Feeling good.

I am still in a struggle, though each little contribution was taken into consideration and one in particular really made a big difference. I read, by suggestion of a very wise friend, about how one woman found entire peace with her body while so many others struggled. It was not a common thing in the country that she came from. Likely, their struggle was another. But, her wisdom had a lot of merit.

She presented a very strong argument against our "western" obsession with assigning beauty to a size. She told how in her country there was no such thing. I do not expect our western culture  Would ever follow suit because of all of the fortunes tied into sizing. A woman's clothes were like hair you did not try to fit a premade outfit, but went to see a tailor and their duty was to make you look good and that was how they received their wages.

My solution about being unhappy with my weight gain and thus my size was solved by deciding to just forget tying to fit into the old clothes that I had (sizes too small) and move on and buy new clothes that looked good on me (regardless of size), like I say, it worked for a while. I was convinced that I was done worrying about such a silly, time wasting thing as my figure. I was excited to at last be over it, like a teen when they ae finally getting over their last zit. Your life did not end or begin with how clear your skin is.

Well, recently, I started feeling ugly, and am unable to do anything about it. but, that was when the solution came from my own thoughts. I was much more than my appearance. As I was getting ready to take a bath, I thought, so what if I am not as beautiful to myself as I once was, I am much lesser than I was in many ways if we want to play the comparison game. But, if I am truthfully going to spit in the face of the world that told me that I was useless without my old talents, then I needed to do the same thing with my body.

I asked my self these questions:
1) Did I still like me?
2) What parts were only in progress anyway? and did I expect to love every stage?
3) Why did I want to appeal to someone else?


And I concluded that I loved myself and always did, and I sought to become more the one I had always been whether that is seen as attractive popularly or not. This quote keeps going through my head, "I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived" - Marjorie Pay Hinckley

It was an interesting pursuit to consider all of the things that endured a less desirable state to reach their goal. If I honestly wanted to be different, maybe better I would need to change. before I was heavier or less able, but was able to return to what I was or better, the same will happen again, no matter what I was to become (maybe it was a less vain person) It would be better if I focused on the goal at hand. I read this fitting quote on Facebook:  " You throw an anchor into the future you want to build, and you pull yourself along by the chain. " - John O'Neil

So, I conclude I know that I am beautiful and I want to be good enough along the way to find a companion. By companion I mean one who will walk with me, not follow or lead. I think that answers my most important (last) question, Why is it so important to appeal to another?