One thing in life I've observed

The reason behind any given action, is not usually the cause of the effect we desire.

The biggest example, though examples are as far reaching and beyond my imagination's boundries, is found in my list. For those who just stumbled by, let me expound. I made a list of attributes that I thought were necessary ones to be possessed by an individual to attract and keep me.

We all know the story of Peter the Pumpkin Eater. To me, I figured his problem could have been avoided by sticking to a list, which list I abandonded with my first husband.

A list needs to be created before it is needed. I was obviously blinded by love and thought my list wasn't important. But, we have often heard that the time to make a choice is before we feel the pressure of need to do so. I thought that I was of good mind this time and I looked over my list and, it was like seeing why you missed an answer, a much more effective way to learn something. So, I noticed that the reasons my marriage failed were probably because I ignored my list of attributes.

I revised my list knowing what I knew then, which was much more, admittedly, and I did not alter anything, until my now husband refused to write a story with me. I will never forget. I will never ever ever ever forget the terrible feeling I had when I realized that I must either toss my list or my hopes of achieving my goals. Needless to say, I married him and turned the other cheek on my silly list.

This time, though I am still married I needed to record my observation that, and it is not what you might think, our list even if followed are not as effective as we might think.

So, he refuses to be who he could be. This is nothing new to,me. But, what is new to me is even if he becomes everything he potentially could be, he would only be everything I wanted. There is something that cannot be defined in our language that,matters most.

I assumed, for instance, that a strong tall man was desirable for security, but that was wrong. Security is still the desired effect of being with another, but it does not come from physical strength. Likewise, I had LDS and musician on my list, desiring to be understood, but if the direction matters more that the location, it may,be that a more like-minded person would peruse Mormonism and music, but those are not as needful as I had thought.

I came here because, "for once in my life, I want to belong..." Now, that I am here and where I do fit in, I am even more unhappy than I was before.

I really ought to be making resolutions or preparing an FHE Lesson or something.

No title yet

I have thought lots of things that I do not understand. It is common, and I assigned a word to the occurance. I say they are things that I believe.

As I was studying faith, I realized 2 very important things. 1) to have beliefs is part of who we are. Faith is a divine attribute inherited from our Heavenly Father, like hair or eye color, only it is better likened unto sight or taste. It is something we are born with, and it is very handy and essential (if you are German that word choice might,make you chuckle). 2) Faith is hope for things which are not "seen" but are true.

Over the years I have seen things I only believed blossom into a full blown truth, or something I could comprehend and build upon. There are things I still do not understand and the number grows larger with time. Some things are propoaterous and yield me nothing and they are tossed. There are beliefs though entirely proposterous and unsupported can not be dismissed.

It would seem they are not true and yet, I cling dearly to them. I think they sort of define me. Among these things are things like that Jesus Christ lives, or that we will live with a God somewhere again, yeah, all of us.

Then there are things that have never crossed,my lips but reside,in,my mind and sort of infect my heart.I won't know them, but I cannot deny them either, one such thought crossed my mind this morning and I have decided to plant it again.

I want to go home

A True Christmas story

Once upon a time, there was a little old lady who lived in a barren desert and was feeling alone and glum, and she wanted to sparkle like all of the Christmas lights.

But, instead she just felt sorry for herself and complained a lot. It was Christmastime and she figured that she ought to read about the Nativity, but a single nag in the form of a scripture came to her mind. It was "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father in Heaven."

She applied it in many ways, but when she stopped being so egocentric and noticed it in others something magical happened.

Merry Christmas

Just wanted to send out my wish to the world wide web, and express how deeply I love Jesus. This will likely mean little to you, but just the same, I do wish you a happy day and remind you of Our Savior. He actually came to earth!!!! How wonderful is that? Because he came and actually did what we could not, we can live forever with our father in heaven. That deserves a day at least.

I love my Heavenly Family so much, sometimes it makes me cry out of an inability to express such a powerful emotion.

So, I shout it out here on this figurative rooftop. I am so lucky and honored to be able to take the name of Christ and I hope that I am strong enough to recognize and live up to it's responsibility, like so many others around me.

Increasing accountability

I am writing this here to clarify and solidify my state of mind, as it has been long sought after, and too perfect to last unless I record it here to repeatedly confirm and remind until it is written in my heart.

I feel,like I opened the door a crack and I want to put my foot here to hold the door. I do believe that Heavenly Father, or Elohiem as is known to the LDS faith. I believe that he is the literal father of Jesus Christ, and is in control of all things. I believe that he not only knows all things, but wants the best for his children, who we are.

I know that He has been preparing me for something and although at times I get discouraged, I know everything will work out and there is likely a reason. I am as foolish as a little child who gets upset or even throws a tantrum or reacts inappropriately when things happen in a way I do not understand.

We understand easily how parents temporarily give their child up for their best, but children do not understand and think that they have been abandoned. Likewise,  I am where I was intended and I have not failed except in my own rebellious desires

The reason for my trouble

I have been too deep in thoughts lately to interrupt my life and jot them down here, a lot of them have been regarding stories, but the light hearted thought I chose to put here was the reason, imo, why I am so lonely.

Usually, people have a large net of friends, I never have, probably the example of my parents and an effect of moving around a lot, it causes you to avoid attachments that won't last.

My family has always,been the center of my existance and it worked well for me, but neither men I married made very good friends. They have a weird idea about the roles in marriage.

The point being that I do not make many friends but the ones I do only make me more unhappy where I am.

Get a little perspective

Allow,me to help put a bit in perspective. A million seconds can be comprehended in terms of days while a billion seconds is about 32 years.

A real eye opener, huh?

Now, try to imagine yourself on a panel of judges asked to criticize and choose the most beautiful of women. They all meet certain criteria making them appear a certain way that is certain to please those who fund such events, but you are an expert and you judge more based on something unseen, though just as powerful, maybe it is called humility, a seemingly rare trait among the bunch excepting only those who feign it.

Your opinion is respected, but how do you judge? If it is a measurement of beauty, you have no doubt, but others might loose respect if you base you choice on an unseen unquatifiable feeling.

I believe all,mankind is united in how they feel about things like representations of stories that make us cry. Someone suggested that we are all children of God and when we sense that divinity in another we love it and it "touches" our hearts.

God is love. There is a song that comes to mind that talks about trying to be like Jesus."...show kindness in all that I do or say." When people are just kind and loving not for any purpose then it is noticed and they are beautiful to us. For perspective, it is God who we love and when others emulate him, they become more,beautiful and desirable than anyone, appearing ANY WAY could ever be.

The incredible shrinking woman

At first, I was happy to loose weight. I liked how everything fit more loosely, except for some personal items and panty hose that go on easy and try to slide off easy, too.

I honestly am not changing anything in my lifestyle, but my mom told me that it was natural to gain about 5lbs every 10 year's after 30, but this is ridiculous. I think I am loosing all my muscle tone, except for what I need to sit up and move around and such.

Today, was the last straw. I am having to struggle to keep my wedding ring on. Now, don't tell me that is a matter of muscle tone. Though it may,be, I used to play piano for several hours per day, anyway, an old tip all the girls in Ellijay used to wear huge class rings of their boyfriend was to wrap yarn or tape until the size was diminished. I am going to have to do that to my ring, too. Right now all I have is bright orange duct tape though...

the silly things I think...

this is an unabreviated version (uncensored I should say) of what I thought in our lesson on Sunday. It was about the signs of the second comming and the teacher was writting things on the board that were found in the scriptures. I laughed to myself as she wrote love waxing cold cause really I instanty thought about halloween.

I made costumes because that was what I asked for for my birthday present, but suprise, it never happened, so early that morning I made Nicks costume, As we got reasy to go I told him that his outfit was erfect no one would ever guess, so I gave him a piece of cardboard. Mine said Undercover FBI agent. his said Loving parent, but he refused to wear it. So, I gave it to a neighbor.

Why would I thik of this is regards to the second comming of Christ? Well, naturally, a paentis supposed to love his child, but Nick wouldnt even wear the costume for a we bit,in the pitch dark. This seems some how unnatural to me, and an example oflove wxing cold. We were quite cold. :) Though, not as cold a last year.

microwaved head anyone?

Just thinking about how funny it was when Gavin did something to make me furious and I said, Boy you are lucky I dont microwave your head! Then later on a walk I was explaining how we do not do somethings that we think of and we ought to not even say them so that we can stop thinking them as well.

Brooksie asked me Well, you couldnt really microwave Gavins head, anyway, could you? So we discussed the logistics and Gavin was getting angry with our banter. Finally, I assured him that he wouldnt feel a thing anyway, he would already be dead because I would have to chop off his head first. He then said, Oh, you are joking again, huh? You couldnt get my head off. So I grabbed him around the neck and said Well, let us see. he started screaming and ran away. So I told the girls I would just feed him to the dogs near the church. ha ha ha, then after we passed the fence Brooksie said well,I guess you wont be feeding those dogs today. Gavin said I heard it was their fast Sunday!

