Ok, there were actually more, but this is the one I chose to persue and never came to any conclusion, perhaps you will by reading, and care to share it yourself, na, probably not, huh?
Agency is so key to who we are. Everything about our lives is about making a choice and I really want to study about what causes people to make their choices. I have been dwelling on the thought that people especially around here, like others to decide for them. Where I come from it's called hypocrisy. I'll explain: "With their lips they do honor me, but their hearts are far from me." People want to do what is right, but they do not want to have to choose for themselves. They choose to give up a part of their freedom in choosing to be compelled only they call it being obedient.
One time in RS in MS a sister said that she was thankful for the church because it told her what to do. Here they talked about the gospel being like a track on a rollercoaster. I'm sure there are alot of metaphors for it, but I was so disgusted as a teen because others who chose to be "good" Used excuses like "It's against my religion" or such, it made me loose faith in ever finding a kindred spirit among the "goody goodies" as my sister referred to me and my lifestyle. I have always respected my sisers regardless of their path becausse at least they knew why thety behaved such and didn't blame or reward their successes on a religion. I do feel indebted to my parents, but, something about people publically making statements about who they are as being attributed to their parents upsets me. I see alot of truth in it, but then, as I think of Satan, I think there has always been alot of truth in his lies.
Recently, I heard a great talk where it was commented that we need to choose things because of our desire, our desires need to change if we do not find happiness in our life, not our choices. basically, being compelled to do things is not nearly as good as doing them because you want to.
I see this trouble as being monumental in my own life, as I try to make a good life and family. I feel much like a single mother alot of the times. I also see how it is the norm around here for the women to be demanding and the culture works that way. Womenwho tell men what to do are happy and men who do as they are told are happy. I bet culture is that way in Hollywood that is why men are always portrayed as stupid in comparison to the women who is also portrayed as being domineering! Crud, the kids need me! got to go.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I figured it out
I thought the best solution would be to get a divorce, but once again that won't happen unless i force it to happen. reason says just go say, "I am miserable because... " but, this doesn't work with Nick. I thought of mny other ways, but much thought is still required to keep all of my children around me.
One thing I decided that would work is that I will play his game and only do as he forces me to do them.
I'm still making money online slowly, evetually, I'll be able to take care of things myself years of being neglected, one drawer hardly makes up for it. I nearly died downstairs and Nick just slept through it and only took me to the hospital because I demanded it, otherwise I wouldn't have endured suchdrastic measures. I've gone years without any kind of care except for when my parents come or I get unexpected gifts from real friends, from Nick, nothing. I'm not sure I care if he wouldbe lolial if I was given death expectancy. I do not see it as a benefit. True, he was my intended means to get out here, and I really wanted him to be so much more, if he would have even tried a little, but alas, I quit.
My first step is to tell Brandall so he is not left out of it. or abandonedwith the kids.
One thing I decided that would work is that I will play his game and only do as he forces me to do them.
I'm still making money online slowly, evetually, I'll be able to take care of things myself years of being neglected, one drawer hardly makes up for it. I nearly died downstairs and Nick just slept through it and only took me to the hospital because I demanded it, otherwise I wouldn't have endured suchdrastic measures. I've gone years without any kind of care except for when my parents come or I get unexpected gifts from real friends, from Nick, nothing. I'm not sure I care if he wouldbe lolial if I was given death expectancy. I do not see it as a benefit. True, he was my intended means to get out here, and I really wanted him to be so much more, if he would have even tried a little, but alas, I quit.
My first step is to tell Brandall so he is not left out of it. or abandonedwith the kids.
technical therapy
That's what I'll call it. I am so stinking mad that I turn to my computer to be like counting when you're a child and when you're done everything's better.
I need to start a new train of thought, so where dsid I write those suggestions of things to read at times like this?
Urrrrgh!
I ought to just go to sleep and never wake up. naw that wouldn't help anything. I'm so mad, I find that holding my tongue, although it helps others, it makes me spit nails and hate things even more than if ijust said them, but so much of what Ithink can never be said, anywhere, but this much I can rant about! right now I abhor Nick! He is a good guy, mind you, I just do not see any redeeming qualities right now. I suppose he grew up letting others make his choices so now he's a useless adult not making any choice unless compelled, and I suppose I could do that, but I'mnot interested. I do not want another child! I want a companion. I wrote to him and even told him multiple times the things I wanted to do today, but I will not make any definate plans until I speak with him. But he goes and plays video games so I continue taking care ofthe children and just wait for him to decide to stop neglecting us and his responsibilities. They aren't duties that I give so I do not want to be his master, "be ye Equally yoked" not "yeild a big whip."
I disturbed his game and told him something that needed to be done, but he went upstairs to play a different game. I suppose my hopes of going to SLC are gone, too. If he does have some plan he doesn't tell me anything, then aain, he never does.
My back is crippiling me today!
And like in Family home evening, we only have it if "I" say so, but I asked for that and that alone for a mother's day gift, oh well. And Prayers which are to be presided over by him, he doesn't even assign anyone. Like I said, he is good, he just needs to be told what to do and I'm not interested. Maybe I'll make an ad for him.... lol yeh, that will lift my spirits.
I need to start a new train of thought, so where dsid I write those suggestions of things to read at times like this?
Urrrrgh!
I ought to just go to sleep and never wake up. naw that wouldn't help anything. I'm so mad, I find that holding my tongue, although it helps others, it makes me spit nails and hate things even more than if ijust said them, but so much of what Ithink can never be said, anywhere, but this much I can rant about! right now I abhor Nick! He is a good guy, mind you, I just do not see any redeeming qualities right now. I suppose he grew up letting others make his choices so now he's a useless adult not making any choice unless compelled, and I suppose I could do that, but I'mnot interested. I do not want another child! I want a companion. I wrote to him and even told him multiple times the things I wanted to do today, but I will not make any definate plans until I speak with him. But he goes and plays video games so I continue taking care ofthe children and just wait for him to decide to stop neglecting us and his responsibilities. They aren't duties that I give so I do not want to be his master, "be ye Equally yoked" not "yeild a big whip."
I disturbed his game and told him something that needed to be done, but he went upstairs to play a different game. I suppose my hopes of going to SLC are gone, too. If he does have some plan he doesn't tell me anything, then aain, he never does.
My back is crippiling me today!
And like in Family home evening, we only have it if "I" say so, but I asked for that and that alone for a mother's day gift, oh well. And Prayers which are to be presided over by him, he doesn't even assign anyone. Like I said, he is good, he just needs to be told what to do and I'm not interested. Maybe I'll make an ad for him.... lol yeh, that will lift my spirits.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
O Christmas tree
We are watching a cartyoon because Joe likes it, and I'm learning a whole lot. The little tree was magically transformed to be what she always deserved, she felt inadequate to be the sort of tree she wanted, but the best part to me was when she asked why other facets weren't transformed, while they were at it.
It made me realize that even when we have what we need we still don't feel adequate or good enough.
I was watching "The Butchers wife" and realized alot of things. I instantly lost my train of thought,like a metal detector I think I'm verbally headed in the wrong direction with this.
It made me realize that even when we have what we need we still don't feel adequate or good enough.
I was watching "The Butchers wife" and realized alot of things. I instantly lost my train of thought,like a metal detector I think I'm verbally headed in the wrong direction with this.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
I am online looking up new stitches to knit so far, I like:
Honeycomb stitch
Bamboo stitch
and
Checkerboard stitch
I think to be a history professor must be one of the greatest professions! Not part of the original thought, but I had an amazing Western Civ. professor, I think he was Nowegian, and had a really cool accent, though strange made his lectures interesting to hear.
Honeycomb stitch
Bamboo stitch
and
Checkerboard stitch
I think to be a history professor must be one of the greatest professions! Not part of the original thought, but I had an amazing Western Civ. professor, I think he was Nowegian, and had a really cool accent, though strange made his lectures interesting to hear.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
hmmmmm
I haven't un earthed it yet, but it has to do with King Solomon. I keep hearing about him no matter where I turn.
oddly enough
I am mentioning this ecause it is still bothering me hours later.
I had a very strange dream snippet, get this it was looking at a facebook page, then. Dum, dum.. There was a cliff hanger! there was a very curious picture, obviously self-taken, but a professional idea, The comment read "Melissa, ..." Then I woke up. now, I reallize there are alot of other Melissas out there and I'm actually a Melissah, but It has plagued my mind. Everyone loves cliffhangers and twist, but only if a resolution is possible. I've wasted my time thinking of stories where knowing what would happen didn't tarnish the plot like Star Wars, but no use, I just want to fall aslee again inhopes of readin that comment. I can't remember if it was a dream but yesterday someone asked me if I was OCD. I said that I was, iinfact and made some cute joke, feeling bad because it was a lie, is that Irony? I mean, isn't guilt a form of OCD? hmmmmmm
I had a very strange dream snippet, get this it was looking at a facebook page, then. Dum, dum.. There was a cliff hanger! there was a very curious picture, obviously self-taken, but a professional idea, The comment read "Melissa, ..." Then I woke up. now, I reallize there are alot of other Melissas out there and I'm actually a Melissah, but It has plagued my mind. Everyone loves cliffhangers and twist, but only if a resolution is possible. I've wasted my time thinking of stories where knowing what would happen didn't tarnish the plot like Star Wars, but no use, I just want to fall aslee again inhopes of readin that comment. I can't remember if it was a dream but yesterday someone asked me if I was OCD. I said that I was, iinfact and made some cute joke, feeling bad because it was a lie, is that Irony? I mean, isn't guilt a form of OCD? hmmmmmm
Monday, December 12, 2011
Song goes here
I'll use this note to jot down lyrics.
an old song came to mind first:
This is one of those times
When our words become useless
And the song of our heart must sing...
there that clip just keeps repeating in my head.
new songs below:
Though I can't sing a lick
A song might just do the trick.
