My latest discovery

This one is regarding obesity.

I was thinking about causes and fascinated by suggested notions. Most ideas that everyone believes, but no evidence actually supports, the effects are seen and the causes ae then conjectured. Well, I thought to myself, if we do not need ant real evidence to start a trend in the things we believe make us fat, then I will pose some ideas.

I believe that people are getting fatter because it was called an epidemic, and so they think along the lies "Everybody is doing it!" So, they sort of use that group mentality thing to justify their natural inclination to overeat. Because really, we are going to look a certain way genetically, no special food or diet devoid of a certain ingredient is going to make us skinnier.

On top of that, I do not think that the whole social media phenomenon is good for our health anyway. Knowing what the rest of the world is doing only gives us reasons to rationalize the acceptableness(new word?) of our faults. I suggest that being overweight is a fault. Only this belief is supported by the Bible, as Glutony is a sin, though, facebook and twitter suggest that it's not.

Where did I get such an idea? Mostly it was in moving here, to Utah. For the first time in my life I would be around other "Mormons!" this was a really unique things. I was always the minority. Even my philosophy professor asked me if I was a Philosopht major or if I would consider it if not. I told him, "No, I'm o philosopher, I'm just Mormon. I know what Ibelieve and have had to know why."

When I moved here, I noticed how being around so many other saints (which one would think would be a strength) made people behave pretty much the same as people everywhere did. I was shocked. In my mind, And comments made by my lawyer convinced me that everyone would behave so differently, it would be like a utopia where everyone knew what to do and be and their actions demonstrated it. Instead, I saw a group mentality and that because of a greater chance of the "bad guy" being mormon, too. It increased the "Allowability" of justified bad behavior. Afterall, if he is mormon and he does that, too then it's ok for me. In short I noted a lot of hypocrisy.

I did not seccumb to such notions, like consuming more food because everyone else is doing it. I just naturally like to be who I am, and that wasn't who the majority was and that was ok with me. Mostly, I was effected by the example of my parents regarding hypocrisy. OK, pull up a chair, no pictures, but it's storytime!

The missionaries found my parents in a little college town in the upper penisula of Michigan. My dad thought  this was quite a coincidence because he had just met some former missionaries at Basic Training who had given him a Book of Mormon. My parents were rock musicians and college students, and they thought Mormons only lived out in Utah, Dad has told me about really odd stories they studied in grade school about Seagulls rescuing their crops as a miracle! Anyway, the missionaries were invited in and made it a regular thing to visit and end up teaching a bit.

Being in their peer group and frankly, smoking and alcohol were perfectly acceptable and normal in their current lifestyle. My mother was cleaning up ashtrays and other beverage items in preparation for their visit and she stopped and told my dad that she did not want to be a hypocrit. Either they needed to tell the missionaries to stop comming or believe what they were teaching and change. They discussed this and decided to tell the missionaies to stop visiting. ha ha ha, ofcourse, they came back, and the rest is history now, but not so distant yet, still it makes a nice story.

 

The moral of the story, I really ought to let you find yourself, but my point in using that story was to give a bit of backgroud to why I see things as I do and why I loathe hypocrisy, If you are going to do something do it! if it is wrong, you will know ansd make proper restitutions, or in this case cut out the real offenders of your diet, not just buy in to what everyone else is saying.

 

I am trying

I am trying, but I don't get it. Why should we get something we always wanted? Isn't that kinda like saying "my wants are best so you should change."?

Especially in relationships, if you don't have what you want, you either 1) learn to want what you have or 2) try again.

Like formating a hard drive, so much will be lost, make sure your wants are that important.

Marriage is like getting a tatoo on your face, you sorta need to be comitted to the idea.

long, long ago...

I think that the reason I think celebrities are moe mature for their age is because they are, but I used to think it was a way we distance them from ourselves. In stories to gsain credibility it happend long ago and far away.

I was just realizing that famous singers and actors were always much older than me, now they are younger, so weren't they ever my age. I used to think the same about Missionaries that my dad would try to pawn me off on saying that I can cook and wash dishes etc. It never bothered me because they were way distant to me in age, not really though, but when I was the same age, I nearly lived on splits with the sister missionariers or fed them. Anyway, then they were waay younger than me, little kids even, and really my friend's have children who are married or on missions, one friend kindly said, "I guess you just weren't as anxious as the rest of us." But being overly anxious is actually a problem for me.

