Another advantage I mangled into a disadvantage

First was my musical skill which should have allowed me a greater ability to communicate, but I griped about being so misunderstood, then my physique which perfectly lent it's power and beauty, but I only fretted about being different, though, it was better and now I complain about being too plain and ordinary. But, the real advantage I realized was that I was blessed to both be raised to and realize the insignificance of money in a family. Never had it, never cared a bit for it and considered myself fortunate, and really it opened a whole lot of possibilities as far as companion because my choice had nothing to do with money, but that wasn't enough for me. I determined that I did not require love either, and got so into not limiting my possibilities, I turned what could have been a limiting advantage (cause now I know that not being interested in money is rare among women) into a huge disadvantage, not only would I live in poverty but I would not live on love. And now I am living on my sheer desire to succeed which, admittedly at times wears thin. I am beyond not having any money, I cannot have anything, and I do not have love either so what the heck do I have? Well, it is not an eternal flame or enduring Passion, but cute little kids for which I would sacrifice and do so much, but I wonder if I am still too selfish. Maybe if I really loved them then I would get away and let them have an eternal family to be sealed to for eternity. I just can not be sure of any such thing. Cause, and this is the heart wrenching kicker. I think my husband loves me. I didn't used to even think that and I thought that the reason we were not sealed yet was because he did not value me enough, but, now I think he just is too dumb to think if it. It honestly never occurs to him that he could jepordize his family because he does not see the significance of a temple marraige, so to him just our little legal arrangement is significant enough. Blah, I must get to bed.

I promised to love him and our family, but I had no right. I was only thinking of making life easier than being a single parent. So, I agreed to it, and thought another child would seal my fate, because I would never dare leaving them regardless. And things were so busy my head was spinning, but as they mellow out, and I come to my senses I scream out, "what have I done?" It Is like when you cut your bangs, sure, they are cute for a while, and will grow out again, but how are you going to endure the troubles associated with styling them if they do not feel worth it and you wonder. "What have I done?"