you are more likely to find others who will have made choices to lead them there that will help you find peace and do not look for the loopholes. Life is happier when we just quietly do what we love because, it is what we do.
Now, I want to dwell for a moment on covenants. And how they are promises. And I could break a promise, though not likely , unless it was a promise made to God. Mind you, I have sort been left in an impossible situation where I promised in the temple to love Brandall forever, but then he divorced me. I did not make the best choice. I remarried. Even worse is that I had children when, in actuality, I had no right to do that, but, now even the atonement cannot mend things. And so, I am married to one who I genuinely do not want to be with, but will remain that way because I love the children and that is what is expected.
Oh, wait. The atonement could mend things. though, as another friend pointed out, we have to give others their agency. but, I could love my husband even if it does not naturally happen, by forgiving him, I suppose. There are things and ways that I could mold my affections into something they are not, after all it is what I hope to have happen by staying in Utah, when naturally I hate it here, but I want to like it, so I must become someone who likes it. Besides I heard this wisdom and clung to it: "Naturally, we might find a lot of comradery, but sin (our natural state) requires repentance." repentance sets us apart as different and better. It is part of the Atonement. Like in the Garden of Eden, when Adam & Eve disobeyed a commandment, they had a way out, it was though promising to do better with their 2nd chance, which was a gift of the Atonement. Though Christ, they were able to live as if they had never disobeyed, they were forgiven.
I just have a difficult time with others who, like a bath, expect to get clean while lying in their filth. I am so extremely glad that Jesus did not. He endured things and constantly did what was expected of him. When I meet him again, I want to be able to fully understand why he did and be able to report that, "yeah! I did what was expected." I will likely say more or nothing. :)
Now, back to life...
Monday, March 31, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
thought leech?
Typically, when I have a idea, be it deemed good or not, I put it into words and forget it. It is like if I speak my mind it is open for more, only last night did I realize it was like swimming in bloodsuckers, and If I do not get rid of them, I will be used till death. I had previously thought it was a matter of making room in my finite mind for grander thoughts, but I have been holding on and considering one.
The initial thought that I held and let it ruminate was "people are often rejected by others before finding a true fit." No big deal, but as I contemplated it, It lead me all over the place One time I was just starting a new thought about how fortunate I had been to not jump at my first opportunities. I was thinking of the song "Darker Side of Blue" And likely waaay off base, to me it was perfectly acknowledging that the simple life is desired by others who become famous. So, while I was thinking about ok, I'll admit it, I was fantasizing about giving a lecture to famous people who were suffering from a severe case of "the grass is always greener." As I was thinking twice about what gave me the nerve to even think such things, and before I started quoting lines I thought of The author Tal Bachman and figured that he might get angry for being so misunderstood, afterall I did not really know what the artist intended I only know what I thought, but then I thought, maybe I have been completely wrong about everything to do with him, and I filled what I knew into my new mental sieve.
Sure, he was divorced and so was not seen as perfect as I thought he was by one who would really know, not just assume. The song "Masquerade" comes to mind. Then the conclusion that everything I saw as perfect could still be so if "people are often rejected by others before finding a true fit." Even he had said years ago something that supported the truth that was brewing in my mind he HOPED to find a new beginning. If I believed such a thing was possible it was a new application for my idea that others are no less than hoped for. Even our whole existence depended on believing a man was perfect when he was judged and killed for not being so.
So, I will conclude with the thought leech that I intentionally saved to give to my son. I had been teaching him an article of faith each month. This month it was "We believe that through the atonement of Christ all mankind maybe saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel." as I was studying it more deeply myself I found an answer for his question, "Why was Jesus the only one who could atone for our sins?" Well, admittedly, you can only pay for a thing if you have the money (something Americans are slowly grasping the idea of) so to pay for sins, one must have a reserve of perfection to give. Then, why not just God himself, Ah hah! Jesus is a part of the godhead, but why not just the father or one of his servants or even Christ himself in the spirit? Don't we pray and expect to be rescued, so we believe that he has the ability to do that. That is where I am currently at an impasse as a parent. I only know that after doing so, he had the power as the only begotten to raise up his body and so sort of undoing the terrors his accusers wreaked on his body. I suspect, and so it joins in as another thought leech to be known at a later date why his atonement had to be made in the flesh. And when it is removed, it will be huge!
