Totally blindsided

From out of the blue, comes this heavy despair. I just have this feeling like I am completely worthless and I have been the only one buying into any of my pipe dreams.

Without details, I spent most of the day feeling good and ultimately, unworthy of any praise I had been giving myself. I started seeing how much worth everyone around me had always been and strangely, I felt humiliated to even think myself an associate of these let alone anyone I had regarded so highly, until I heard a talk today about how God uses our admiration of others to bring about his purposes. Just maybe some of those instruments were being used in my behalf and my despair was an attempt to discourage me or trick me into not believing in my own self, or that I could have worth. Even my children seem better without me, but for lack of anyone else, I temporarily will do, but they deserve so much better.

Yeah, it's working to depress me more just to write about it, which I really had hoped for the opposite. I had concluded before I began that I needed to stop trying so hard to accomplish things that were pointless and unimportant anyway. Now, I don't really think any accomplishment is pointless. I have an exceptional sense of selfworth normally, too. which makes this feeling even more rediculous.

I was feeling too good maybe, I can put everything that is in a great big scale and say that this depression is just to allow for an even greater elation to come, but I'm not a fool, or am I?

I want to go back to much happier thoughts regarding the church vs. the gospel of Jesus Christ. Maybe it was that while my thoughts were bringing me peace of mind and internal unity, the cost was a dread of what the conclusion must therefore be, but I hid that away 'till "tomorrow. Cause Tomorrow is another day." Even though contemplation of certain things bring me the highest joy, None of it is evidentially supported, and my hope is so great that a huge pile of grief had to be stacked on, to even things out. Well, just maybe, I think that the hope isn't worth the grief and I be better off without any of it. That leads me back to where I started. I do want to accomplish something, but something tells me that it will not be on my terms anyway.

A story that I'm not sure about.

I do not want to steal this idea, but I don't think this was intended, but I thought it meant something and I want to write the story, An Alegory about water, light and travelers or pilgrims. i really mean to write this tale some day. I hope that I come back to it, because I can't write it now.

funny misheard lyrics

I know that whever I find that I've been singing the wrong lyrics that it will be funny, because usually the whole world sort of shifts, at least my perception of the song does. I was just sitting here waiting for my kids listening to this song and I looked up to see that the title was "roll to me." I don't even remember that being in the lyrics. So I paid closer attention, and sure enough I had been wrong all of these years which is even funnier given what I thought was said: "The right you, the wrong me." lol

being special

There are two ways to look at it. You can be glad to be surrounded by likeminded people or not be glad because now your uniqueness is gone.

duplicitous

Ok, I am back to say this, but itis important or I wouldn't have bothered. Alot of people are plagued in this "New age" of internet living, because the cannot make their "avatar" fit who they are. Alot of people just think they can change to be their avatar if more people seem to like that. But, they are still themselves.

I was quite upset when my husband started laughing at others for believing that he is at all the person he appears to be online. I also recieved an odd compliment when I met my first internet IRC friend in person. He was obviously taken aback and I was concerned. I asked if I had mislead in someway, but he said to the contrary that I was exactly who I portrayed myself to be, but he just figured it was all a pretense or something.

So why do people do that? It causes more trouble. I hate it, we are all dealing with trying to fit out spirits with our bodies (which is no easy task) already, why add a complication? Time to get back to the dishes...

Intended to be the last

I intend to spend my time in other ways, like my music. I cannot even tell you how much I love the song I'm crafting right now. it is no where near my expectations, but it is demonstrating progress and proving to me that I can, in fact find happiness an peace though creating things even if I cannot have any more childen, music seems unlikely, but it is still in the realm of believability for me. Thank goodness for the computer! I do not need to rely on my own skills anymore to write beaty, I just cannot perform it, yet.

I figure it must be love that Nick and I have because it will require a higher force to hold us together, I expect it will, too. life has so many other challenges, you cannot leap from one and expect to land in a bed of feathers. So just keep plodding along and figure out what would make you happy. If you decide that your happiness even really matters, which it sort of does, hence "the plan of happiness." gets it's name.

Everything I planned out all day yesterday is foolish. If i were wise I would only stick with realities, but, I never claimed to be wise. And who gets to decide what is percieved as reality? If I get to decide what is real for me, real is a life where both types of ideas survive (spiritual and intellectual).

Why so wordy?

Well, your actual question to me might be, "Why do you feel any need to explain your verbosity?"

The answer first to why I use so long to make a point is simple. I have tried to say things that will fit short attention spans, but ended up being misunderstood. It is like trying to play pictionary with a large crayon and a tiny page, then you are asked to get the players to guess something that required alot of space to depict.

Why do you feel the need to explain your self, though? It is because in so doing you will understand the need to read everything, and not just browse or your perusal will lead you to an incorrect conclusion, and because I feel like it is expected of me to be more concise and I really am trying. See? My constant excuses are a demonstration of my awareness and the inadequacy that I feel.

Don't be a fool

I see it now, only in retrospect how much of a fool I was, not the same way most of the world was in buying on credit, that was just foolish. I think that all too often we do foolish things under the pretense of being hopeful.

Time plays a huge part in things, like finding the next big thing, if you're like me you will find it, but slightly after it has slid into the past. I found an awesome movie, that I missed cause I was otherwise preoccupied, and the comment I recieved in repsone to sharing my discovery was "Yeah, that was a great movie a few years ago. What kind of time warp have you been in?"

But, about being a fool, I feel so completely foolish. I always figure things out, only after I appear to have been an idiot publically. I think Albert Einstein had that trouble, too, so I don't fret too much. I just recognize it and want to share the warning of trusting things to be what they seem.

In my case it had to be at the right time, I just happened to stumble on things as they were new and others hadn't fallen pray and established a warning yet, so I fell in the loop hole intended to be used by others to feign sincerity. I feel so completely stupid looking back.

It is too late to warn others similarly. But, I can warn you to not trust things that seem too perfect. Ok, that was just a quick stab at my hopes of living "happily ever after" by finding a perfect someone online. Don't misunderstand, I do believe there is a whole lot of truth to the claims made by so many Singles websites, but they know that you will be foolish. Out of a hope to find someone you will gladly pay to demonstrate your willingness to take that risk.

