Totally blindsided

From out of the blue, comes this heavy despair. I just have this feeling like I am completely worthless and I have been the only one buying into any of my pipe dreams.

Without details, I spent most of the day feeling good and ultimately, unworthy of any praise I had been giving myself. I started seeing how much worth everyone around me had always been and strangely, I felt humiliated to even think myself an associate of these let alone anyone I had regarded so highly, until I heard a talk today about how God uses our admiration of others to bring about his purposes. Just maybe some of those instruments were being used in my behalf and my despair was an attempt to discourage me or trick me into not believing in my own self, or that I could have worth. Even my children seem better without me, but for lack of anyone else, I temporarily will do, but they deserve so much better.

Yeah, it's working to depress me more just to write about it, which I really had hoped for the opposite. I had concluded before I began that I needed to stop trying so hard to accomplish things that were pointless and unimportant anyway. Now, I don't really think any accomplishment is pointless. I have an exceptional sense of selfworth normally, too. which makes this feeling even more rediculous.

I was feeling too good maybe, I can put everything that is in a great big scale and say that this depression is just to allow for an even greater elation to come, but I'm not a fool, or am I?

I want to go back to much happier thoughts regarding the church vs. the gospel of Jesus Christ. Maybe it was that while my thoughts were bringing me peace of mind and internal unity, the cost was a dread of what the conclusion must therefore be, but I hid that away 'till "tomorrow. Cause Tomorrow is another day." Even though contemplation of certain things bring me the highest joy, None of it is evidentially supported, and my hope is so great that a huge pile of grief had to be stacked on, to even things out. Well, just maybe, I think that the hope isn't worth the grief and I be better off without any of it. That leads me back to where I started. I do want to accomplish something, but something tells me that it will not be on my terms anyway.