The initial thought that I held and let it ruminate was "people are often rejected by others before finding a true fit." No big deal, but as I contemplated it, It lead me all over the place One time I was just starting a new thought about how fortunate I had been to not jump at my first opportunities. I was thinking of the song "Darker Side of Blue" And likely waaay off base, to me it was perfectly acknowledging that the simple life is desired by others who become famous. So, while I was thinking about ok, I'll admit it, I was fantasizing about giving a lecture to famous people who were suffering from a severe case of "the grass is always greener." As I was thinking twice about what gave me the nerve to even think such things, and before I started quoting lines I thought of The author Tal Bachman and figured that he might get angry for being so misunderstood, afterall I did not really know what the artist intended I only know what I thought, but then I thought, maybe I have been completely wrong about everything to do with him, and I filled what I knew into my new mental sieve.
Sure, he was divorced and so was not seen as perfect as I thought he was by one who would really know, not just assume. The song "Masquerade" comes to mind. Then the conclusion that everything I saw as perfect could still be so if "people are often rejected by others before finding a true fit." Even he had said years ago something that supported the truth that was brewing in my mind he HOPED to find a new beginning. If I believed such a thing was possible it was a new application for my idea that others are no less than hoped for. Even our whole existence depended on believing a man was perfect when he was judged and killed for not being so.
So, I will conclude with the thought leech that I intentionally saved to give to my son. I had been teaching him an article of faith each month. This month it was "We believe that through the atonement of Christ all mankind maybe saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel." as I was studying it more deeply myself I found an answer for his question, "Why was Jesus the only one who could atone for our sins?" Well, admittedly, you can only pay for a thing if you have the money (something Americans are slowly grasping the idea of) so to pay for sins, one must have a reserve of perfection to give. Then, why not just God himself, Ah hah! Jesus is a part of the godhead, but why not just the father or one of his servants or even Christ himself in the spirit? Don't we pray and expect to be rescued, so we believe that he has the ability to do that. That is where I am currently at an impasse as a parent. I only know that after doing so, he had the power as the only begotten to raise up his body and so sort of undoing the terrors his accusers wreaked on his body. I suspect, and so it joins in as another thought leech to be known at a later date why his atonement had to be made in the flesh. And when it is removed, it will be huge!
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Feeling good.
I am still in a struggle, though each little contribution was taken into consideration and one in particular really made a big difference. I read, by suggestion of a very wise friend, about how one woman found entire peace with her body while so many others struggled. It was not a common thing in the country that she came from. Likely, their struggle was another. But, her wisdom had a lot of merit.
She presented a very strong argument against our "western" obsession with assigning beauty to a size. She told how in her country there was no such thing. I do not expect our western culture Would ever follow suit because of all of the fortunes tied into sizing. A woman's clothes were like hair you did not try to fit a premade outfit, but went to see a tailor and their duty was to make you look good and that was how they received their wages.
My solution about being unhappy with my weight gain and thus my size was solved by deciding to just forget tying to fit into the old clothes that I had (sizes too small) and move on and buy new clothes that looked good on me (regardless of size), like I say, it worked for a while. I was convinced that I was done worrying about such a silly, time wasting thing as my figure. I was excited to at last be over it, like a teen when they ae finally getting over their last zit. Your life did not end or begin with how clear your skin is.
Well, recently, I started feeling ugly, and am unable to do anything about it. but, that was when the solution came from my own thoughts. I was much more than my appearance. As I was getting ready to take a bath, I thought, so what if I am not as beautiful to myself as I once was, I am much lesser than I was in many ways if we want to play the comparison game. But, if I am truthfully going to spit in the face of the world that told me that I was useless without my old talents, then I needed to do the same thing with my body.
I asked my self these questions:
1) Did I still like me?
2) What parts were only in progress anyway? and did I expect to love every stage?
3) Why did I want to appeal to someone else?