Watch out, there is truth to needing to take a risk to ever gain, but like credit cards, singles websites, and almost too many MLM scams to mention, likely someone actually will succeed, but likely it won't be you. It is lke the Lottery. One person will actually win and have a wonderful story and everyone who hears it will get all starry-eyed thinking that might happen to them, so they end up spending more than the winner ever won. hmmmph.

I am working on learning to recognize the sure things and how we come by them. I do not have a fool proof method figured out yet, but I do believe there is an all-knowing god and that there is a way he can steer us to a sure thing, one that making any sacrifice for would be worth it.

Addendum: I was thinking about something a young teen told me years ago, though I didn't give it much creedance at the time, now I realize it would have saved me so much heartache. She believed that online everyone would instantly recognize her awesomeness, but instead she noticed how common her own awesomeness was. Also, in a movie it was said ,"I think you percieve yourself a cut above the company." And that has been my hermatia. It was my supposed, though not really known, value I thought wasn't being understood or appreciated. Now, I realize truly, that I am not worthy of the respects I thought I had earned. I believe others actually had intents other than what they were, which would only be a natural response if I were to be as respected as I secretly thought.

Artificial Intelligence

I saw a program on artificial intelligence at a university. Students spent hours typing facts into a computer where learning was done by inferring things or sythesizing related facts like: "The sun is hot.", "The sun appears yellow.", and "A sun flower appears yellow." And then, another group of students would read through the newly created "facts" and remove such inferences as "Sunflowers are hot."

Intelligence in humans works about the same way as we observe it in our children. In a Western Civilization class I had a reading assignment of Rosseau's "Tabula Rasa", I believe. In it was taught, or explored, the notion that we are all born with blank slates which are filled by sensation and reflection.

It was while I made a reflection on two different, trusted sources of information that I concluded that the people around here do not know that the water stinks! It really does, likewise, they are apt to think we smell bad out east. There is a song "Love song for a vampire" Where the concept I had thought for a long time about gravity came clear. "for it is the sound of sounds. It is the drum of drums." things can be constantly present so much so that we do not recognize them.

Until an apple fell on Newton's head, everyone just lived with the fact that things fell. It was not ever questioned, it just was.

I hate to wash my clothes or dishes because, to me they smell worse. I have to use excessive amounts of shampoo, as well. I remember visiting my sister's houses and thinking everything smelled so good. And when People visited me, they said they could tell that I had been baking. I suppose I am immune to this. Though I can further explain how this phenomenon is used to sell houses. It is believed that you ought to paint, install new carpet and fill the home with the aroma of freshly baked bread to get a buyer.

courage

I am a wimp. Reality came like a huge rogue wave crashing in on my delusions that kept me so happy. I simply must maintain my courage though hoping despite what reality says in conflict. I am still me, regardless. Nothing has changed but my assumptions and I cannot let them ruin my parade. I always knew I was a nobody. Nothing changed but my belief. Jesus taught that when you are invited to a feast, you should naturally assume the lowest position so that you can be glorified rather than glorify your self and then end up based for your assuming you were
better than you are.

Olives

Did you know that there is no such thing as a naturally occurring black olive? I was not shocked by the several other outstanding facts about olives, but I really like Black Olives, the thing that it made me realize as someone told that Olives are all hand picked, not shaken off the vine. That mean everytime I eat an olive It becomes part of me (we are what we eat). That is amazing to think that I am ingesting something touched by someone in another mediteranian country probably! pretty cool, huh?

Black olives are chemically turned that color, a ripe olive is green. And that's one to grow on.

the briliance of Isaiah!

I have always loved Isaiah the most but never understood why. As I matured a bit I thought it was because he spoke so much of the Savior, but the reason his words about the Savior were so loved and able to endure is his manner of speech. He is able to speak to those and of those things of which he has no comprehension. This is a talent owned by many prophets.

Recently two different people helped me understand the differences between a prophet and a seer. It must be quite a challenge just to be a seer. Yet, to be asked to record those things would be undaunting. Jesus used stories to capture relationships present in things he could understand to explain foreign things. I do not think that he actually did not understand nor have the ability to explain plainly. Take things like the kingdom of God for instance. He spoke in general terms. So does Isaiah, words like "The government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful...." How lovely that is, but I bet you that he did not understand as well as we do the things that he saw and prophecied of. He even did it in a way that his own people did not recognize their Messaiah when he came.

triangle

I watched the three part Sci-fi movie while I was in MacFarland, Mood Disorder Hospital, where I was placed by my husband, but the other residents called it alcatraz, And a lawyer came to get me to sue him because it was clear to everyone that i didn't belong there. Anyway, My social worker did get an arrangement for me to get to spend Christmas with my children, she made Brandall come in and face me. Anyway I saw Triangle there and it was impressive, but I have a much better movie idea. A famous pilot is downed unexpectedly in the Bermuda triangle, then it follows his attempts to return home to his loved ones. Everyone must assume that he is dead, but he isn't, there is a better explination for the malfunctions, but what isn't ever explained is how he is kept from ever seeing his loved ones.

Peace

When your heart and mind finally agree, it is so desirable. If only the world powers could achieve this. They might have the courage, but don't have the chance or even the hope that's required to make that leap of faith.

I need to break down my goal into little doable, accomplishable tasks.

There are so many little things that I need to do. The first I will accomplish will bring my nagging to an end regarding a project that I've been working on for far to long.

I intend to do so many other little things that will lead me to the one mega big thing that I need to do.

I'll start by writing that dang song, that I keep putting off.

too East coast?

I don't know exactly why, but i know there is something more than a communication problem. My needs are completely different and foreign to Nick, and his aren't foreign to me. I just don't care and honestly believe most are imagined. But, I had a similar issue when i tried to live out west before. There was a good friend of mine who said that he was mentally handicapped, and that is what his parents always told him. I did not believe it. But he was entirely taken care of my the government, a nice perk for claiming to be backwards mentally, Well, aren't we all?