I always did the same thing with actors, they were always much older or much younger, surely some must be the same age. I nearly freak out when I realize a famous musician is my age. But that explains what they were doing and why I didn't find many like-minded pople around. I was out busy being normal while they were being famous. We are not seperate, my cultural icons and I by age but by a mystical maturity level that seperates us. I missded noticing when I was at that particular point to be able to relate.

On that note, it found out that famous musicians attended the same summercamps as me and such, places where my superiotity felt unchallanged. I guess awesomeness isn't really indicated well by popular opinion. There are alot who would be deemed amazing even by their own critical peers, though.

It is just fun to think what if my best friend, LeAnne, was actually a superstar something or other. wel, I'll tell you what. She would probably not be my friend and would be a much less cool person. But that misses the point, that I could be so close in age and maturity or in other words familiarity with people I held higher than myself.

unpremeditated thoughts

This is the equalivant of giving a speech without having any idea or pattern for what you will say.
I was thinking about why it is that men just naturally seek to please women, and women expect them to. Admittedly, I was hurt that I was never proposed to and never got an engagement ring. My dad told me such rings demonstrate comitment to giving you the finest of things, even if it was not affordable. And it has proven to be a great example of thr sort of commitment my husband makes for me. Really, nothing he does is for me. But how it will make him appear, I thought that having no ring would reflect poorly on him and he would feel ahamed, he is more or less embarrased or ashamed of me. I bought him a ring and he broke it and threw it away, never really wore it anyway. It was the idea. A ring symbolizes eternity, that we would go on forever. I got him one that I thought he would like it was black hermatite, and sort of glossy, a conversation piece at least, but he got new plain ones, instead. I heard in a movie once that Jewelry cannot be purchased for oneself, so it is a better judge of your character to judge the things that people choose to give you or how much jeqwelry you have. I don't have any. I lost my Gospel in Action necklace down the drain, and cannot find my Youngwomenhood medalion, which I loved and wore near constantly for years. I guess that doesn't matter now, I have bigger concerns.

But, enough husband bashing! I only want to understand the reason why men are so femalecentric. I am guessing it has to do with Love and sex, but I am trying to comprehend how it fits into the story of our exsistance. and having said that, I bid you good night.

Ok, I was watching videos this morning and had this realization about why The ideal woman changes so much and yet some women are happy regardless.

I'll start there. I have noticed that so many women I idolized actually looked like me, and yet, they are considered beautiful. Specifically, I am referring to Andrea Corr and that lead singe chick for the Cranberries. I have always been slight, and self conscious about it. I see them and think, "Well, they don't have big boobs and still seem happy and confident." Ok Segue time!

I guess men saw women lke that and because they thought they were pretty then the men assumed that was what pretty was, a skinny little waif. I actually love that, but their wives didn't. Women all over the world wanted to be that ideal and it made them cranky because they just were never going to be that way, and diets make them unfriendly. Well, then men always seek to please so they instead say, "Oh, but honestly, we love bigger women." So, now we see larger women as the ideal. But, then where does that leave me? Unable to be large to have fat boobs and just jealous....enter cosmetic surgery and now we sort of have a hybrid of an ideal woman who is thin, with big boobs. Yeah, not going to happen, and if it does it is a freak of nature! I want to edit in a quote, "A beautiful young woman is a freak of nature. A beautifu older woman is a work of art." I guess with enough cosmetics and surgery we can all be works of art if that is the standard.not so desirable.

Really, the solution is for women to stop compaing themselves to one another but rather against what they should be, and let the men appreciate what you are each step of the way. Face it, we're goin to all get pregnant, old or ok at least uglier, then we die and get to pick how we look. I will get to pick out my ideal man then, so I see that it is acceptable to look at potential, etenally speaking, it is a lot longer. I tend to see what I will be dealing with forever rather than just until I die. Really, won't we have more children forever anyway? I mean how the heck did we become God's Children? If marriage isn't just an earthly thing, why do we fret about earthly attraction? I put my money on it has something to do with luring in the right guy. So, guys need to start appreciating health.

