Levels

So much could be said about levels, and I find that if I use words to express my feelings that they swell up within me. So, here goes an attempt.

In my early life while people were learning to do things I just came by most things effortlessly. Supposedly, they were abilities I had already mastered. I took a cllass once in acting where our professor explained that we need to be in the moment. I do not know where I was, I cannot recall many things, it is like my body either erased all knowledge or recollection or it just wasn't memorable. I think that we make little markers to help us remember before and subsequent events. to my early mind, this was pointless and took up memory. I thik it was a type of mental condition sort of like a full-functioning sevant. Somehow it went entirely unnoticed by others, it was assumed that I was brilliant and talented, until I suppose my husband figured it out,"You have never grown up, it is like you are still a child in an adult body." I saw no problem with this, until now, and I call it levels.

One friend made quite an impression on me by talking about "being on the same page". So, I looked and found someone on the same page and called him PeterPan. Trouble is, I grew up but he didn't. And now wearenot on the same page. My trouble is no longer that I cannot do what I could before, but that I am not who I was before. Admittedly, and others have observed it, I was sort of child-like. It was really tough going through those teenage levels, but it must be done in order. I am normal now, an adjusted adult, but I am totally miserable because I am on a different page thsn my husband. I actually do not like him at all. How could I have changed that much? *shrug* It is a left over from my old self to just do things and trust that I knew what I was doing. I never gave much consideration to laws or rules, though I naturally kept them because they were in line with my desires.

So, now where do I turn, do laws apply to me now? What now? I suppose I just get ready for the end of the world.

Another thought is that levels of undersranding often conflict in marriages so they are not built on that, but on love or physical desire. Pretty common, but I thought it foolish and married regardless of attraction, it was more out of a intent to have an ideal family. I thought that I had chose properly, but though my husband isa good father,ok, not really, he doesn't care a bit for me, or if he does he keeps it secret.

I think it is common for couples to grow at different rates and my mind tells me that it doesn't matter the rate of growth, but the destination. And that is what pains my heart the most. I think my husband means to end up where I do, but his choices speak otherwise, and so on that they agree that the only way to achieve a peace of mind or happiness is to find someone who makes similar choices and just trusting someone because they say so won't fly anymore.