I shoulda' known

I really should have suspected there was a reason for it. I was very ill this morning, but I felt almost like writting a conclusion letter. The concluding would be solely on my part because there was nothing recipicolaly to be concluded. But, really, it isn't the first time I was completely full of gratitude for the driving force pushing me on to better myself. I noticed in high school how I get by according to what is expected of me, so I wanted to surround,myself with people and ideas that I wanted to emulate. I felt like I might be a tad bit annoying to the casual dreamer, and I was so sorry for not respecting enough, really I felt very foolish and humbled.

It was at this point that I started thinking about forever again, though. I thought about how Nick really doesn't DESERVE anything. Yeah, he is a good person, and occasionally a very wise one, you know the sort, most consider him a friend. He is friend of everyman, and I am proud to be associatedwith him t most tmes. I was thinking about a comment he made which made me feel proud to be associated with him he said, " People do not stay long in our ward. They are all newlyweds or Nearly Deads."

My thought is that he is everyman's friend, and we really do not have much in common. Sure it can be said that no matter how we got there, we both ended up in the same place, but you can say that about a doctor and their patient, too, but you wouldnt want the patient to perform surgery. I had been thinking about how luky people are to grow up in Utah. it really is such an ideal place. But I was just telling someone the otherday how we tend to need resistance to grow correctly. A Philosophy professor asked me if I was a philosophy major after class. I told him that I was just Mormon. Confused he asked me why that would make a difference. I told him that I had to know what I believed and why I believed it.

The past is what was used to create the pool of experiences which we now swim. uh, yeah, having said that, I do not dismiss the likelihood of people changing, but Nick had an awesome mother (so I am told) and no doubt lots of positive peer pressure and he chose to abandon it. Likewise, He got a second chance to be sealed forever to an awesome family, but he chooses somethng else. He decided that what he decides in his time frame is the only thing that matters, meanwhile...

The point was that I was intending to write an actual letter showing gratitude for being made aware of one amid an exsistance of millions of others, and that I would forever be thankful, etc. etc.etc. but, I spent most of this night dreaming of all of the awesome opportunities I intended to take advantage of and all of the things I would do IF ONLY I could. I find myself  back on this rollercoater ride and I want off! I hate this! No getting around it. I suppose it is Romantic, really perfect things cannot last.

banish fear

I just heard something that my current perspective clung to as important So, I'll jot it down in case my perspective changes and forgets this truth. Jesus Christ not only was resurrected so he lives somwhere right now, but he gave us the awesome gift of not ever having to fear death, or as Moiarity talks about in "Elementary Dear Data" and "Ship in a bottle". the prospect of ceasing to exsist. With Christ mortality has no end, so we can banish fear.

when is something right?

It is simpler than you might think to know something is right. Feelingsomething is right mibitgravithy, meaning if you have never felt it's opposite you may not notice. "... It knows not how it sounds..." according to Annie Lennox. Last night "Anonymous" was right, and this evening "Terra Nova" was right. Because, I found myself agreeing with everything. There are a number of things to choose from constantly, but when we choose the right one, the example I gave was in video, when we choose the right one we feel right about it, if you ever have chosen the wrong you will feel a distinct difference between it and what is right. Then, our tas hs been made much easier by having things like scriptures or organized religon tell us what to choose, so that we do not have to choose the wrong one or ever feel it to know the right. I will explin it in terms that are easier to understand. When we are feeling well, or healthy, we are happy. When we feel sick we are miserable. Some people teach how to always be healthy. and really, it is when we feel sick that we realize how much better it is to be healthy, so we teach our children to be healthy and use memorized methods t do this. Yeh, we are happier, but being happy really wasn't the purpose of being healthy, as being miserable isn't the helpful part of getting sick. It is just related, it reminds me of a stargate episode, but I'll spare you, it was simply about a circumstance that exsisted to protect the people by killing themselves, though itwas not the purpose that they believed. So, though religon might be called any number of things, anything that teaches us to chose the right things is good happiness is a side-effect of doing what is right, not the reason to do or not do it. I was specifically thinking in terms of movies right now, and how my religon teaches me not to watch rated R movies, and onemight think what the heck does a religon think? There is no religious jurisdiction over what I watch, and there are some "wrong" thing to watch that might make us feel happy.

I know what you mean...yeah right.

First off, it is highly unlikely that any two minds have the potential to even comprehend one another, but I want to adress how offensive I find the creation of such a phrase. It is one to be used with others to create a sense of security, but it is just an empathetic counterfeit. A real understanding is desirable but it cannot be duplicated, and requires no vocal communication.

Whew! that was a lot of words but I still failed to communicate what I was really thinking about in the first place.

I was thinking about  how I think about my mom's sense of smell or how others sense anything and then we use words that are agreed to mean something universal. For instance, if I think something is blue. I teach my children that whatever it is they see that we are looking at we refer to it as blue, but I have no simple way to know that what we both refer to as blue is the same color. And I was thinking about how people like stories they can relate to.so that they can liken it to things they do not understand, but it is not sure that what is being said by the author is translating to mean the same thing to the reader.

Lastly, saving it for last means it must be the most important, I was thinking about how people try to interject little comments when trying to listen and be helpful by saying, "Yeah, me, too". or, "I know what you mean." When seriously, no matter how well meaning they might be they could not comprehend what you are saying the way you are saying it. Language is flawed! In this paragraph, I wanted toinclude a tid bit about language that I picked up from my roomate from Japan. She didnt say I know but constantly made sounds, It bothered me when listening (eaves dropping) to her phone conversations, until she expained that they were just noises made to let the speaker know that you were listening. I notice the excessivde use of Hmm in FinalFantasy 7 videos. but, in perspective, it is less like Oh in English but more like I know, not in definition, but it function.

But, I have said so much before in the phrase, "Everyone has a story." and really even when we try to hear other stories we only hear what they describe in terms of what our own story tells us about life. I was specificaly refering to things, thoughts in particular, that I have ascribed to people. That become part of them or their personality, a far as I know, which might be totally false. I am always thinking about things that people say or do And I think "oh, such and such cares about that." An example might be that someone talks about portion conrol and I instantly think, "That's something Michael Moore cares about." Alot of things I think about people, like what they would care about or think about something, have no real origin.like in college, I got really embarassed anytime people talked about Jane Eyre infront of one guy. I actually blushed visibly and was extremely untrusting of my "microexpressions" when someone jokingly said, "What? does he have an insane wife hiding upstairs?" But, really, no one would ever even suspect anything or have a clue as to what I was thinking with out outward indications. duh! I learned to mask myself better subsequently, though I still get embarassed by little harmless things that happen, even though they would not cause the same ideas in others even if they said "I know."

That's another silly thing about "I know." If I tell a little story about a girl who gets lost in the woods and every tree starts to look the same until she remembers that someone told her that moss grows on a certain side of the trunk, She gains her bearings and continues on to familiarity where eventually she finds her home and lives hapily ever after. I may have just given someone the answer to their life-long dilemma. Unwittingly they tell this story to someone else thinking that they are bearing their soul because to them it means something very personal, so when someone half-listening says, "I know" to them saying that "we have indications like the moss on trees all around us." The person agreeing only meant that "yes, the sun is not the only way to tell which was is east." But, now, the first person believes that this listener has had a similar situation in their life. I think that happens to me.

I was watching a cartoon with the kids today, ooh another one came to mind, too. In the frst cartoon, a child tells their parent something about what a friend said and wisely the parent asks, "what did they actually say?" To me, that was popularly admitting that we all believe things the way we want to understand them. The second cartoon was a Veggie Tale called the "Rumour weed." Where a rumor gets started based on truth that was spoken, but misunderstood. The parent solved the trouble by asking the child to make sure they understand the words others use before concluding things and telling others things that might cause hardship for another. That's fine and all, but I do not see the need of including the latter part at all anyway, because who decides what is going to cause a hardship?

I think of a lot of the jokes Elmo tells which poke fun at the things we say that are true in meaning, but not necessarily in definition. In the Best of Elmo 2, Elmo tells a robot that they need to HOP to it. ofcourse we all KNOW what he meant,but the robot only knows what it is defined as. Sort of humorous, too is when Elmo prtends tobe a letter Y and the robot guesses Y but Elmo keeps answering Why.

body evolution

There were times that my body could be defined as a gangly zitty teen, a sexy something, a pregnant lady and the list goes on I was always told, you'll be pretty when you grow up or that I have a different body type is all. but, I'm just not feeling any completion in any of those ideas, and maybe that is why metaphors like being like a butterfly work because they define your being as requiring a constant hope, well, I do not kniw what I am becoming, but it is something and it isn't "the change" that all women refer to when your purpose is,no longer defined by you ability to procreate. I am going through a change regardless, and I just wonder what stays with me that has always been and forever will be and remain, I want to work on that, not at being the best something or other whatever that may,be to be the best. birth and death are pretty constant and we define someone as a bab or a sik, elderly person. but, what if a person is elderly and neither sick nor dying? but, they6 are different tyhan they were so when did they change or is thaty just another transition?

what happened

today, even,in my delerium from no sleep while nursing a vomiting child and preparing for an honestly thankful dinner, I sqeeked out this thought trying to figure out, with enough distance from my unexpected tragedy to answer some serious questions, honestly and unbiased.