All these words resounding in my heart
They don't quite make it to my head, oh no they don't quite make it to my head.
So I guess they'll never get the chance
Never get the chance to be said oh no cause they don't quite make it to my head.
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Melissa Babcock Holden
If I could sing what would I say?
What lovely words would live to see the day?
Would I sing of love just out of reach
My mind made whiter than washed with bleach (color-safe, ofcourse).
I'd sing of loss, greater than words
To comprehend, a cryptic verse.
Still that one would understand
far more than can be shown with mortal hand....
But more than one waits patiently
For that time to come, when souls will flee,
This mortal realm and then they'll know.
hoping to reap what wasn't sown.
Hidden pictures, carefully drawn
Bought and sold, They now live on.
March 27 at 10:45pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden This rhyming just sounds stupid without the music. Guess dad was right though, it takes more skill to recreate an idea when using rules... or some such thing.
March 27 at 10:56pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden He said once (it stuck with me) "There comes a time when a parent wonders if their child understands aesthetics." I just wonder what I say that will stick with the kids, probably, girls never fart infront of a boy, they must think we don't do it.
March 27 at 10:59pm · Like
an old song came to mind first:
This is one of those times
When our words become useless
And the song of our heart must sing...
there that clip just keeps repeating in my head.
new songs below:
Though I can't sing a lick
A song might just do the trick.
All these words resounding in my heart
They don't quite make it to my head, oh no they don't quite make it to my head.
So I guess they'll never get the chance
Never get the chance to be said oh no cause they don't quite make it to my head.
.
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Melissa Babcock Holden
If I could sing what would I say?
What lovely words would live to see the day?
Would I sing of love just out of reach
My mind made whiter than washed with bleach (color-safe, ofcourse).
I'd sing of loss, greater than words
To comprehend, a cryptic verse.
Still that one would understand
far more than can be shown with mortal hand....
But more than one waits patiently
For that time to come, when souls will flee,
This mortal realm and then they'll know.
hoping to reap what wasn't sown.
Hidden pictures, carefully drawn
Bought and sold, They now live on.
March 27 at 10:45pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden This rhyming just sounds stupid without the music. Guess dad was right though, it takes more skill to recreate an idea when using rules... or some such thing.
March 27 at 10:56pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden He said once (it stuck with me) "There comes a time when a parent wonders if their child understands aesthetics." I just wonder what I say that will stick with the kids, probably, girls never fart infront of a boy, they must think we don't do it.
March 27 at 10:59pm · Like
a simple definition of love
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Sunday, April 17, 2011 at 10:13am
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to me, love has never been complex. I know what I love and no one needed to tell me or explain it. I've lost alot of popularity through the years because I wouldn't change what I loved, momentarily, with the exception of cut off jeans, as a child I thought they were hideous and said I'd never wear them, but I have and do. oh yeah, I hated mustard, too. But, as I thought about what love is, everything fit a pattern and fell nicely into this definition. It even explains the notion of soulmates, now I'll be singing that Natasha Beddingfield song all day.
Love is the power to overcome. It makes us able and willing to do all things. That's why we all want to be with others forever or would do anything to make that possible. I fear I was too hasty. Because, I used to always require love before I gave it, but I was blinded by the notion that I wanted to be married.
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to me, love has never been complex. I know what I love and no one needed to tell me or explain it. I've lost alot of popularity through the years because I wouldn't change what I loved, momentarily, with the exception of cut off jeans, as a child I thought they were hideous and said I'd never wear them, but I have and do. oh yeah, I hated mustard, too. But, as I thought about what love is, everything fit a pattern and fell nicely into this definition. It even explains the notion of soulmates, now I'll be singing that Natasha Beddingfield song all day.
Love is the power to overcome. It makes us able and willing to do all things. That's why we all want to be with others forever or would do anything to make that possible. I fear I was too hasty. Because, I used to always require love before I gave it, but I was blinded by the notion that I wanted to be married.
what happened yesterday
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Sunday, June 5, 2011 at 3:30pm
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It was a big day for me, but life took an unexpected detour, as ought to be expected when we're talking about life.
It was Brooksie's Baptism, and I was not "feeling it" cause I was preoccupied with noisy children (mine). Then something miraculous happened! Brandall was confirming Brooksie after her baptism and it just hit me very hard that I had been entrusted with her care and Heavenly Father was well-pleased. I was awe struck by Brandall, not because he is or does anything special, but that he is and continues to be an instrument of God's power. Sure he had done poorly, by me, but had done marvelously in caring for those precious children. It somehow opened me up to learn other great thoughts that changed my life. I know I am a better person for even trying to be there for Brooksie.
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It was a big day for me, but life took an unexpected detour, as ought to be expected when we're talking about life.
It was Brooksie's Baptism, and I was not "feeling it" cause I was preoccupied with noisy children (mine). Then something miraculous happened! Brandall was confirming Brooksie after her baptism and it just hit me very hard that I had been entrusted with her care and Heavenly Father was well-pleased. I was awe struck by Brandall, not because he is or does anything special, but that he is and continues to be an instrument of God's power. Sure he had done poorly, by me, but had done marvelously in caring for those precious children. It somehow opened me up to learn other great thoughts that changed my life. I know I am a better person for even trying to be there for Brooksie.
the parable of Job and the talents
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Sunday, June 5, 2011 at 5:45pm
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There was a certain man named Job who others esteemed as highly favored because of his many God-given talents.
Then, as the time approached for God to collect he started with the owner of what seemed to be no talent.
God was very displeased with this man for not improving on what he was given and banished him, but before doing so allowed the man to speak.
The man angrily cried out that it had all been unfair and if he had been given so many talents like Job he would have multiplied!
Out of compassion, yet doubt he took All but hidden talents from Job thus making him equal to the other man.
Job woke up to discover this change, but instead discovered more talent and used them to the point of creating new ones.
This pleased God greatly and frustrated the other man for when talents were collected Job had more than doubled his old amount of given talents.
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Melissa Babcock Holden No, this isn't taken from scripture. I didn't use a disclaimer because I thought it was obvious.
June 6 at 9:07am via mobile · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden I've been considering writting a book of parables cause they just allow ideas to be transfered most purely.
June 6 at 9:09am via mobile · Like
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There was a certain man named Job who others esteemed as highly favored because of his many God-given talents.
Then, as the time approached for God to collect he started with the owner of what seemed to be no talent.
God was very displeased with this man for not improving on what he was given and banished him, but before doing so allowed the man to speak.
The man angrily cried out that it had all been unfair and if he had been given so many talents like Job he would have multiplied!
Out of compassion, yet doubt he took All but hidden talents from Job thus making him equal to the other man.
Job woke up to discover this change, but instead discovered more talent and used them to the point of creating new ones.
This pleased God greatly and frustrated the other man for when talents were collected Job had more than doubled his old amount of given talents.
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Melissa Babcock Holden No, this isn't taken from scripture. I didn't use a disclaimer because I thought it was obvious.
June 6 at 9:07am via mobile · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden I've been considering writting a book of parables cause they just allow ideas to be transfered most purely.
June 6 at 9:09am via mobile · Like
more notes (continued)
a real tear-jerker, true.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Friday, August 5, 2011 at 9:24am
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I was listening to Michelle Branch the lyrics said something along the lines of holding your hand so I know where you go when your gone. That thought took me instantly, in reverie to Lena's bed side one night as I was tucking her in, after my return from months in the hospital. She asked me to hold her hand like in the hospital so that I wouldn't disappear when she closed her eyes. Then she asked me another time after Brandall ditched me at my parents house, and they were visiting me. She asked why I never came. She told me that she saved a spot for me next to her at lunch and she never let anyone sit there, but I never came.
He was so selfish, only thinking of himself. It caused problems for all of the kids, her especially. When a friend was sick or moved she freaked out. Serious abandonment issues, even her school teacher noted and spoke to him about it. There is never a need for that! And so, my place is here with my children, I have no other path nor consideration anyway. my "me" time is over, something Brandall was too self-absorbed to see. He was too preoccupied with my mote to see his beam. kinda ironic, huh?
I need to tell one more story, though I'm no good at telling them, use you imagination. I'll give the skeletal plot:
A husband and wife were unhappy and wanted a perfection that just wouldn't be, so they decided to assit things along by sharing their critical observations. The woman wisely asked the man to go first while she pulled out this terribly long list of things he needed to change. and so he started...uh oh! This could get messy, huh, every couple goes through a disilussionment stage where the other can do nothing right.
so he started and said, "Nothing. I've got nothing. You're perfect! just the way you are." Now who was wise? The woman felt both flattered and ashamed. She tossed her list and it was over, and with all stories they lived happily ever after. Happiness is a decision, don't expect it to ever be easy.
That reminds me of so many other stories. One where a woman was watching her neigbor do laundry, and wanted to tell her how to really clean it because she was hanging up dirty clothes, but her husband advised her otherwise. this happened many days, till one day, the clothes were clean. She told her husband who explained that he took care of it. He washed the windows. How many stories like this is our life comprised of? Teaching moments?
The last story is about an old couple, the woman calls to her husband. Nothing. She repeats this in vain several times until she is in the same room he answers (they are both yelling, now), "What?" and the woman explains that she had been calling and is deeply concerned about His hearing. He chuckles hartily and explains that everytime he responded.
