I don't know how strong this idea is, or if it will remain, but right now it needs some attention. I was thinking about how music tells me what love is. I always thought it was foolish so I paid no heed and thought my assumptions were popular nothing more.
Tonight as I sat by myself again thinking about all of the things I had supposed that love was, though I didn't act accordingly. As I lisened to songs, unsure who the heck wrote them anyway, feeling disgruntled because what I had was nothing even closely like that.
I even chewed out Nick's behavior to joe (though he could not understand). I said that it was so stupid for him to spend his time and thoughts on things that were not important and then expect me to just be patient while he tried to become who he ought to have been all along. I think True Love is a gift for those who deserve it!
Really, the music made me realize the thing that I was really upset about wasn't even anything that they were singing about directly. I am upset because my forgiving nature has been constantly abused. It would have been better to have never had these experiences, now that was not true. Each experience taught me what doesn't work, and failure is very common in huge successes. I think of all of the big accomplishments that were litered with failure.
The bottom line is that Nick is doing what is good,but even if he became perfect, I wouldn't want to be with him. It is not about what he is rather what he isn't. After two children, three years and unemployment, if he hasn't yet told me that he loves me or done all that he could to show me that he could not imagine life without me, chances are he is not the one. The thought is that it shouldn't be a struggle anyway.
I am used to being treated like crap and so I have come to accept and expect it, but I do not nor will I ever love it. Eternity is a long time. I do not want to settle nor feel like someone settled for me. That is it.
No comments:
Post a Comment