unpremeditated thoughts

This is the equalivant of giving a speech without having any idea or pattern for what you will say.
I was thinking about why it is that men just naturally seek to please women, and women expect them to. Admittedly, I was hurt that I was never proposed to and never got an engagement ring. My dad told me such rings demonstrate comitment to giving you the finest of things, even if it was not affordable. And it has proven to be a great example of thr sort of commitment my husband makes for me. Really, nothing he does is for me. But how it will make him appear, I thought that having no ring would reflect poorly on him and he would feel ahamed, he is more or less embarrased or ashamed of me. I bought him a ring and he broke it and threw it away, never really wore it anyway. It was the idea. A ring symbolizes eternity, that we would go on forever. I got him one that I thought he would like it was black hermatite, and sort of glossy, a conversation piece at least, but he got new plain ones, instead. I heard in a movie once that Jewelry cannot be purchased for oneself, so it is a better judge of your character to judge the things that people choose to give you or how much jeqwelry you have. I don't have any. I lost my Gospel in Action necklace down the drain, and cannot find my Youngwomenhood medalion, which I loved and wore near constantly for years. I guess that doesn't matter now, I have bigger concerns.

But, enough husband bashing! I only want to understand the reason why men are so femalecentric. I am guessing it has to do with Love and sex, but I am trying to comprehend how it fits into the story of our exsistance. and having said that, I bid you good night.

Ok, I was watching videos this morning and had this realization about why The ideal woman changes so much and yet some women are happy regardless.

I'll start there. I have noticed that so many women I idolized actually looked like me, and yet, they are considered beautiful. Specifically, I am referring to Andrea Corr and that lead singe chick for the Cranberries. I have always been slight, and self conscious about it. I see them and think, "Well, they don't have big boobs and still seem happy and confident." Ok Segue time!

I guess men saw women lke that and because they thought they were pretty then the men assumed that was what pretty was, a skinny little waif. I actually love that, but their wives didn't. Women all over the world wanted to be that ideal and it made them cranky because they just were never going to be that way, and diets make them unfriendly. Well, then men always seek to please so they instead say, "Oh, but honestly, we love bigger women." So, now we see larger women as the ideal. But, then where does that leave me? Unable to be large to have fat boobs and just jealous....enter cosmetic surgery and now we sort of have a hybrid of an ideal woman who is thin, with big boobs. Yeah, not going to happen, and if it does it is a freak of nature! I want to edit in a quote, "A beautiful young woman is a freak of nature. A beautifu older woman is a work of art." I guess with enough cosmetics and surgery we can all be works of art if that is the standard.not so desirable.

Really, the solution is for women to stop compaing themselves to one another but rather against what they should be, and let the men appreciate what you are each step of the way. Face it, we're goin to all get pregnant, old or ok at least uglier, then we die and get to pick how we look. I will get to pick out my ideal man then, so I see that it is acceptable to look at potential, etenally speaking, it is a lot longer. I tend to see what I will be dealing with forever rather than just until I die. Really, won't we have more children forever anyway? I mean how the heck did we become God's Children? If marriage isn't just an earthly thing, why do we fret about earthly attraction? I put my money on it has something to do with luring in the right guy. So, guys need to start appreciating health.

My conclusion this morning is that ultimately men are molding the world though I was feeling sorry for the way they are mistreated and yet constantly subserviant, like a little puppy dog. But, women love puppy dogs, huh? So the two (men and women) are intertwined and sort of need one another. It all works out in the end. I would like to write it out in a ballanced equation, but that would be pointless. And I want to start a new president that it can be said "none of the things she did in life were pointless." So, why am I still typing?

My Friday conclusion

I don't know how strong this idea is, or if it will remain, but right now it needs some attention. I was thinking about how music tells me what love is. I always thought it was foolish so I paid no heed and thought my assumptions were popular nothing more.

Tonight as I sat by myself again thinking about all of the things I had supposed that love was, though I didn't act accordingly. As I lisened to songs, unsure who the heck wrote them anyway, feeling disgruntled because what I had was nothing even closely like that.

I even chewed out Nick's behavior to joe (though he could not understand). I said that it was so stupid for him to spend his time and thoughts on things that were not important and then expect me to just be patient while he tried to become who he ought to have been all along. I think True Love is a gift for those who deserve it!

Really, the music made me realize the thing that I was really upset about wasn't even anything that they were singing about directly. I am upset because my forgiving nature has been constantly abused. It would have been better to have never had these experiences, now that was not true. Each experience taught me what doesn't work, and failure is very common in huge successes.  I think of all of the big accomplishments that were litered with failure.

The bottom line is that Nick is doing what is good,but even if he became perfect, I wouldn't want to be with him. It is not about what he is rather what he isn't. After two children, three years and unemployment, if he hasn't yet told me that he loves me or done all that he could to show me that he could not imagine life without me, chances are he is not the one. The thought is that it shouldn't be a struggle anyway.