First off I still defend my obsession as healthy and normal. It is an extremely common thing to find a young woman who idolizes a certain type of person and find it in those who are commonly put in front of her. I did not only have one person who I esteemed much more than unusual. But, when I read about things that other "fans" had done I thinkthat I was not a Fanatic. I just appreciated things more than the,casual "layman". For instance, I read that Adam Duritz started a record lable and mailed him demo cassettes of,very poor quality, believing that he would sense something great even if it was still in progress. But, even a fiance' found my interest in Counting Crows a little disconcerting and asked me to stop listening to them so much.

so, I really didn't think anything about making known to others how much I idolized other musicians, I figured it was simething that everyone did and guys hated, but that was that. I reviewed how my husband expressed his dislike of my current obession, maybe because Iwas supposed to have outgrown it. I do not really understand it yet, but he went so far as to sort of "tell on me". I honestly do not think I ever even spoke of my musical super hero anyway, but Brandall thought enough to totally blow my appreciation out of perspective and tell my parents that I only married him because I thought that he was alot like some other guy, which frustrated me, but I honestly didn't take such an outrageous thing seriously.

I really ought to explain that he had an undeniable amount of truth to his little tattle, but he had it all messed up in his mind. It really was something that ought to be flattering to him, but that brings me to the next disclosure that he made to me about his first wife, who I was a lot like, but never claimed that he only married me,because hecouldn't have her so I was the next best thing. Really, though, now that's how I feel. He said that she married him because she thought that he would become someone, really, he is talented enough, It was really all a matter of priorities. I think that he also applied that sort of thought to me. Sort of silly, I never ever thought he would accomplish anything musically, though I helped in little ways like in assisting his recording and pressing of cds and promotion.

Still, I love the same things, though it has been suggested by others that It is like spinning my wheels in racing off after that car. But, seriously, I must remind myself that parts don't make the whole, a lot like I might love baking soda mixed in to a cookie, but I do not need to try a spoonful of baking soda to know that just because I love cookies and soda bread etc that I will necessarily like straight soda.

still, what the heck happened to bring me here?

I feel like I awoke into a whole new world and do not know really how I got here or what I ought to have gained by it all, but I know the padt is the past and tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!

quotes that make you go huh?

wisdom is a quality which I have






fortunately



















never posessed.

Random babble

I do not understand the compulsion I have to type things out, maybe it is because I am afraid that I'll get old or stop thinking and I get upset that I do not have more photos of myself and musical compositions from before I lost everything. I know that it is only temporary, but in that little interim, I would like to occupy my thoughts with what was, rather than inaccurately recall that I was much better than I could have possibly been, and lament my loss more than is necessary.

Today, I thought 2 things c/o stargate atantis.

1) how the most entertaining episodes mirrored my life at the time, only because it is fiction everything has a happy ending. note: I'm thinking of that episode where McKay endured a "second Childhood". He got sick with a parasite that was only able to harm him because his imune system was compromised, everyone else gets infected too likely, but their body fights it off successfully. I like the line where he says, "I have already lost more than most people ever have." It is interesting that people like him better as he begins to show signs of his progressive illness. I was thinking, yeah, people maybe it is better to not have him back in his full arrogance.

2) Trye captured Ronan who also was thought to be under Michael's influence, uh, I mean the wraith's. but his loyalty was still to John Shepherd, though no one knew it. I particularly paid attention to how such a pretended loyalty got him close enough to help what seemed an impossible situation, Ofcourse, everything ended well and fine. That reminds me of the trick used on the replicators in not letting Woolsey know the real plan so when he thought that he had betrayed his cohorts when he had his brain searched, and we as viwers believe all that we see to be true, but it is not. It is only as Woolsey believes it to be, which was part of the plan. He gives away a "secret" plot to escape, which was a partof the real secret plot to escape. I love that.

It just occured to me that reading blogs s like putting my hand in someone else's mind.

loop dee loop

I go in circles on this, right now I am in the part of a circular trail with my mental discusion where, I can understand things more clearly and I see how foolish I have been to hope such a foolish thing, but I have always hoped for foolish things like Rhett Butler in GWTW I like lost causes when they are truly lost. I feel happiest when I stop and look and see that my struggle was all imaginary, anyway. Well, not entirely. but the part of being figured out is, I remain insignificant!

Wii music and Vivaldi

I love Wii music. mostly because Joseph enjoys it so much. It is the perfect marriage of video games and composing music, and he is saying that he is a bad boy because his mii character is crying. This happens when he performs poorly. It really entertains me and the ids ove to do what they see mommy and daddy doing. Joe really thinks that he is that good, too so it instructs but makes self confidence stronger, a bit like pentatonic keyboards for kids, no matter what note they play they will sound good, which isn't really how it is, but I like how they are able to "sense and reflect" for themselves and not just be taught what works, then they mostly learn what I value and that if they do what I do they will sound like me, but sooner or later I'm going to die, and I am so happy that they are expiramenting and concluding on their own thus they can discover their own voice, not a copy of someone else. Now sometimes we just happen to be like someone else on accident, like the time I thought of the theory of relativity and was so excited, but when I started explaining it, someone laughed at me and assumed that I had been reading some book about it. It's all been done, so chances are my original thoughts and feelings are only new to me, but like Soft determinism just because someone knows it doesn't make your discovery any less significant.

This morning I remembered what I intended to say here, it was how watching Joseph play on wii music triggred a kind of maternal response, dare I call it love. And people accused Vivaldi of loving his pupil, but he denied it fully, I suppose people always delight in uncovering scandal, and if he were really in love, he wuld not deny it. duh!

I instantly thought of how Vivaldi used his incredible skill to create such a feeling in others who visited the orphanage. Maybe you don't know all about this Red Bearded concerto grosso.composer, so I'll expound.

Antonio Vivaldi who worked in an orphanage and had the title of "The Red Preist". Have you seen "Nacho Nibre"? His life was thought of when I saw this film. Anyway, the brilliant man wrote orchestral pieces that were easy enough to be accompanied by almost anyone that showcased a few gifted players, then the chldren played his music from behind a sheet and listeners were potential adopters who heard the fantastic music which enticed them to want to adopt. Pretty cool, huh?

Ok, this is a segue to the most interesting point of his past. He was dedicated to the preisthood by his mother in turn for his life it is rumored, but most interesting is that his uncanny popularity was never known in his life time. But, just because those who lived when he did did not appreciate his works, it did not stop him from persuing this as a passion. There is barely a soul alive today who cannot sing along with the four seasons, and we think of him as such an outstanding or glamorous composer, but I suspect with no fame there was no money. Besides, his compositions were not fueled by a lust for cash or esteem, but love of children. Awwwww!

I get it!

I can see the big problem with the enticings...

A child's prayer

Whenever a mother writes a story about her child it is fantastic for 2 reasons:
1) It is her own flesh and blood, whom she adores like none else and 2) it wouldn't be worth the time to stop chasing and such unless it was considered fantastic. I write my story for yet another reason 3) The child literally is of infinite worth and what he did was so mind blowing that it is considered fantastic to me!

The story goes, that we were playing cars in the bath tub, a rather usual activity for a todler boy, but I asked if he woud mind terribly if I could say a prayer, which meant I would not be giving voices to a few of the cars for a while. He got all quiet and said, "Oh sure. Mommy say prayer." So, I prayed and as I finished I looked at him and there he sat arms folded and eyes closed! he said "Amen. Again, mommy, again." I asked, "You want me to pray again?" he nodded affirmatively and gave me two thumbs up.

I told him that Heavenly Father did not really want to hear from me again, It would be redundant. But, he wanted to hear what Joseph had to say. I asked him to say a prayer by himself.  He opened perfectly, and thanked Heavenly father for his toys. He proceeded to ask that he could go to the park because he was a good boy. Then concluded perfectly.

I just wanted to give him a big hug. I was so happy. I got to thinking about what my friend Hannah had said about her son and I had just seen the primary program so I concluded that the children today must have an extra special spiritual nature and it is out duty as parents to gaurd and protect that! All my self-absorbed concerns faded away completely. My options were plain and simple there really was only one good choice and it was being made for me as this little boy prayed entirely by himself because he wanted to. My place was with him to see that he learn to make all of the best choices, and if we think our life is hard, I can only imagine how hard their's will be.

One time, casually, a woman told me that the most terrible time (so it seemed) in her life was when she honestly prayed for something very good. Without details she told me that we do not want to even know what our leaders go through to gain such strong testimonies.