My conclusion this morning is that ultimately men are molding the world though I was feeling sorry for the way they are mistreated and yet constantly subserviant, like a little puppy dog. But, women love puppy dogs, huh? So the two (men and women) are intertwined and sort of need one another. It all works out in the end. I would like to write it out in a ballanced equation, but that would be pointless. And I want to start a new president that it can be said "none of the things she did in life were pointless." So, why am I still typing?

My Friday conclusion

I don't know how strong this idea is, or if it will remain, but right now it needs some attention. I was thinking about how music tells me what love is. I always thought it was foolish so I paid no heed and thought my assumptions were popular nothing more.

Tonight as I sat by myself again thinking about all of the things I had supposed that love was, though I didn't act accordingly. As I lisened to songs, unsure who the heck wrote them anyway, feeling disgruntled because what I had was nothing even closely like that.

I even chewed out Nick's behavior to joe (though he could not understand). I said that it was so stupid for him to spend his time and thoughts on things that were not important and then expect me to just be patient while he tried to become who he ought to have been all along. I think True Love is a gift for those who deserve it!

Really, the music made me realize the thing that I was really upset about wasn't even anything that they were singing about directly. I am upset because my forgiving nature has been constantly abused. It would have been better to have never had these experiences, now that was not true. Each experience taught me what doesn't work, and failure is very common in huge successes.  I think of all of the big accomplishments that were litered with failure.

The bottom line is that Nick is doing what is good,but even if he became perfect, I wouldn't want to be with him. It is not about what he is rather what he isn't. After two children, three years and unemployment, if he hasn't yet told me that he loves me or done all that he could to show me that he could not imagine life without me, chances are he is not the one. The thought is that it shouldn't be a struggle anyway.

I am used to being treated like crap and so I have come to accept and expect it, but I do not nor will I ever love it. Eternity is a long time. I do not want to settle nor feel like someone settled for me. That is it.

I have something else first

I was thinking about something in words yeserday, but my computer wouldn't connect to the internet, but I figured it out, silly. I'm not as dumb as you think.

I made a video, too:


September 20 2012 I learned the best lesson tonight from Stargate Atlantis. Strange that it never occurred to me before. The Episode was in SEason 3 named Irresponsible. The town was protected by a man with super powers, which were seen to have been yet another way for Lucious to decieve other, though he felt he was being honest.

The realization I had did not happen while I was watching the show it was afterwards when I was thinking about why I could actually stand that episode ands bear to watch it now. I was thinking alot about a woman's speech about how the people of the town needed to stand up for themselves instead of waiting around for Lucious to save them, because by so doing they were loosin the very thing they sought to protect, their freedom. Independance is what is lost when we rely on another for protection. I started thinking about husbands and making a big comparison there. Then, Licious chimes in and tells the woman not to take it too far, so I thought that fit in perfectly with what I was thinking regarding the whole feminism thing.

Ok, my big realization was that I was sitting around, feeling like I needed to be rescued and even praying for something to be orchestrated, somehow. I realized that the reasonI wasn't acting for myself is because I was placing faith in something, or more to the point someone, but we are taught that when our faith is in correct thingsa it becomes active. It s not about waiting around for that or even hoping for that, that is why nothing is ever going to become of it.

I woke up thinking about someone else, but that wasn't the solution, then, another chance encounter happened and I realized that my answer is that I ought to rely on noone, that is why I failed each time. I need to become active and find more that I can do an hope for something or someone who isn't specific. I have been taught that it is the point that we give up entirely that we recognize the true power of God. I was looking for it only in the wrong places. God is no respecter of persons.

The way I see it, I will only be married in the temple, no other way will do what I need eternally, So that limits me to people who are able to take me to the temple, I ought not even concern myself with those who could if motivated enough.

So, what am I going to do? nothing, as I was reading a bible story to Joseph. It was clear that he needed my upbringing. It will be the most significant thing in his life, my life will have to revlve around that for a while. I need to discuss this with Nick, that simply, needs to be done.

breakthrough!