I am used to being treated like crap and so I have come to accept and expect it, but I do not nor will I ever love it. Eternity is a long time. I do not want to settle nor feel like someone settled for me. That is it.

I have something else first

I was thinking about something in words yeserday, but my computer wouldn't connect to the internet, but I figured it out, silly. I'm not as dumb as you think.

I made a video, too:


September 20 2012 I learned the best lesson tonight from Stargate Atlantis. Strange that it never occurred to me before. The Episode was in SEason 3 named Irresponsible. The town was protected by a man with super powers, which were seen to have been yet another way for Lucious to decieve other, though he felt he was being honest.

The realization I had did not happen while I was watching the show it was afterwards when I was thinking about why I could actually stand that episode ands bear to watch it now. I was thinking alot about a woman's speech about how the people of the town needed to stand up for themselves instead of waiting around for Lucious to save them, because by so doing they were loosin the very thing they sought to protect, their freedom. Independance is what is lost when we rely on another for protection. I started thinking about husbands and making a big comparison there. Then, Licious chimes in and tells the woman not to take it too far, so I thought that fit in perfectly with what I was thinking regarding the whole feminism thing.

Ok, my big realization was that I was sitting around, feeling like I needed to be rescued and even praying for something to be orchestrated, somehow. I realized that the reasonI wasn't acting for myself is because I was placing faith in something, or more to the point someone, but we are taught that when our faith is in correct thingsa it becomes active. It s not about waiting around for that or even hoping for that, that is why nothing is ever going to become of it.

I woke up thinking about someone else, but that wasn't the solution, then, another chance encounter happened and I realized that my answer is that I ought to rely on noone, that is why I failed each time. I need to become active and find more that I can do an hope for something or someone who isn't specific. I have been taught that it is the point that we give up entirely that we recognize the true power of God. I was looking for it only in the wrong places. God is no respecter of persons.

The way I see it, I will only be married in the temple, no other way will do what I need eternally, So that limits me to people who are able to take me to the temple, I ought not even concern myself with those who could if motivated enough.

So, what am I going to do? nothing, as I was reading a bible story to Joseph. It was clear that he needed my upbringing. It will be the most significant thing in his life, my life will have to revlve around that for a while. I need to discuss this with Nick, that simply, needs to be done.

breakthrough!

This time, the lesson was actually learned. So many ideas come to my mind, and I get frustrated because I forget them too quickly. This idea was like that one which many times enlightening my mind then fickered away. Such ideas felt so good (instant flash to FF) and my blog was an attempt at capturing such ideas before they escaped. This time, the idea attached itself so firmly to so many things that it stayed. And, just now I am remembering occasions where such "illuminations" were hintingb at something too secret to share, but I definately will share the rest.

The first significant illumination was when I imagined a visual representation of what is Biblically reffered to as Jacob's ladder. I was thinking about how every one of us was on different rungs of that ladder, so what really mattered was the destination not the progress. I forgot it though because it unearthed questions that I was not ready to answer yet, like the role of religion.

Then, today, I read this:

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but inst ead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'. We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

This recalled a similar impression I had while watching a documentary that loving others is the most important thing we can do in this life, nothing else really matters much, it is all just distraction. I was so completely transfixed by this idea that I had to turn it off and do what I knew to do to keep myself from recieving more than I could bear. I wanted to pray.

In my prayer I asked to understand the role of religon in it all. and the first pat of my answer was that hadn't I learned by my religon to pray in the first place? Oh yeah! If our religons fail to help us to love one aother then they have failed, too. There is really only two ways to think, like a ladder, towards or away from the goal. Alot of religons capture people and use what captures them to mingle, if you will, the ideas they believe are true, with other teachings used to get gain. There have been a lot of examples of this throughout history. I particularly liked scenes from "The Season of the Witch".

As to why their are so many paths leading to the same place, it is because God loves us so much and appreciates our uniqueness. He has given a man a vision (Lehi's Dream) where he does explain the most sure way, and assures us that if we hold on to the rod (Word of God) of Iron, that it leads us on that path when we cannot see (we cannot dispute the importance of sight in such a situation). So, we claim that our faith is the most correct, and that others are correct, too. Sticking with that glorious dream, it seems that even after being guided entirely the right way we can still fail after we have even tasted of the most desirable of fruit.

God uses trees alot in his communications with man. I think there is a

significance to this. Like even in the garden of Eden or the use of

Olive trees.

So, we see that things have littered our way to be distractions to us (like sex instead of Love), this lesson was forcefully taught to me at a youth conference in Mississippi where church leaders and other people we trusted were leading us to do other things that seemed good, but wouldn't help us in the end.

Side track, got to go show some of that love to my screaming children. I cannot concentrate right now, but I wanted to tell someone. That is why I love Jesus Christ so much and his gspel is called the gospel or "good news".

the problem with obedience

If you do something because you are told it doesn't have the same effect and that is the trouble with obedience. I am learning it firsthand. Those around me seemed afflicted because they lacked an obedient husband, so I vauled it more than I should have. If I told my husband to say or do something, he would but, that sort of ruins his opportuity to do it*. Let me explain. There are a number of things that I wish that my husband would do, but more importantly I wish that he had just once even expressed to me how he felt about me, but he covered his butt by saying that it is too hard to talk to me, so he never tried. One would then assume such obstacles were overcome for him to be obedient and tell me that he does in fact love me. But, that sort of ruins it, he wins points for obedience but my heart still feels empty.

