As always. I am going through an ultimate low. I know that I cannot cease to exsit but, I am just so exhausted that I need a break from everything. I am contemplating what would the consequence be if I just quit. I am tired of fighting so hard all of the time for things that ought to just be. Like my gait. I collaspsed on the couch and thought for some reason I have to fight just to do normal things like others. For example, to just sit, walk, or watch kids requires enormous amounts of energy. I cannot say why I even want to do these things anyway, but I do, but what if I just stopped trying? It makes me start to ask myself what do I want ideally to happen. I do not want things to be easy, and if I were my idea of beatiful, then what? So stinking what? I have the ability to get everything I said was valuable to me, but I am not content.
It seems like I am just too proud to just say, "Hey, I was wrong and this Isn't going to work. Help me." Cause, I still fully believe that it could and it will, so I think of a song, "Don't stop here..."
But, seriously, lately I am noticing how close people are coming to the recognition of things, but they do not realize how things really are. So close yet so far...
I think probably previous couples might have felt just as I do. I have done the best I can as I make terrible choices, but, I see now that my idea of what was right was not right. It is not right to fix up and recycle a bad thing expecting it to be good, but if I were wise once I recognized an error, I should have repented and started over and do better if not perfect instead of trying to mask things by making them seem good hoping they would become as expected.
I am sleepy.
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