Lastly, I want to conclude with a little tip I gave myself in college. I was alone in the dark in the music hall, I knew that it wasn't haunted because I was the one who started that rumor and had fun playing tricks on my classmates/teachers in the auditorium. But, I got really scared so I started to sing the song "A Child's Prayer" out loud "Heavenly father, are you really there? ..... Some say Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me when I pray..." and it worked I was not scared anymore. I used this trick everytime I started to get scared. I bet it would still work, although my fears have changed drastically.

cold and tired

I'm freezing and want to go to bed, but foremost I am a mother, and that is the littlest challange I will face today.

crud. I hate it when that happens. I had something to say, oh yeah!

I remembered why I got married. It was because being single seemed the most terrible thing I could imagine, and I considered myself fortunate to be wed to such a great man.

note: I said nothing about being in love now or ever.

I want to pray.maybe I will go an get Mary Anne to pray with me. heh, I nearly typed prey.

why women love the internet

In one word the answer to why women love to be online is Pintrest, but it is not that simple, they hate that they love it, too. Have you thougt about this, well, if you think while you read, and if you read this you might understand one reason.

I was cleaning the house thinking of a party game for little kids, baking cookies and picking out everyone's church clothes and was thinking, I want to get online or finish watching torchwood. to relax? I started thinking about how I grow accustomed to doing many things at once so much so that I don't like down time too much. I like to be accomplishing something while planning the next task.

at the end of the day I relax and do nothing but think. And what else would I think of but everything I failed to accomplish? So, I both love and hate the internet.Being online makes me feel busy, while I am truly accomplish nothing that I intended to that day.

Pintrest, seems delightful to learn from all of the brilliance out there, in particular mothers in my situation, but instead it makes,me feel stupid and that my own creativity, if compared, falls far short of what seems to be praised and will no doubt become the new norm. It also forces me to take note of all the things others are doing with their time and money. Just looking at other's project is like reading to increase your ignorance. The more you are aware of, the more you are made aware of the things you do not have, nor likely ever will.

It was funny, I told my first husband that I wanted my children to grow up poor. At the time he obliged, but I do not think he understood yet. My current husband lives like a wealthy person, but expects me to live happily in squallor, as long as his needs are met. I honestly do not think he sees me as a real live person. I'm just a nonpaid live in maid/nurse who could quit if I wished, another reason I love the internet, an escape, like that show (which I never saw) The housewives of Orange County. I can only imagine the ways screenwriters document their need to escape.

no one ever EVER asks

Because no one has ever asked nor are they likely to ask so I haven't really given it much thought, but if I thought about it I would have the distinct pleasure of disliking what I like.

 I like tall, strong, intelligent, and thins highly of me (unrealistic I have learned the hard way). People that come to mind are Sephiroth or Sam Wincester on Supernatural. A supercute guy was Peter on Heroes. Speaking of heroes, I suppose most of them fit, except for the liking me part.

Guys are easier to figure out, they like one type and all women want to look like that.

I do not like guys who are a liability or  love me as far as I happen to look like their ideal. What upsets me is that if I were completely honest with myself, I would want something that is not realistic, and not fair to men in general. I would not like my husband at all, but I do recognize that it is all superficial anyway.

No one is as perfect as I would want even if I increase my search perameters to include all appearances.

What really matters anyway?

Lots of things struck me as noteworthy as I reviewed the day, but one idea prevailed. in RS we discussed the topic of which side were we on and how even a fraction of the wrong life would not allow the spirit to be with us and though it might seem hard or restrictive to obey every rule happiness is not our goal, but it happens when we choose God's side.

It made me write down on apiece of paper a road one direction was a smile and the other was a frown (the misery that prevails if we choose to head that way). I cannot recall what I wrote (that's why I wrote it) It said something about it mattering more which way we were headed than how far we were.

This idea fits snuggly with many other great ideas, Like the notion of not judging a person's worth by how much they accomplish.

I thought about my music theory teacher who taught us to learn the rules before we break them, though, I thought our whole point was to learn to write better music. It is how we are with so many rules, it is only as we are older that we realize that happiness comes from choosing the best. One comment that hit home with me in so many ways was "When I start to rationalize or reason a thing out then I know that it is not the right thing." When asked how do we measure our success in staying on the Lord's side?

Without details lots of people told of really difficult choices where the right was not obvious. I liked the comment that it seems to boil down to good, better, and best. The adsversary is more cunning and has more sucesess with his targets if he gets them to do good things so often they don't have time for the best. That comment made me think of the thing that my mother told me that everyone has trials suited for them. Then shockingly, when asked, "how does the adversary target us?" the RS president said that he aims for our weaknesses. Well put.

I just kept thinking "You need to think some more on this. Something isn't making sense even if everyone agrees". It made me wonder about the whole notion of Good and better when making choices. It seemed that earlier we had learned that everything was black and white, one side or the other. I out right disagreed with one lady's dilema (only mentally). She thought everyone seemed to whole-heartedly agree. Her choice was between spending time with family or going to church. This other lady offered a solurtion that suggested that the peace and happiness from going to church could be found elsewhere. Nope. That was just wrong. I didn't know why at first, but I knew it was wrong. But, that is exactly how I thought as a youth or even in my music theory class. The point was that peace and contentment was not our goal, but doing what is right or legal is our goal.

It makes my choices so obvious. I do not want to be with Nick or his family forever. They are excellent people though and I want to do what is best for my children. And, I was thinking that it was a good, better, best problem, but I need to refocus on what really matters, not how happy I will or will not be. It doesn't matter what is best but what is right.

I want to conclude this rant with another quote, "We are tripped up most by things that seem good at the time, but they will bring nothingless than couterfiet happiess." Uh, I should have explained that it was not a direct quote, but how I understood what was said. Sorta like a translation of scripture though I meant well, I might have understood it differently. additional scripture: Luke 12:19

memory buttons

I watched Indiana Jones and the Ceystal Skull the other day. Initialy, I was not too fond of it, but, for some reason there was a line that pushed one of my buttons. I remember very few things, I am not sure but perhap my brain was damaged and it doesn't make connections as quickly. but there was a line where Marianne says to Indy that she is sure that there have been many others since her, and he admits that there have been, but there was always the same trouble. which lead her to inquire what that trouble was. This scene would not have been of much interest to me at the time, I admit it. But then he said simply, that none of them were her.

This was paying over and over in my head this evening as I went about my duties, until a button was pushed and this response was triggered. My response was an understanding. I understood that I was not a bad person and that there was no "Problem" to tell me about though I said that I didn't need one and was still looking for it, Only now dI really "get it." and simply do not need a reason for my failed attempts. it is due to my nature to only accept perfection as the goal, it does not allow me to settle with less, which is more than others and I realize that and I ought to be happy with the life that I have here to for lived, but I am not happy with mediocrity in any form be it higher than normal anyway.

So, I have had my intentions totally misunderstood, and had to assume the part of the "bad guy" but I have never been the bad guy just one who feel short of my intentions and tried to adjust.

Hegel's mashups

Ok the idea of dialectics is that to reach a sythesis you have to start with a thesis and then an antithesis and then in our buzz terms is known as a mashup. You mash 'em up into one, so synthesis is alot like what commonly refered to as a mashup. Clear?

Ok, this morning, I was thinking alot about my skill and love of acting and how it had gone to waste. Even past teachers noticed this skill, including a 2nd grade teacher, a 5th grade teacher and my music lit teacher who assigned me opera thifnking that my "dramatic flare" as my dad calls it would find a home. I did notice something peculiar though, but let me start with a leading passion SCUBA. Why on earth would I love it so much when I am afraid of the things that live in the water, they're just wierd! Well, I love SCUBA because it combined so many of my interests into one. It required a lot of skill or physical stamina and agility and mathmatics and science and a whole lot of planning, and it gave me something to look forward to during the week. it was my goal o make money so that I could support my habit of diving. You get to explore alot. I love t think of the oceans as our last frontier, I think diving paraleels being an astronaut, with out all the special clearance and training.

Since I was hospitalized I have not been able to dive, although not having a uterus ought to make me a great candidate, but my real talents that I have notice thus far, which have remained. I take this as a sort of hint as to what I ought to do.

I thought that I really liked poetry. I really loved music. And I always loved to act. Well, I suppose that music performance is just a mashup of poetry and acting. I was listening to a great performance and was being critical then it occurred to me that most performers, musicians, do not actually write or mean the words they sing, but rather put on a show pretending, like and actor, to mean what they are saying, but they don't, not really. Ah hah!  It was so obvious, and I consider myself a slueth! Fooey, the clues were right before me all long but I just now realized it, because I was studying what makes others such great performers, while I am not great and do not know how to start.

Stuff in my head

This is just disjointed enough to be classified as facebook stuff. You know, the stuff no one cares to know, but you tell them anyway.

I call "Whiter Shade of Pale" Joseph's song because it ws playing in the OR as Musak when he was born, and it is indellibly in my memory like that. Associated with the birth of Joseph. Bur, really, as I listened more earnestly it really is about Mary's birth. the most comment made afterwards was that it was nice to see me the shade I was supposed to be. It was after being in the recovery room for hours, where I felt like I didn't belong. the other people looked near death and in really bad shape, but I was fine and just excited to see my baby! Strange that wasn't the first time that my baby was instantly taken away and people were concerned with me, I was not the point. anyway, catergorized as fb stuff.