I could see that he was plainly socially backwards, but I figured that stemmed frombeing coddled all of his life. But, who was I to challenge something that was working out great. So is my situation. Things are working out great so why change anything? Well, because I do not want to be a careless westerner. That's not what I am. I feel completely like a square peg determined to fit in this round hole, which is simply not going to work. All the while I see others around me just accepting things they are told which are not true as well. without speaking in riddles, plainly, I never eat anything, like this past week, I had about ten cookies, total, I did eat a partial slice of pizza and almost an entire half of a can of clam chowder, but my "energy" needs are being met through cookies right now, and lke a whole lot of things, I can not do this long term, and I never intended to. It is this issue that I feel has lead to my tooth condition which can not be ignored for much longer, It will likely forcde me to take some sort of action because I cry because the pain is so intense sometimes, but no one cares, it's my trouble. And I would take care of it, if I had a means..... uh oh! that reminds me of a song I wrote, "If Only" there are so many things I claim that I would most certainly do, if I could. But it is really sad that I am not able to do almost everything that I want to, somethings gotta give, that's all there is to it, and I feel strongly that it is about to...

To get where I am now, I had to do several things that I would never have chosen to do, yet, I needed to do them to accomplish my desire which was a righteous thing. I will not change even if I do things contrary to what it seems I ought to do. Sounds a bit hypocritical to me though.

Probably the most profound an compelling thing that motivated me today was a quote by David A. Bednar in a talk about doing family history. Which to me points out that it is service to others that is the method that we get what we need, so If you need anything, go give anything you can to others. Serve others! You will never regret it.
The quote was (I'll go look it up rather than summarize)Well, unfortunately, I could find it no where in the talk but it was in our lesson today.Here is the talk, for refresher: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-hearts-of-the-children-shall-turn?lang=eng He said that it is not as important to ask young me if they are planning to serve missions as it is to ask if they are worthy to go to the temple. I jotted it down, to be advice for when teaching my daughters how to chose properly.

The point was that if a person is living properly, they will act accordingly. hmm doesn't that seem to be contrary to what i just said, not when uou take grace into consideration. I did so many thing that brought upon me the deepest despair. I even became jealous of things like preparing a lesson and getting my kids ready for church, which I thought would be a benefit from by staying off the LDS radar. but, on the contrary. I wanted a bishop to somehow fix things. I wished that I had never done much of what I did, but I was forgiven. I learned truly how that no matter how you "soil" yourself you can be spotless again, and now I face the trouble of being like the Lamanites who when converted burried their weapons, and were willing to die for their resolve to not take up their weapons. It was a proof of the Antonement to me when during the recommend interview questions were asked I realized that one by one those had been issues that made me feel terrible about myself, but I was able to answer without hesitation that I do live correctly now, ands AM worthy to enter the Temple. That is forgiveness and the true power of grace!

Finally, I realized that my notion of total respect for Integrity was wrongly placed. Integrity is only so admirable if the ideal reached for is Celestial. And my trouble is not lack of patience. I always fool myself saying that Nick does really want the same things as me but he just is slower. that is obviously false. His very actions communicate where his devotion lies and it isn't where Mine is. There is not even the littlest glimmer of hope that he feels any remorse for not living up to expectations. I used tot hink it was just me East Coast notion of needing to be an example to others, but it just happens everything he does is an example of what he is striving for and values. And he finds enough peers, and admirerers, he doesn't need me.

Most of all though, I am so extremelyy axious to go to both Seattle and Sandusky this year! Whew! what a year this will be, and it has only just begun.

the tide

I was mesmerized thinking about the unrealized effect that the moon has on the water. I don't think people realize how powerful the tide is until you miscalculate a dive at the Tacoma Narrows. I even clung to a large boulder on the sea bottom, but it was just sucked with me! Now, that is power. Fortunately, I remembered just to head for the shore directly.

I have always respected the moon, but today I was thinking about how it's prescence tugs on the earth so much and effects the water quite profoundly. I came to this thought as I was thinking about things that effect us and make us react a cetain defined way, is it always accounted for? There was that one time I researched the tides on NOAA, as always, and was depending on it to be constant. It was. But I did not take into account the sluggishness of my rather plump dive buddy, who was almost constantly out of breath. I just figured that was just how he was. So we reached our destination a bit on the tardy side, which wouldn't have really made such a big deal but he also liked to stop and look at each toilet we passed to see the various barnacles and coral life that had taken up residency there. Combined, it equalled our predictament. Alas we survived, but I got to experience the "tug of the moon".

All the while, the moon lay hidden in the daytime sky, But gravity icreases as proximity does, too. Does the moon have greater pull then on people who climb mount everest? I think that I'm opening more questions than I answer.

Something like this...

I just got the same idea that I had this morning, but forgot about it when I got around to it, but hopehully, i'll be able to remeber it entirely, now.

I was thinking about last night how shocked Nick was that he was asked if he was next. but, I had just told him that it was common practice that spouses renew their recommend at the same time and on the month of their aniversary. So they would not forget, assuming they wouldn't forget their wedding anniversary. But anyway in my interview at one point as we were discussing my "story" he asked if I was sealed to my new husband. I am not. That gave me alot to think about.

I thought a whole lot about the differences and similarities of my two marriages. Both were done sort of as an after the fact, and not as such a big day. neither officially proposed to me anyway, it was just a sort of understanding that that was our purpose.

Now the biggest difference to me is the "oneness". When I married Brandall, it was a novel thing that I had planned all of my life it was the whole "fall in love and live happily ever after" type thing. I let my feelings be known on every account. I very carefully tried to be completely honest with him at all times and never go to sleep with an unresolved issue. After we were married there was no "mine" and "his" everything was just"ours" making the divorce so traumatic. I tried yto figure out what went wrong, buy grew tired of coming up for air with nothing. I never had any sort of closure.

This has never happened with Nick and I and it is hypocritical of me to want him to make me want to be with him when I am not doing anything to encourage unity. I am very much in love with the chilfdren though and know that they deserve a mother who will do what is right no matter what the world teaches is right. That has been the real motivation behind getting to the temple. I need to speak candidly to the Lord about this matter and respect whatever he thinks is requisite. So, there you have it,in complete honesty from me...Come what may.

this gets old!