Two observations: Dad would be happy that the men aren't made to look rediculously stupid, and I've noticed how Utah people love to tell stories in talks and lessons. I actually learn more/better in stories. My favorite one is story used to explain the lofty subjects of Justice and Mercy.
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why I dislike psychology.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Saturday, July 9, 2011 at 11:54am
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It goes beyond the facade of disgust Dr. Brenan shows on the tele, though I concur, I don't interogate criminals very often, nor have I yet found a need to explain the human behavior in my surroundings with fanciful spectulations. I have often created the ACT question in my head of astronomy is to astrology as philosophy is to what and filled the blank with psychology, but I can now see the error. Philosophy is speculative, too. So, I have decided to love neurobiology, and am excited to learn what it's study will teach me Now, back to my topic, Psychology has a right to the name neuroscience, in a sense, if it is actually a scientific study of the brain, which it tries to be, much like democrats try to be democratic. One reason I dislike psychology is that it fails to do what it claims. I think most people dislike hypocrisy in any form. Psychology does try to study the brain, asserting that it must be studied as a whole, intact; however, that usually leaves one without any real answers and just alot of fanciful ideas. Take Freud for instance. but, I have to address the thoughtful readers who are shaking their heads before I loose them. What do I asser makes Philosophy any better? Without much thought, I'd say it's purpose. William Shakespeare said that a Rose by any other name would smell so sweet. This concept proves that what you call a thing does npt diminish or change it's intended purpose. And I am much more fond of the purpose of Philosophy. Wait, I like the purpose of psychology, but I already suggested that it is a hypocritical study. And it is because I love neuroscience so much that I don't like psychology and what it does to make a mockery of the science of the brain. upon consideration, it is not the topic, but the function that I dislike. Wait a sec, isn't that the same as Dr. Brenan? Perhaps, yes. Only, she is fictional and I am not. I'll get older and die, or less morbidly, I'll age and become wiser.
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reoccurring dream blog.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Wednesday, July 6, 2011 at 10:21pm
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I keep thinking about how dreams are used, In high school I used to just look at my notes so each page would be in my brain then I'd study in my dreams. My mom repirmanded me explaining that sleep was a time to rest and dreams have another purpose, I figured it was wrong to use a good thing for the wrong purpose, like the internet is used for ulterior purposes sometimes. Anyway, I stopped that practice, I knew that I could control my dreams, but like Barbie movies and Cinderella movies maybe I'm still wishing a little in my dreams twisting them to be as I secretly want, though my conscious mind denies it, I pretend they are supernatural manifestations. Then particular ideas come back and sort of haunt my dreams, like any recurring thing we start to think on them giving them the power unwittingly to influence us. I am going to write a couple down here. So my actions, if any follow will be understood.
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Melissa Babcock Holden I keep dreaming that someone is studying with me for an upcoming exam and I jokingly say, "think we're on the same page?" This means so much more than I'm letting on. There is far more to it, but this much communicates the jist.
July 6 at 10:27pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden Someone is doing a magic trick with a coin, but as hard as I try I cannot figure it out.
July 6 at 10:29pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden I am given a sheet of trancelucent paper and asked to match the drawing exactly. I find one that's pretty close and tape the sheet down. a loud buzzer announces that I failed. I get angry cause if there was a correct one, and it was already known why the heck did I have to do it? I thought I was helping out.
July 6 at 10:34pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden Lastly, I cannot make any sense of this one! I am visiting a friend in prison, and start singing about how now it's harder to avoid consequences because they aren't immediate. Infact, nobody knows when they'll come. then, I hand a cupcake and a book through the bars and say that I have to go cause it's raining. but, in reality I love the rain!
July 6 at 10:40pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden I would like to dream about the relationships or ratios that exsist in star placement compared to triads. I want to uderstand it and know!
July 9 at 11:58am · Like
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super heroes.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Sunday, June 26, 2011 at 3:38pm
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Though, it's quite the pasttime to dream about having super powers, watching heroes made me contemplate the question, "What can I use that power to do?" or "How does saving a lowly texas cheerleader save the world?" The answer is quite C.S.Lewisish in it's simplicity.By small and simple means are great thing brought to pass...And many times it is little things that confound the great.
Sure, I'd like to be like Thor, but is that necessary to get what I want?
First, it should be established what is of most worth to me to accomplish. Hmm, probably being beautiful. Then, I realized that alot of the people I admired most, hence are beautiful, aren't more physically alluring or of the "Knock-out" persuasion. I may not be able to change my appearance, but I do not need a super power to become that kind of beautiful, though it will take effort. I can do it, slowly, but surely.
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Sorry, Good news!.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Friday, June 24, 2011 at 6:51am
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First, I must apologize, to those of you who were hoping I'd come to a different conclusion.
I was, is elated the right word? Nevertheless, I was giddy with anticipation to see my honest questions taken seriously, a thing I never ever expected. I figured, my feet were firmly planted anyway, so freely asking questions was of no concern, but no one I asked, besides my mother, ever gave me good comprehendable answers.
What was my question? How could the inconsistancies of my "solid wall" be explained? To me, it was alot like building a foundation and then discovering flaws, though hard work, I would find a way to mend those imperfections even if it meant starting over.
What did this wise mother of mine say? That I was seeing it wrong. This made sense because I still had difficulty seeing the answer to a puzzle about 3 stranded business men that I was even told the answer. I was highly concerned about the DNA evidence against Native Americans being Isreali. That can be extrapolated. I tried to explain it by patching my "little flaw" with sand and spittle, by trying to believe in Aliens, too long to explain, and doesn't have much to do with my point. My mom explained that man/science cannot understand of explain everything, so, like in geometery, we deduce what we need from what we do know.
I did know alot of other things that needed no repair, that I felt completely certain of. Then when someone else offered their answer, though very sound, I was able to look myself in the eye and know that what I had was sure. The answer tried to poke at another angle that had no flaw. My conclusion was that I had, like the guy in Dune, tasted the water of life and lived. My foundation has no cracks now, and to know that it may for some is easily explained away by the belief that even the most salwart will be led away. so, no one can shake my sure foundation, No one! Eeeek! no sooner than I typed that Brigham Young came to mind saying, "Never bost of such things! It is a sure fire way to fall." He's right about that, but, I do not even have a problem with his teachings about Adam & Eve, that I spent hours watching carefully, trying to understand in a way that made sense.
Joseph is awake, I hear " Hey, We've got work to do!" "I've got another load to make." "Good work, buddy. Let's get another load." I better go get him, "I'm ruuning rough today!"
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Melissa Babcock Holden http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYc9_OVUxwI from the scify version. blech.
June 24 at 7:07am · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAmjkr4RISU thisa one is better!!!
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please read often.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Tuesday, June 21, 2011 at 10:41pm
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Do not expect immediate results. Plants don't grow over night. Work with what you've got, don't wait for a magic moment and poof everything will be as you wished. Think about Beethoven and go do more than feel sorry for yourself! Don't expect others to understand you, but enjoy it when they happen to. Most importantly, accomplish!
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Melissa Babcock Holden You'll never understand why Brandall divorced you. Big whoop. That's probably a good indication that you weren't on the same page, look at it as a favor, not a curse. You have been very fortunate, and anything but Forsaken, which reminds me, you, us, finish reading TWOT!
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Friday, August 5, 2011 at 9:24am
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I was listening to Michelle Branch the lyrics said something along the lines of holding your hand so I know where you go when your gone. That thought took me instantly, in reverie to Lena's bed side one night as I was tucking her in, after my return from months in the hospital. She asked me to hold her hand like in the hospital so that I wouldn't disappear when she closed her eyes. Then she asked me another time after Brandall ditched me at my parents house, and they were visiting me. She asked why I never came. She told me that she saved a spot for me next to her at lunch and she never let anyone sit there, but I never came.
He was so selfish, only thinking of himself. It caused problems for all of the kids, her especially. When a friend was sick or moved she freaked out. Serious abandonment issues, even her school teacher noted and spoke to him about it. There is never a need for that! And so, my place is here with my children, I have no other path nor consideration anyway. my "me" time is over, something Brandall was too self-absorbed to see. He was too preoccupied with my mote to see his beam. kinda ironic, huh?
I need to tell one more story, though I'm no good at telling them, use you imagination. I'll give the skeletal plot:
A husband and wife were unhappy and wanted a perfection that just wouldn't be, so they decided to assit things along by sharing their critical observations. The woman wisely asked the man to go first while she pulled out this terribly long list of things he needed to change. and so he started...uh oh! This could get messy, huh, every couple goes through a disilussionment stage where the other can do nothing right.
so he started and said, "Nothing. I've got nothing. You're perfect! just the way you are." Now who was wise? The woman felt both flattered and ashamed. She tossed her list and it was over, and with all stories they lived happily ever after. Happiness is a decision, don't expect it to ever be easy.
That reminds me of so many other stories. One where a woman was watching her neigbor do laundry, and wanted to tell her how to really clean it because she was hanging up dirty clothes, but her husband advised her otherwise. this happened many days, till one day, the clothes were clean. She told her husband who explained that he took care of it. He washed the windows. How many stories like this is our life comprised of? Teaching moments?
The last story is about an old couple, the woman calls to her husband. Nothing. She repeats this in vain several times until she is in the same room he answers (they are both yelling, now), "What?" and the woman explains that she had been calling and is deeply concerned about His hearing. He chuckles hartily and explains that everytime he responded.