I remember the Christmas of 84 or fairly close, thenm the date was not impotant to remember. I had watched and recorded "Amadeus" off of WGN. and I was obsessed. It was a very impressionable time for me. I recorded George Scholti's birthday partyon cassette and traded walk man with my cousin Desire' (blue and Maroon) I laid down in the yard in a snow drift staring best I could up at the sky. It was snowing and not very bright. I was listening to Mozart's Requiem Mass and was so completely (words cannot be found for this feeling) It is alot like that song "Chasing cars". I didn't care if the snow buried me because my entire exsistance was focused on the music I heard at that point in time. It is alot like the scene I watched again yesterday to try and understand, from Star Trek "Insurrection". Where thy realize time is relative and chose to suspend it for a while.

I wanted to be a paleontologist and asked for everything dinosaurs, so I named them all something to do with Mozart. Up until college I let my mind focus on him and his music. I even gave my informative speech on the REAL history of Mozart. If we met, I would not be at a loss. I would recognize him. but later in college I somehow lost apprection and respect for him and deemed his music trite and childlike.

It is odd the paralells, to me, of Mozart, or Gottlieb, what a name. Ooooh! hot off the presses, just in this thought about FF, And a documentary about afterlife. Watch the final scene from Crisis Core and think about GOD being light and love. Anyway, it is mostly in minor impressions that I think of Tal Bachman the same way I do Mozart. They were both extremely gifted, and terribly miscomprehended, There are so many paralells. The biggest difference is that I was actually in the same room as the latter, which thing I have not yet done with Mozart, though I still intend to make it tp Salzburg one day, and at least touch something he did, Who knows how air recirculates, maybe I am breathng some air that filled his lungs, though we never got to exsist near on another. I have benefitted greatly by his ummm, legacy.

big blog

Today I decided that the biggest difference between now and then is stupidly in my comparison. I always thought that I was too young, and now I am too old, but I missed out on when I was like the little bear's porrige.

No more. I am the right age. I realized that I am old enough and am still young. I really ought not be wasting this opportunity away. True, I am young for my age, but that is a blessing. I get the wisdom that comes with age, and the beauty that comes with youth.

The next thought is regarding then and now, so obvious in Pres. Eyring's talk today. Maybe things are different now to help me or force me, as it SEEMS to do what is best. Peter was a fisherman then after Jesus left, he became a fisher again, sort of dismissing his life as an apostle to go back to fishing. The resurrected Lord asked, not in our vernacular though, "Hey Peter, what on earth are you up to? Are you resistant to understanding or something?"

Lastly,  my mind has been preoccupied in a loop. Alot of people call it love, but I have an idea of how to show true love, finally. Obsession can remind me of my goal so I won't try to eliminate it. But, I am so entirely in love that it goes beyond wanting to be near someone or be with them even. I will be more concerned with their welfare and use whatever power I have to help, which probably involves me going away, as rediculous as that sounds.

It's about structure

The thing that seems to go against creativity is actually what I can cling to. It is not my lack of ability that stops me from composing, even the desire is there. My desire does not lead me to writing.

 I like writing because I note the structure. It is the forms that allow me to create such great and acceptable masterpieces. In college, I always cheated by changing the given to fit what I wanted, and a professor was nice enough to teach me a lesson about how Music theory was more about learning the rules than breaking them. Even before I took any classes I was astounded when I took form and analysis that I had instinctively been writing in forms all along cause it sounded right.

Probably my biggest hero was J.S. Bach, who story goes, he was forbidden to have music and a piano, so he took music to his attic and by candlelight copied music in secret. I believe it was in this dutiful, uninspiring act that he learned the "rules" of harmony that we all are sort of forced to learn in order to create good music.

In college, my dad had a friend who took it all very literally and wrote a computer program that used all of the "rules" we learn about writing harmonic music (from Bach chorales). His program "composed" pieces that were perfect as far as the rules go, but lacked that something that truly great pieces have.

I was impressionable and so, I figured that to write the great songs I had to be open to inspiration and not be limited by the rules. I wonder if I ought to include my next thought, because the credit goes to "Pinky Dinky Doo" and I hate admitting how much I learn from those types of silly programs, but the episode was about how she and her brother questioned rules, but in the end they discovered that rules or laws were not just arbitrary (sp?) but actually had a purpose. I loved it , face it, we give a lot of commands to our children and do not tell them why.

What we do not explain is that it is to protect them, and as little children, it is enough to obey maybe because of the retribution we receive if we do not obey (punishment) but, sooner or later every child will grow up and have questions so they need to feel or know that the laws will actually protect them. I learned today that the rules and structure allow me a realm for my creativity, and frankly, it needs a place and direction now, that will save me, in a sense.

Addendum: Tonight Joseph tried to break a law. I made it clear that we do not get to pick and choose which laws we obey and littering is a crime. Ok. I'm a hypocrite, but I don't litter and tell my kids that downloading wii games and Pokemon movies that we do not buy is not acceptable and is considered stealing (even if to me it seems foolish, I heard a song in the grocery store that said it best "It's all been done")

Apathetic skills

It is no use! I wonder if my memory is off . I bet I was never good to begin with. Either way, writting songs is just not my thing. If it was I would have had a bit f success by now, and I just do not want t comeup with a great expination/story to explain why every piece of garbage I compose is precisely that. I used to be a whole lot better with about all that trainiing and crap. That is why I think of persuing other tasks, because I am less knowledgeable hence less critical and find more joy in doing it. I think it is alot like the grl who is ugly and successful because she is praised for having so much confidence, but really all she has is ignorance. She is oblivious to the fact the she is suchmuch uglier than everyone else. Aso, I have been thinking alot this evening about what someone said in passing. The jist was that with talents, no one hs said what makes a talent yet, so we do not know if we "take it with us" but we doknow that "You use it or loose it." It was said in response to my seeking advice regarding my thoughts of wether I would be able to run again, it is not a muscular issue, and would I, like a bike be able to just take off and run again, or would apathy be so set in that I would have to relearn.

My latest discovery

This one is regarding obesity.

I was thinking about causes and fascinated by suggested notions. Most ideas that everyone believes, but no evidence actually supports, the effects are seen and the causes ae then conjectured. Well, I thought to myself, if we do not need ant real evidence to start a trend in the things we believe make us fat, then I will pose some ideas.

I believe that people are getting fatter because it was called an epidemic, and so they think along the lies "Everybody is doing it!" So, they sort of use that group mentality thing to justify their natural inclination to overeat. Because really, we are going to look a certain way genetically, no special food or diet devoid of a certain ingredient is going to make us skinnier.

On top of that, I do not think that the whole social media phenomenon is good for our health anyway. Knowing what the rest of the world is doing only gives us reasons to rationalize the acceptableness(new word?) of our faults. I suggest that being overweight is a fault. Only this belief is supported by the Bible, as Glutony is a sin, though, facebook and twitter suggest that it's not.

Where did I get such an idea? Mostly it was in moving here, to Utah. For the first time in my life I would be around other "Mormons!" this was a really unique things. I was always the minority. Even my philosophy professor asked me if I was a Philosopht major or if I would consider it if not. I told him, "No, I'm o philosopher, I'm just Mormon. I know what Ibelieve and have had to know why."

When I moved here, I noticed how being around so many other saints (which one would think would be a strength) made people behave pretty much the same as people everywhere did. I was shocked. In my mind, And comments made by my lawyer convinced me that everyone would behave so differently, it would be like a utopia where everyone knew what to do and be and their actions demonstrated it. Instead, I saw a group mentality and that because of a greater chance of the "bad guy" being mormon, too. It increased the "Allowability" of justified bad behavior. Afterall, if he is mormon and he does that, too then it's ok for me. In short I noted a lot of hypocrisy.

I did not seccumb to such notions, like consuming more food because everyone else is doing it. I just naturally like to be who I am, and that wasn't who the majority was and that was ok with me. Mostly, I was effected by the example of my parents regarding hypocrisy. OK, pull up a chair, no pictures, but it's storytime!

The missionaries found my parents in a little college town in the upper penisula of Michigan. My dad thought  this was quite a coincidence because he had just met some former missionaries at Basic Training who had given him a Book of Mormon. My parents were rock musicians and college students, and they thought Mormons only lived out in Utah, Dad has told me about really odd stories they studied in grade school about Seagulls rescuing their crops as a miracle! Anyway, the missionaries were invited in and made it a regular thing to visit and end up teaching a bit.

Being in their peer group and frankly, smoking and alcohol were perfectly acceptable and normal in their current lifestyle. My mother was cleaning up ashtrays and other beverage items in preparation for their visit and she stopped and told my dad that she did not want to be a hypocrit. Either they needed to tell the missionaries to stop comming or believe what they were teaching and change. They discussed this and decided to tell the missionaies to stop visiting. ha ha ha, ofcourse, they came back, and the rest is history now, but not so distant yet, still it makes a nice story.