I cannot write music with constant bomb explosions going on in the next room. I really suppose it is being petty, I mean who is to say that my persuit deserves more attention to me than his does to him? That's how wars start, two sides think they are both as right, but conflict. I am not going to start a war over this, but it just happens too fquently for my taste, I think others might not be disturbed because they aren't trying to get babies to sleep and compose music. But, I did choose this. You make your bed and then sleep in it. Frustration was never intended by anyone. i think I will tell my daughters that to expect to be so in love they gladly endure things only happens in dreams andfairy tales, and I think it is time for me to wake up!

This is going to require a whole lot of work, and those children are worth the price. I hear women claim they would sacrifice their very lives for their children, well, that is basically what is required, I was an idiot to ever think otherwise.

Aliens!

I woke up this morning thinking about "District 9". My thoughts were "Are you or anyone you know prejudice of people you don't even know exsist yet?

One

I am going to try something new. When faced with an undaunting task, we break it down into smaller, doable, tasks. This is what kids did in my elemetary school that accomplished amazing things, so I asked how they did it.

These things take time, at least that's what Morrissey sings, So I am going to break down understanding the scriptures little by little and pick on thing and focus on that scripture and it's applications in every way in my life. The wives of the stake presidency suggested that to truly benefit (long term) from a vision statement (meaning one that gives vision, aim, or purpose) it ought to be recorded in a journal. So that others could see how living so effected your life. They broke the statement down into its most common denominators and assigned each month a purpose. It was comical that one focus was on church attendance, but the calendar just listed months (long enough to set a habit) with the simple form of the goal written, for instance, August said Attend church meetings. So, some brilliant man asked, "Does that mean we don't have to go church the other months." or something like that. That was more or less how I percieved the witty comment, not the perfection of what he actually said. A woman (demonstrating the differences of the sexes) noted how August was one of the most difficult months to attend church for many because it is so warm and beautiful outside. I sppose it is a competition to seek the thing that makes you happier.

Ok we talked about how cheesy and never actually read or taken seriously by employee, most vision statements are. I thought "yeah! so how do we get them to seep down?" Then another guy (I love to meet with the men and hear their perspective on things) said that it has to be something that the people actually already do or is in the realm of believability, don't make it too far fetched.

I have a ton more to say, but the babies are in serious need of my full attention.

What we find

It is when we find something that we weren't even looking for then we know that finding it was genuine.

two cents

The value of my thoughts is a great comparison to pennies, not worth a whole lot, but a penny saved is a penny earned, for what that's worth. Here's my two cents:

1. It is wrong of me to have any plans for anything extraordinary. It is my experience that my most incredible moments were never intended anyway.

2. I am done with having role models and heroes. Every person alive, if seen the right way, is worthy of praise and honor. Most importantly, it is essential* to have actual friends.

*It is here noted that the German word Essen is to eat, and eating is absolutely necessary.

this sounds odd

But, I was thinking, I may have made a discovery! I was really in a terrible mood, really, just when I was feeling my best and very anxious for things that were happening in my life. I noticed that the change in mood happened exactly when I lot my chrochet hooks.

Chrocheting/creating things fills my time and improves my mood, though I do not know why and it might seem unrelated.

Something tells me that it is not a coincidence. My Chrochet hook Magically reappeared yesterday.

Those who stole it were trying to help me by refocusing my attention, but I think it is a type of therapy.

Super quick

I was just remembering how Brandall told me that his mother just blurted out to his father at dinner one night that she didn't like him. It left an impression, to be sure, but even now, his dad still is in love with her even though he has married and remarried the same woman twice. I think they are happy though.

Music Never Sleeps.

See Title.

My Muse

I told Matt (Matthew Wesley Smith) that he was my Muse because I tend to be more prolific when we are in contact, so Naturally, I think I ought to write him a letter. I found my stamps!
Probably, maybe ironically, my best memories of him are also my worst times in my life. "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." When he helped me bury my kitten. (move over Dickens!)

You know, it might just be the time of life that was spent with him though. I was in college and full of great ideas and totally pure and inexperienced (another way of saying gullible). But, I think it is his way of speaking and thinking though, How many people do you get mad at then find them sitting alone in the cafeteria reading an encylopedia? Regrettably, I did sort of leave him after all of the "Magic" for a gay guy who had no potential, but I was in love and foolish enough to think that I would make the difference for him.

Smile

I had been thinking this for days, but just waiting for the right moment to share this, I think I missed it, but in our Sunday School class a teacher writes things on the board, usually in categories or steps or directions, broken down to be better absorbed or remembered to be reconstituted later. Never fail He puts a piece of paper on the board with a little magnent and it says smile. It actually works taken for face value, the last time, it was right after enduring to the end. I thought, yeah, smiling would help alot there because our bodies actually release a needed chemical into our system when we laugh or smile. I told my kids also how cool smiles are. If you smile at someone it is like talking without sayimng anything, they will always smile back, mark my word. Then we discussed what it could be saying. A smile is alot like the word, "oh." It can say so much, but for now, I just play "Happy." "Sad." where we just turn the mouth upside down as we say sad. It is so much fun. But, my SS teacher explained that he uses "SMILE" as an acronym for spiritual living is life eternal, And applies it to everything. He uses that word as a symbol, like his lesson that we all have and can take it with us and we can remember anytime we see a smile what it means.

ooops!

there actually were a few things that I was supposed to do but didn't. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Someone who doesn't do what they are supposed to and knows it? that is my definition of a bad person. I assume missed opportunities are not a big deal, they just change what happens, so in a sense I was messing with an intended future. but, it turned out ok in the movie "Push". Oh yeah, that's just a movie, this is my life. I believe in Forgiveness and now I just get a chance to really know it firsthand.

That was really funny

I even laughed out loud. It was more than funny, but the way I recognized it was my desire to get a deeper meaning.

