I still don't get it

disclaimer of intent goes here: I didn't know where to put this thought, but I wanted to put it somewhere. Sometimes, I actually do have a particular thought for a particular place, but this one is so random I can barely hold on to it long enough to write it down.

I am so in love with an idea that it has become impossible for me to love anyone else entirely, I try to go over again and again, in my head the reason why this is so important to me that it is destroying my life and I don't seem to care.

It leads me to think that maybe I am falling and so helpless beause I'm trying to figure things out the world's way. Not to say that I'm not atually an earthling, but my solution might be to destroy, in disguise, the part that others find so attractive. Not realy, though, because it is honestly me, not a disguise.

I remember Jane Eyre saying that it could be bad to watch the thing that she so regarded twist into a mangled version of itself, one that is no longer loved. I think to maintain my peace of being, I need to psych out a bit. Kinda' like slamming on the brakes in a chase. It is unexpected and gives a spare moment. It sounds heartless, but in cross-country I used to purposefully "demoralize" opponents to win the race. I do want to finish in first place, I think, though it doesn't seem to matter what rank I achieve only that I finish (like the parable of the talents where the one ended up with 10 talents and another only 4, but they get the same reward).

Back to my original thought about trying to figure out why just not choosing to be in love with the silly idea in the first place. I play the part of the sly and patient serpant waiting to strike it's prey when least expecting. I have covered my tracks almost completely. I was getting to close to needing to share myself with those I loved. I guess I loved them, too much, in which case I would be fine where I am, like the Chinese guy who pretends that he is crippled for years to perform a magic trick with a fishbowl. Along those lines, I always wondered and could not tell if that one crazy sounding actor guy was just acting or was honestly that stupid.

Really, I would prefer. Uh, hold on that sounds as if I were hoping to stsy in a comfort zone. Really, that has past. I often think that was why I was ever placed in this situation to see and think things that would mold me into the girl I was meant to be as I was not because I was comfortable.

Ok, rather than start a new note, I'll just change the topic, it is my perogative, afterall. I am at the point where both I and Nicholas have changed enough that our paths are not likely to have been forseen or likely to change. He will continue on doing what is right without me. I have thought, my life has felt like a tiny seed struggling up through a pile of rocks. I have imerged at last and I am sowly becoming a bit more the person I was, not the useless damsel in distress. He did do his "fireman" duty in rescuing me. I might add that he was reluctant to actually marry me or start a family, so those who might blame him, it is I who deserve all of the blame. to his credit, even then he knew something was not right, though I did not really. I just knew that I needed out and he helped there. I wanted a family, and I got one. Supposedly, getting what I want is my greatest talent which can be my greatest curse or blessing depending on my perspective. I just do not know why I persist to hope for a thing that I have been warned is incorrect. But, someone, actually two someone's have come to represent things that are entirely of my own supposition. Though it may be right. I'm getting sleepy. Excuse and duck out paraprapgh: I should have been minding other things and now I'll get back to them. Mostly, I need to sleep. So, I must press "publish" now and correct things at a later date.