And I concluded that I loved myself and always did, and I sought to become more the one I had always been whether that is seen as attractive popularly or not. This quote keeps going through my head, "I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived" - Marjorie Pay Hinckley
It was an interesting pursuit to consider all of the things that endured a less desirable state to reach their goal. If I honestly wanted to be different, maybe better I would need to change. before I was heavier or less able, but was able to return to what I was or better, the same will happen again, no matter what I was to become (maybe it was a less vain person) It would be better if I focused on the goal at hand. I read this fitting quote on Facebook: " You throw an anchor into the future you want to build, and you pull yourself along by the chain. " - John O'Neil
So, I conclude I know that I am beautiful and I want to be good enough along the way to find a companion. By companion I mean one who will walk with me, not follow or lead. I think that answers my most important (last) question, Why is it so important to appeal to another?
She presented a very strong argument against our "western" obsession with assigning beauty to a size. She told how in her country there was no such thing. I do not expect our western culture Would ever follow suit because of all of the fortunes tied into sizing. A woman's clothes were like hair you did not try to fit a premade outfit, but went to see a tailor and their duty was to make you look good and that was how they received their wages.
My solution about being unhappy with my weight gain and thus my size was solved by deciding to just forget tying to fit into the old clothes that I had (sizes too small) and move on and buy new clothes that looked good on me (regardless of size), like I say, it worked for a while. I was convinced that I was done worrying about such a silly, time wasting thing as my figure. I was excited to at last be over it, like a teen when they ae finally getting over their last zit. Your life did not end or begin with how clear your skin is.
Well, recently, I started feeling ugly, and am unable to do anything about it. but, that was when the solution came from my own thoughts. I was much more than my appearance. As I was getting ready to take a bath, I thought, so what if I am not as beautiful to myself as I once was, I am much lesser than I was in many ways if we want to play the comparison game. But, if I am truthfully going to spit in the face of the world that told me that I was useless without my old talents, then I needed to do the same thing with my body.
I asked my self these questions:
1) Did I still like me?
2) What parts were only in progress anyway? and did I expect to love every stage?
3) Why did I want to appeal to someone else?
And I concluded that I loved myself and always did, and I sought to become more the one I had always been whether that is seen as attractive popularly or not. This quote keeps going through my head, "I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived" - Marjorie Pay Hinckley
It was an interesting pursuit to consider all of the things that endured a less desirable state to reach their goal. If I honestly wanted to be different, maybe better I would need to change. before I was heavier or less able, but was able to return to what I was or better, the same will happen again, no matter what I was to become (maybe it was a less vain person) It would be better if I focused on the goal at hand. I read this fitting quote on Facebook: " You throw an anchor into the future you want to build, and you pull yourself along by the chain. " - John O'Neil
So, I conclude I know that I am beautiful and I want to be good enough along the way to find a companion. By companion I mean one who will walk with me, not follow or lead. I think that answers my most important (last) question, Why is it so important to appeal to another?
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Humility
I have been thinking alot about humility. And although my intent was not to read about it, I
read a chapter I assumed was about faith because it contained the scripture mastery
scripture on faith, Alma 32 ended up being mostly about humility. Also Ardeth Kapp spoke at our RS Birthday party and she cited that chapter as significant during her talk/discussion on testimonies. So, looking for a chapter of great worth to read at bedtime. I chose it, and what I learned was not expected but deserves my careful consideration.
This part of my life is quite crazy In some ways I fully accept that my maturity is only that of a9 yr. old. It has been 9 years since I have relearned to talk, walk, and pretty much live, but I have children some of which are older than that and I am biologically almost 40 years old. my greatest trial generates humility, not because I am being compelled to be such but because I have been asked to sing in church and I want to, but I have to be humble enough to realize that my audience is not desirous to hear a fantastic singer like most of the musicians inn our ward just are and I actually was but admit that that boat has sailed and I struggle just to say things, let alone maintain a pitch.
But,I felt like singing might be one of those opportunities to round out and develop my character. I said that I would do it immediately after a lesson on a talk titled "You Can Do It Now." I was wrestling with the fear of appearing terrible but as I contemplated the things that we were being taught I realized that in asking me to sing they were asking for me to share a talent.my talent is undimmed, it never was singing that was just the preferred method, and my proficiency got the attention *I* wanted. It is not about how good I am. It is about using an opportunity toy advantage to share the testimony I have, so I picked the song "When Faith Endures". It really sums up my existence to this point. I will not fear or doubt, but pray that the spirit will find a way to touch hearts and as far as I know fear and faith cannot exists together. If I desire to have a greater portion of the spirit it cannot be for my personal gain either, for the spirit is a member of the Godhead and no unclean thing can be acceptable to God.