It was a song, ofcourse, I just wanted to feel so I stopped listening to alot, while I was doing other things, but then this one song cae on and ironically, the words told the listener to listen to the meaning not the lyrics, but that was the exact joke that was too perfect. Yeah! so perfect was the mistake, that I'm sure it was left intentionally, Ok. I am not sure of it, but I am inclined to think that it wasn't just a mistake. Let me explain it.

These were the written lyrics:

Our love is deeper than the deepest sea
It's something that we can't conceive or describe
Our love is higher than the highest plane
Something that we can't explain or deny
No matter how I try, words won't come to mind
How can I define something so divine?
(co written by Tal Bachman but he owned them as I heard it)

But at the end as those words were rewritten, something different was sung, hardly noticable, until he also sang "No matter how I try, words don't come to mind." then I thought. poor guy must have done too many takes of that and they just decided to keep it, then the irony hit me and I laughed out loud actually, but I had to shut up to hear the ending, it reminds me of the ending of the song "One Starry Spirit" and so, to me I think it sounds like the sounds of the universe. I think that idea comes from the scene in Dune where Paul touches the folded space and there is a sort of oscilating tone. Plus, I am aware of the fact that Tal Bachman really loves ELO and all of their album covers remind me of something extra worldly anyway.

One more comment while I'm talking about Tal Bachman. When I was sick at home in Mississippi, Brandall sent me old back ups of crud that I had of Tal. One was of him playing guitar with his father, talking about making a song out of Old Jazz Guitar riffs. The song was called "Looking out for number one." that made me think of Kevin Montgomery's song "Lookin' out for number one." then, this week, Kevin mde a comment about how he was a bleeding heart, it made me think of his song where the lurics were "I put a bandaide on it with my five dollar bill, Those kids are growing up so hard." So, I messaged him and asked what the title was and he told me, I was like Ah hah! that's why I thought of t when I heard Tal's dad's song. They both wrote a song called "Broken", too. Which is no biggie. Everyone does it! What is memorable about all of that is tht my huband thought I was in love with Tal Bachman and my best friend thought I was hopelessly in love with Kevin Montgomery, but both were mistaking a love of their music for a love of the writer. People often mistake the songwriter or artists as expressing things biographically and so it would be one and the same, to love a son would be to love it's creator, but this is not the case. I saw the best explination of this by someone who explained that they become sort of self fufilling sometimes, but they are not biographical. I like the way Tal explained it, too. He writes songs that he likes, sort of like the way we all appreciate certain music to certain degrees. He just was looking to create something that would be likable. But, everything that you put in your mind effects the way you think. So Jokingly I said that I was going to listen over and over to the song "If I had a million dollars" but, really all that ewould do is create a desire in me to have money, which I really shouldn't. Besides that misses the point of the song. I need to get back to work.

I'm supposed to shut up

I am sharing too much, over sharing even. I have accomplished my part here, next! My vision has been exanded to see that staying longer than I should is going to really mess everthing up. Seriously. but, there are a few things that have not been done yet that were supposed to happen. So, While I put the whole universe out of whack I must do thimgs while I can. uh oh, that sounds a bit self-centered, I ought to know better, *I* don't matter as much as everyone else.

by knowing me.... Anyway, I cannot recall my brilliant thought, I guess it wasn't really mine, but it was in my head/thoughts.

I was just thinking about my brother, Matthew and how he was told that, well, I will not say plainly some of the things that he was told, but they support some of my notions of who we are. Not of consequence was the thought of how Matt and I were always closest and my memories of him growing up are profound. mostly, I was impressed with his hard working nature and ability to accomplish things. then how Brandall thought that he looked so much like my brother that he mistook Photos of Matt at our wedding reception to be himself. The one thing that won my affection was his referring to our real life before we were born, this had been a delusion of mine for a long time. When we met, I was in love with Jim still and told him that I only wanted to be friends, but he told me that he wasn't interested in being friends. So, we parted for a time andhe refused to take my phone calls! We ended up married, though. And, I had no intentions of ever doing it again. But, here I am. Even now, I tell myself to shut the heck up, but continue to blabber on

changes

If this is going to work, somethings need to change. 1) Nick spends all of his day at work, but we have nothing to show for it. We are making no progress towards any goals. I don't think he actually has any anyway. The kids and suffer because we are stuck, legally, to that unresponsive mass. And we have no other means for support, What the heck do we have? A snoring filthy video playing mass who won't do anything to help us help ourselves. I originally moved out here because I thought a Utah man would understand and want to fufill his responsibilities. But, we have been married over 2 years with 2 kids but, he ignores them when he is home. He comments about how terribly I am doing, but offers no help. If his job is any indication of how he'd do around here, well, he got fired and is annoyed if anything disturbs his game life. But, in order to provide for this family, I need to go get a job and he can stay at home and clean things up. If he really will, I used to be afraid of leaving the house to him, but now I see the need. It's not just me. He really is quite useless, and sets a terrible example for the children.

I have more housework to do while he snores more loudly than Mary Anne's music. Seriously, this is the hardest life has ever dished out. I wish I could reasonably believe suicide was alright. I've had enough.

Another gripe

I am not done griping yet, oooooooooh! i am so angry, even my last very angry post didn't cool me down like reasoning usually does. Nothing prepared me for the filthy way of life that Nick lives in, Like everything else in his life, he has an excuse. Most of them are blamed on me. I lack organization skills. I don't cook well. I loose thing because of my ADHD. Whatever. I lived for years with brothers and took care of babies a house and a husband, but I never had to deal with the sorts of mess and chaos that I do now. i was supposed to be on bed rest when I was terribly sick with Mary, but, if I failed to take care of anything around the house, it just would not get done. When I gothome from the hospital (nearly died again) the house was a horrible mess. Talk about a nice way to be welcomed home. I was rushed to the Hospital because I was gushing blood. I lost way too much, but Nick didn't even want to be disturbed, so I cleaned up the excessive puddles of blood that came unexpectedly, then I woke him up. I was not supposed to hold joseph, but often HAD to there was simly no other choice. After my surgeries I just wanted to sleep, but had to cook and get caught up on cleaning as well as take care of a baby an Oxygen machine(when she got to come home) and take care of my little trouble maker who wanted to hit and bite me. Anyway, I survived all of that. so, I'll get over this. But I just find it difficult to believe that Heavenly father wants me to have to put up with this, but I'll do it if he asks. it is just going to take me a while to actually like it here. I still think most of the time that I might be happier anywhere else, and we aren't sealed, but I love those children, I wouldn't give ditching Nick a 2nd thought, but I could not ever leave because I would not abandon the children to this.