 

The moral of the story, I really ought to let you find yourself, but my point in using that story was to give a bit of backgroud to why I see things as I do and why I loathe hypocrisy, If you are going to do something do it! if it is wrong, you will know ansd make proper restitutions, or in this case cut out the real offenders of your diet, not just buy in to what everyone else is saying.

 

I am trying

I am trying, but I don't get it. Why should we get something we always wanted? Isn't that kinda like saying "my wants are best so you should change."?

Especially in relationships, if you don't have what you want, you either 1) learn to want what you have or 2) try again.

Like formating a hard drive, so much will be lost, make sure your wants are that important.

Marriage is like getting a tatoo on your face, you sorta need to be comitted to the idea.

long, long ago...

I think that the reason I think celebrities are moe mature for their age is because they are, but I used to think it was a way we distance them from ourselves. In stories to gsain credibility it happend long ago and far away.

I was just realizing that famous singers and actors were always much older than me, now they are younger, so weren't they ever my age. I used to think the same about Missionaries that my dad would try to pawn me off on saying that I can cook and wash dishes etc. It never bothered me because they were way distant to me in age, not really though, but when I was the same age, I nearly lived on splits with the sister missionariers or fed them. Anyway, then they were waay younger than me, little kids even, and really my friend's have children who are married or on missions, one friend kindly said, "I guess you just weren't as anxious as the rest of us." But being overly anxious is actually a problem for me.

I always did the same thing with actors, they were always much older or much younger, surely some must be the same age. I nearly freak out when I realize a famous musician is my age. But that explains what they were doing and why I didn't find many like-minded pople around. I was out busy being normal while they were being famous. We are not seperate, my cultural icons and I by age but by a mystical maturity level that seperates us. I missded noticing when I was at that particular point to be able to relate.

On that note, it found out that famous musicians attended the same summercamps as me and such, places where my superiotity felt unchallanged. I guess awesomeness isn't really indicated well by popular opinion. There are alot who would be deemed amazing even by their own critical peers, though.

It is just fun to think what if my best friend, LeAnne, was actually a superstar something or other. wel, I'll tell you what. She would probably not be my friend and would be a much less cool person. But that misses the point, that I could be so close in age and maturity or in other words familiarity with people I held higher than myself.

unpremeditated thoughts

This is the equalivant of giving a speech without having any idea or pattern for what you will say.
I was thinking about why it is that men just naturally seek to please women, and women expect them to. Admittedly, I was hurt that I was never proposed to and never got an engagement ring. My dad told me such rings demonstrate comitment to giving you the finest of things, even if it was not affordable. And it has proven to be a great example of thr sort of commitment my husband makes for me. Really, nothing he does is for me. But how it will make him appear, I thought that having no ring would reflect poorly on him and he would feel ahamed, he is more or less embarrased or ashamed of me. I bought him a ring and he broke it and threw it away, never really wore it anyway. It was the idea. A ring symbolizes eternity, that we would go on forever. I got him one that I thought he would like it was black hermatite, and sort of glossy, a conversation piece at least, but he got new plain ones, instead. I heard in a movie once that Jewelry cannot be purchased for oneself, so it is a better judge of your character to judge the things that people choose to give you or how much jeqwelry you have. I don't have any. I lost my Gospel in Action necklace down the drain, and cannot find my Youngwomenhood medalion, which I loved and wore near constantly for years. I guess that doesn't matter now, I have bigger concerns.

But, enough husband bashing! I only want to understand the reason why men are so femalecentric. I am guessing it has to do with Love and sex, but I am trying to comprehend how it fits into the story of our exsistance. and having said that, I bid you good night.

Ok, I was watching videos this morning and had this realization about why The ideal woman changes so much and yet some women are happy regardless.

I'll start there. I have noticed that so many women I idolized actually looked like me, and yet, they are considered beautiful. Specifically, I am referring to Andrea Corr and that lead singe chick for the Cranberries. I have always been slight, and self conscious about it. I see them and think, "Well, they don't have big boobs and still seem happy and confident." Ok Segue time!

I guess men saw women lke that and because they thought they were pretty then the men assumed that was what pretty was, a skinny little waif. I actually love that, but their wives didn't. Women all over the world wanted to be that ideal and it made them cranky because they just were never going to be that way, and diets make them unfriendly. Well, then men always seek to please so they instead say, "Oh, but honestly, we love bigger women." So, now we see larger women as the ideal. But, then where does that leave me? Unable to be large to have fat boobs and just jealous....enter cosmetic surgery and now we sort of have a hybrid of an ideal woman who is thin, with big boobs. Yeah, not going to happen, and if it does it is a freak of nature! I want to edit in a quote, "A beautiful young woman is a freak of nature. A beautifu older woman is a work of art." I guess with enough cosmetics and surgery we can all be works of art if that is the standard.not so desirable.

Really, the solution is for women to stop compaing themselves to one another but rather against what they should be, and let the men appreciate what you are each step of the way. Face it, we're goin to all get pregnant, old or ok at least uglier, then we die and get to pick how we look. I will get to pick out my ideal man then, so I see that it is acceptable to look at potential, etenally speaking, it is a lot longer. I tend to see what I will be dealing with forever rather than just until I die. Really, won't we have more children forever anyway? I mean how the heck did we become God's Children? If marriage isn't just an earthly thing, why do we fret about earthly attraction? I put my money on it has something to do with luring in the right guy. So, guys need to start appreciating health.

My conclusion this morning is that ultimately men are molding the world though I was feeling sorry for the way they are mistreated and yet constantly subserviant, like a little puppy dog. But, women love puppy dogs, huh? So the two (men and women) are intertwined and sort of need one another. It all works out in the end. I would like to write it out in a ballanced equation, but that would be pointless. And I want to start a new president that it can be said "none of the things she did in life were pointless." So, why am I still typing?

My Friday conclusion

I don't know how strong this idea is, or if it will remain, but right now it needs some attention. I was thinking about how music tells me what love is. I always thought it was foolish so I paid no heed and thought my assumptions were popular nothing more.

Tonight as I sat by myself again thinking about all of the things I had supposed that love was, though I didn't act accordingly. As I lisened to songs, unsure who the heck wrote them anyway, feeling disgruntled because what I had was nothing even closely like that.

I even chewed out Nick's behavior to joe (though he could not understand). I said that it was so stupid for him to spend his time and thoughts on things that were not important and then expect me to just be patient while he tried to become who he ought to have been all along. I think True Love is a gift for those who deserve it!

Really, the music made me realize the thing that I was really upset about wasn't even anything that they were singing about directly. I am upset because my forgiving nature has been constantly abused. It would have been better to have never had these experiences, now that was not true. Each experience taught me what doesn't work, and failure is very common in huge successes.  I think of all of the big accomplishments that were litered with failure.

The bottom line is that Nick is doing what is good,but even if he became perfect, I wouldn't want to be with him. It is not about what he is rather what he isn't. After two children, three years and unemployment, if he hasn't yet told me that he loves me or done all that he could to show me that he could not imagine life without me, chances are he is not the one. The thought is that it shouldn't be a struggle anyway.

I am used to being treated like crap and so I have come to accept and expect it, but I do not nor will I ever love it. Eternity is a long time. I do not want to settle nor feel like someone settled for me. That is it.

I have something else first

I was thinking about something in words yeserday, but my computer wouldn't connect to the internet, but I figured it out, silly. I'm not as dumb as you think.

I made a video, too:


September 20 2012 I learned the best lesson tonight from Stargate Atlantis. Strange that it never occurred to me before. The Episode was in SEason 3 named Irresponsible. The town was protected by a man with super powers, which were seen to have been yet another way for Lucious to decieve other, though he felt he was being honest.

The realization I had did not happen while I was watching the show it was afterwards when I was thinking about why I could actually stand that episode ands bear to watch it now. I was thinking alot about a woman's speech about how the people of the town needed to stand up for themselves instead of waiting around for Lucious to save them, because by so doing they were loosin the very thing they sought to protect, their freedom. Independance is what is lost when we rely on another for protection. I started thinking about husbands and making a big comparison there. Then, Licious chimes in and tells the woman not to take it too far, so I thought that fit in perfectly with what I was thinking regarding the whole feminism thing.

Ok, my big realization was that I was sitting around, feeling like I needed to be rescued and even praying for something to be orchestrated, somehow. I realized that the reasonI wasn't acting for myself is because I was placing faith in something, or more to the point someone, but we are taught that when our faith is in correct thingsa it becomes active. It s not about waiting around for that or even hoping for that, that is why nothing is ever going to become of it.

I woke up thinking about someone else, but that wasn't the solution, then, another chance encounter happened and I realized that my answer is that I ought to rely on noone, that is why I failed each time. I need to become active and find more that I can do an hope for something or someone who isn't specific. I have been taught that it is the point that we give up entirely that we recognize the true power of God. I was looking for it only in the wrong places. God is no respecter of persons.

