What I learned on Sunday

I probably wasn't quick enough on this, now alot of my scribbles are illegible to even me. I need a Urim and thumin (sp?) myself. but, here goes:

1)Wars seem to stir something in the soul. Think of CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien, the Wheel of Time wisdom and even all of the killings and war in the Book of Mormon, which we were wisely told not to skip over. I think naturally great things come from terrible things. Like the movie "Braveheart".

2) I asked my children if they wanted extra blessings in their lives.
I told them that I ought to read my scriptures every day if they did, but if they asked me, I wouldn't. I noted that it was a way to make my personal scripture time less selfish. Though, actually it is selfish, I would still read if they told me not to.

3) It has always been common for people to hide expectations for the future events because they DIDN'T happen yet, but people are still required to believe it. Their lives may even depend on it. I wonder why living is so critical. by definition that's what critical is, huh? How about dire.

4)Light is cool? Or Light is God. Well, same thing. Why not take light out of it and just say God is cool?

5)I can't read this well, but I vaguely remember. It says sobirty prophecy can be understood by those who are similarly minded. And what it means to me is that is why we are all wanting a zion and would sacrifice so much to be understood and we know it will only happen when we are with those of like hearts and minds. It also makes me think about art and how it says different things to different people or even the same person at different times. the whole thought was started simply by asking about why the lord used parables to talk, Those who have ears... I have always loved Isaiah for different reasons, though.

6)I cannot properly understand this so I'll just copy it. "Fortune of having great moments of learning even it clouds negative a lot like Hannah See good in bad."

7) Joseph Smith didn't just have a simple question. His question was not one just hap hazzardly thought one day. It had been weighing on his mind for a considerable amount of time.

8)Keep in mind that your best days are your worst days.

9) memorizing songs and scriptures is a great way to give your mind fodder to help push out or kill thoughts intended to ruin the singularity of your purpose.

10) Thinking of the song "100 years" Where he explains that our perspectives change with our wants and needs.

11) "we have Celestial experiences but don't have Celestial words to describe it." And older gentleman said this and I thought it profound.

Scrpitures that I jotted down: Please look up 2 Nephi 12, and D&C 50:20 there is a light bulb doodled next to it.

I ought to be sleeping...

I had this strange thought about a story that I wrote when I was really really young and read it recently when going through old notebooks, having no recollection of even thinking that story, but it was such a great one, it unfolded like a movie that I would very much like to see, or s Nickelback puts it "The moment when we meet plays like a sceene straight from the silver screen." I got waay side tracked thinking about how art works are too often assumed to be autobiograhical, this was not the case, but I remember as I read it thinking, "yeah, I like that notion. It made me think of the awesome thing I was taught about the reason women are barren, cause I had thought alot about it, in our Shakespeare Course we discussed that many held the role of women to be to beget offspring, making women who did not perform this function "Nun" or of no consequence, but I was taught that a thing is more appreciated if it seems miraculous. This is the case with such sons born to barren women. The child is so much more appreciated because it waa sincerely wanted.

My father recently taught me to consider if things are wanted or needed and that most often we give up what we need for what want "right now!" I had for a long tie thought something similar about Obedience and sacrifice, illustrated best by the story of Abraham and Isaac. Now, he (Abraham) could have very easily rationalized that his son was of too much worth, but he didn't. I think we are all given some rare talent or blessing then asked to give it up. And ultimately it might seem, if we think about it, like the less intelligent or reasonable thing to do, but that is why we are asked to be obedient and develop trust. if it wasn't difficult would it have as much value to us? I'm thinking about running long distances, Why do we do that? Understand?

Ok, My little thought. I fret too often about nt having what I need because when it was all set in place my choice was for what I wanted "right now." I had abandoned me eternal thoughts and was focused on having more children, that's what I'm for right? Well, so I didn't get what I needed after just writing the song "finding what I need." But, The battle was lost to myself. but the war will not be won by the reasoning of men, though it really is all in my best interest right now... Through providence things will work out for the best, And when I finally do get what I need It will be more miraculous because it wasn't just given to me. as soon as I wanted it, but I'll get everything I need. I do not doubt that.

In conclusion I am filled with a mental image of this lake from my story and I just wonder what ever possessed me to write such a story that be wilders me, but likewise I wonder why I am up right now typing this.

It's gonna be harder than I thought.

I made up my mind fully, but comfort mocked me and even now, I quit composing because I'm cold. But, I did get a bit of a charge from someone who said "Sometimes, life isn't meant to be pleasant. It's meant for you to see what it is. Walk away from that stronger, more educated, able to look for the higher power. Knowing without it you would still be back in the past.." her point was that being in the past though it is not moving forward, is what those who do move forward long for, kinda like how I never realized how awesome it is to walk until I couldn't do it.

unexpected moments?

Everyone has them. I wrote a song called "unexpected moment before to explain a particular moment that I wanted to have. I have always had a little bit of "Joseph Smith envy." What a moment! if that was a pattern then it teaches that we first must be prepared, and prepared he was, there have been strange moments where I knew I was being tutored because I woul have never come to such conclusions on my own. Next, we must find a secluded place and pray, uh, that is what "I" was expecting. In Relief Society they were discussing hoe people purposely do not ask things or find a place to ask because they "sincerely" do not want to know (speaking in reference to particular missionary experiences). I was preoccupied with another thought that i had not yet finished so I wasn't paying too much attention, but quickly I heard that and thought "yeah, I had always wanted to have such a spectacular moment, but would just rather believe that I could then really find out." then as if in answer someone explain that it was almost scientific that if you pray, you will find out, And it is common for people not to have to deal wth such an undeniable fact, especially one that will change their life.

