Another gripe

I am not done griping yet, oooooooooh! i am so angry, even my last very angry post didn't cool me down like reasoning usually does. Nothing prepared me for the filthy way of life that Nick lives in, Like everything else in his life, he has an excuse. Most of them are blamed on me. I lack organization skills. I don't cook well. I loose thing because of my ADHD. Whatever. I lived for years with brothers and took care of babies a house and a husband, but I never had to deal with the sorts of mess and chaos that I do now. i was supposed to be on bed rest when I was terribly sick with Mary, but, if I failed to take care of anything around the house, it just would not get done. When I gothome from the hospital (nearly died again) the house was a horrible mess. Talk about a nice way to be welcomed home. I was rushed to the Hospital because I was gushing blood. I lost way too much, but Nick didn't even want to be disturbed, so I cleaned up the excessive puddles of blood that came unexpectedly, then I woke him up. I was not supposed to hold joseph, but often HAD to there was simly no other choice. After my surgeries I just wanted to sleep, but had to cook and get caught up on cleaning as well as take care of a baby an Oxygen machine(when she got to come home) and take care of my little trouble maker who wanted to hit and bite me. Anyway, I survived all of that. so, I'll get over this. But I just find it difficult to believe that Heavenly father wants me to have to put up with this, but I'll do it if he asks. it is just going to take me a while to actually like it here. I still think most of the time that I might be happier anywhere else, and we aren't sealed, but I love those children, I wouldn't give ditching Nick a 2nd thought, but I could not ever leave because I would not abandon the children to this.

Things that need attention:
My Shower is broken.
My bathroom toilet is non-functional so I have to use the steps which are very difficult for me.
The water filter has been broken (not replaced with red light on) for over a year.
The dishwasher doesn't work.
Joseph needs a bed and drawer.
Mary's bed was destroyed by Joseph, but it was given to us, because it was going to be thrown away, so I can't complain.
I didn't even have a dresser for years. The only new clothes that I got were from my children, who need things, too.
A package has been sitting on the counter since last November for his best friend.

I am not going to teach him, but so many people think things like, "I am not going to worry about it." Well, I hate that. He is just too comfortable with so many things. He reminds me of the same attitude that black people in gangs have, a sense of entitlement, like he just deserves things.

In conclusion, though I always remind myself that God doesn't respect persons and loves everyone and the fact that when something is required of us, a way is provided that we will be able to accomplish that thing. I will do as the Lord requires, I'd like to understand, but it isn't necessary. And understanding might not even be possible yet so obedience is of most importance. You know, if I were truly a good person I wouldn't need to murmur like this. Oh well!