Things that need attention:
My Shower is broken.
My bathroom toilet is non-functional so I have to use the steps which are very difficult for me.
The water filter has been broken (not replaced with red light on) for over a year.
The dishwasher doesn't work.
Joseph needs a bed and drawer.
Mary's bed was destroyed by Joseph, but it was given to us, because it was going to be thrown away, so I can't complain.
I didn't even have a dresser for years. The only new clothes that I got were from my children, who need things, too.
A package has been sitting on the counter since last November for his best friend.

I am not going to teach him, but so many people think things like, "I am not going to worry about it." Well, I hate that. He is just too comfortable with so many things. He reminds me of the same attitude that black people in gangs have, a sense of entitlement, like he just deserves things.

In conclusion, though I always remind myself that God doesn't respect persons and loves everyone and the fact that when something is required of us, a way is provided that we will be able to accomplish that thing. I will do as the Lord requires, I'd like to understand, but it isn't necessary. And understanding might not even be possible yet so obedience is of most importance. You know, if I were truly a good person I wouldn't need to murmur like this. Oh well!

Things you think are right

Where do all of the things I believe come from? I think alot of things with no evidence, but after a number of years pass, I can't remember wo told me, it is like the Wheel of time, Legend, myth, it deosn't matter anymore where I got the notion. point is, I believe it. This idea could be applied toreligion, but I am referring to other things I think, but do not remember exactly where it came from, like reciting something you learned from a magazine article, but you do not remember actually reading it, so you can't say exactly where that idea came from, but experience has taught you that it withstands consequence over time, so it must be true where ever it came from.

Then there are just delusion, I call them. They are feelings, something akin to thinking that someone is gay. Then years later They are Gay, but you cannot put your finger on anything that suggests that is true. Just something that I was thinking about.

Ok, I have a gripe, but it seems common

And dooable. I can blame the trouble that most relationships endure is maturity. When a couple meets a totally different mindset is present than the one that develops with increased responsibilities. Now, like social security. Problems are that as we mature our priorities are entirely different, much as our bodies. It used to be that no one lived as long so things were more dire. But, now, as people change they decide that the transformation would include another person. It is almost accepted now that a person is only a good spouse for that time in your life. I can see beyond that. I thought I was being so wise to skip the first part and marry someone that I did not love but, would be a good provider and father, but then, as he fails at that, what else do I have to fall back on? Typical advice reminds you to think back to what you got married for and try to rekindle that zeal. For me, I feel good anytime My husband cares for the family, and I did not consider Forever was what I ought to have been looking for, He has proved that he is not going to seal himself to me, but, that's fine cause I don't want to be with him either, but I just am confused, so i need to rely on God.

I am not confused as to what is important to me, but I never have been. Ultimately, I did not commit suicide or die when I had plenty of chance and opportunity. I think sometimes that If I didn't believe what I do then I would just die and not have any fear of retribution, but I do. I feel like i lost alot, but not what mattered most to me, and the thing that drives me on to a greatness that is not mortal. Maybe I never fit in because I just don't.

Likewise, if it was the will of God, I would not need any other reason. I think my children are that important. To me, they are sort of the will of God, watching over them and protecting them.

I do not think it is unheard of for women to be unhappy with their choice of companion. And I am not so different except that I will not say anything and try to live happily and find peace somehow. It works to want a thing for long enough until it changes your heart. I used to be upset and nearly heart sick about my figure and I wanted more than anything to be the most beautiful woman alive.

lost keys

A few summers ago, I lost some keys on my keyboard, So I was forced to come up with other words to say the samething as my loss of letters greatly limited my vocabulary. There are a whole lot of cute little pictures or satus updates that say your brain is so amazing because letters are missing, rearranged, or substituted but you can still read it. Bull Honkey, I do not base the marvel at my brain function on how it fares on reading an obvious farce, it's like being a mouse who learns the correct path by shocking them if they mess up. I do not live by Astrology, physchics, or fortune cookies. Infact, at several points in my life I thought of how much more money I could make if I became an evangelist. Anyhow, on to my point of this post, no, I haven't found what I lost, but I still deny that I hid it, just the same. But I was thinking could I say something without ever saying the exact words that have come to stand for it, IE: Do it, well, actually I plausably could have meant any number of things, but everyone knows that I was referring to sexual intercourse. I think that if I created a word to mean a thing in a novel, let's say. then repeated it enough, then I could just substitute the word without changing my understood meaning.

the beautiful moon in Provo

All I can say is that one night I went out for a walk alon and came back with a profound understanding of where the moon gets it's light and how we are allowed to see, but that there is so much that we dismiss because we do not see.

I found an old key to someone's diary and put flowers in my hair and laughed at the chirping at the cross walks. but, I came home with nothing really more to be seen, or did I? I only know that the night and walk seared itself into my memory. My roomate LeAnne was rehersing a play in Springville, but normally she is with me, like our walk in the dark at the park in Auburn with "Moleman".

Yeah, that is the same river where she hurt her tailbone when we drifted with thecurrent and she hit a rock. Why couldn't I have been more sypathetic back then? It seems I was always ignoring things that were important, but not to me. Oh, I'm glad that I have been forced to change.

So, though I did come back alone. I came back different than I left.

be mindful

It is important before we dismiss our prayer as unanswered that our request might need some work to be put into place, and it is good to be mindful of the fact that things will occur in a timeframe that is necessary.

I have no idea

I just heard a song and I have no idea who said it, but the lyric was that I need you to feel exactly what I do, but I feel so all alone. Sounds to me like they need "Jesus in their heart." Now, that I do know where it came from, The mouth of Hazel Morris, or in Sandusky, MI she is referred to as Witch Hazel. She would walk around handing out pamphlets asking "Is Jesus in your heart?" I gues that is a way of doing it, but her way, may she RIP, pretty much only scared children and brought unneccesary persecution upon herself. The song lyrics had the same message and a person only "gets" what they are looking for, so I'm inlined to think music is the better vehicle.