My quest is then not to appear well or impress others as I learned for years to do, but my goal is to bot offend so that no one notices my singing or physical body even, but that the hear the truths that I mean. My rehearsals will therefore be intensive but not regarding my singing as much as scripture study and prayers. Maybe that is one of the reasons my life was spared so that I might be able to learn this great truth and how life changes when it finds a purpose outside ourselves.
I have one more thing to mention. My greatest friend has given me the greatest thing ever. And how, you implore, does it apply? Through realizing that my purpose is not to practice vocal feats, I cited Prayer as my surest tool of preparation. Practice makes perfect. I always said it differently though. Practice makes better but performance makes perfect. So, this is an opportunity to perfect my humility. And, my dearest friend has asked to know the date of my performance so that she can pray for me, How awesome is that? I can imagine no greater gift. It will cross my mind that I have her help and she is a spiritual giant I have no doubt anymore that regardless of my abilities thingswill be good.
read a chapter I assumed was about faith because it contained the scripture mastery
scripture on faith, Alma 32 ended up being mostly about humility. Also Ardeth Kapp spoke at our RS Birthday party and she cited that chapter as significant during her talk/discussion on testimonies. So, looking for a chapter of great worth to read at bedtime. I chose it, and what I learned was not expected but deserves my careful consideration.
This part of my life is quite crazy In some ways I fully accept that my maturity is only that of a9 yr. old. It has been 9 years since I have relearned to talk, walk, and pretty much live, but I have children some of which are older than that and I am biologically almost 40 years old. my greatest trial generates humility, not because I am being compelled to be such but because I have been asked to sing in church and I want to, but I have to be humble enough to realize that my audience is not desirous to hear a fantastic singer like most of the musicians inn our ward just are and I actually was but admit that that boat has sailed and I struggle just to say things, let alone maintain a pitch.
But,I felt like singing might be one of those opportunities to round out and develop my character. I said that I would do it immediately after a lesson on a talk titled "You Can Do It Now." I was wrestling with the fear of appearing terrible but as I contemplated the things that we were being taught I realized that in asking me to sing they were asking for me to share a talent.my talent is undimmed, it never was singing that was just the preferred method, and my proficiency got the attention *I* wanted. It is not about how good I am. It is about using an opportunity toy advantage to share the testimony I have, so I picked the song "When Faith Endures". It really sums up my existence to this point. I will not fear or doubt, but pray that the spirit will find a way to touch hearts and as far as I know fear and faith cannot exists together. If I desire to have a greater portion of the spirit it cannot be for my personal gain either, for the spirit is a member of the Godhead and no unclean thing can be acceptable to God.
My quest is then not to appear well or impress others as I learned for years to do, but my goal is to bot offend so that no one notices my singing or physical body even, but that the hear the truths that I mean. My rehearsals will therefore be intensive but not regarding my singing as much as scripture study and prayers. Maybe that is one of the reasons my life was spared so that I might be able to learn this great truth and how life changes when it finds a purpose outside ourselves.
I have one more thing to mention. My greatest friend has given me the greatest thing ever. And how, you implore, does it apply? Through realizing that my purpose is not to practice vocal feats, I cited Prayer as my surest tool of preparation. Practice makes perfect. I always said it differently though. Practice makes better but performance makes perfect. So, this is an opportunity to perfect my humility. And, my dearest friend has asked to know the date of my performance so that she can pray for me, How awesome is that? I can imagine no greater gift. It will cross my mind that I have her help and she is a spiritual giant I have no doubt anymore that regardless of my abilities thingswill be good.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Humility
1) Amazed at people who seem so humble, wonder why
2) Why have people thought to pray for humility and then cared enough to warn others. It seems then that they would think others would want it, too and be unable to have it and be so desperate that they prayed. but that does seem counter productive. Humility is what brought them to knees in the first place, no?
2) Why have people thought to pray for humility and then cared enough to warn others. It seems then that they would think others would want it, too and be unable to have it and be so desperate that they prayed. but that does seem counter productive. Humility is what brought them to knees in the first place, no?
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