Conclusion: I am not a canumdrum (sp?) wanting something unreal because I got what I wanted and am not pleased. I got what I asked for, but I have realized that what I want is for someone who is obedient AND is "On the same page". Nothing needs to be said, because both want the same thing. It is just a symptom, not the problem, to over communicate.

Nick's step mother said it wonderfully when she was dating his father. He asked her what she wanted. Something generally seen as good sign, >>>>He wants to please you!!!<<< Then, she said, "I want someone to do (list of good things) with me." He said "Oh, well, I can do that!" Then, she explained that he just didn't get it. He needs to want to do those things for himself, not because she asked. Ah hah! that is exactly what men complain about women wanting mind readers, really they just want someone who thinks like them. "What does it mater who you marry if he is a good Southerner and thinks like you." -Gone With the Wind

*my solution is just be patient and let him do things on his own time frame. It sounds good, but isn't working out so well for me. I know that we have the same goal, but I sort of feel damned and unable to move forward because we must be together. "being with me musta damn near killed you." Thanks Nickelback.

Once your choice has been made just trust that it wil be worth it to endure, but trust me, if you are having doubts go! I feel like Sarah from "Dead Zone" saying that, giving advice that I hypocritically am not living. But, you can know what is best and so advise others without doing it, It's not hypocritical.

failure - reoccurring theme

It seems to me that stumbling is the way the world judges failure.

Previously, I picked apart the validity and desirability of the world's definition of Success. Obviously, I didn't agree with it. It should be of no suprise to now learn that I also disagree with their version of failure. Infact, you can just assume that if it is the accepted definition of a thing I do not agree or subscribe to that type of thought. It makes communication, using words difficult, but I still do it. Those out there who have ears will "hear" me "know what I'm sayin'".

When we fail it is often taken as the answer that our attempt did not succeed and it ought to be given up. But, I was listening to Nephi chapter 4 on a new little Book of Mormon App and was thinking, well, if The scriptures are supposed to give me some sort of answer, then, do your thing, already. I did not recieve bolt of lightening revelation, but it occurred to me that just because a thing fails is no indication that it was wrong, just look at the story told here: A bunch of straping boys head out into the wilderness cause dad told them to go get some book. They tried and failed. Then, before giving up one of them remembers all of the valuable things that they had at their old home and decide to go get them to trade for the book! Brilliant!! But, it still doesn't work. Uh, well, then one might conclude that it isn't really God's will but their father's and he was mistaken. but, thank goodness that was not the end. A younger brother decided to go back and try again, cause he fully believed, no matter how rediculous it seemed, that it was the Lord's will and so he would do it. Ends up he has to decide to kill this guy and wear his clothes to sort of pretend and lie to someone to get the book. He admits that this feels wrong, but an angel explains that this is the will of God that it is better that this one man be slain than a whole nation of people (later called Nephites) dwindle in unbelief.

I had often wondered why such a story would be placed in the begining of canon touted by a religion, further I decided that it was there to weed out those who might, like the parable of the sower, show signs of grabbing a hold of the doctrine, but never really having roots, because there would be plenty of things that would discorage people from accepting it as true, if they tried to reason it all out. Belief must be founded on something deeper. But, as I was thinking about it this time, I thought, well, the Bible stats with Adam an Eve and she out right disobeys God, and the whole Old testament is riddled with faith shaking stories if understood in a worldly way. I even had people worry about me and my sort of obsession with the old testament. It was not what they said, but I think it was a wise thing. Just look at the saducees and pharasees who got all caught up in looking for a deeper than face value of a thing (I want to mention the story of Moses' staff and ppl not being willing to look upon it to be healed because it was too simple).

In conclusion, The guidance I personally got from this was that just because I might have fallen doesn't mean I shouldn't get back up. Here's a song that expresses my sentiment better:

Does he love me?

There is a way and only one sure way to tell if he loves you or not.

I know, you're probably thinking that there is nothing particularly fascinating about you, though you are above average in most regards. Well, you are absolutely right. there is nothing that distinguishes you. It is a hard thing to really accept because we all like to think that we are so significant, and we really are to ourselves. Think of it. You couldn't even breathe if you weren't yourself, could you?

Ok, on to the meat and potatoes of this whole post. So, what is the best litmus paper or test to use to determine if he honestly loves you? Maybe, we shoud ask, Whitney:



Oh yeah, how insensitive of me to ask her, she is preocupied. I'll ask Cher:



Wait a minute, The music industry doesn't specialize in happiness they make money by telling us what we want to pay to hear. There is only one sure fire way to know if he loves you. ASK. Then, pay attention.