I used to have a really cool free program, but I have n idea what it was called, but I want to use it to write an epic poem today. True, I don't need it, but I want to use it. I'll find it somehow.

I learned something that was of great use when speaking to others. It is that we need to Know for certain, not just think so before we claim something is "true". It bothers me so much that opposing people both try to lay claim on a truth. I suppose that is how wars are started. EWho would fight and die unless they thought something was true?

I figured out what my next rant will be about, too. It was about something I had tucked in my mind a long time ago as I instantly realized that it was significant, but I think now I ought to explore why...

Eureka!

I figured out what I need! I need to feel significant, and well-used. that is why I love my children so much, they require me! I am extremely important to them, and I don't mind sacrificing so much for them.

i was thinking about why women like flowers... hang on, a Nickelback song is on, i cannot do anything else for a while.. Perfect words, too! arranged in just the right way to evoke a feeling/thought. The sentiment was that there must be someone who feels the same out there. And that is what I was thinking exactly, they nailed it in fewer perfectly crafted words.

I am craving that, and have been since forever. I think so mant others are significant, but still, I am insignificant to everyone I care about, but good thing, the better aquainted you become with someone/thing else the more you love it/them.

Hunger

People are looking for something, so they end up eatting. it is a good metaohor actually. I get hungry alot of the time, but not for food, but for adventure or awe. I wonder why that is. all I know that it is a common enough thing as to make it a constant reminder to us that we have apetites that need to be tempered. I have always thought it was that we needed to bridle our wants to appreciate getting them fufilled, makes sense. But, why have them at all? I think it has something to do with agency.

I cannot explain how much I need something. probably just pain killer, but I need something to fill mymind besides the antics of crazy children.

escaping?

Escape is an interesting word. Try figuring out what you are trying to escape and how. I realized that word fits for entertainment for me. When I get tired of my life i like to imagine for a while and a book, movie, or song help me do that. like sleeping or getting drunk or high for others, a way to escape. I feel like watching a movie right about now.

this ought to be my singular concern right now

There are alot of things I need to improve on, but the biggest one is that I do not feel things that others do, that causes me trouble.I feel things and quite strongly, I do not doubt my ability to know things through impression, that reasonably, I could not know; however, there are many times that people say that they fell something that I don't and I know that I ought to.

I believe the Holy Ghost is a personage of spirit and part of the godhead, If he is present, I really ought to know it andbe able to know it. I have always felt a close bond with this "personage" Even now I know that he thinks that bodies are so much more important than any of us realize and he "hungers" uh, not really the right word, but it comes the closest. How could that be true? A spirit doesn't know hunger, but wait, that bring me to another thought. If it is true that man needs food to survive and the Holy Ghost testifies of truth, then wouldn't he have to know something about this? Something tells me, even now, that he does, we all did. It is simple to understand that we all know that we want something and know a lot about it without every owning it. i had learned before that this was the difference between empathy and compassion or Sympathy, better put.

I had thought a lot about light ans feel like I've got a pretty god grasp on it, and now I am thinking about water, I think it is closely related to spirit. Once I thought of what it would be like to be without a body, and form, a ghost sort of, and instantly I thought of water, not to drink it. But how "fluid" it was yet, it still had detectable mass.

Detection. That's what really gets to me. What is it that I'm not detecting. Being honest, I just don't but I fully believe that others do.

It's all about justification, huh?

I think Nick is highly perceptive, but I do not understand hoe he constantly fails to notice things or misinterprate things I do and say. I think it ought to be clear that I have a serious issue, but nothing, I have never even tried to understand him, he does all kinds of things that I just don't get, like thinking something will upset me and doing it purposely, then apologizing when I didn't care anyway. Oh well. I always feel better expunging crap here, though I don't believe it will ever be read, someday, when the aliens come and find my blog and seek to have it interpretted, They will be able to understand a few things about our culture. Speaking of culture I have been troubled lately about the Romans. What? Well, mostly it is how we regard them as so brilliant and yet, they embraced gods as a reality that we see as totally foolish, and then others try to extrapolaate that to think that finally we will be regarded as foolish to worship our God, but to me that is not correct. they were so brilliant to realize that some things were caused by a god and the only way to understand was to create a great story that would be reasonable and withstand scrutiny. I, too believe that there is a Father in Heaven who created us, at a conference once in Huntsville, AL, at the space center, someone explained dinasaur fossils to me (Everyone who knows me well knows of that obsession that followed me for years) I started watching "Bones" infact because I was amazed at how muchothers could determine from bones, I don't think the bones tell us how they looked. for instance, during my obsession with Paleontology, it was discovered(for certain?) that Dinasaurs actually held their tails up for ballance, instead of dragging them behind.

Proverb

lesson fodder

incase i ever am asked to give a lesson or talk on this subject. I thought it a good idea to jot this mental work down:

It is interesting to me that Oeople are assigned to be our friends. This bothers me and it did all of the way back to when I was in a student ward in provo and i was called to be the compassionate service yahdahyada, and after I gave a long spiel about how I felt impressed after reading my duties in the handbook, I was curtly told that none of that was necessary. My duty was to notice the people in our ward who were not in attendance and visit them and find out why and perhaps keep a record of this. I agreed because I saw the merit in seeing abscence as a red flag especially if attendance was actually desired, and noticing a recurring pattern would allow for better detection of a problem that could really help people, but instead it was turned to being just nosey. Then in Auburn, WA at a singles ward I was asked by the bishopric to sit by and make friends with certain people. Did they think I was an idiot? I knew they just didn't want me to sit alone. I'm just not a very social person, especially so on command. Then my attendance at activities wasn't very good, so they called me to be the activities chairperson, urgh! I just do not like being forced into friendship.