Two observations: Dad would be happy that the men aren't made to look rediculously stupid, and I've noticed how Utah people love to tell stories in talks and lessons. I actually learn more/better in stories. My favorite one is story used to explain the lofty subjects of Justice and Mercy.
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why I dislike psychology.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Saturday, July 9, 2011 at 11:54am
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It goes beyond the facade of disgust Dr. Brenan shows on the tele, though I concur, I don't interogate criminals very often, nor have I yet found a need to explain the human behavior in my surroundings with fanciful spectulations. I have often created the ACT question in my head of astronomy is to astrology as philosophy is to what and filled the blank with psychology, but I can now see the error. Philosophy is speculative, too. So, I have decided to love neurobiology, and am excited to learn what it's study will teach me Now, back to my topic, Psychology has a right to the name neuroscience, in a sense, if it is actually a scientific study of the brain, which it tries to be, much like democrats try to be democratic. One reason I dislike psychology is that it fails to do what it claims. I think most people dislike hypocrisy in any form. Psychology does try to study the brain, asserting that it must be studied as a whole, intact; however, that usually leaves one without any real answers and just alot of fanciful ideas. Take Freud for instance. but, I have to address the thoughtful readers who are shaking their heads before I loose them. What do I asser makes Philosophy any better? Without much thought, I'd say it's purpose. William Shakespeare said that a Rose by any other name would smell so sweet. This concept proves that what you call a thing does npt diminish or change it's intended purpose. And I am much more fond of the purpose of Philosophy. Wait, I like the purpose of psychology, but I already suggested that it is a hypocritical study. And it is because I love neuroscience so much that I don't like psychology and what it does to make a mockery of the science of the brain. upon consideration, it is not the topic, but the function that I dislike. Wait a sec, isn't that the same as Dr. Brenan? Perhaps, yes. Only, she is fictional and I am not. I'll get older and die, or less morbidly, I'll age and become wiser.
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reoccurring dream blog.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Wednesday, July 6, 2011 at 10:21pm
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I keep thinking about how dreams are used, In high school I used to just look at my notes so each page would be in my brain then I'd study in my dreams. My mom repirmanded me explaining that sleep was a time to rest and dreams have another purpose, I figured it was wrong to use a good thing for the wrong purpose, like the internet is used for ulterior purposes sometimes. Anyway, I stopped that practice, I knew that I could control my dreams, but like Barbie movies and Cinderella movies maybe I'm still wishing a little in my dreams twisting them to be as I secretly want, though my conscious mind denies it, I pretend they are supernatural manifestations. Then particular ideas come back and sort of haunt my dreams, like any recurring thing we start to think on them giving them the power unwittingly to influence us. I am going to write a couple down here. So my actions, if any follow will be understood.
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Melissa Babcock Holden I keep dreaming that someone is studying with me for an upcoming exam and I jokingly say, "think we're on the same page?" This means so much more than I'm letting on. There is far more to it, but this much communicates the jist.
July 6 at 10:27pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden Someone is doing a magic trick with a coin, but as hard as I try I cannot figure it out.
July 6 at 10:29pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden I am given a sheet of trancelucent paper and asked to match the drawing exactly. I find one that's pretty close and tape the sheet down. a loud buzzer announces that I failed. I get angry cause if there was a correct one, and it was already known why the heck did I have to do it? I thought I was helping out.
July 6 at 10:34pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden Lastly, I cannot make any sense of this one! I am visiting a friend in prison, and start singing about how now it's harder to avoid consequences because they aren't immediate. Infact, nobody knows when they'll come. then, I hand a cupcake and a book through the bars and say that I have to go cause it's raining. but, in reality I love the rain!
July 6 at 10:40pm · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden I would like to dream about the relationships or ratios that exsist in star placement compared to triads. I want to uderstand it and know!
July 9 at 11:58am · Like
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super heroes.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Sunday, June 26, 2011 at 3:38pm
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Though, it's quite the pasttime to dream about having super powers, watching heroes made me contemplate the question, "What can I use that power to do?" or "How does saving a lowly texas cheerleader save the world?" The answer is quite C.S.Lewisish in it's simplicity.By small and simple means are great thing brought to pass...And many times it is little things that confound the great.
Sure, I'd like to be like Thor, but is that necessary to get what I want?
First, it should be established what is of most worth to me to accomplish. Hmm, probably being beautiful. Then, I realized that alot of the people I admired most, hence are beautiful, aren't more physically alluring or of the "Knock-out" persuasion. I may not be able to change my appearance, but I do not need a super power to become that kind of beautiful, though it will take effort. I can do it, slowly, but surely.
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Sorry, Good news!.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Friday, June 24, 2011 at 6:51am
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First, I must apologize, to those of you who were hoping I'd come to a different conclusion.
I was, is elated the right word? Nevertheless, I was giddy with anticipation to see my honest questions taken seriously, a thing I never ever expected. I figured, my feet were firmly planted anyway, so freely asking questions was of no concern, but no one I asked, besides my mother, ever gave me good comprehendable answers.
What was my question? How could the inconsistancies of my "solid wall" be explained? To me, it was alot like building a foundation and then discovering flaws, though hard work, I would find a way to mend those imperfections even if it meant starting over.
What did this wise mother of mine say? That I was seeing it wrong. This made sense because I still had difficulty seeing the answer to a puzzle about 3 stranded business men that I was even told the answer. I was highly concerned about the DNA evidence against Native Americans being Isreali. That can be extrapolated. I tried to explain it by patching my "little flaw" with sand and spittle, by trying to believe in Aliens, too long to explain, and doesn't have much to do with my point. My mom explained that man/science cannot understand of explain everything, so, like in geometery, we deduce what we need from what we do know.
I did know alot of other things that needed no repair, that I felt completely certain of. Then when someone else offered their answer, though very sound, I was able to look myself in the eye and know that what I had was sure. The answer tried to poke at another angle that had no flaw. My conclusion was that I had, like the guy in Dune, tasted the water of life and lived. My foundation has no cracks now, and to know that it may for some is easily explained away by the belief that even the most salwart will be led away. so, no one can shake my sure foundation, No one! Eeeek! no sooner than I typed that Brigham Young came to mind saying, "Never bost of such things! It is a sure fire way to fall." He's right about that, but, I do not even have a problem with his teachings about Adam & Eve, that I spent hours watching carefully, trying to understand in a way that made sense.
Joseph is awake, I hear " Hey, We've got work to do!" "I've got another load to make." "Good work, buddy. Let's get another load." I better go get him, "I'm ruuning rough today!"
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Melissa Babcock Holden http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYc9_OVUxwI from the scify version. blech.
June 24 at 7:07am · Like.
Melissa Babcock Holden http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAmjkr4RISU thisa one is better!!!
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please read often.
by Melissa Babcock Holden on Tuesday, June 21, 2011 at 10:41pm
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Do not expect immediate results. Plants don't grow over night. Work with what you've got, don't wait for a magic moment and poof everything will be as you wished. Think about Beethoven and go do more than feel sorry for yourself! Don't expect others to understand you, but enjoy it when they happen to. Most importantly, accomplish!
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Lotus Rummler likes this..
Melissa Babcock Holden You'll never understand why Brandall divorced you. Big whoop. That's probably a good indication that you weren't on the same page, look at it as a favor, not a curse. You have been very fortunate, and anything but Forsaken, which reminds me, you, us, finish reading TWOT!
Just a mid-day waste of time...
I cannot believe how strongly I feel about this song. I guess it's a way of telling me that if power is what is needed, then I'll have it. It really is comforting to find that sort of explination amid the mundane things of life.
Really, my heart is breaking, and tears are fallling out of my eyes. I probably drank too muchwater yesterday, naw, I'm just trying to lessen the impact with a touch of humor, cause I'm really really feeling something intensely. I suspect that is why we all crave music, books, games, videos or interaction that leades to the concept of eternal marriage, because we want to "replay" those things forever.
I'll tell a brief tale of a time I bore my testimony (which is what we believe) in Gallatin at a church meeting. I had just gotten married and I decided to tell those who would listen what I had concluded about eternal marriage. It was required because it would take forever to say everything to someone else that we felt. I was so fresh, I cried just because Brandall looked for too long at a cute girl in the mall. Stupidly, I thought our marraige was over and it had just started. I told him everytrhing. We had ver long conversations, yes, conversations, they were not one-sided. I really loved to hear what he had to say. We were ultimately on totally different levels. It's like Jacob and Reneeseme I had imprinted on someoe who was totally out of my league. Sure, I would catch up, but it allowed a chance for him to show his amount of understanding, which his axtions though high to many are quite below what I consider ideal. Now, I have passed him, and am experiencing what he must've felt for me, a love that was hopeful, but not complete.
Anyway, I think I shall go think quietly to myself for a while. I am feeling more and more alone in this world. Though for a short time I ligned up with so many others on a different level and I endure comforted by the fact that they are headed the same direction, and knowing that there are many more on levels higher than me even. It is time to explore what I need to be sohappy in the next life, I lived one half being happy in this life missing firey darts by a long shot due to preparations I had made prior to coming here, now I am working again... but, Amid all of my work there is a thought, "Why? What for?" does growing go on forever or is it finite?
Really, my heart is breaking, and tears are fallling out of my eyes. I probably drank too muchwater yesterday, naw, I'm just trying to lessen the impact with a touch of humor, cause I'm really really feeling something intensely. I suspect that is why we all crave music, books, games, videos or interaction that leades to the concept of eternal marriage, because we want to "replay" those things forever.