This time, the lesson was actually learned. So many ideas come to my mind, and I get frustrated because I forget them too quickly. This idea was like that one which many times enlightening my mind then fickered away. Such ideas felt so good (instant flash to FF) and my blog was an attempt at capturing such ideas before they escaped. This time, the idea attached itself so firmly to so many things that it stayed. And, just now I am remembering occasions where such "illuminations" were hintingb at something too secret to share, but I definately will share the rest.

The first significant illumination was when I imagined a visual representation of what is Biblically reffered to as Jacob's ladder. I was thinking about how every one of us was on different rungs of that ladder, so what really mattered was the destination not the progress. I forgot it though because it unearthed questions that I was not ready to answer yet, like the role of religion.

Then, today, I read this:

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but inst ead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'. We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

This recalled a similar impression I had while watching a documentary that loving others is the most important thing we can do in this life, nothing else really matters much, it is all just distraction. I was so completely transfixed by this idea that I had to turn it off and do what I knew to do to keep myself from recieving more than I could bear. I wanted to pray.

In my prayer I asked to understand the role of religon in it all. and the first pat of my answer was that hadn't I learned by my religon to pray in the first place? Oh yeah! If our religons fail to help us to love one aother then they have failed, too. There is really only two ways to think, like a ladder, towards or away from the goal. Alot of religons capture people and use what captures them to mingle, if you will, the ideas they believe are true, with other teachings used to get gain. There have been a lot of examples of this throughout history. I particularly liked scenes from "The Season of the Witch".

As to why their are so many paths leading to the same place, it is because God loves us so much and appreciates our uniqueness. He has given a man a vision (Lehi's Dream) where he does explain the most sure way, and assures us that if we hold on to the rod (Word of God) of Iron, that it leads us on that path when we cannot see (we cannot dispute the importance of sight in such a situation). So, we claim that our faith is the most correct, and that others are correct, too. Sticking with that glorious dream, it seems that even after being guided entirely the right way we can still fail after we have even tasted of the most desirable of fruit.

God uses trees alot in his communications with man. I think there is a

significance to this. Like even in the garden of Eden or the use of

Olive trees.

So, we see that things have littered our way to be distractions to us (like sex instead of Love), this lesson was forcefully taught to me at a youth conference in Mississippi where church leaders and other people we trusted were leading us to do other things that seemed good, but wouldn't help us in the end.

Side track, got to go show some of that love to my screaming children. I cannot concentrate right now, but I wanted to tell someone. That is why I love Jesus Christ so much and his gspel is called the gospel or "good news".

the problem with obedience

If you do something because you are told it doesn't have the same effect and that is the trouble with obedience. I am learning it firsthand. Those around me seemed afflicted because they lacked an obedient husband, so I vauled it more than I should have. If I told my husband to say or do something, he would but, that sort of ruins his opportuity to do it*. Let me explain. There are a number of things that I wish that my husband would do, but more importantly I wish that he had just once even expressed to me how he felt about me, but he covered his butt by saying that it is too hard to talk to me, so he never tried. One would then assume such obstacles were overcome for him to be obedient and tell me that he does in fact love me. But, that sort of ruins it, he wins points for obedience but my heart still feels empty.

Conclusion: I am not a canumdrum (sp?) wanting something unreal because I got what I wanted and am not pleased. I got what I asked for, but I have realized that what I want is for someone who is obedient AND is "On the same page". Nothing needs to be said, because both want the same thing. It is just a symptom, not the problem, to over communicate.

Nick's step mother said it wonderfully when she was dating his father. He asked her what she wanted. Something generally seen as good sign, >>>>He wants to please you!!!<<< Then, she said, "I want someone to do (list of good things) with me." He said "Oh, well, I can do that!" Then, she explained that he just didn't get it. He needs to want to do those things for himself, not because she asked. Ah hah! that is exactly what men complain about women wanting mind readers, really they just want someone who thinks like them. "What does it mater who you marry if he is a good Southerner and thinks like you." -Gone With the Wind

*my solution is just be patient and let him do things on his own time frame. It sounds good, but isn't working out so well for me. I know that we have the same goal, but I sort of feel damned and unable to move forward because we must be together. "being with me musta damn near killed you." Thanks Nickelback.