As a young woman, I was told to be extra careful who I made friends with because we tend to marry our friends. My Stake president, at a youth conference, already sealed my fate when he, with no prior notice, announced that I would now bear my testimony as to how I would only date members of the church. But, what brings this all up is the sort of connection between arranged marriage and compelled friendship...

Now, to my real topic, Visiting Teachers. What is a visiting teacher. Well, we all might have our own personal definition based on our own experiences, but my favorite VT's were most of all friends. But, looking at the title, what is it? The subject or noun is a teacher, not a visiting friend, but visiting TEACHER. This made me realize that friendship just naturally develops as one learns more, which happens when they visit with you.

I instantly think of Jesus because to me visiting sounds like nomadic, and well teacher means rabbi or vice versa...

Southern accent

I do not have one at all, but I never thought that I had one at all, and onetime at "Subway" in WA someone asked me where I was from. I was perplexed, and said, "uh, Michigan, I guess." then they said that I had a southern drawl. Weird.

But then when I heard my sister on the radio, I thought she sounded like such a hick. And when I heard Brandall and my Kids on the phone from TN, I couldn't believe that I hadn't even noticed the accent. I always focused so much on not saying "Yous guyses" or other things that Michiganders say. all of my vowels were way too flat.

I studied diction in Mississippi, and had a german professor from Arkansas, so, I suppose to me, that was the base. My best friend who claims Memphis and Sheffield/florence was really born in Texarkana, Arkansas. I used to tease her about sharing a birthplace with Bill Clinton. lol

Seriously though, I wondered at the differences in English and wondered how it happened. I mean we had alot of french influence being so close to Quebec, but it was nothing like La. Creole influence, strangely enough.

I decided that southern language was just the least evolved of the Old World speech. Cause I did Brandall's geneology and it was mostly aristocracy and such. Opposed to my assumptions after living in GA which was a penal colony, TN and much of the south was aristocratic plantation owners, who came to America to use the Land and crops for easy profit, hence communication wasn't something they needed to replace. But with the internet it is finally fading, but I still think it was an aristocratic thing, and the speakers need not be ashamed or think of it as a scar or branding of stupidity. then again, maybe that is exactly what they hope to do.

Mississippi is so different than the was it is portrayed intentionally. It is done to frighten the outsiders away.

Maybe

I really don't have the same concerns I used to. I do not even care about maybe. I still care alot, but not about the things that might be, they don't matter right now, and when they do I won't care then, so why care now? I'll just say "Oh well" to everything that could go wrong and try to avoid them, but not to the point of distraction.

I thought a thought to put on ere then though, hmm, it would really make a better song, but that's when I thought that maybe the reason I used facebook was to compensate for my lack of ability to get my ideas out to the world.

It was my goal in my teens to have my music heard around the world, so I sent music to people all arounf the world and asked that they would play my cd, they didn't have to listen or be effected in any way. Check! it was accomplished, but then, I got sick, and though I hate to speak in cliche' "when a door is closed a window is opened." I was able to actually share my ideas with all of the world and everyone else fgot to see how consuming it is to write music. look how addictive facebook is. Well, I do not mind giving thatr up to work on writtingf my ideas in songs again. I cannot help but point out that even theSavior spoke in parables or stories which were not plain to everyone, so what if people never understand my songs? I got to share a whole lot of my ideas. I just had another, I want to start a blog called my desk, and in one drawer, I'll hide away a note to my beloved!

stranger than fiction

Just that title alone makes me think of other strange coicidence I ought to jot down, but I mean to do one thing only, to tell of my latest adventure, kinda.

I have never been so happy to loose a tooth in my life!

As strange as that sounds, it is a bit like the movie "Castaway". Only I didn't have an ice skate. I looked at other options. My pain was so terrible for days it hurt to eat, so I simply stopped eating or chewing gum. Speaking usually hurts, but I rarely say more than I have too. I mostly type (which is pain free). But, today, my headache was making it almost too intense to bear. I took Asprin, to no avail. What's up with that stuff anyway? So, I finished my daily Lapghan strip for Joseph and was baking a pizza. My pain was so bad that I decided to take a hot bath, but grabbed a slice of pizza and figured that I would just suck on it while I took a bath, then I noticed something else in my mouth so I spit it out. I couldn't figure out where it came from, even in the mirror. It was my tooth and the pain in my mouth where it had been was gone, It still feels odd but it was a massive relief!

Time for my face, huh?

The first is Lena, then is me on February 2nd, 2012.




Maybe I ought to start a blog just for faces. Then show how they change over time! if time lasts that is.

A revelation

If things do not happen and you keep praying for them. It isn't that your prayer isn't answered. Stop praying for that, and notice what you are being given. You probably are being answered, just not getting the one "sign" that you want.

Such a little thing

During my preparation time, I realized that my Oaths are serious, not just words spoken to get what I want, well, sorta, but what I want requires integrity.

I must never view pirated material again, if it just effects me I'm okay with it, but my children really love to play several games on the wii and the DS that I cannot afford, but they, too are reasonible, and if I just explain myself wholy to them, they will understand.

It is funny. I told Lena that I had almost a single purpose to learning all I could, I wanted to be able to answer every question and never say "Just because" I explained to her that most times I think others could have told me why but they didn't have the patience, it frustrated me so much. Then When I told her to turn off the TV to get ready to leave (cause soon her father would be here to pick her up), she asked, "Why?" . I didn't bother answering her. Then she said, "Well, you're doing it right now. If you hate it so much why don't you just answer me." d'oh! So, repirmanded, I did explain it to her and she obeyed me. I explained that knowing why was not a requitiste for obedience, though, just a courtsey.

backfire

Like a gun, when it is fired at a target, that requires a skill in aiming, and tends to result in a kick back, or backfire.

My aim was to have a notion reaffirmed, because, well, nevermind the because, the whole thing backfired when I was feeling secure at last. I got knocked on my butt. Am I really that confusing. Naw, it is just a security measure, to bury pearls in my words to be discovered only by those who are actually looking for them.

It occurred to me that long after I die my words will remain, hence I avoid using a pencil or ink that bleeds (though admittedly, paper chromatography is cool).

I just yawned!!! That's easy enough to understand.