I'll tell a brief tale of a time I bore my testimony (which is what we believe) in Gallatin at a church meeting. I had just gotten married and I decided to tell those who would listen what I had concluded about eternal marriage. It was required because it would take forever to say everything to someone else that we felt. I was so fresh, I cried just because Brandall looked for too long at a cute girl in the mall. Stupidly, I thought our marraige was over and it had just started. I told him everytrhing. We had ver long conversations, yes, conversations, they were not one-sided. I really loved to hear what he had to say. We were ultimately on totally different levels. It's like Jacob and Reneeseme I had imprinted on someoe who was totally out of my league. Sure, I would catch up, but it allowed a chance for him to show his amount of understanding, which his axtions though high to many are quite below what I consider ideal. Now, I have passed him, and am experiencing what he must've felt for me, a love that was hopeful, but not complete.
Anyway, I think I shall go think quietly to myself for a while. I am feeling more and more alone in this world. Though for a short time I ligned up with so many others on a different level and I endure comforted by the fact that they are headed the same direction, and knowing that there are many more on levels higher than me even. It is time to explore what I need to be sohappy in the next life, I lived one half being happy in this life missing firey darts by a long shot due to preparations I had made prior to coming here, now I am working again... but, Amid all of my work there is a thought, "Why? What for?" does growing go on forever or is it finite?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
interception, again...
I had a brilliant idea, one I was particularly excited about and I wanted to share it but the more I typed, the less I remembered until I forgot. I was a bit peeved. I was only typing it out so that upon revisiting the thought i might find myself rekindling the excitement, it, ok, I'm not even going to say that much, urrg, it's like trying to say things but you have a limited vocabulary in which to do so. My little imaginary friend told me that I may have the idea and even know it, but I may not share it because it would be a spoiler if ever read by the right person, like that's really going to happen besides no spoilers hereI can just blame it on Morphic fields or something. But then I thought of how one of my favoritestories in the early days of this church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. People sought to thwart and expose the book as a fraud. but such a thing was know of and prepared for, though the writters didn't have a clue why they were doing what they did, they did it. In SS, our teacher said something similar when he said that he had some duty that was preordained, but he had no clue what it was, still he'd do it somehow. It was funny when he said, "I think it has something to do with doing good to others or something." Anyway, that made me feel less like a reject, because I felt like I was being told that I wasn't good enough to have such a great original thought when really it is just I shouldn't cause someone to think that thought before when they are supposed to by writting it. Alot like things that people saw and knew but were forbidden to write about it, so, maybe YOU are the one that will own that great thought,It really is brilliant, I want to claim it, but I shouldn't so I'll just go away and keep myhopes company in my sleep.
Copied Notes from FB
I learned a most valuable lesson while I was incapacitated (though not literally beheaded). While I could not do for myself I learned to survive it is necessary to rely on others. I lost of obvious talents to only develop a greater one. One I would have chosen if given the oportunity, and so I was given such a chance, and I thankfully grabbed it!
So, what did I gain? First of all, hours of contemplation which might have been just hours of digust had everything gone "ideally". I really had reached the end of my rope regarding my other skills. and foolishly, I wanted death to end a great life before it turned sour, but now I understand. But mostly I gained a needed insight on humanity, or religion.
Just yesterday someone mentioned the wind and I think it is a perfect analogy. She appreciated it, but most of the time we only notice it when it becomes a hurricane or tornado. Likewise, we tend to only notice the true power of our Father in Heaven when something bad happens, How unfortunate! I thought alot about how wind chimes give the wind a voice, much like prophets do. not being able to do for myself I became like a windmill, harnessing anther power and will to move forward. That's a large reason why I simply love that painting by Carl Bloch of an angel strengthening Jesus in the garden of gesthemene, not that I dare liken my tiny trial to earth greatest sacrifice, Anyway. I learned a lot about how thing work on a much larger scale which might not have even interested me otherwise. I now notice that even my other talents and brilliant thoughts did not originate with me. Inception? Ever wonder how the same idea happen in romote places at the same approximate time?
So, in conclusion, remember what we really celebrate at Christmas, crud. how can I say "merry Christmas" in a way that will actually be heard? The phrase itself has almost become a vain repetition.
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The recession has hit everybody really hard…
My Neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 140 chracters.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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I started out writing a song, but as my words started to run away this ishat I ended up with:
I'd rather not write another song to say the same old things
that have already been said better before,
tho now I just can't, whatever the reason, seem to find it.
Like trying to rewrite Tolkein's Lord of the Rings.
Or, like refighting a civil war
to all end up the way you would like it.
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So here's another song just to say that
the idea that you can be painted into a corner is wrong
and ought never be adopted as the truth.
So I dare you dance in a Three-cornered hat
Without encouraging the gong.
Go do what you won't, like smiling with one tooth
But as i turn to think about it, I don't know rightly what to do with it. It is a whole, not to be broken apart, but a few parts would make a nice song, which, honestly was my intention but, other parts don't fit to the tune. i could write new music, but I'm not sure if it is meant to be a song. It really doesn't fit with my story themed album, or does it? hmmm...
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A girl dreamt that she was swimming in the sea when she saw a Norvel. She knew they weren't real but, she didn't know that she was not in the ocean, but in a glass of water, or did she? Isn't it impossible to dream a thing unless the fodder already exsist somewhere.
Then, she was being pulled by a tide which made perfect sense. She knew the tide was an quantitative measure of something that effected that environment. It must be caused by the tug of the orbiting land mass. She heard a "gulp"? and had to come up with a new story to explain it.
It was a dream, so she never got tired. When a boat passed and offered her a ride, ofcourse she refused. But, in doing, she missed out on the opportunity to learn a whole lot of new things.
She stared at the sky, no, not looking for direction from the stars which would really make sense. But, she was looking for Fievel's moon. She wanted to share a focal point with someone because it was lonely in the middle of the ocean, but everyone it seemed was out of her league (nautically speaking). Ah hah! She wasn't alone, God could be that focal point if nothing more. So, she prayed sincerely wanting and hoping.
Just then, she saw a huge coral formation and a eire light. So out of curiosity she drove to find the light. When a large whale said, "there's nothing to see there come with me, I'll take you back to the surface to breathe" She couldn't speak, but thought to him, "no thanks." so, he swallowed her and then she woke up.
The End.
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Sunday School----
comments regrding Paul's letter to the Corinthians.
First off, I say it is funny to think that I moved here from Corinth, Ms and moved there from Gallatin, TN.
I had just been thinking hard about the language of the book of Mormon and how beautiful it was.
It seemed impossible, to me, that an uneducated man could've written such a thing, which fit in our lesson conclusion that God uses our weak things to confound the wise. i'm thinking Moses, and how he was chosen to be a prophet when he couldn't even speak well. It's funny how things that are impossible for the world are possible for God and so that's precisely what he does, to show us what he can do that our reasoning cannot even phathom.
ok, our lesson started by the teacher praising the language of the letter, And how perfectly everything was said.
"to be unified, we must not trust in man, our only unity comes through, Christ."
The lesson was broken down into three parts: (1)unity vs. Contention. (2)Wisdom of God vs. Wisdom of the world and(3)Immortality.
We never got to part three because so much was said about two.
There was a poem/story told about a guy building a bridge after he crossed tiresome cavern at dak. he was old and about to die anyway. He was asked by another why he didn't just move on, his huge trial was over. he replied that it wasn't for himself, but that there was another coming behind him and he wanted to assist his crossing. It made me think of two things. (1) I heard somewhere that native americans always take the time to consider how their choices will efect the next seven generations! and (2) from a Gen. Conf. talk how our faith NOW becomes our hildren's faith THEN. which makes me think of Shadowlands, and C.S. Lewis, ahh, but what doesn't.
Then we learned through a tragic story of a terrible car accident. I must point out that the points of the lesson wre constantly paralelled to the idea of the direction provided by the white lines on a road (made me think of the iron Rod of Lehi's dream) The story was true and dreadful. it reall tugged at your heart strings. Then it was concluded How dull the driver's morning/life would've been without this accident. He was really trying to stay in the lines, but as he applied his brakes (as with accidents) it was out of his control. to regain control he had to make his choice to get back on the road. Our teacher compared ths to how we sometimes fall asleep and veer off the path.
Sure we stumble, but must correct, and later we can look back and see how blessed we actually were for that "accident". I was almost giggling then at the thought that came to me then, but I'm not going to share it. But, continuing from whre i left off (like I always do after rambling because mom praised it in a CES guy in GA so I wanted to be like that)I remember our bishop saying once that people usually only really appreciate the sacrament when they need it. Don't we all need it? wether we acknowlege it or not we all cross the lines and need to correct. it just helps that some mistakes are more obvious. Also our teacher said that when he prays he always asks for forgiveness, but on conclusion got to think about it and wondered why, he hadn't done anything so terrible. reminds me of Nephi just before he died felt so much guilt like my little brother, matt, who felt all of this remorse in the MTC when, to me he seemed perfect. Maybe its like Joseph Smith's vision. before the good comes there is something equally bad.
It is important to endure to the end. My thought that accompanied that was "in the end we won't be judged for our intentions or progress, but for the direction we are headed." It is important to not ever give up, though it is easier from time to time, it's important to continue on even if we don't have to struggle to do so.
Relief Society------------------
might I point out that it was sorta funny how in Snday School our teacher said that he didn't think the fact that we had so many sister missionaries was a coincidence. he suggested, though i don't remember verbally of if that was a thought I imposed on him, that our ward unity was due to the exceeding faith of our sisters.