Once your choice has been made just trust that it wil be worth it to endure, but trust me, if you are having doubts go! I feel like Sarah from "Dead Zone" saying that, giving advice that I hypocritically am not living. But, you can know what is best and so advise others without doing it, It's not hypocritical.

failure - reoccurring theme

It seems to me that stumbling is the way the world judges failure.

Previously, I picked apart the validity and desirability of the world's definition of Success. Obviously, I didn't agree with it. It should be of no suprise to now learn that I also disagree with their version of failure. Infact, you can just assume that if it is the accepted definition of a thing I do not agree or subscribe to that type of thought. It makes communication, using words difficult, but I still do it. Those out there who have ears will "hear" me "know what I'm sayin'".

When we fail it is often taken as the answer that our attempt did not succeed and it ought to be given up. But, I was listening to Nephi chapter 4 on a new little Book of Mormon App and was thinking, well, if The scriptures are supposed to give me some sort of answer, then, do your thing, already. I did not recieve bolt of lightening revelation, but it occurred to me that just because a thing fails is no indication that it was wrong, just look at the story told here: A bunch of straping boys head out into the wilderness cause dad told them to go get some book. They tried and failed. Then, before giving up one of them remembers all of the valuable things that they had at their old home and decide to go get them to trade for the book! Brilliant!! But, it still doesn't work. Uh, well, then one might conclude that it isn't really God's will but their father's and he was mistaken. but, thank goodness that was not the end. A younger brother decided to go back and try again, cause he fully believed, no matter how rediculous it seemed, that it was the Lord's will and so he would do it. Ends up he has to decide to kill this guy and wear his clothes to sort of pretend and lie to someone to get the book. He admits that this feels wrong, but an angel explains that this is the will of God that it is better that this one man be slain than a whole nation of people (later called Nephites) dwindle in unbelief.

I had often wondered why such a story would be placed in the begining of canon touted by a religion, further I decided that it was there to weed out those who might, like the parable of the sower, show signs of grabbing a hold of the doctrine, but never really having roots, because there would be plenty of things that would discorage people from accepting it as true, if they tried to reason it all out. Belief must be founded on something deeper. But, as I was thinking about it this time, I thought, well, the Bible stats with Adam an Eve and she out right disobeys God, and the whole Old testament is riddled with faith shaking stories if understood in a worldly way. I even had people worry about me and my sort of obsession with the old testament. It was not what they said, but I think it was a wise thing. Just look at the saducees and pharasees who got all caught up in looking for a deeper than face value of a thing (I want to mention the story of Moses' staff and ppl not being willing to look upon it to be healed because it was too simple).

In conclusion, The guidance I personally got from this was that just because I might have fallen doesn't mean I shouldn't get back up. Here's a song that expresses my sentiment better:

Does he love me?

There is a way and only one sure way to tell if he loves you or not.

I know, you're probably thinking that there is nothing particularly fascinating about you, though you are above average in most regards. Well, you are absolutely right. there is nothing that distinguishes you. It is a hard thing to really accept because we all like to think that we are so significant, and we really are to ourselves. Think of it. You couldn't even breathe if you weren't yourself, could you?

Ok, on to the meat and potatoes of this whole post. So, what is the best litmus paper or test to use to determine if he honestly loves you? Maybe, we shoud ask, Whitney:



Oh yeah, how insensitive of me to ask her, she is preocupied. I'll ask Cher:



Wait a minute, The music industry doesn't specialize in happiness they make money by telling us what we want to pay to hear. There is only one sure fire way to know if he loves you. ASK. Then, pay attention.

I still don't get it

disclaimer of intent goes here: I didn't know where to put this thought, but I wanted to put it somewhere. Sometimes, I actually do have a particular thought for a particular place, but this one is so random I can barely hold on to it long enough to write it down.

I am so in love with an idea that it has become impossible for me to love anyone else entirely, I try to go over again and again, in my head the reason why this is so important to me that it is destroying my life and I don't seem to care.

It leads me to think that maybe I am falling and so helpless beause I'm trying to figure things out the world's way. Not to say that I'm not atually an earthling, but my solution might be to destroy, in disguise, the part that others find so attractive. Not realy, though, because it is honestly me, not a disguise.