The way I see it, I will only be married in the temple, no other way will do what I need eternally, So that limits me to people who are able to take me to the temple, I ought not even concern myself with those who could if motivated enough.

So, what am I going to do? nothing, as I was reading a bible story to Joseph. It was clear that he needed my upbringing. It will be the most significant thing in his life, my life will have to revlve around that for a while. I need to discuss this with Nick, that simply, needs to be done.

breakthrough!

This time, the lesson was actually learned. So many ideas come to my mind, and I get frustrated because I forget them too quickly. This idea was like that one which many times enlightening my mind then fickered away. Such ideas felt so good (instant flash to FF) and my blog was an attempt at capturing such ideas before they escaped. This time, the idea attached itself so firmly to so many things that it stayed. And, just now I am remembering occasions where such "illuminations" were hintingb at something too secret to share, but I definately will share the rest.

The first significant illumination was when I imagined a visual representation of what is Biblically reffered to as Jacob's ladder. I was thinking about how every one of us was on different rungs of that ladder, so what really mattered was the destination not the progress. I forgot it though because it unearthed questions that I was not ready to answer yet, like the role of religion.

Then, today, I read this:

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but inst ead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'. We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

This recalled a similar impression I had while watching a documentary that loving others is the most important thing we can do in this life, nothing else really matters much, it is all just distraction. I was so completely transfixed by this idea that I had to turn it off and do what I knew to do to keep myself from recieving more than I could bear. I wanted to pray.

In my prayer I asked to understand the role of religon in it all. and the first pat of my answer was that hadn't I learned by my religon to pray in the first place? Oh yeah! If our religons fail to help us to love one aother then they have failed, too. There is really only two ways to think, like a ladder, towards or away from the goal. Alot of religons capture people and use what captures them to mingle, if you will, the ideas they believe are true, with other teachings used to get gain. There have been a lot of examples of this throughout history. I particularly liked scenes from "The Season of the Witch".

As to why their are so many paths leading to the same place, it is because God loves us so much and appreciates our uniqueness. He has given a man a vision (Lehi's Dream) where he does explain the most sure way, and assures us that if we hold on to the rod (Word of God) of Iron, that it leads us on that path when we cannot see (we cannot dispute the importance of sight in such a situation). So, we claim that our faith is the most correct, and that others are correct, too. Sticking with that glorious dream, it seems that even after being guided entirely the right way we can still fail after we have even tasted of the most desirable of fruit.

God uses trees alot in his communications with man. I think there is a

significance to this. Like even in the garden of Eden or the use of

Olive trees.

So, we see that things have littered our way to be distractions to us (like sex instead of Love), this lesson was forcefully taught to me at a youth conference in Mississippi where church leaders and other people we trusted were leading us to do other things that seemed good, but wouldn't help us in the end.

Side track, got to go show some of that love to my screaming children. I cannot concentrate right now, but I wanted to tell someone. That is why I love Jesus Christ so much and his gspel is called the gospel or "good news".

the problem with obedience

If you do something because you are told it doesn't have the same effect and that is the trouble with obedience. I am learning it firsthand. Those around me seemed afflicted because they lacked an obedient husband, so I vauled it more than I should have. If I told my husband to say or do something, he would but, that sort of ruins his opportuity to do it*. Let me explain. There are a number of things that I wish that my husband would do, but more importantly I wish that he had just once even expressed to me how he felt about me, but he covered his butt by saying that it is too hard to talk to me, so he never tried. One would then assume such obstacles were overcome for him to be obedient and tell me that he does in fact love me. But, that sort of ruins it, he wins points for obedience but my heart still feels empty.

Conclusion: I am not a canumdrum (sp?) wanting something unreal because I got what I wanted and am not pleased. I got what I asked for, but I have realized that what I want is for someone who is obedient AND is "On the same page". Nothing needs to be said, because both want the same thing. It is just a symptom, not the problem, to over communicate.

Nick's step mother said it wonderfully when she was dating his father. He asked her what she wanted. Something generally seen as good sign, >>>>He wants to please you!!!<<< Then, she said, "I want someone to do (list of good things) with me." He said "Oh, well, I can do that!" Then, she explained that he just didn't get it. He needs to want to do those things for himself, not because she asked. Ah hah! that is exactly what men complain about women wanting mind readers, really they just want someone who thinks like them. "What does it mater who you marry if he is a good Southerner and thinks like you." -Gone With the Wind

*my solution is just be patient and let him do things on his own time frame. It sounds good, but isn't working out so well for me. I know that we have the same goal, but I sort of feel damned and unable to move forward because we must be together. "being with me musta damn near killed you." Thanks Nickelback.

Once your choice has been made just trust that it wil be worth it to endure, but trust me, if you are having doubts go! I feel like Sarah from "Dead Zone" saying that, giving advice that I hypocritically am not living. But, you can know what is best and so advise others without doing it, It's not hypocritical.

failure - reoccurring theme

It seems to me that stumbling is the way the world judges failure.

Previously, I picked apart the validity and desirability of the world's definition of Success. Obviously, I didn't agree with it. It should be of no suprise to now learn that I also disagree with their version of failure. Infact, you can just assume that if it is the accepted definition of a thing I do not agree or subscribe to that type of thought. It makes communication, using words difficult, but I still do it. Those out there who have ears will "hear" me "know what I'm sayin'".

When we fail it is often taken as the answer that our attempt did not succeed and it ought to be given up. But, I was listening to Nephi chapter 4 on a new little Book of Mormon App and was thinking, well, if The scriptures are supposed to give me some sort of answer, then, do your thing, already. I did not recieve bolt of lightening revelation, but it occurred to me that just because a thing fails is no indication that it was wrong, just look at the story told here: A bunch of straping boys head out into the wilderness cause dad told them to go get some book. They tried and failed. Then, before giving up one of them remembers all of the valuable things that they had at their old home and decide to go get them to trade for the book! Brilliant!! But, it still doesn't work. Uh, well, then one might conclude that it isn't really God's will but their father's and he was mistaken. but, thank goodness that was not the end. A younger brother decided to go back and try again, cause he fully believed, no matter how rediculous it seemed, that it was the Lord's will and so he would do it. Ends up he has to decide to kill this guy and wear his clothes to sort of pretend and lie to someone to get the book. He admits that this feels wrong, but an angel explains that this is the will of God that it is better that this one man be slain than a whole nation of people (later called Nephites) dwindle in unbelief.

I had often wondered why such a story would be placed in the begining of canon touted by a religion, further I decided that it was there to weed out those who might, like the parable of the sower, show signs of grabbing a hold of the doctrine, but never really having roots, because there would be plenty of things that would discorage people from accepting it as true, if they tried to reason it all out. Belief must be founded on something deeper. But, as I was thinking about it this time, I thought, well, the Bible stats with Adam an Eve and she out right disobeys God, and the whole Old testament is riddled with faith shaking stories if understood in a worldly way. I even had people worry about me and my sort of obsession with the old testament. It was not what they said, but I think it was a wise thing. Just look at the saducees and pharasees who got all caught up in looking for a deeper than face value of a thing (I want to mention the story of Moses' staff and ppl not being willing to look upon it to be healed because it was too simple).

In conclusion, The guidance I personally got from this was that just because I might have fallen doesn't mean I shouldn't get back up. Here's a song that expresses my sentiment better:

Does he love me?

There is a way and only one sure way to tell if he loves you or not.

I know, you're probably thinking that there is nothing particularly fascinating about you, though you are above average in most regards. Well, you are absolutely right. there is nothing that distinguishes you. It is a hard thing to really accept because we all like to think that we are so significant, and we really are to ourselves. Think of it. You couldn't even breathe if you weren't yourself, could you?

Ok, on to the meat and potatoes of this whole post. So, what is the best litmus paper or test to use to determine if he honestly loves you? Maybe, we shoud ask, Whitney:



Oh yeah, how insensitive of me to ask her, she is preocupied. I'll ask Cher:



Wait a minute, The music industry doesn't specialize in happiness they make money by telling us what we want to pay to hear. There is only one sure fire way to know if he loves you. ASK. Then, pay attention.

I still don't get it

disclaimer of intent goes here: I didn't know where to put this thought, but I wanted to put it somewhere. Sometimes, I actually do have a particular thought for a particular place, but this one is so random I can barely hold on to it long enough to write it down.

I am so in love with an idea that it has become impossible for me to love anyone else entirely, I try to go over again and again, in my head the reason why this is so important to me that it is destroying my life and I don't seem to care.

It leads me to think that maybe I am falling and so helpless beause I'm trying to figure things out the world's way. Not to say that I'm not atually an earthling, but my solution might be to destroy, in disguise, the part that others find so attractive. Not realy, though, because it is honestly me, not a disguise.