The teacher in RS said that she sat by the teacher for preisthood and they were doing the same lesson. They discussed how to start the lesson. Our teacher said that she was going to break us into groups and we tend to discuss perfectly what the whole lesson was about, plus, we really like eachother and are happy to talk to our neighbors. LOL. I actually do enjoy hearing what the others think which is why I do not really say much.
The most profound thing in the duration of the lesson was when a sister talked about tithing.
I jotted this much down,"tithing taught by example so ingrained on children that they still keep that law even though they left the church." Few thing strke me so hard, but today it was the law of tithing. I have alot of faith promoting stories in my own life, but they all dim in comparison to this lady's testimony that we ought to pay our tithng because God does keep his promises to open the windows of heaven. In my person, after hearing, really hearig her, there was no room for doubt. A little Russian girl, Ukrainian, sorry, didn't speak much, I suspect her english isn't too good. But, she took the time to explain that when we keep the commandments (which you'd think is obvious) that we feel God's love and then we no longer have desire to do anything bad.Bing! Bing! Bing! woah, yeah. In my little group another pregnant (rural) chick explained that it was so important to link the consequences to the commandment in our lives (when we teach). That baby is going to be so fortunate!
The things we are doing are not only for us.
ok, I took up enough time. I could say so much more, but won't.
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I got the idea from Tolkein and Dickens. I make up tales for my kids, but I bet others would like to hear them, too. But that wouldn't really matter, It's like mythology tell a story to teach something or tell why a thing happens, but leave enough blanks to remain objective, in other words, don't pin down the meaning. You'll hinder the readers creativity.
Chapter One:
introduction of characters
Chapter 2
Car accident
Chapter 3
my idea of death and a temporary heaven.
Chapter 4
regret for all that went wrong.
Rebirth (second chance)
Chapter 5
childhood's fading memory. Things happen to jar it, but no recollection.
Chapter 6
Major coincidences gives purpose to Marriage.
Chapter 7
Another Wedding
Chapter 8
Behind the scenes. Making bad things happen.
Chapter 8
oops! Timing is different which cause error.
There don't want to give too much. I bet you wish that was the case in other areas. Every wise one knows that it is better to want then to get instantly.That's actually why Elizabeth and Zachariah couldn't have children at first.
Plus, what I already gave will likely grow into more chapters.
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It's a truly educational place. There were alot of subjects to observe, and maybe they are a good sampling of the population.
Alright, here are the two things I've been mulling over in my head:
1) heights 2)general appearance
it is one thing to read statistics and facts about people but another to firsthand notice and conclude something, though I'm not sure if acuracy has anything to do with it.
1) I had been thinking about it and forming my own ideas, which had changed. I thought that I was short and so my husband was. But, I saw a guy who looked tall. Probably, was told all of his life how tall he was (I think how others verbally percieve you impresses you and becomes sort of self-fufilling). As he was close enough I noticed that he wasn't alot taller than me and was as tall as my husband, who does NOT impress me as being tall, though he thinks he is. I think that has two reasons. The first is that he is quite heavy, and there was a tape Brandall wanted me to listen to when I saw a therapist about my poor self image called ,"I'm not heavy I'm just too short for my weight." lol now I'm singing "He ain't heavy he's my Brother" in my head. likewise a roomate of mine thought we were the same size (She was an olmpic weight lifter) so, I let her try on my wetsuit and she failed but said it would've fit but the torso wasn't long enough. secondly, I was surrounded by people who's average height was 5' 6" and so you assume that's how you look. Afterall, they gave me hand me downs. My husband was around other tall people who were all around 6' or taller. So that might have something to do with it.
2) I noticed how many beautiful women there were. Hmmm what happened to those girls who I met when I tried to live in Provo. You know, the kind Mark Twain spoke of when he said that he felt sorry for anyman who married one of them, let alone many. But, I came up with 2 more explanations for this phenomenon. 1) I was initially too preoccupied with their crazy hair and clothing to notice anything else, but now that they are tamed I notice that they have more than just big boobs, though per capita, I think Utah women have bigger boobs, it's just genetic. But, they have pretty faces and dispositions, too. I also, think it was likely they didn't change but my critical nature did. But, the other major change that facilitated the transformation is style or motherhood. They just had to change cause thier lives did. Plus, I think styles today are meant to flatter their physiques. with age our tummies get flabby so attention is diverted from there, Short pants/skirts and tight blouses are common, though It used to be faces I noticed. This was pointed out by LeAnne who said that her dad told her that above all it is good to have a pretty face.
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More later... Lena needs me (likely she needs the computer.)
So, what did I gain? First of all, hours of contemplation which might have been just hours of digust had everything gone "ideally". I really had reached the end of my rope regarding my other skills. and foolishly, I wanted death to end a great life before it turned sour, but now I understand. But mostly I gained a needed insight on humanity, or religion.
Just yesterday someone mentioned the wind and I think it is a perfect analogy. She appreciated it, but most of the time we only notice it when it becomes a hurricane or tornado. Likewise, we tend to only notice the true power of our Father in Heaven when something bad happens, How unfortunate! I thought alot about how wind chimes give the wind a voice, much like prophets do. not being able to do for myself I became like a windmill, harnessing anther power and will to move forward. That's a large reason why I simply love that painting by Carl Bloch of an angel strengthening Jesus in the garden of gesthemene, not that I dare liken my tiny trial to earth greatest sacrifice, Anyway. I learned a lot about how thing work on a much larger scale which might not have even interested me otherwise. I now notice that even my other talents and brilliant thoughts did not originate with me. Inception? Ever wonder how the same idea happen in romote places at the same approximate time?
So, in conclusion, remember what we really celebrate at Christmas, crud. how can I say "merry Christmas" in a way that will actually be heard? The phrase itself has almost become a vain repetition.
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The recession has hit everybody really hard…
My Neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn’t afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 140 chracters.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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I started out writing a song, but as my words started to run away this ishat I ended up with:
I'd rather not write another song to say the same old things
that have already been said better before,
tho now I just can't, whatever the reason, seem to find it.
Like trying to rewrite Tolkein's Lord of the Rings.
Or, like refighting a civil war
to all end up the way you would like it.
--------------------------
So here's another song just to say that
the idea that you can be painted into a corner is wrong
and ought never be adopted as the truth.
So I dare you dance in a Three-cornered hat
Without encouraging the gong.
Go do what you won't, like smiling with one tooth
But as i turn to think about it, I don't know rightly what to do with it. It is a whole, not to be broken apart, but a few parts would make a nice song, which, honestly was my intention but, other parts don't fit to the tune. i could write new music, but I'm not sure if it is meant to be a song. It really doesn't fit with my story themed album, or does it? hmmm...
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A girl dreamt that she was swimming in the sea when she saw a Norvel. She knew they weren't real but, she didn't know that she was not in the ocean, but in a glass of water, or did she? Isn't it impossible to dream a thing unless the fodder already exsist somewhere.
Then, she was being pulled by a tide which made perfect sense. She knew the tide was an quantitative measure of something that effected that environment. It must be caused by the tug of the orbiting land mass. She heard a "gulp"? and had to come up with a new story to explain it.
It was a dream, so she never got tired. When a boat passed and offered her a ride, ofcourse she refused. But, in doing, she missed out on the opportunity to learn a whole lot of new things.
She stared at the sky, no, not looking for direction from the stars which would really make sense. But, she was looking for Fievel's moon. She wanted to share a focal point with someone because it was lonely in the middle of the ocean, but everyone it seemed was out of her league (nautically speaking). Ah hah! She wasn't alone, God could be that focal point if nothing more. So, she prayed sincerely wanting and hoping.
Just then, she saw a huge coral formation and a eire light. So out of curiosity she drove to find the light. When a large whale said, "there's nothing to see there come with me, I'll take you back to the surface to breathe" She couldn't speak, but thought to him, "no thanks." so, he swallowed her and then she woke up.
The End.
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Sunday School----
comments regrding Paul's letter to the Corinthians.
First off, I say it is funny to think that I moved here from Corinth, Ms and moved there from Gallatin, TN.
I had just been thinking hard about the language of the book of Mormon and how beautiful it was.
It seemed impossible, to me, that an uneducated man could've written such a thing, which fit in our lesson conclusion that God uses our weak things to confound the wise. i'm thinking Moses, and how he was chosen to be a prophet when he couldn't even speak well. It's funny how things that are impossible for the world are possible for God and so that's precisely what he does, to show us what he can do that our reasoning cannot even phathom.
ok, our lesson started by the teacher praising the language of the letter, And how perfectly everything was said.
"to be unified, we must not trust in man, our only unity comes through, Christ."
The lesson was broken down into three parts: (1)unity vs. Contention. (2)Wisdom of God vs. Wisdom of the world and(3)Immortality.
We never got to part three because so much was said about two.
There was a poem/story told about a guy building a bridge after he crossed tiresome cavern at dak. he was old and about to die anyway. He was asked by another why he didn't just move on, his huge trial was over. he replied that it wasn't for himself, but that there was another coming behind him and he wanted to assist his crossing. It made me think of two things. (1) I heard somewhere that native americans always take the time to consider how their choices will efect the next seven generations! and (2) from a Gen. Conf. talk how our faith NOW becomes our hildren's faith THEN. which makes me think of Shadowlands, and C.S. Lewis, ahh, but what doesn't.