So, now my moment. It was definatly unexpected. I had originally chosen hymn number 12 for a closing hymn, then changed it to number 2 out of concern for the pianist's ability. And familiarity. Not that she would have difficulty, but alot of people struggle with sight reading and she obviosly didn't know that one, and had been abscent since Jan. So, I could not give her the hymn in advance, anyway 2 is the Spirit of God, and it seemed to be too long, children started pening the door, but we were performing it as quickly as we could (not really praying it) I felt terrible, so decided about the last verse to give the lyrics more attention, and it happened, I thought of how Joseph hsad been reading a passage in James when he figured it all out, for me it was in the lyric "And Ephraim be crowned with his blessing in zion....chariot of fire."

I was almost rendered unable to use my mouth for a time. his needed to be thought about. It was right there! I wondered what it was commonly translated into the venacular to mean. makes me think about min studying the old prophecies that many had explained and in our lesson how it said "His faith in God led him away from the belief, common in his day..." So anyway, I haven't decided on a place, but have decided that it must be done. I had struggled with my questionlong enough. and I know that if I don't step up, another will.

understanding? not yet.

My husband dared to call me a racist, clearly, he means something different than I do by the word. He also accused me of looking over his shoulder to see his pin number for his bank card. Whatever. I think it's all in his mind. I wonder who he thinks I am or am about, it just does not match up. I don't know what is common in marriage, but if I wanted to know a pin I would just ask for it. I would like to hear his definition of marriage, too. I find it very hard to believe that he thinks I wipe butts and clean things and make meals just cause I'm being nice.But he has formed some really disturbing and shocking ideas of who he thinks I am. I'm just comforted by the fact that God knows who I am and what I am about. I assumed that he would take the time to ask before marrying me. It is taking me completely by suprise the things he thinks of me. He even thought I would get mad because he didn't watch a movie with me. Was is supposed to? Is that why he did it? I was oblivious if that was the case. like I said, it is obvious that he doesn't know me, and keeping promises was all I was looking for. He doesn't even do that well, so what do I have in return for what I give? beautiful children. Who deserve a good life and to be understood.

If it's no use, kill it

So, being alive gives us a purpose to be useful, but what are we to be used for? I'd like to be an instrument, not just a tool(that cuteness was intended).

I really don't know how long this will be, but I figured that I had a lot of thoughts to let out verbally, so It's likely o be verbose. Sorry.

Lately, I had been stumbling on to a whole lot of musings where others determined that t achieve a thing you had to be single minded, and that means "killing" or "lopping off" unwanted parts. One of the best passages I read lately was about how a soldier cleared his mind of emotions that weren't useful by imagining a candle flame and pushing all ideas into the flame. I also loved the moment that Rand Al'Thor had his epiphany on Dragonmount followed by Egwene's. I think they are connected somehow, she experiences everything that he does in a different circle is all. Ayway, those are just the tinder or knidling to start the fire, I have had my face turned to face that several times and various genres. I realize that being strong is important, but being strong enough to hurt yourself to help others is even harder and requires more stregnth. Isn't that what childbirth teaches us?

On a side I'll mention that men have often made comments about how women are stronger. I figure it is just to equal them out, because we are not physically as brawny, In a very good movie a man says that where men have intellect, women have soul. Women have more emotions, it's true, or is it? I think that men just learn little tricks to handle them where women blubber or hinder them from being insensitive. But, my final conclusion is that it is not possible to compare unequal things (apples and oranges for instance).

I do not think t is good for women to become like men to be strong, but I do believe that to be stronger there must be a way to put off the things about onesself that make one weak.

I'll tell you what is strong, and useful! My cellphone, which is currently taking a "licking" from my over curios son, who smells like poop. I really shouldn't just sit here typing.

The Gathering Storm: Chapter 47

I have a lot of thoughts on this, but mostly I was noting, mentally, all of the similarities between Egwene and Eand, Paramount being those who did what they had to do, then I was sucked out of that thought by the words of a loving father to his son which led in the direction of comparing a Tavaren to a soldier. I usually think of Rand as being alot like Paul Atredis, but was stunned by the stifiling nature of prophecies. I guess men have always felt this way about others who show glimpses of what will be, like "The Dead Zone" series. i, too thought about this when we talked about determinism in philosophy class. I decided that even if someoneknew what would happen, like Min, They do not make your choices for you. but i guess reading them does in a way, but I worry then about that who grandfather paradox, like in that episode of SG-1 where the team travels back to Abidos. Anyway, I ought to be able to find enough clips of Soldiers knowing what they should do in a situation and the importance of having to obey instead of thik for themselves. I want to make a video of this for Tal Bachman's song "She's so high" it says "I know where I belong, and nothings gonna' happen. though it implies a more jovial context of an unobtainable love, the ideais the same.

time to explore a cool thought

I was very cute. I tried to go with the idea that so if I was in the highest percentile, and born "perfect" then it stands to reason that I would only stay in that same spot, instead of moving up, because my illness reset the whole playing field so that I wouldn't have an unfair advantage. I saw a video about how you have to be careful not to attract the wrong type when you are too beautiful. But, that didn't really work for me because no matter I couldn't feel beatuful in the present, only regret that I didn't take advantage of my beauty/talents, not recognizing them until they were gone.

My new idea is that Nothing that really matters is ever lost. Beauty fades so it must not be so important, but I know that if someone is lured by my charm, they will not be disappointed by my looks, because we are taught in the ressurection we will be restored to what we were. I am and ought to be glad that I am so ugly. It sort of keeps me hidden from undesirable people/pressures much as i've gotten over dealing with lost talents. I'm in it for the "Long Run" not just here and now.