I remember Jane Eyre saying that it could be bad to watch the thing that she so regarded twist into a mangled version of itself, one that is no longer loved. I think to maintain my peace of being, I need to psych out a bit. Kinda' like slamming on the brakes in a chase. It is unexpected and gives a spare moment. It sounds heartless, but in cross-country I used to purposefully "demoralize" opponents to win the race. I do want to finish in first place, I think, though it doesn't seem to matter what rank I achieve only that I finish (like the parable of the talents where the one ended up with 10 talents and another only 4, but they get the same reward).

Back to my original thought about trying to figure out why just not choosing to be in love with the silly idea in the first place. I play the part of the sly and patient serpant waiting to strike it's prey when least expecting. I have covered my tracks almost completely. I was getting to close to needing to share myself with those I loved. I guess I loved them, too much, in which case I would be fine where I am, like the Chinese guy who pretends that he is crippled for years to perform a magic trick with a fishbowl. Along those lines, I always wondered and could not tell if that one crazy sounding actor guy was just acting or was honestly that stupid.

Really, I would prefer. Uh, hold on that sounds as if I were hoping to stsy in a comfort zone. Really, that has past. I often think that was why I was ever placed in this situation to see and think things that would mold me into the girl I was meant to be as I was not because I was comfortable.

Ok, rather than start a new note, I'll just change the topic, it is my perogative, afterall. I am at the point where both I and Nicholas have changed enough that our paths are not likely to have been forseen or likely to change. He will continue on doing what is right without me. I have thought, my life has felt like a tiny seed struggling up through a pile of rocks. I have imerged at last and I am sowly becoming a bit more the person I was, not the useless damsel in distress. He did do his "fireman" duty in rescuing me. I might add that he was reluctant to actually marry me or start a family, so those who might blame him, it is I who deserve all of the blame. to his credit, even then he knew something was not right, though I did not really. I just knew that I needed out and he helped there. I wanted a family, and I got one. Supposedly, getting what I want is my greatest talent which can be my greatest curse or blessing depending on my perspective. I just do not know why I persist to hope for a thing that I have been warned is incorrect. But, someone, actually two someone's have come to represent things that are entirely of my own supposition. Though it may be right. I'm getting sleepy. Excuse and duck out paraprapgh: I should have been minding other things and now I'll get back to them. Mostly, I need to sleep. So, I must press "publish" now and correct things at a later date.

Hello world

Yes, I acknowedge the world may exsist in a way to read or understand this, but at this point, I cannot claim to understand Why I believe the folowing, and it really isn't a part of why I believe anyway. Though I enjoy organizing words to be reasonable. Being reasonabe is not an objective of this farwell.

Good bye world.

I do not believe that there will be generation of people for whom I am responsibe to for leaving a legacy. I beieve that Jesus Christ will return to earth during my lifetime. It sounds fantastical, but to me it really is not so much. I do fuly believe that Jesus Christ came and did rise again, and he lives in much the same form that you do reading this. so much has spoken directly to my heart in various ways teling me surely that these are the last days, and so my ultimate conclusion does not change.

My duty for now is now. I am a mother and My childsren are my top priority, all of them. I still write "Journals" for their benefit, but realize that nothing I might say will be new to them. I do not believe that someday these words will be seen as an ancient way of life and communication, but I record them in the present so that they may be true and of no decit or attempt to fool you into thinking that I suppose something marvelous will happen that you may know it first here.
;thus, glorifying myself! Hail the great me for seeing the obvious!

You say "Hello." I say "goodbye."
Hello hello, I don't know why... I say goodbye.





Addendum: I add this because I wanted it to be somewhere it would not be read. I really am through. I concluded that the same things do not matter to me as matter to you anyway. I realized the the fact that I clling on when there is really no real reason goes against what mother's have taught their sons for centuries, and it can be used against me. I thought, if peope can do the worst and I am not suffiently offended, then why do anything to please me? I only come here to escape the reality that I created. I ought to get offine and change it if I don't like it.



here and now is the time to do all the right things and become the mover and shaker I ought to have been all aong and be the winning horse not just the dark one.

I just had a thought that will be of great interest to me when it is no longer current. I must do something that will make me seem so evil and wrong, but I would glady endure that for a while so that I do not live forever a certain way, just to "save face".

the email

What's up?   I am contemplating the email that, at this point, has not been sent or even composed, but it must surely be done. I chose electronic media because it can be done without interruption, but like speech it cannot be "recalled". I put that in quotes because I said it in reference to a speech that I loved given by Captain Moroni to Zerahemna a the waters of Mormon when he lays down the law stating that this is howthings must be, but when he was done he could not recall his words. I have wondered about that for a very long time.oes he mean he cannot remember or cannor take back, or is it a translation thing? My feeling is that it is a feeling that came to his mind, much like a lot of the things that I try to translate into words, I'm doing it right now, if I didn't write t down, I'd never remember. Here's the video: (videos say everything best)

Just thinking about people

I was thinking about how so many people seem to share an enthusiasim (sp?) for the things I am passionate about. I almost undoubtably find comeradery in the circles I had always felt shunned me. It seems there are a lot of closet thinkers out there. What does that mean? Well, I was verbal about the thoughts and feelings that they dared not utter. You know the whole "Sit down you're rockin' the boat" thing. It seems that I was actually encouraged to make a fool of myself to say things that others thought but in seeing the reaction to me, they cathartically knew how to better act.

I have also thought about how many like-minded people are sort of drawn to music, Why is that? I am forming a theory. Musicians, bards, actors and artists have always sought outward recognition for the shared sensibility. I mean, really don't all kids want to be praised when they do "good" and our thinkers got side-tracked on figuring out what good is. I spend more time thinking about why everyone seceretly loves the same things but they only verbalize it because of social technology. I think it is that same character trait that prompts us to bear our hearts in a song that makes us need to tweet about our trip to the market last night. We like to share things. WE? but, we have always felt alone. It is by expressing ourselves in song or some art form that we hope to make a sort of contact.

Not to get too side-tracked, though it's what I do, I loved what a documentary about Carl Sagan's theories was talking about how rediculous it was that we would even expect other life forms to be "listening". In the movie August Rush, The old musician guy says, "Only some of us are listening." Jesus taught in parables. I think it was a need to share things in a way that would not make his meanings apparent to everyone, but only those who had eyes to see, or ears to hear.

I was so in love with the idea of art being objective. It is my conclusion that each general conference talk is a piece of art, It is understood as it applies to the individual, not necessarily how it was meant by the speaker of the words. I further wrote a paper stating that so much of the success of Shakespeare's works remaining classic and eternally applicable was how he dealt with relationships not specifics like people in particular. Every good story is one which we tend to allign ourselves with. I tend to do it with music.

I am tired, and I need a bath. Hopefully something I blabbered on about will find meaning or a home in your heart or mind. Yes, you.

How to deal with unreal expectations

There is only one way to deal with an unreal expectation, do not have it in the first place.


Now on to the improper, uncertified way to deal with such an expectation, based on experience.



I loved this movie because My best friend and I had determined that we would end up dying old maids, So we decided to do something about it, by making a list of impossible charachteristics. It made us feel better because we knew what we wanted, it just so happened that such a person did not exsist. Though, I took it a bit more seriously and came close before figuring out that such a man would be considered Gay and I had my share of that mess. I only learned that my preferences were found on earth somewhere, I just needed to make some exceptions and take some risks or I'd never get the reward. I met my first husband and realized that he didn't fit a few key point on my list, but I thought maybe it wa those points that were causing trouble, oh heck, realistically, I fell smack dab in love and didn't care. I admire my freind for sticking to her list regardless.

When I ended up divorced I figured tha it was time to make a new list and stick to it, but my heart sank into a deep depression when I realized that again my list must go. One thing I do know though is that to find what I was looking for I had to be in the right places. Sort of like if you put on your list "Plays piano well." then you have to at least go to concerts or recitals or be a pianist yourself, or you would have just created an impossible list because it was impossible.

I saw a great video once about how you need to be careful who you attract. but this provides a whole lot of information:


Even hidden dangers might be lurking so it is better to not attract them, or in my case, the wrong husnband. But, as I stated, I do not have a way to pull happiness out of a hat but I have learned that it is better to remain true to your expectation, no matter how unrealistic it seems, if happiness is your goal, that is.

Getting to be it's own trend

I have enitire blogs devoted to ideas that will be "fleshed out."at a latter date.

Once again, I have a thing to say, and I fully intend to say it here, but this is just a marker, or a sort of flirt with the notion. I want to make a cooment about how different my perceptions/expectations change with regards to what I watch, I really feel like that is how popular opinionsare molded,mine are formed by media. I suspect that is the same for everyone. Sometimes I feel just likeeveryoneeslse in that I followalot of those unspoken rules, then othertimes, I think I must have fallen "out of the box"or broke some unspoken rule again, And feelthat I could be just like everyoneelse if I just didit all over and made an effort to follow rules. I like to think that same thing whenever I die on a mario game. i only lost because I wasn't giving it my all. I Could do it if I really tried, and so I try again.