Then we learned through a tragic story of a terrible car accident. I must point out that the points of the lesson wre constantly paralelled to the idea of the direction provided by the white lines on a road (made me think of the iron Rod of Lehi's dream) The story was true and dreadful. it reall tugged at your heart strings. Then it was concluded How dull the driver's morning/life would've been without this accident. He was really trying to stay in the lines, but as he applied his brakes (as with accidents) it was out of his control. to regain control he had to make his choice to get back on the road. Our teacher compared ths to how we sometimes fall asleep and veer off the path.
Sure we stumble, but must correct, and later we can look back and see how blessed we actually were for that "accident". I was almost giggling then at the thought that came to me then, but I'm not going to share it. But, continuing from whre i left off (like I always do after rambling because mom praised it in a CES guy in GA so I wanted to be like that)I remember our bishop saying once that people usually only really appreciate the sacrament when they need it. Don't we all need it? wether we acknowlege it or not we all cross the lines and need to correct. it just helps that some mistakes are more obvious. Also our teacher said that when he prays he always asks for forgiveness, but on conclusion got to think about it and wondered why, he hadn't done anything so terrible. reminds me of Nephi just before he died felt so much guilt like my little brother, matt, who felt all of this remorse in the MTC when, to me he seemed perfect. Maybe its like Joseph Smith's vision. before the good comes there is something equally bad.
It is important to endure to the end. My thought that accompanied that was "in the end we won't be judged for our intentions or progress, but for the direction we are headed." It is important to not ever give up, though it is easier from time to time, it's important to continue on even if we don't have to struggle to do so.
Relief Society------------------
might I point out that it was sorta funny how in Snday School our teacher said that he didn't think the fact that we had so many sister missionaries was a coincidence. he suggested, though i don't remember verbally of if that was a thought I imposed on him, that our ward unity was due to the exceeding faith of our sisters.
The teacher in RS said that she sat by the teacher for preisthood and they were doing the same lesson. They discussed how to start the lesson. Our teacher said that she was going to break us into groups and we tend to discuss perfectly what the whole lesson was about, plus, we really like eachother and are happy to talk to our neighbors. LOL. I actually do enjoy hearing what the others think which is why I do not really say much.
The most profound thing in the duration of the lesson was when a sister talked about tithing.
I jotted this much down,"tithing taught by example so ingrained on children that they still keep that law even though they left the church." Few thing strke me so hard, but today it was the law of tithing. I have alot of faith promoting stories in my own life, but they all dim in comparison to this lady's testimony that we ought to pay our tithng because God does keep his promises to open the windows of heaven. In my person, after hearing, really hearig her, there was no room for doubt. A little Russian girl, Ukrainian, sorry, didn't speak much, I suspect her english isn't too good. But, she took the time to explain that when we keep the commandments (which you'd think is obvious) that we feel God's love and then we no longer have desire to do anything bad.Bing! Bing! Bing! woah, yeah. In my little group another pregnant (rural) chick explained that it was so important to link the consequences to the commandment in our lives (when we teach). That baby is going to be so fortunate!
The things we are doing are not only for us.
ok, I took up enough time. I could say so much more, but won't.
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I got the idea from Tolkein and Dickens. I make up tales for my kids, but I bet others would like to hear them, too. But that wouldn't really matter, It's like mythology tell a story to teach something or tell why a thing happens, but leave enough blanks to remain objective, in other words, don't pin down the meaning. You'll hinder the readers creativity.
Chapter One:
introduction of characters
Chapter 2
Car accident
Chapter 3
my idea of death and a temporary heaven.
Chapter 4
regret for all that went wrong.
Rebirth (second chance)
Chapter 5
childhood's fading memory. Things happen to jar it, but no recollection.
Chapter 6
Major coincidences gives purpose to Marriage.
Chapter 7
Another Wedding
Chapter 8
Behind the scenes. Making bad things happen.
Chapter 8
oops! Timing is different which cause error.
There don't want to give too much. I bet you wish that was the case in other areas. Every wise one knows that it is better to want then to get instantly.That's actually why Elizabeth and Zachariah couldn't have children at first.
Plus, what I already gave will likely grow into more chapters.
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It's a truly educational place. There were alot of subjects to observe, and maybe they are a good sampling of the population.
Alright, here are the two things I've been mulling over in my head:
1) heights 2)general appearance
it is one thing to read statistics and facts about people but another to firsthand notice and conclude something, though I'm not sure if acuracy has anything to do with it.
1) I had been thinking about it and forming my own ideas, which had changed. I thought that I was short and so my husband was. But, I saw a guy who looked tall. Probably, was told all of his life how tall he was (I think how others verbally percieve you impresses you and becomes sort of self-fufilling). As he was close enough I noticed that he wasn't alot taller than me and was as tall as my husband, who does NOT impress me as being tall, though he thinks he is. I think that has two reasons. The first is that he is quite heavy, and there was a tape Brandall wanted me to listen to when I saw a therapist about my poor self image called ,"I'm not heavy I'm just too short for my weight." lol now I'm singing "He ain't heavy he's my Brother" in my head. likewise a roomate of mine thought we were the same size (She was an olmpic weight lifter) so, I let her try on my wetsuit and she failed but said it would've fit but the torso wasn't long enough. secondly, I was surrounded by people who's average height was 5' 6" and so you assume that's how you look. Afterall, they gave me hand me downs. My husband was around other tall people who were all around 6' or taller. So that might have something to do with it.
2) I noticed how many beautiful women there were. Hmmm what happened to those girls who I met when I tried to live in Provo. You know, the kind Mark Twain spoke of when he said that he felt sorry for anyman who married one of them, let alone many. But, I came up with 2 more explanations for this phenomenon. 1) I was initially too preoccupied with their crazy hair and clothing to notice anything else, but now that they are tamed I notice that they have more than just big boobs, though per capita, I think Utah women have bigger boobs, it's just genetic. But, they have pretty faces and dispositions, too. I also, think it was likely they didn't change but my critical nature did. But, the other major change that facilitated the transformation is style or motherhood. They just had to change cause thier lives did. Plus, I think styles today are meant to flatter their physiques. with age our tummies get flabby so attention is diverted from there, Short pants/skirts and tight blouses are common, though It used to be faces I noticed. This was pointed out by LeAnne who said that her dad told her that above all it is good to have a pretty face.
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More later... Lena needs me (likely she needs the computer.)
None
This was so silly! I gave my kids little books of candy as an early christmas present. I asked each if I could have a piece of candy. Gavin constantly tried to give me candy. Boys! then Lena said, "Okay, I'll share. I'll give you one plus N."
Christmas story
A Christmas story
A man calls his son the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
...
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, "the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."
Frantic,the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,"they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way!!.
A man calls his son the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
...
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, "the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her."
Frantic,the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,"they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way!!.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
huh?
Mu daughters came up with a better game than contact! now they bump eachother with their butts and say "Attention" It started because Brooksie bumped Lena trying to get her attention and it worked. Now the gamr is called attention. istead of the game Lindsay and Jeremy used to play called "contact". They used to chase me around the house saying double contact. good grief.
I wore Lena's clothes to show that although she was originally inside my body, she has grown to be the same size as me, only I'm taller, then we stood on stuff saying "Oh, yeah" Finnally, I said, "Well, i'm not done yet." which is what I told them about how they would probably be taller than me. I stood so high that my head was touching the ceiling so no one could be taller.
Later, we were sitting and talking and they said, "It's not fair, mom. You are too pretty." LOL I explained that everyone thinks that their mother is so pretty or the most beautiful woman in the world, even Elmo thinks his mom is and she's a monster and he draws her with three legs. Brooksie said that he tells lies too, I asked "About what?" She told me that he said that he never saw his parents and they disappeared after he was born. *poof*
I wore Lena's clothes to show that although she was originally inside my body, she has grown to be the same size as me, only I'm taller, then we stood on stuff saying "Oh, yeah" Finnally, I said, "Well, i'm not done yet." which is what I told them about how they would probably be taller than me. I stood so high that my head was touching the ceiling so no one could be taller.
Later, we were sitting and talking and they said, "It's not fair, mom. You are too pretty." LOL I explained that everyone thinks that their mother is so pretty or the most beautiful woman in the world, even Elmo thinks his mom is and she's a monster and he draws her with three legs. Brooksie said that he tells lies too, I asked "About what?" She told me that he said that he never saw his parents and they disappeared after he was born. *poof*
Friday, December 9, 2011
the gift
They were right who said that I belonged in this medium.
I will write my orignal thought before I get all teary remembering what will never be.
This year, I am promising t be thankful all year-round, endlessly, And I only want one gift this year and it will be my constant prayer, never forgotten, hoped for, etc, etc, etc.
We all have a gift and all ask for one on Christmas. Why is that?
I wrote a song for Christmas one year long long ago:
What shall I give when I kneel at his feet and I weep for what have I done to show how much I love thee?
It can't be enough to say, "I love you." for as I love so shall I live
if ye love me, then feed my sheep.
Heavenly father, listen as I pray, dear father help me to obey
you get the point.... My babies are laughing too much. I need to go check this out.
I will write my orignal thought before I get all teary remembering what will never be.
This year, I am promising t be thankful all year-round, endlessly, And I only want one gift this year and it will be my constant prayer, never forgotten, hoped for, etc, etc, etc.
We all have a gift and all ask for one on Christmas. Why is that?
I wrote a song for Christmas one year long long ago:
What shall I give when I kneel at his feet and I weep for what have I done to show how much I love thee?
It can't be enough to say, "I love you." for as I love so shall I live
if ye love me, then feed my sheep.
