I don't know exactly why, but i know there is something more than a communication problem. My needs are completely different and foreign to Nick, and his aren't foreign to me. I just don't care and honestly believe most are imagined. But, I had a similar issue when i tried to live out west before. There was a good friend of mine who said that he was mentally handicapped, and that is what his parents always told him. I did not believe it. But he was entirely taken care of my the government, a nice perk for claiming to be backwards mentally, Well, aren't we all?
I could see that he was plainly socially backwards, but I figured that stemmed frombeing coddled all of his life. But, who was I to challenge something that was working out great. So is my situation. Things are working out great so why change anything? Well, because I do not want to be a careless westerner. That's not what I am. I feel completely like a square peg determined to fit in this round hole, which is simply not going to work. All the while I see others around me just accepting things they are told which are not true as well. without speaking in riddles, plainly, I never eat anything, like this past week, I had about ten cookies, total, I did eat a partial slice of pizza and almost an entire half of a can of clam chowder, but my "energy" needs are being met through cookies right now, and lke a whole lot of things, I can not do this long term, and I never intended to. It is this issue that I feel has lead to my tooth condition which can not be ignored for much longer, It will likely forcde me to take some sort of action because I cry because the pain is so intense sometimes, but no one cares, it's my trouble. And I would take care of it, if I had a means..... uh oh! that reminds me of a song I wrote, "If Only" there are so many things I claim that I would most certainly do, if I could. But it is really sad that I am not able to do almost everything that I want to, somethings gotta give, that's all there is to it, and I feel strongly that it is about to...
To get where I am now, I had to do several things that I would never have chosen to do, yet, I needed to do them to accomplish my desire which was a righteous thing. I will not change even if I do things contrary to what it seems I ought to do. Sounds a bit hypocritical to me though.
Probably the most profound an compelling thing that motivated me today was a quote by David A. Bednar in a talk about doing family history. Which to me points out that it is service to others that is the method that we get what we need, so If you need anything, go give anything you can to others. Serve others! You will never regret it.
The quote was (I'll go look it up rather than summarize)Well, unfortunately, I could find it no where in the talk but it was in our lesson today.Here is the talk, for refresher: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-hearts-of-the-children-shall-turn?lang=eng He said that it is not as important to ask young me if they are planning to serve missions as it is to ask if they are worthy to go to the temple. I jotted it down, to be advice for when teaching my daughters how to chose properly.
The point was that if a person is living properly, they will act accordingly. hmm doesn't that seem to be contrary to what i just said, not when uou take grace into consideration. I did so many thing that brought upon me the deepest despair. I even became jealous of things like preparing a lesson and getting my kids ready for church, which I thought would be a benefit from by staying off the LDS radar. but, on the contrary. I wanted a bishop to somehow fix things. I wished that I had never done much of what I did, but I was forgiven. I learned truly how that no matter how you "soil" yourself you can be spotless again, and now I face the trouble of being like the Lamanites who when converted burried their weapons, and were willing to die for their resolve to not take up their weapons. It was a proof of the Antonement to me when during the recommend interview questions were asked I realized that one by one those had been issues that made me feel terrible about myself, but I was able to answer without hesitation that I do live correctly now, ands AM worthy to enter the Temple. That is forgiveness and the true power of grace!
Finally, I realized that my notion of total respect for Integrity was wrongly placed. Integrity is only so admirable if the ideal reached for is Celestial. And my trouble is not lack of patience. I always fool myself saying that Nick does really want the same things as me but he just is slower. that is obviously false. His very actions communicate where his devotion lies and it isn't where Mine is. There is not even the littlest glimmer of hope that he feels any remorse for not living up to expectations. I used tot hink it was just me East Coast notion of needing to be an example to others, but it just happens everything he does is an example of what he is striving for and values. And he finds enough peers, and admirerers, he doesn't need me.
Most of all though, I am so extremelyy axious to go to both Seattle and Sandusky this year! Whew! what a year this will be, and it has only just begun.
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