I remember Jane Eyre saying that it could be bad to watch the thing that she so regarded twist into a mangled version of itself, one that is no longer loved. I think to maintain my peace of being, I need to psych out a bit. Kinda' like slamming on the brakes in a chase. It is unexpected and gives a spare moment. It sounds heartless, but in cross-country I used to purposefully "demoralize" opponents to win the race. I do want to finish in first place, I think, though it doesn't seem to matter what rank I achieve only that I finish (like the parable of the talents where the one ended up with 10 talents and another only 4, but they get the same reward).

Back to my original thought about trying to figure out why just not choosing to be in love with the silly idea in the first place. I play the part of the sly and patient serpant waiting to strike it's prey when least expecting. I have covered my tracks almost completely. I was getting to close to needing to share myself with those I loved. I guess I loved them, too much, in which case I would be fine where I am, like the Chinese guy who pretends that he is crippled for years to perform a magic trick with a fishbowl. Along those lines, I always wondered and could not tell if that one crazy sounding actor guy was just acting or was honestly that stupid.

Really, I would prefer. Uh, hold on that sounds as if I were hoping to stsy in a comfort zone. Really, that has past. I often think that was why I was ever placed in this situation to see and think things that would mold me into the girl I was meant to be as I was not because I was comfortable.

Ok, rather than start a new note, I'll just change the topic, it is my perogative, afterall. I am at the point where both I and Nicholas have changed enough that our paths are not likely to have been forseen or likely to change. He will continue on doing what is right without me. I have thought, my life has felt like a tiny seed struggling up through a pile of rocks. I have imerged at last and I am sowly becoming a bit more the person I was, not the useless damsel in distress. He did do his "fireman" duty in rescuing me. I might add that he was reluctant to actually marry me or start a family, so those who might blame him, it is I who deserve all of the blame. to his credit, even then he knew something was not right, though I did not really. I just knew that I needed out and he helped there. I wanted a family, and I got one. Supposedly, getting what I want is my greatest talent which can be my greatest curse or blessing depending on my perspective. I just do not know why I persist to hope for a thing that I have been warned is incorrect. But, someone, actually two someone's have come to represent things that are entirely of my own supposition. Though it may be right. I'm getting sleepy. Excuse and duck out paraprapgh: I should have been minding other things and now I'll get back to them. Mostly, I need to sleep. So, I must press "publish" now and correct things at a later date.

Hello world

Yes, I acknowedge the world may exsist in a way to read or understand this, but at this point, I cannot claim to understand Why I believe the folowing, and it really isn't a part of why I believe anyway. Though I enjoy organizing words to be reasonable. Being reasonabe is not an objective of this farwell.

Good bye world.

I do not believe that there will be generation of people for whom I am responsibe to for leaving a legacy. I beieve that Jesus Christ will return to earth during my lifetime. It sounds fantastical, but to me it really is not so much. I do fuly believe that Jesus Christ came and did rise again, and he lives in much the same form that you do reading this. so much has spoken directly to my heart in various ways teling me surely that these are the last days, and so my ultimate conclusion does not change.

My duty for now is now. I am a mother and My childsren are my top priority, all of them. I still write "Journals" for their benefit, but realize that nothing I might say will be new to them. I do not believe that someday these words will be seen as an ancient way of life and communication, but I record them in the present so that they may be true and of no decit or attempt to fool you into thinking that I suppose something marvelous will happen that you may know it first here.
;thus, glorifying myself! Hail the great me for seeing the obvious!

You say "Hello." I say "goodbye."
Hello hello, I don't know why... I say goodbye.





Addendum: I add this because I wanted it to be somewhere it would not be read. I really am through. I concluded that the same things do not matter to me as matter to you anyway. I realized the the fact that I clling on when there is really no real reason goes against what mother's have taught their sons for centuries, and it can be used against me. I thought, if peope can do the worst and I am not suffiently offended, then why do anything to please me? I only come here to escape the reality that I created. I ought to get offine and change it if I don't like it.



here and now is the time to do all the right things and become the mover and shaker I ought to have been all aong and be the winning horse not just the dark one.