Heavenly father, listen as I pray, dear father help me to obey
you get the point.... My babies are laughing too much. I need to go check this out.
still waiting?
I am, still, waiting (commas are for pauses) for the great idea of the weekend to attack.I ought to just prepare, but how do you prepare fpr an idea, this blo is just getting my mind off of it, an unwise move, but really,i got nothing yet,and the kids will be here soon expecting fun, cause that's what mo time has become a regularly scheduled vacation from real life.
Maybe, I'll let them eat my pizza, yeah, but then what? I do need to bake some Christmaas stuff, but the kitchen isn't big enough but one or two at a time will work, and they will much prefer to eat anyway, I popped corn and prepared two movies for them. one is of "The headless Snowman"! How cool is that. The scooby gang has all of the fun, and phineas and ferb seem to use up all that's left, but, just maybe we can make our own Christmas movie! that would be fun, or make a book. I'll come up with a title and let them do the rest and I'm sure it will be quite amusing! Ahhh! yeah, that's it! It hit me. And grabbed a hold of my thoughts and screamed "Think McFly" ok, So that's to be it, a story a christmas story, by them.
Maybe, I'll let them eat my pizza, yeah, but then what? I do need to bake some Christmaas stuff, but the kitchen isn't big enough but one or two at a time will work, and they will much prefer to eat anyway, I popped corn and prepared two movies for them. one is of "The headless Snowman"! How cool is that. The scooby gang has all of the fun, and phineas and ferb seem to use up all that's left, but, just maybe we can make our own Christmas movie! that would be fun, or make a book. I'll come up with a title and let them do the rest and I'm sure it will be quite amusing! Ahhh! yeah, that's it! It hit me. And grabbed a hold of my thoughts and screamed "Think McFly" ok, So that's to be it, a story a christmas story, by them.
Eye color
So, I have been told that my eyes are not really blue, but are grey and turquoise, but they look blue to me, and isn't that what matters?
My children have blue eyes, sure mine aren't as awesomely icy blue as others in my family, but they are infact blue for the last time. i won't defend it anymore.
Eye color is poly genetic, so a bit comes from each parent and it combines to determine the result, like height, so it is not a matter of one parent's genes being expressed and another's not. for instance, my mother had what appeared brown eyes, but I ended up with blue. I think I got the grey from her and the turquoise from dad, who comes from a line of very fine eyes, if ever a man had such things, my ancestors did.
I learned so much researchng because of one false thing I was off-handedly taught in elementary school. It just didn't make sense, I HAD to be adopted there was no explanation for my O- blood type. Most of my children have negaticve blood because Brandall was O- as well. Nick was A+ I think, but somehow our son ended up
-. I think Mary is +. See how that could confuse you if you honestlt believed heredity was recessive or dominant? I could not have blue eyes or 0- blood because my mother ad o+ and it said that dad had o+ ob his dog tags, but really he had AB- I thnk.
Levels
So much could be said about levels, and I find that if I use words to express my feelings that they swell up within me. So, here goes an attempt.
In my early life while people were learning to do things I just came by most things effortlessly. Supposedly, they were abilities I had already mastered. I took a cllass once in acting where our professor explained that we need to be in the moment. I do not know where I was, I cannot recall many things, it is like my body either erased all knowledge or recollection or it just wasn't memorable. I think that we make little markers to help us remember before and subsequent events. to my early mind, this was pointless and took up memory. I thik it was a type of mental condition sort of like a full-functioning sevant. Somehow it went entirely unnoticed by others, it was assumed that I was brilliant and talented, until I suppose my husband figured it out,"You have never grown up, it is like you are still a child in an adult body." I saw no problem with this, until now, and I call it levels.
One friend made quite an impression on me by talking about "being on the same page". So, I looked and found someone on the same page and called him PeterPan. Trouble is, I grew up but he didn't. And now wearenot on the same page. My trouble is no longer that I cannot do what I could before, but that I am not who I was before. Admittedly, and others have observed it, I was sort of child-like. It was really tough going through those teenage levels, but it must be done in order. I am normal now, an adjusted adult, but I am totally miserable because I am on a different page thsn my husband. I actually do not like him at all. How could I have changed that much? *shrug* It is a left over from my old self to just do things and trust that I knew what I was doing. I never gave much consideration to laws or rules, though I naturally kept them because they were in line with my desires.
So, now where do I turn, do laws apply to me now? What now? I suppose I just get ready for the end of the world.
Another thought is that levels of undersranding often conflict in marriages so they are not built on that, but on love or physical desire. Pretty common, but I thought it foolish and married regardless of attraction, it was more out of a intent to have an ideal family. I thought that I had chose properly, but though my husband isa good father,ok, not really, he doesn't care a bit for me, or if he does he keeps it secret.
I think it is common for couples to grow at different rates and my mind tells me that it doesn't matter the rate of growth, but the destination. And that is what pains my heart the most. I think my husband means to end up where I do, but his choices speak otherwise, and so on that they agree that the only way to achieve a peace of mind or happiness is to find someone who makes similar choices and just trusting someone because they say so won't fly anymore.
In my early life while people were learning to do things I just came by most things effortlessly. Supposedly, they were abilities I had already mastered. I took a cllass once in acting where our professor explained that we need to be in the moment. I do not know where I was, I cannot recall many things, it is like my body either erased all knowledge or recollection or it just wasn't memorable. I think that we make little markers to help us remember before and subsequent events. to my early mind, this was pointless and took up memory. I thik it was a type of mental condition sort of like a full-functioning sevant. Somehow it went entirely unnoticed by others, it was assumed that I was brilliant and talented, until I suppose my husband figured it out,"You have never grown up, it is like you are still a child in an adult body." I saw no problem with this, until now, and I call it levels.
One friend made quite an impression on me by talking about "being on the same page". So, I looked and found someone on the same page and called him PeterPan. Trouble is, I grew up but he didn't. And now wearenot on the same page. My trouble is no longer that I cannot do what I could before, but that I am not who I was before. Admittedly, and others have observed it, I was sort of child-like. It was really tough going through those teenage levels, but it must be done in order. I am normal now, an adjusted adult, but I am totally miserable because I am on a different page thsn my husband. I actually do not like him at all. How could I have changed that much? *shrug* It is a left over from my old self to just do things and trust that I knew what I was doing. I never gave much consideration to laws or rules, though I naturally kept them because they were in line with my desires.
So, now where do I turn, do laws apply to me now? What now? I suppose I just get ready for the end of the world.
Another thought is that levels of undersranding often conflict in marriages so they are not built on that, but on love or physical desire. Pretty common, but I thought it foolish and married regardless of attraction, it was more out of a intent to have an ideal family. I thought that I had chose properly, but though my husband isa good father,ok, not really, he doesn't care a bit for me, or if he does he keeps it secret.
I think it is common for couples to grow at different rates and my mind tells me that it doesn't matter the rate of growth, but the destination. And that is what pains my heart the most. I think my husband means to end up where I do, but his choices speak otherwise, and so on that they agree that the only way to achieve a peace of mind or happiness is to find someone who makes similar choices and just trusting someone because they say so won't fly anymore.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
What am I?
Ok, so. They don't make a size for me, and It is not "healthy" or "normal" for a woman of my height to weigh this amount. I guess my answer is that I'm just not normal, something isn't right. but, I'm going to deal with this and figure it all out before Mary needs to be comforted, too. Note: I'm not skinny. I just do not fit the norm for a woman. And there is little to nothing I can do to change that, so I'm just going to deal with it. I thought maybe I could get surgery to make myself look more like others, but that would only make my daughters feel alone... I gotta figure this out. It's not about diet or excercise. It's about accepting who I am.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Teeth
I just lost two more.
But who's counting? Really? I am. It is not a pleasant thing, but nothing really is it seems, so I'll make it. It only means I'm that much closer to not having any more teeth! I haven't figured out why that would be a positive thing yet, though.
But, I did ask my MIL and her sister about oral surgery. seems I'll be entirely sedated, so Might as well, just plan on anintensive surgery, it's my only option right now. I hear the residual pain is terrible especially if I'll need a bone graft, but it means that after it is over, my oral pain will just be a memory, that day will come! I think of the People who had to wait and wait just for Christ to come, but then, they had to believe that he would do the things needed. I suppose having new teeth is nothing compared to a fresh clean, repentent soul. If they coudwait and believe, so can I.
I have a story for that! A boy was sitting in his living room wanting desperately to get his turn to play a game. His mother told him that he would definately get his turn after the oters finished. but even knowing this, he got mad when anoth "cut i line" and got a turn before him. So, he stormed off, forfietting his chance because it wasn't how he wanted it.
But who's counting? Really? I am. It is not a pleasant thing, but nothing really is it seems, so I'll make it. It only means I'm that much closer to not having any more teeth! I haven't figured out why that would be a positive thing yet, though.
But, I did ask my MIL and her sister about oral surgery. seems I'll be entirely sedated, so Might as well, just plan on anintensive surgery, it's my only option right now. I hear the residual pain is terrible especially if I'll need a bone graft, but it means that after it is over, my oral pain will just be a memory, that day will come! I think of the People who had to wait and wait just for Christ to come, but then, they had to believe that he would do the things needed. I suppose having new teeth is nothing compared to a fresh clean, repentent soul. If they coudwait and believe, so can I.
I have a story for that! A boy was sitting in his living room wanting desperately to get his turn to play a game. His mother told him that he would definately get his turn after the oters finished. but even knowing this, he got mad when anoth "cut i line" and got a turn before him. So, he stormed off, forfietting his chance because it wasn't how he wanted it.
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